ianandris Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 As per the title: I'm still irked by it. Really, really, looking forward to not giving a sh*t if I hear from her or not. But, for now, it still smarts to think about a little, which means I still have feelings for her (greatly diminished feelings for her, mind you, but feelings nonetheless)... Eff. Funny thing is, I don't particularly want to know what's going on in her life. I don't want to know if she's happy, what she's been up to for the past couple weeks, who she's been spending time with, how work is going. I don't want to know, because it will remind me that she's getting everything she needs without me. If she were happy, I don't think I could honestly be happy for her at this point, and that sucks. The good news is it means I also, definitely, didn't love her. If I loved HER, I'd be happy for her happiness, regardless of whether hurt or didn't hurt me, right? I DEFINITELY don't feel that way. I had needs that she helped meet, and now they aren't being met because she decided to end it, and I'm still not thrilled about the situation. Which, ultimately, means I'm still not going to contact her, which means I'm still not going to get my damn movies back (which really aren't that big a deal. Thing is they represent the last piece of me that I have left with her. When I get those back, it's finished. It's the stamp of finality. Simply giving them to her is not an option considering how much I've given her so far).
kizik Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 You play chess? Your situation, as well as mine, is a stalemate. I didn't know how stubborn and steadfast I could be until now. Look, I still care if I hear from her or not. Every day when I check email or my phone for texts, a piece of me still hopes. But as more time goes on, it becomes more apparent that neither of us is going to contact the other. She's pretty much become my enemy, because I do not hesitate to contact anyone else besides her. Not to sound dramatic, but this is pretty much war. It's a war of wills. You either break or you don't. If you break, I'll give you tons of sh*t though. You're right about this: you don't want to know how she is. Because you will find out that she's fine. Fine without you?? But you shared so much time together and... blahblahblah. Who cares. What's dangerous is when you start wondering too much. Chances are she's alive and well and that's it. People don't just crumble without us. Too bad, huh? And you can't crumble either. And you won't. You'll get out of bed and maybe go to work or school or both. And you'll laugh at some things and feel sad the majority of the time. But you won't let your sadness impede your productivity. You dig?
Author ianandris Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 Lol! I expect a veritable sh*tstorm if I break . Although, I'll be honest, I do intend to contact her at some point. I assure you it won't be due to a lack of willpower. I've put off contacting her on two seperate occasions because I'm not over her yet. When I do contact her, it will be when I honestly feel like I don't care if I talk to or hear from her anymore. But, yes, bro, I dig. I'm comfortable with the idea of war, but for me it's not about me vs her, it's about me vs my feelings for her, and I'm going to win this one soon. Once I'm over my feelings for her, it won't matter one iota if it's me or her that does any contacting, because contacting won't mean anything at all. Right now, she has disproportionate influence over the way that I feel. She has too much power. Once I've won this war, her life will have assumed a mantle of complete insignificance as far as it pertains to mine (not saying anything about her life proper mind you.) She is no longer what I'm fighting against. It's all internal. Which is good. I've successfully moved the battleground to a place where I have a distinct advantage.
stlnsmile Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 As per the title: I'm still irked by it. Really, really, looking forward to not giving a sh*t if I hear from her or not. But, for now, it still smarts to think about a little, which means I still have feelings for her (greatly diminished feelings for her, mind you, but feelings nonetheless)... Eff. Funny thing is, I don't particularly want to know what's going on in her life. I don't want to know if she's happy, what she's been up to for the past couple weeks, who she's been spending time with, how work is going. I don't want to know, because it will remind me that she's getting everything she needs without me. If she were happy, I don't think I could honestly be happy for her at this point, and that sucks. The good news is it means I also, definitely, didn't love her. If I loved HER, I'd be happy for her happiness, regardless of whether hurt or didn't hurt me, right? I DEFINITELY don't feel that way. I had needs that she helped meet, and now they aren't being met because she decided to end it, and I'm still not thrilled about the situation. Which, ultimately, means I'm still not going to contact her, which means I'm still not going to get my damn movies back (which really aren't that big a deal. Thing is they represent the last piece of me that I have left with her. When I get those back, it's finished. It's the stamp of finality. Simply giving them to her is not an option considering how much I've given her so far). Sweetie, my ex hasn't called in 6 and a half months, and I don't think he's going to. Does that mean I ment nothin, probably not. Probably means he's a week a** pansy who doesn't have the gumption to be brave enough or manly enough to be human. My problem, NOOOO! We want our exs to call...to let us know it ment something, because for whatever reason, them telling us it ment something, makes us know we were not crazy for loving them. But heres the truth, we are not crazy for loving them and for a time it was reciprocated. We did mean something to them, just not what we wanted to mean to them. They may care for us, but not have love for us, they may never want us to die a horrible death, but they don't love us enough to show up at the hospital if we get into a bad car crash. It sucks, we want them to tell us we are not crazy, that we are important, that we are important to them, even if we can't have them. The truth is, we probably are important to them in some way, just not the way we want. Not the love way. It sucks, but we can't keep looking for what they feel. We will never know. We can only say to ourselves, unless that person we were with is dead, we probably did mean something, just not enough, and we have to try to find a way to be okay with that. It takes time. Its taken me 6 months to just get to that point where I could accept that...its taken me 6 months to get to the point where I could understand all I needed to and let go. Its a sucky process and one we all have to go through in our own ways. It does get better, it really does. I think I will alway miss my ex, he was my first love and I KNOW I will NEVER forget him. NEVER. I want to believe me, but some things you just can not forget. But I do know, I wont think of him everyday, maybe not for weeks on end. It will deminish as time rolls on. And I am okay with that. What we had was good, and temporary. A moment in my life that was neccessary for my growth. Im a different person now, and a better person, and you know, seriously, I don't even think he would know this new person, this person would make no sense to him what so ever. I think thats one of the reasons you can never go back. You can never be the same nieve person you once were again. IDK..just thoughts from my heart to yours.
