benq Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I have been with my fiance for 8 years, we have been engaged for one and we were supposed to be married in about 4 months. About 3 years ago she got into a fight with one of her ex-friends she grew up with and the friend said that she slept with me, but honestly we didnt. Not even kiss or anything even close to intimate. We fought at the time she said that but it was forgotten, now a few days ago that "ex-friend" started working at the same place as my fiance works at. So the it hit the fan again, and she accused me again of cheating on here 7 years ago with her friend. So a few days ago she took off and says she needs time to think about stuff and be alone. But honestly it seems like the only thing she is doing is bar hopping every night with her friends. We have two kids together, and a house so its kind of hard to just split, but i really feel bad about this whole thing. I have really bad anxiety, and feel like she is out partying to get even with me for cheating, and it sucks because i really didnt even cheat. I am not sure what to do about this, if i should just let her be away for now, or if her not trusting me is a sign we shoudlnt get married in the first place. It just seems like she doesnt give a crap and just takes off so easy, which i feel like crap about this whole thing, crying and being depressed every day.
D-Lish Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 The ex friend sounds like a lunatic! I wouldn't normally suggest going to such lengths to clear your name- but could you talk to her ex friend and confront her- and record the conversation? What is wrong with the ex friend that she would interfere in a relationship in such a way??? Is she crazy? You need evidence that contradicts what the friend is telling your fiance. I don't see any other way to clear your name. If you don't want to record a conversation- you could always set something up so that you talk to this girl on the phone while your ex is listening in. Get your ex to tell the girl she has left you and is going away for the weekend so this girl doesn't suspect anything is going on- then give the girl a call and ask her why she is lying. You have to confront the friend so that the gf hears the conversation. Be careful though- the girl sounds like a psycho... so I wouldn't go the accusatory route or she may hang up on you. I'd go with a gentle confrontation pleading with regard to your feelings... Maybe something along the lines of "I know this sounds crazy- but my gf thinks you and I fooled around... can you please help me straighten this out because I am upset and don't want to lose her..." Appeal to the wretchid woman's human side to get the confession. That's brutal she would make up such a lie and ruin you and your gf's relationship out of some sick need for revenge.
AnLandy Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Not to be a buzz kill, but recording a conversation without another party's knowledge or consent is a criminal offense in some states. If you do it over the phone, it can be considered wire tapping. If you do it in person, it can be considered a use of electronic media for purposes of fraud. Before taking such a step, check with an attorney.
sally4sara Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Not to be a buzz kill, but recording a conversation without another party's knowledge or consent is a criminal offense in some states. If you do it over the phone, it can be considered wire tapping. If you do it in person, it can be considered a use of electronic media for purposes of fraud. Before taking such a step, check with an attorney. This isn't true in most states. In fact I'm not sure where is it true; most states it is only wire tapping if you are not part of the recorded conversation. And this tap wouldn't be for any legal proceedings; just to let the fiance hear.
D-Lish Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Have the gf just listen in then. As much as it may be illegal in some states- I can't see it becoming an issue in this situation... the other party wouldn't even know she was being recorded, that could just be something that the OP and gf know about then they can destroy the tape. Problem solved- no evidence.
AnLandy Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 This isn't true in most states. In fact I'm not sure where is it true; most states it is only wire tapping if you are not part of the recorded conversation. And this tap wouldn't be for any legal proceedings; just to let the fiance hear. I record a lot of conversations as part of my job. We have to be very careful about letting our research subjects know that they are being recorded, both in person and over the phone. When conducting phone interviews with subjects in certain states, we have to have signed consent in order to do it before the interview even commences. When we want to use recording devices in person, we have to be even more careful. These tapes are not being used for legal action, and they will not be reviewed by anyone outside of our research team. I was involved in a lawsuit over the recording of a phone conversation without the other party's knowledge. It was a personal conversation, not intended for use in court or for research purposes. Eventually, it was dismissed, but the defendant went through a hell of lot on inconvenience just to get an incriminating statement on tape from someone. He woud up paying several thousand in legal fees.
