kizik Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 For those struggling with NC- They may even hate you. They may say they never want to hear your voice again. Or if your situation is like mine, you're both trying to move on without the other and it's not an active hatred that is between you - it's a lesser resentment while realizations about the unhealthiness of the R become clearer every day. But whether they still love you, hate you or are indifferent, I can guarantee you that they want you to call. You calling says, "I'm thinking about you and you're still in my thoughts. I want to remind you that I'm here because maybe you'll say you made a mistake." They want you to call because it is a huge ego boost, as it gives that person power and a sense of superiority. We are now fighting a battle, people, not just with our exes but with ourselves. And the best thing is to do is to ensure there are no winners and losers. Each person after an R wants to feel like they have the upper hand. If your ex told you, "I just don't think we work well together anymore," they have the upper hand because THEY are rejecting YOU. Don't let em do that. You have already given them so much of what they wanted, and they have taken advantage of your goodness. In many cases they have abused you, whether emotionally, mentally or physically. I want her to call so I can reject her. She wants me to call so she can show me how well she's doing. All of you out there who says their ex doesn't play games - you better believe they do, b/c every detail about how people act after a breakup is part of one big, face-saving game. And the best way to play the post-breakup game is to refuse to participate at all. So realize that you lose a piece of yourself each time you play the game. I am devastated about what happened, but I'm a motherf*cking poster child for keeping your dignity after a breakup. And I'm proud of myself.
wareagle Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I think I love you Kiz!! Jk! I wish I could express myself as well as you do here! I look forward to more words of wisdom buddy!
BlindleadingtheBlind Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 This is exactly what I needed to read/hear. I might need to read this every day from here on out. Thank you.
Author kizik Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 War: I love you too, man. Let's have buttsex. Blind: You're welcome. Glad to help.
foxh1234 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I say it here now- I WILL NOT TALK, WRITE, EMAIL, SCREAM, WAVE OR HAVE ANY OTHER FORM OF CONTACT WITH HER AGAIN. IF SHE CONTACTS ME I WILL NOT RESPOND. GOODBYE BABE AND GOOD F**KING RIDDENCE.
inulg Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 this is great...! hard though, very hard. it sucks that they get such an ego boost from it why cant we all just get along?
motive2002 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Its been almost 3 months with a peep. She hasn't called, I haven't called. I haven't always been so together about stuff. I've been fallen-down drunk calling my sister and getting weepy over the phone and making a giant ass of myself.... But I still haven't contacted her. If it weren't for this forum I probably would have. If only my memory for things like phone numbers wasn't so good. I want to forget that number so I'll never be tempted... but it was such an easy number to begin with.
FauxVowel Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 For those struggling with NC- They may even hate you. They may say they never want to hear your voice again. Or if your situation is like mine, you're both trying to move on without the other and it's not an active hatred that is between you - it's a lesser resentment while realizations about the unhealthiness of the R become clearer every day. But whether they still love you, hate you or are indifferent, I can guarantee you that they want you to call. You calling says, "I'm thinking about you and you're still in my thoughts. I want to remind you that I'm here because maybe you'll say you made a mistake." They want you to call because it is a huge ego boost, as it gives that person power and a sense of superiority. We are now fighting a battle, people, not just with our exes but with ourselves. And the best thing is to do is to ensure there are no winners and losers. Each person after an R wants to feel like they have the upper hand. If your ex told you, "I just don't think we work well together anymore," they have the upper hand because THEY are rejecting YOU. Don't let em do that. You have already given them so much of what they wanted, and they have taken advantage of your goodness. In many cases they have abused you, whether emotionally, mentally or physically. I want her to call so I can reject her. She wants me to call so she can show me how well she's doing. All of you out there who says their ex doesn't play games - you better believe they do, b/c every detail about how people act after a breakup is part of one big, face-saving game. And the best way to play the post-breakup game is to refuse to participate at all. So realize that you lose a piece of yourself each time you play the game. I am devastated about what happened, but I'm a motherf*cking poster child for keeping your dignity after a breakup. And I'm proud of myself. **** yes. Thank you for this man, I'm gonna print it out, and I didn't even read the whole thing yet. **** yes they want you to call. I ****ing love this thread. **** THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
FauxVowel Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Sticky this thread dammit. This needs to be one of the first threads people see when they come here.
