BleedingLove Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 First of all sorry for my English. My first language is Spanish and I am from the Caribbean. I’m still learning. Ok. This is my story. I just want to know your opinions and critics. I am a 26 old MW with 8 years in a relationship with my husband (35), 2 of them married. No kids. More than 6 months ago I start to feel unhappy with my relationship. We have no sex at all, or just one time a week if I am on the mood. I also lost my mom and became depress and sad all the time. My husband gave me everything I want. He is an Engineer. I work, but he always paid for everything in the house, also he helps me with the cleaning. He looks like the perfect husband to everyone, for me too. He's a good man. He's patient, kind, handsome but has problems showing love. I love kissing, hugging and he isn’t into it. Our relationship and sex became so boring but I know I love him and he loves me, and I don’t see my life without him. Three months ago something happened. I meet this Lawyer online (35). We write in a Spanish forum too. He is so intelligent and handsome. I am who first contact him with a private message regarding some legal documents and other stuff. So one day I was so bored in my work, so we started chat using gmail chat and he was very nice to me. He is married too, seven years with one little girl (about 3 years old). He lives two hours from me. We started to talk everyday for 3 hours or more and finally meet three month ago. We were agreeing in having a ‘one night stand” only because no matter what our personal issue was we love our husband/wife. I travel to his town and stayed in a nice hotel. He took me to dinner and drink in a nice lounge. We have a great night, one of the best in long time. We have sex and he leave in the morning. To me everything was ok, just one night and I feel happy with that. I back to my normal and boring life. The problems is, he (OM) sent me a nice e-mail so we keep in touch and talk again everyday and make plans for future dates… Now we have a sexual relationship that turns emotional and nice. He told me he have the same problems. No sex at all with his wife who is depress too for family problems and other things. He told me he loves his wife but he cares about me too and he said he needs me more than anything. Sure. I’m having the best sex with him. I feel over the moon and sad at the same time. We send every morning loves notes and some things like that. Like when you start a love and a real relationship with someone. We see each other one or two days a month because our work, the distance and we don’t have excuse leaving the house frequently. We do not talk about getting divorce or leaving our partners. We just are living our life and this affair. I fall in love with this man and I do not what to do. Now I’m sad for me and for my husband. He does not deserve that, but I cannot leave the OM. I will visit a psychology. I think I need help because my live is in chaos. I am confused because I think I love this OM, more than my husband. I talk to the OM about to stop our relationship and he said no. What can I do?? What are the possibilities our relationship will work? I know I need to stop this, but I want to read real experiences.
Lookingforward Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Ok. This is my story. I just want to know your opinions and critics. I am a 26 old MW with 8 years in a relationship with my husband (35), 2 of them married. No kids. More than 6 months ago I start to feel unhappy with my relationship. We have no sex at all, or just one time a week if I am on the mood. I also lost my mom and became depress and sad all the time. My husband gave me everything I want. He is an Engineer. I work, but he always paid for everything in the house, also he helps me with the cleaning. He looks like the perfect husband to everyone, for me too. He's a good man. He's patient, kind, handsome but has problems showing love. I love kissing, hugging and he isn’t into it. Our relationship and sex became so boring but I know I love him and he loves me, and I don’t see my life without him. Really ? You don't see your life without him ? I do, when (and it will be when, not if) he finds out about your betrayal. He gives you everything, and this is how you repay him ? This may be a lot of things, but love it isn't. Have you considered talking to your H about your issues rather than going outside your M?
bentnotbroken Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I was waiting for someone else to say it. Thanks.