Ronni_W Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I was going to suggest something similar as D-lish -- ask for a meeting with ALL THREE of you present. Much more to gain by keeping it totally open and above-board...that is, if this "friend" of hers even dares agree to it. (If she does not, that ought to prove to your fiance, what is really what, in any event.) But then, have a list of specific questions for "friend" -- where, when, how, what were you wearing, what was I wearing, where was <my fiance>, did we do this, what did you like the best??? Etc., etc. The other part, about it seeming so easy for her to 'take off' from you, the kids and her adult responsibilities...for that I would suggest individual and couples' counseling. (You also will likely benefit from professional help with how better to cope with all of this.) All of it is kind of pointing to at least postponing the wedding date until you BOTH have a sense of love, commitment, trust, collaboration, and all the other stuff that a happy, fulfilling and successful relationship requires. Sending hugs and good wishes.
backto1 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Something is wrong with this whole thing... If your fiance believed you 3 years ago, why would she EVER have gone back to a friend like that? Why would your fiance suddenly believe her liar friend's story this time around? It doesn't make any sense. And why is your fiance going out bar hopping and neglecting the house? After 8 years I would think your fiance would be willing to talk to you like an adult, not run off to the bars. In your shoes, I would be furious with my fiance.
sumdude Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Something is wrong with this whole thing... If your fiance believed you 3 years ago, why would she EVER have gone back to a friend like that? Why would your fiance suddenly believe her liar friend's story this time around? It doesn't make any sense. And why is your fiance going out bar hopping and neglecting the house? After 8 years I would think your fiance would be willing to talk to you like an adult, not run off to the bars. In your shoes, I would be furious with my fiance. Yeah... almost sounds like she wanted some excuse to leave. My ex wife accused me of cheating when I was off on a business trip to Korea. 6 weeks later she moved out without warning. During that whole period in between? She was disappearing all the time, out late at night, on the phone hours a day with someone else etc etc.. In the end it looked a lot more likely that she did the cheating.. or wanted to...or just needed an excuse to get out. All you can to is let her go and get on with your own life.
porter218 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I record a lot of conversations as part of my job. We have to be very careful about letting our research subjects know that they are being recorded, both in person and over the phone. When conducting phone interviews with subjects in certain states, we have to have signed consent in order to do it before the interview even commences. When we want to use recording devices in person, we have to be even more careful. These tapes are not being used for legal action, and they will not be reviewed by anyone outside of our research team. I was involved in a lawsuit over the recording of a phone conversation without the other party's knowledge. It was a personal conversation, not intended for use in court or for research purposes. Eventually, it was dismissed, but the defendant went through a hell of lot on inconvenience just to get an incriminating statement on tape from someone. He woud up paying several thousand in legal fees. I understand your point but if we are going to get to the nitty gritty here, then I may point out the ex friend is guilty of slander and defamation of character....so if she were to pursue legal action she doesn't have a leg to stand on. Do as D-lish said. This is the only way to settle this for good, and your fiance will owe you an apology. I had to do this before for my husband, it sucks being wrongfully accused but you have to do whatever it takes to clear your name.
Author benq Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Yeah... almost sounds like she wanted some excuse to leave. My ex wife accused me of cheating when I was off on a business trip to Korea. 6 weeks later she moved out without warning. During that whole period in between? She was disappearing all the time, out late at night, on the phone hours a day with someone else etc etc.. In the end it looked a lot more likely that she did the cheating.. or wanted to...or just needed an excuse to get out. All you can to is let her go and get on with your own life. i am starting to agree, i tried to tell her we can call 3 way, i can email and CC her, but she doesnt want to hear it. Its just really hard to deal with this right now, but maybe it is the best to just let her go if she is going to be like that.
backto1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I'm sorry benq, that's really sad. It would reflect much better on her character if she was straight up about the real problem. There's no way she's being upfront with you while choosing to take her lying friend's story over yours without even giving you a chance. I wish the best for you.
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