orangehose Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Wow, kizik, that was a great post. You know, it IS oddly comforting to think that some small part of them (even if they're not feeling / thinking as much as we are) wants us to call them for the ego boost. I mean, who doesn't mind a little bit of begging and worship or just plain interest? Who doesn't relish the idea that someone, even someone they no longer want, isn't over them, or still thinks of them? At least in the first couple of months, before total indifference takes over, they must feel flattered by contact. They're only human, just as we are. And yes, NC is the way to maintain dignity. It's been over two months for me, and I still have days when it's hard to hold onto NC. But I get through those days, and I look back and feel glad I did keep NC. Although the state of indifference isn't arriving as soon as I had hoped...
pickingupthepieces Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 THAT was the wakeup call I needed.. thank you
renaissancewoman101 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Is keeping dignity always a good thing. Sometimes if someone means that much to us, giving up a piece of dignity is not a bad thing.
FauxVowel Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Is keeping dignity always a good thing. Sometimes if someone means that much to us, giving up a piece of dignity is not a bad thing. Well, if they cheat on you, then lie to you about it, then leave you for someone they just met, after they've known you 11 years... and then they come back, and pretend to want you back, but when it comes down to it, they tell you they are gonna go sleep with the new person for their birthday, and then they will call you tomorrow... Oh, and then they hate you because you jeopardized their new love affair... I'll keep my dignity, thanks.
Author kizik Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 Thanks everyone for appreciating this thread. I am so glad to be able to give people a little bit of perspective, though I will fully admit that I'm having a hard a time as anyone with this whole stupid, exhausting breakup thing that is a natural part of life. Speaking of natural, everyone please remember that breakups happen. It is not a reflection of our personal worth, but rather a fact of life. This is what I mean: I am a musician, and I was at an open mic tonight. My songs were about heartbreak. The next guy's songs were about heartbreak. The next chick's songs were about heartbreak. And on and on and on. The only thing separating us, the ones currently going through heartbreak, and the rest of the world (whether they are married, single or dating) is that our heartbreak is freshest. What I'm trying to say is that there is no shame in any of this. Repeat: There is No Shame in Being Heartbroken. Do not feel guilty. Do not feel worthless. Was my ex as bitch? Sure, but I need to be careful not to demonize her. There are undoubtedly things about me that she really didn't like. Now, I do not care to think about what those things are, as it will only cause guilt... And that's what I'm telling you to avoid doing and feeling.
Author kizik Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 And that's what I'm telling you to avoid: feeling like this breakup is a reflection of self. No. Some people do not work well together. Sometimes it takes years to really see this. And that's OK. Life is about learning lessons that you will apply to the next experience. The key is to make sure to learn something. Thanks everyone.
Karyyk Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 "I want to remind you that I'm here because maybe you'll say you made a mistake." We know it means that too. That's why so many of us have a problem keeping it up. We want them to realize that...sad as it is. Sometimes it's easier to play the charade than to try and improve the situation. That takes work...
Author kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Right now I'm seeing her as a mental patient, someone who sucks the life out of men for her own benefit. She's sick. She's really sick in the head and she'll never get better b/c she'll never look deep into the mirror and into her own eyes long enough to see what she's done to not only me, but many men along the way. How I let her smash me to bits, kick me like a dog and treat me like a little bitch for so long, I'll never understand. I'm going to be a f*cking man for the first time since I met her. She turned me into a p*ssy-whipped little boy and I'm ashamed. Ashamed of my own inability to say, "F*ck you R*****. I'm outta here. You are the meanest goddamn woman I've ever met in my life!!!!!!!!"
inulg Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I will call her. A bitch or a slut! lol, that was awesome! haha.. i wish i could say my ex wanted me to call, but i'm pretty sure i'm the last thing on his mind right now (actually i'm more than likely NOT on his mind.) more reason for me to try to trek through this stupid stupid phase we call heartbreak and find someone that gives a ****.
foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Right now I'm seeing her as a mental patient, someone who sucks the life out of men for her own benefit. She's sick. She's really sick in the head and she'll never get better b/c she'll never look deep into the mirror and into her own eyes long enough to see what she's done to not only me, but many men along the way. How I let her smash me to bits, kick me like a dog and treat me like a little bitch for so long, I'll never understand. I'm going to be a f*cking man for the first time since I met her. She turned me into a p*ssy-whipped little boy and I'm ashamed. Ashamed of my own inability to say, "F*ck you R*****. I'm outta here. You are the meanest goddamn woman I've ever met in my life!!!!!!!!" I am seeing my ex as a low self esteem slut, that needs the attention of men to make her feel worth something. I never thought of her this way while we were together, but something changed in her over the last year. She is not the same person I met and fell in love with back in 2000. I won't know what happens to her from this point on and I hope eventually not to care. I don't want to ever see her again.
Mountie Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Kiz, thanks for the inspirational words of wisdom. Going to court today to finalize the divorce. I haven't talked to her since May 29th and we split on the 27th. Today is going to be tough, but after reading this I know I am going to be just fine.......... Mountie
foolednm Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Wow, kizik, that was a great post. You know, it IS oddly comforting to think that some small part of them (even if they're not feeling / thinking as much as we are) wants us to call them for the ego boost. I mean, who doesn't mind a little bit of begging and worship or just plain interest? Who doesn't relish the idea that someone, even someone they no longer want, isn't over them, or still thinks of them? At least in the first couple of months, before total indifference takes over, they must feel flattered by contact. They're only human, just as we are. And yes, NC is the way to maintain dignity. It's been over two months for me, and I still have days when it's hard to hold onto NC. But I get through those days, and I look back and feel glad I did keep NC. Although the state of indifference isn't arriving as soon as I had hoped... I agree with you that they actually do get great pleasure by us contacting them so they can then hurt you and belittle you and stomp on you like a bug. They get pleasure out of it. It makes them feel good. It makes them happy that they can still hurt you. My ex, a certified narcissist, doesn't give a sh*t about me, she isn't thinking of me and I'll bet you that she KNOWS that I am thinking of her and am still hurting for her. She is now sleeping with someone else, he was at her place last night, she was at his place all last weekend, and they are happy as pigs in slop. Yet those of us that truly loved them, are hurting and the more we think about them, especially about them having great sex and having fun and laughing with the new person, the more we think about them, we are the only ones hurting ourselves. She doesn't care. She's getting laid and loves that you know about it and she knows that it is killing you/us. So, the million dollar question is....WHAT the FU*K do we do about it?? HOw do we deal with this??? How can we get over them? I have been asking my counselor for months...WHY can't I get over her? She has no answer but to say that it is obvious that she hurt be quite badly. Well, duh!! NO SH*t!!.. So, again I ask you all....HOW can we get over them, What can we do to stop thinking abou them. Come on ladies, give us YOUR perspective from your side of things. I think men and women handle these things differently and when the man is purposely/intentionally hurt, we somehow lose our minds and don't know what to do. How do you women deal with it? HELP!!! I am going Fu*king CRAZY!!!
Author kizik Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 You ask for female advice. Not a chick, sorry, but here's what's been helping me. Really realize how they mistreated you. Would you want to be with that person again? No goddamn way. So if you don't want to be with them, why do you care about them? You don't care about them. She can go f*ck and f*ck over whoever she wants and it won't affect you. YOUR prob, fooled, is that you KNOW what she's up to. She's sleeping with some dude; why have you allowed yourself to know this? Keep yourself in the dark, recall those humiliating times in which she made you feel like the biggest loser scum in the world, and ask, "Do I want to be with with, talk to, or know about such a horrible bitch?" No way. She is someone else's problem now man, and a lot of chicks can really be more harm than good. PS. your counselor sounds like an idiot
Author kizik Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 *bump* because I think this thread could still help some people.
Recommended Posts