Well, I just gave up the dogs for good

[backto1]

My ex of 4 years broke up with me about a month ago but we took turns with the dogs on a week-on/week-off schedule. I need to move on, don't want to be the guy trying to hold on, and can't stand seeing her any more so I just gave her the dogs for good. She was confused about why I packed up their toys to go with her but I didn't say anything. I'm sure she'll figure it out.

 

Let the NC begin.

 

Day 1 of complete and utter radio silence.

 

Day 7 of me not initiating contact but responding to contact in a short, business-like manner.

 

Oh and also, it's weird but I find my evenings and nights alone not too bad at all. But every morning I wake up and feel like crap. I'll feel fine at night, wonder how in the world I could ever feel bad again, but still be able to predict that I'll feel like crap when I wake up.

[kizik]

Oh and also, it's weird but I find my evenings and nights alone not too bad at all. But every morning I wake up and feel like crap. I'll feel fine at night, wonder how in the world I could ever feel bad again, but still be able to predict that I'll feel like crap when I wake up.

 

Same here, man. Sleep is a temporary reprieve from reality - unless of course you're dreaming about her - and then the newness and pain of the situation comes back once we wake. All I can say is that everyone here understands. And that's worth something.

[northstar1]

My ex of 4 years broke up with me about a month ago but we took turns with the dogs on a week-on/week-off schedule. I need to move on, don't want to be the guy trying to hold on, and can't stand seeing her any more so I just gave her the dogs for good. She was confused about why I packed up their toys to go with her but I didn't say anything. I'm sure she'll figure it out.

 

Let the NC begin.

 

Day 1 of complete and utter radio silence.

 

Day 7 of me not initiating contact but responding to contact in a short, business-like manner.

 

Oh and also, it's weird but I find my evenings and nights alone not too bad at all. But every morning I wake up and feel like crap. I'll feel fine at night, wonder how in the world I could ever feel bad again, but still be able to predict that I'll feel like crap when I wake up.

 

Same here dude. When I actually go to sleep at night, Im usually pretty relaxed and calm and realize that I am going in the right direction.

But mornings are rough, reality comes crashing in............

 

But like everything else, it too shall pass.

[Integrare]

I'm in the same boat with you guys with the waking up thing. I'm going to try some affirmations tomorrow morning telling myself that the day is going to go great! I got the idea from watching Joel Osteen. Anyhow, it must suck to give up your dogs, but I agree and think you made a good decision. Good luck, bro.

[backto1]

Thanks people! I think the mornings suck because when I knew that I had the one right girl, my mornings were easy! Nothing could stop me. Now it reminds me of waking up for grade school the first day after Christmas break all over again.

 

Getting out of bed and leaving the house always helps.

[Art_Critic]

She was confused about why I packed up their toys to go with her but I didn't say anything. I'm sure she'll figure it out.

 

 

Why play a game ? You will just be on LS in a week saying she can't get the hint and keeps contacting you..

 

You really should have explained to her that the dogs were now hers and then started NC...

 

I guess it's too late now but you needed to be on the up and up with her..

[backto1]

Yea that's a good point. I just didn't have the heart to say that "I never want the dogs again ever." I was weak. No more weakness.

[stillstrong1]

This is my first post on here, but I have to agree with everyone about the pain in the mornings. By the evening I feel great and feel like I've moved on, but when I wake up, it hits me like a truck and I can barely get out of bed.

 

BTW, backto1, I read your other post about how things ended with your girl. Seems like almost a carbon copy of my previous relationship, which ended about a month ago. I'm struggling with the same things, such as guilt and worry. You write so clearly, I feel I can really relate to your situation.

[backto1]

Thanks stillstrong. Aint love a beotch? I wish I hated my ex like everyone else does but she's a good girl, works hard and will be successful one day. I took her for granted, lost interest in her and now I get to pay the price.

 

For a long time, I kept wanting to break up with her, I felt like I was missing out on things and I stopped putting effort into the relationship. Why did I have to do this?

 

When I turned 21 three years ago, she got upset when I went out to the bars, was very insecure and I had to ditch my friends several times when she came over crying about things. She wouldn't let me go on a road trip with the guys ever too.

 

I took her out of town several times on very nice vacations/shopping sprees when I was making tons of money at poker (should've been saving it instead of spending it) but she always made it about me picking my friends over her. I kind of did sometimes but she got ridiculous about it. So I guess at least there is something about her I didn't like. But other than that, we were a perfect couple.

 

I built up resentment and it showed in my affection and lack of sexual desire for her. She kept asking me to do random little things for her like surprise dates, surprise meal...anything to show a little effort but I neglected it like a big-foreheaded idiot.

 

Now I sit here, lost my dogs, am a recent college graduate and super stressed about being unemployed while everyone else I went to school with is successful and owning houses. Arghh...

 

Good news - I was thinking about the positive things in my life like how good I've been doing at the gym, how girls are showing a little bit of interest and wondering where my life will lead...and I smiled! For no reason I just kinda chuckled at how ridiculous and fragile and exciting life can be.

