TalkLikeLion Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I haven't talked to him in two days and have been relying heavily on the advice of my mom. She said the only way I can hope to get him back is to give him space, since that was the entire reason for our break up (me being immature and 19 and pushing him, him being 22, busy, exhausted and wanting me to stop acting like a child. Which I now realize I was, I was acting like an angry 5 year old). The apology letter I sent him should get there sometime within the next two or three days, and I suppose I should keep up the leaving-him-alone thing until at least wednesday night. It's just so hard. I've never regretted something as much as I regret losing him, and (I know I'm young, it sounds naive and stupid) I really feel like he's the one. He's just been hurt so badly in the past and I made him feel like he was repeating it. And I didn't even realize what he meant until this weekend...I believed the bad advice of friends that I was justified. I've learned so much from this but it feels so pointless to have learned and grown when I've lost him. I need strength, I need it so badly. I want to talk to him so much it hurts, but I know that will only make it worse. I'm calm now, but who knows if I will sleep...god, it's so hard.
LakesideDream Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 You are young... 19. I have a child 10 years older than you! Don't wallow in the drama. Worst case senerio you have learned a valuable life lesson. At 19 you have a likelyhood that you will have many more "he's the one" moments in your life. Enjoy the possibilities.
ferio Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 hang in there, i know its tuff, give it sometime and try to go out and have fun and distract yourself for a bit. If he loves you he will come back
justaman99 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 More detail on what happened? More detail on what your friends were saying? What was justified? -just
stlnsmile Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 You are young... 19. I have a child 10 years older than you! Don't wallow in the drama. Worst case senerio you have learned a valuable life lesson. At 19 you have a likelyhood that you will have many more "he's the one" moments in your life. Enjoy the possibilities. lakeside, please please don't say this, I really don't like when people say this, at 19 yrs. old this girl is perfectly capable of knowing how she feels about someone, to dismiss it as youth is just wrong on so many levels. People have love and loss regardless of age, and have more passionate love at younger ages because those are the kinds of love where you have absolute trust, hope, faith, etc..and have not been jaded yet. Please stop, you may see yourself as mature nurturing mothering type telling teenager to not live in "drama" but seriously its rediculous. This girls heart is ripped out, deal with that, and stop belittling her for her age please. Just because she may love again because she is young, does not take away the fact that she has just lost a person that she loves. Just because she is youthful, and has future oportunities at love, does not take away the fact that loosing love is painful, and if you doubt a older teen can love seriously I think you need to look at the posts of the older teens on this site including mine. We are not 14 yr. olds in puppy love in spite of the fact that you may feel that way. she has feelings that are hurting.
Author TalkLikeLion Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 Details, for who asked (it's long): He's had a rough life though, and on top of it his ex did a number on him. She burned, smashed, and ruined most of his possessions when she got angry at him, she tore pages out of his books, and the relationship ended in her stabbing him. He would never go back to her, but I know he's had a hard time with what she did to him. He spent 6 years completely invested in protecting her and appeasing her, and she did a lot of damage to him. So my friend from school was dating his best friend (which is how we met). She's been pretty manipulative with me from the start, and beyond my own childish behavior, I do blame her to a certain degree not only for the problems he and I have had, but for my self esteem and depression sinking to new lows this year. Every time he and I go into a major fight or scuffle, it somehow started with her- she would tell me she knew more about him than he as letting on and for SOME reason I would believe her. She would give me bad advice when she knew half of what was going on, and for some reason I believed her when she said she was only looking out for me. And of course, one of the worst ones we had was because she got drunk and started writhing around as though possessed, saying his ex's 5 year old daughter (who he looked at like his own while they dated) was in trouble, taking my phone from me and hitting me when I tried to get it back, getting very violent, and calling him repeatedly. This is the friend, of course, that had spent most of the year grinding it into me that she was skinnier, cuter, and smarter than I. The fact that my ex saw in me what I didn't, the fact that I am quite pretty and my IQ surpasses hers by far, pissed her off even more. Looking back, I feel pretty stupid for letting her influence me so much. It finally peaked in her calling me last week when I was so upset over the break and telling me, in a list form, everything I did wrong from the start. And to top that, she told me he had used me as rebound and was feeling better so he didn't need me anymore. She said it in a way that suggested she knew something I didn't, and as she's dating his best friend, I freaked out. (for the record, I'm almost positive that he hasn't been doing better lately. He's been working constantly to pay his sick grandmother- his only living relative- 's medical bills, he barely sleeps, I know he has pretty bad nightmares, and on top of it I was causing problems too.) So I, in absolute hysterics, texted him (I know, worst way possible) asking him to just tell me so I could let go. Of course he got extremely upset and offended, listed off the reasons it was ridiculous in the first place, and basically said goodbye for good. He texted me again ten minutes later, albeit angrily, so he didn't quite stick to the "for good" thing, but still. This is when the realization finally dawned on me that I was acting like a spoiled, angry 5 year old. I sound like a complete idiot that it took me that long, and I feel so ashamed of my behavior. But I've never had a serious relationship because I was looking for what I found in him. I've had flings, dates, boyfriends, but nothing that took honest work and no one I was in love with. I was inexperienced and I was so terrified of losing him that I pushed him to the point of breaking. I know he's hurting over it too. We didn't break up because someone cheated or because we fell out of love, but because I reminded him too much of the immature way his ex acted, and he'd told me from the start that he could 't go through that again. I caused this, and now it's killing me because I really do love him. I KNOW I have more chances in the future to fall in love, but he and I fit together so completely. I would do anything to prove to him that I've learned what he was trying to tell me, but it's so hard to give him space and leave him alone. And on top of that, I can't give myself the hope that he will accept my apology, because he dealt with so much in the past that I'm half sure he's going to dig his heels in on this one and freeze up to everyone. But I want him to know I've learned from this and that it WILL NOT be repeated. Now that i see how I was acting, I could never do it again. And on top of that, believe me, never will I go to our friends for advice again. Bad, bad, high school type mistake. I don't know. I didn't give the details in the first place because they're so complicated and basically could form a very dramatic novel and/or soap opera. I just wish I knew what to do or if he would forgive me. Two weeks to the day since we started fighting/ I started acting even worse/ we haven't really talked, and I still cry at the thought of him. I've never been this upset over anyone, and no matter how much I tell myself to be positive or that it will get better, it still feels like someone's squeezing the air out of my lungs. Sorry it's so long. It's probably a pretty interesting read, though, like I said, total soap-opera.
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