Author BleedingLove Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 [/b] Really ? You don't see your life without him ? I do, when (and it will be when, not if) he finds out about your betrayal. He gives you everything, and this is how you repay him ? This may be a lot of things, but love it isn't. Have you considered talking to your H about your issues rather than going outside your M? Sorry I didn't explain myself clearly because I don't want to write a testament. Yes, actually I talk to him about our boring life and problems but he said everything is ok and maybe I need help and medication to my depression. He still not kissing me or hugging me or something like that. He doesn’t have a clue about my relationship with the OM because I not change with him. I still a lovely wife with him. I asked him to seek for marital therapy but he is not interested. What can I do? I know cheating was not the solution. But, hey! I’m human and I made a mistake. Obviously I am confused, so I will never tell him about my infidelity. I don’t want to hurt him.
bentnotbroken Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Sorry I didn't explain myself clearly because I don't want to write a testament. Yes, actually I talk to him about our boring life and problems but he said everything is ok and maybe I need help and medication to my depression. He still not kissing me or hugging me or something like that. He doesn’t have a clue about my relationship with the OM because I not change with him. I still a lovely wife with him. I asked him to seek for marital therapy but he is not interested. What can I do? I know cheating was not the solution. But, hey! I’m human and I made a mistake. Obviously I am confused, so I will never tell him about my infidelity. I don’t want to hurt him. You didn't make a mistake you made a choice. And in the words of our wise OWL, you have already hurt him by having the affair. Telling him is just the right thing to do. He should have a say in whether or not he wants to remain married to you. If you don't tell, there will always be a lie between you, and no marriage can thrive with secrets between the partners. If you approach him with true remorse and repentance, he maybe more inclined to work on the marriage, than if he finds out on him own. You need to see a counselor and a doctor to get the attention you need, not another woman's(who you said was already hurting and depressed)husband. What kind of man would see his wife hurting and not get her help, but seek another woman in the same position. He is a user and you are allowing him to use you and helping him to hurt your husband and his wife.
Lookingforward Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Sorry I didn't explain myself clearly because I don't want to write a testament. Yes, actually I talk to him about our boring life and problems but he said everything is ok and maybe I need help and medication to my depression. He still not kissing me or hugging me or something like that. He doesn’t have a clue about my relationship with the OM because I not change with him. I still a lovely wife with him. I asked him to seek for marital therapy but he is not interested. What can I do? I know cheating was not the solution. But, hey! I’m human and I made a mistake. Obviously I am confused, so I will never tell him about my infidelity. I don’t want to hurt him. As bent said , you already HAVE hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet. You ask "what can I do" but you seem to have already decided against certain options like 1. stopping the A now 2. telling your H 3. getting counselling and/or as your H suggested medication for your depression. and fwiw, I'm sure you're a "lovely wife with him", too bad you happen to be a cheat as well, why don't you tell him and ask HIM "what should WE do now" ?
Author BleedingLove Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 Ok, I will tell my husband about my infidelity. Do you have an idea how he will react? Do you think he will forgive me? Do you think he will stay with me? It's easy, right? No, isn’t. I know I can’t be selfish or liar for a long time. Is not easy for me, I’m CONFUSED. In two weeks from now I have an appointment with a professional counselor. He doesn’t want to go with me. So, I’m alone in this. I will work my marriage alone and life my live in the same way as always. I hope the counselor have answers for me and help me through this. And yes, I’m still a lovely wife and isn’t in the sarcastic way.
bentnotbroken Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Of course you are confused. Doing what we want and what is right are very rarely the same thing when we are doing wrong. Talk with your counselor, but why do you say that you will be in a M alone. If you truly feel that way, leave him. But if you tell him the truth you might open his eyes to what you and he might be able to build. But you certainly would give him a say in his own life. That's only fair to him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Ok, I will tell my husband about my infidelity. Do you have an idea how he will react? Do you think he will forgive me? Do you think he will stay with me? It's easy, right? No, isn’t. I know I can’t be selfish or liar for a long time. Is not easy for me, I’m CONFUSED. In two weeks from now I have an appointment with a professional counselor. He doesn’t want to go with me. So, I’m alone in this. I will work my marriage alone and life my live in the same way as always. I hope the counselor have answers for me and help me through this. And yes, I’m still a lovely wife and isn’t in the sarcastic way. Bottom line. If your Husband does not change... ever... can you live him and not cheat? I don't think the OM is even a point for consideration. The only reason you like him is because he is giving you attention and affection. Just as a side note... I'm not a big fan of you and the OM, cause you could wind up helping to wreck his marriage and hurt his 4yo girl!! Do you think you are in a position to ask for a divorce?