FauxVowel Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 As per the title: I'm still irked by it. Really, really, looking forward to not giving a sh*t if I hear from her or not. But, for now, it still smarts to think about a little, which means I still have feelings for her (greatly diminished feelings for her, mind you, but feelings nonetheless)... Eff. Funny thing is, I don't particularly want to know what's going on in her life. I don't want to know if she's happy, what she's been up to for the past couple weeks, who she's been spending time with, how work is going. I don't want to know, because it will remind me that she's getting everything she needs without me. If she were happy, I don't think I could honestly be happy for her at this point, and that sucks. The good news is it means I also, definitely, didn't love her. If I loved HER, I'd be happy for her happiness, regardless of whether hurt or didn't hurt me, right? I DEFINITELY don't feel that way. I had needs that she helped meet, and now they aren't being met because she decided to end it, and I'm still not thrilled about the situation. Which, ultimately, means I'm still not going to contact her, which means I'm still not going to get my damn movies back (which really aren't that big a deal. Thing is they represent the last piece of me that I have left with her. When I get those back, it's finished. It's the stamp of finality. Simply giving them to her is not an option considering how much I've given her so far). I have two words for you...
Author ianandris Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 heheh. As much as I'd love to... For reals, though. F*ck her sounds about right.
ioncebelieved Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Sweetie, my ex hasn't called in 6 and a half months, and I don't think he's going to. Does that mean I ment nothin, probably not. Probably means he's a week a** pansy who doesn't have the gumption to be brave enough or manly enough to be human. My problem, NOOOO! We want our exs to call...to let us know it ment something, because for whatever reason, them telling us it ment something, makes us know we were not crazy for loving them. But heres the truth, we are not crazy for loving them and for a time it was reciprocated. We did mean something to them, just not what we wanted to mean to them. They may care for us, but not have love for us, they may never want us to die a horrible death, but they don't love us enough to show up at the hospital if we get into a bad car crash. It sucks, we want them to tell us we are not crazy, that we are important, that we are important to them, even if we can't have them. The truth is, we probably are important to them in some way, just not the way we want. Not the love way. It sucks, but we can't keep looking for what they feel. We will never know. We can only say to ourselves, unless that person we were with is dead, we probably did mean something, just not enough, and we have to try to find a way to be okay with that. It takes time. Its taken me 6 months to just get to that point where I could accept that...its taken me 6 months to get to the point where I could understand all I needed to and let go. Its a sucky process and one we all have to go through in our own ways. It does get better, it really does. I think I will alway miss my ex, he was my first love and I KNOW I will NEVER forget him. NEVER. I want to believe me, but some things you just can not forget. But I do know, I wont think of him everyday, maybe not for weeks on end. It will deminish as time rolls on. And I am okay with that. What we had was good, and temporary. A moment in my life that was neccessary for my growth. Im a different person now, and a better person, and you know, seriously, I don't even think he would know this new person, this person would make no sense to him what so ever. I think thats one of the reasons you can never go back. You can never be the same nieve person you once were again. IDK..just thoughts from my heart to yours. Damn!!! I wanted to quote just about your entire post!!!! Today was so AWFUL for me... the whiny, squalling like a bitch day, but you have a tiny bit of sunshine appear through my clouds. Almost like you were in my head and asked the same things that I have. You understand me to a tee!!!! You just want to know you meant something is so right!!!!!! The hospital thing. ding, ding, ding!!!! Speaking of that, I was there first of last month and mine acted like she would come, but didn't. Thanks for the smile!!!!
stlnsmile Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Damn!!! I wanted to quote just about your entire post!!!! Today was so AWFUL for me... the whiny, squalling like a bitch day, but you have a tiny bit of sunshine appear through my clouds. Almost like you were in my head and asked the same things that I have. You understand me to a tee!!!! You just want to know you meant something is so right!!!!!! The hospital thing. ding, ding, ding!!!! Speaking of that, I was there first of last month and mine acted like she would come, but didn't. Thanks for the smile!!!! Awww, thanks....yes of course we all have the same question, the one that pleques our minds to death. I also realized painfully lately, that he really must be happy with his decision, and his life, or I know for a fact he would be calling me. I know it. So I have to let go now. I have to let go to do what I need to do to be happy in my own life. Holding onto him only prevents that in a million ways. As I said, its taken me six months to get here. And I will never say I will never think of him. That could never be true, but I can say, I think of him probably 2 times a week now, instead of every second of the day,every hour, every minute.....so I can say for a fact it gets better and will continue to do so. Im a holder oner, I have a real hard time letting go of people I love, I want to believe the best in them, even when their actions speak the worst about them, but this process has taught me that reality is just that. I can not live in the fantasy that was us, but in the reality of his decisions and actions. His life for whatever reason is better with out me there...and truly, I hope that he is happy, because it would be such a shame to make such a horrible choice and not be happy. I know I can not go back now to what once was, and my life is a life I will live with out him in it. Its really that simple. I hope I help and bring hope and smiles to some, I know I tend to be brutally honest, but I had to be that way with myself to get over it, so I hope others benefit from it.
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