Lookingforward Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Ok, I will tell my husband about my infidelity. Do you have an idea how he will react? Do you think he will forgive me? Do you think he will stay with me? It's easy, right? No, isn’t. I know I can’t be selfish or liar for a long time. Is not easy for me, I’m CONFUSED. In two weeks from now I have an appointment with a professional counselor. He doesn’t want to go with me. So, I’m alone in this. I will work my marriage alone and life my live in the same way as always. I hope the counselor have answers for me and help me through this. And yes, I’m still a lovely wife and isn’t in the sarcastic way. No, I'm sorry to be honest here, but you are NOT a "lovely wife", a lovely wife would not be cheating on her H, imo. I am glad you are going to see a counsellor, but you know, truth be told, if you stopped this A now, you may still be confused but at least your confusion would be focused on you, your H and your M. Then you may have a chance to become UNconfused.
Author BleedingLove Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 Thank you all for you opinions. I will end my affair but I wont tell my husband. He will not forgive me and I want to be with him with affection or without affection. I hope the counselor will help me.
Lookingforward Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Thank you all for you opinions. I will end my affair but I wont tell my husband. He will not forgive me and I want to be with him with affection or without affection. I hope the counselor will help me. Bleeding, that's your decision of course, but hopefully through counselling you will come to realise that keeping this to yourself will become a heavy burden that weighs down your joy in life and your M. You will always be waiting for the other shoe to fall. You are doing the right thing ending it now and I wish you a safe journey through this.
Ronni_W Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Bleeding, It's too bad that your husband doesn't recognize the need for counseling in his own marriage. But... You gotta do what you gotta do -- everyone else's opinions are just that...and that includes your counselor. You are the only one who really knows your heart and who can uncover your soul's lessons and purpose...listen to your own Inner Guide. When you are considering ending your marriage, I'd suggest that you do so WITHOUT thoughts of the new man. Make it simply about whether or not you want to be married to your husband. Aside [1] Your counselor will NOT have answers for you -- that is not her or his function. S/he WILL help you arrive at your own answers and solutions. Aside [2] I don't believe that we can be hurt "without knowing it" -- it just does not seem logical to me. If/when YOU ever decide to tell your husband of your affair...THAT will be the right time for YOU to do it. Don't let others influence you on this one. Sending Love and Light.
me003 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 More than 6 months ago I start to feel unhappy with my relationship. We have no sex at all, or just one time a week if I am on the mood. I also lost my mom and became depress and sad all the time. I know it;s too late, but what do you think make you find another man? The death of your parents? The no sex? You know you are wrong and you are going to end it which is great. Before you do make any decision look at the reason why you cheated. I think once you figure out the reason why then you can make a decision. Maybe you think that you love your husband because of all the wonderful quialities that he has, handsome, works, cleans the house... But if you are very physical and he is not then maybe he is also having an affair too. who knows? If he were to be having an affair how would you feel? If you had more sex before and now you don't, that is also hard on him too. However, you mentioned that he is not lovingly, if you tell him and he forgives you, can you live with him not being as loving for the rest of your life or will you find another man to fill what your husband is not giving you??? You have too see what will make you happy and what will make him happy too. If you are not happy and you are pretending you will always live a lie even if its not an affair.
NoIDidn't Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Bleeding, Sorry for your loss. Did your mom pass before or after you started feeling unhappy in your M? Its a common theme to marriage therapists when an A starts after a death in the family - especially a death of a parent. I understand your feelings about your H's inability to show affection. I would chalk that up to him being an engineer, unfortunately. But there are ways to help him change that without getting him into therapy initially (the therapy will come later once he's more open to the idea). Check out the book "Divorce Busters". Also, look at books on Grieving. As for telling your H, I have mixed feelings on that, so you will have to use your own judgment there. Men tend to be unforgiving of infidelity while expecting forgiveness if they do it (which women usually give), so I understand not wanting to end your M because of the confession. But you MUST end the A. Period. Good luck with everything.
Owl Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 If you want your marriage to change, you have to make a change. Your H doesn't show his love by physical affection the way that you want him too. He might not understand how important this really is to you. Telling him about the affair will probably be a wake up call for him. It will show him how things in your marriage have broken down. It gives him the same choice that you have right now...to stay married, or to move on. If you don't tell him about the affair, you create an opportunity for the affair to continue, or a new affair to start. Tell him about your affair...if he chooses to rebuild your marriage, then you should INSIST that you both start marriage counseling together.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 There could be another reason why he distanced himself from you before the affair. Dont live through your life with your head in the sand. It's his marriage too, he deserves to know what's going on.
Author BleedingLove Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 It’s hard for me explain my issues in English because is not my first language, so please understand. I never live with my dad who passed away in 1997. However I had a perfect relationship with my mom, she was more than a mom, and she was my best friend. She passed away on September 2007. Her death was a surprise because she was healthy. I saw her died in only 3 days. I was and I am in shock. I think everyday in her and I need her opinions about my problems There are many factors about my problems with my H. We both work and arrive late to our home, like 7pm everyday. The weekends are the day we share and have “sex”. In the weeks I am very tired and both are addicted to the Internet. I know this is not helping my marriage. And yes, the death of my mom also affects my relationship. I am depress and sad all the time. I do not have many friends to talk about it. I called her everyday, and now I can’t. Remember this is a sensitive theme, I can’t tell anyone about it. Our problems began like 1 year ago. We had a great chemistry in sex and suddenly disappear. I’m sure he isn’t having an affair. He always has problems showing his feelings. Is the way he is. I accept him with his entire defect. For me marriage isn’t only about sex, but I don’t what happened to me. I began feel empty and need someone who kiss me, hug me and tell me how beautiful I am. The OM is very nice with me and treats me in the way I like. Also, my husband was my first boyfriend, my first man, everything to me. But now, I really don’t know. I don’t know if I love him, I don’t know if I want to live without him. I don’t know if I want lo leave him. I’m confused. I sent an e-mail to the OM let him know that I need to end our relationship. I’m very sad. I’m tired. I’m lonely. I’m in tears right now. I know I’m a bad person for what I did. My husband no matter what our problems are deserved this. But, trust me I’m not happy with this. I talked to him about our situation more than one time. He said everything will be ok, and he said I need professional help because I am depressed ETC, ETC. He knows how I feel about the sex and the affection things. So, what can I do? I never will tell him about my affair. I can’t. I’m sure he will leave me right away. I will learn how to live with this.
NoIDidn't Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Not to alarm you, but your H sounds like he is having an A too. The "things will be fine", "You're depressed", sound dismissive like he doesn't want to deal with your feelings. Losing your mom was pretty recent then. It makes sense now. Tell or not is your decision. But you have to fix the issues in your M and allow yourself to grieve your mother's loss to get through this.
Owl Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 HAVE you gotten any professional help for depression? Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor on your own, without your H, to see what can be done to fix where your marriage is at? Here's my practical advice: 1. End the affair with OM...TODAY. Send him a letter/email telling him that its over, and do NOT let him contact you again. 2. Get into counseling. Both treatment for depression, and see what can be done to resolve your marriage situation. 3. Once that it started, then start working out a plan on including your H into your counseling, and determining how you'll tell him about the affair. 4. Decide after that if you should continue your marriage, or end it.
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