 

It will get better. I hope one day I can meet her again when she's left the bar phase and dropped her screwed up, slutty friends and become happier with herself. If not...well I'll be happy again by then and won't worry about it.

 

Good luck all you heartbroken f*ckers. Life is what you make it and it'll get better.

[northstar1]

Thanks stillstrong. Aint love a beotch? I wish I hated my ex like everyone else does but she's a good girl, works hard and will be successful one day. I took her for granted, lost interest in her and now I get to pay the price.

 

For a long time, I kept wanting to break up with her, I felt like I was missing out on things and I stopped putting effort into the relationship. Why did I have to do this?

 

When I turned 21 three years ago, she got upset when I went out to the bars, was very insecure and I had to ditch my friends several times when she came over crying about things. She wouldn't let me go on a road trip with the guys ever too.

 

I took her out of town several times on very nice vacations/shopping sprees when I was making tons of money at poker (should've been saving it instead of spending it) but she always made it about me picking my friends over her. I kind of did sometimes but she got ridiculous about it. So I guess at least there is something about her I didn't like. But other than that, we were a perfect couple.

 

I built up resentment and it showed in my affection and lack of sexual desire for her. She kept asking me to do random little things for her like surprise dates, surprise meal...anything to show a little effort but I neglected it like a big-foreheaded idiot.

 

Now I sit here, lost my dogs, am a recent college graduate and super stressed about being unemployed while everyone else I went to school with is successful and owning houses. Arghh...

 

Good news - I was thinking about the positive things in my life like how good I've been doing at the gym, how girls are showing a little bit of interest and wondering where my life will lead...and I smiled! For no reason I just kinda chuckled at how ridiculous and fragile and exciting life can be.

 

It will get better. I hope one day I can meet her again when she's left the bar phase and dropped her screwed up, slutty friends and become happier with herself. If not...well I'll be happy again by then and won't worry about it.

 

Good luck all you heartbroken f*ckers. Life is what you make it and it'll get better.

 

Great post man, seriously.

 

My ex is also a good girl and I have nothing but good thoughts for her and her future - unfortunately there were obstacles and timing for us to continue. One day, maybe we'll meet again - but it's hard when you really dont' have any contempt for them at all when things end.

[stillstrong1]

backto1,

 

Yeah, my ex is a really good girl too, very smart, getting her PhD from Princeton this summer.

 

Couple things happened with us, at one point she stopped trying and would go out socially with me to events looking homely- sneakers, sweatpants, no makeup, etc. Then she picked up smoking (because she said she was stressed about her thesis) but didn't even try to chew gum or use mouth wash or whatever to disguise the smoke even though she knew I hated it.

 

I sat down with her at one point and told her that she stopped trying for me, and she freaked out. Didn't want to talk to me for a week. Then her insecurities went off like crazy, she went into my journal and read all of it, started obsessively looking at my other ex's myspace page (even though I haven't talked to her in 4 yrs), was constantly grilling me about my actions prior to our relationship (which lasted almost 3 yrs) and finally hacked into my email passwords, which she only admitted to months later. It got really messy towards the end, and she overstepped the limits due to her insecurities and paranoia. She kept accusing me of "settling" for her and not really finding her attractive, etc.

 

Anyway, despite all this, I do still miss her.

[backto1]

Man, that's tough! I hate it when it's such stupid little things that we know we should have gotten past but didn't. But if you think about it, everyone who breaks up has their own pain. If it's not guilt, it's being betrayed, if it's not either of those two it's because the love of your life suddenly died...breakups all accomplish the same thing: f*cking us up for a while.

[AnLandy]

backto1,

 

Yeah, my ex is a really good girl too, very smart, getting her PhD from Princeton this summer.

 

Couple things happened with us, at one point she stopped trying and would go out socially with me to events looking homely- sneakers, sweatpants, no makeup, etc. Then she picked up smoking (because she said she was stressed about her thesis) but didn't even try to chew gum or use mouth wash or whatever to disguise the smoke even though she knew I hated it.

 

I sat down with her at one point and told her that she stopped trying for me, and she freaked out. Didn't want to talk to me for a week. Then her insecurities went off like crazy, she went into my journal and read all of it, started obsessively looking at my other ex's myspace page (even though I haven't talked to her in 4 yrs), was constantly grilling me about my actions prior to our relationship (which lasted almost 3 yrs) and finally hacked into my email passwords, which she only admitted to months later. It got really messy towards the end, and she overstepped the limits due to her insecurities and paranoia. She kept accusing me of "settling" for her and not really finding her attractive, etc.

 

Anyway, despite all this, I do still miss her.

 

 

Can I just make an observation from the female perspective? I have a Ph.D. It took six years of my life to acheive it, two of which were dedicated to cramming for comprehensive exams and writing the stupid dissertation. I am not defending your ex's behavior, but I can tell you from experience that writing a dissertation is THE MOST STRESSFUL, FRUSTRATING, AND HUMILIATING EXPERIENCE THAT I HAVE EVER ENDURED.

 

I have moved three time in three years. I have purchased a house. I have been caught in the middle of a drive-by. I have changed jobs three times in three years. I have moved to the other side of the country on my own. I have burried three friends under the age of 25. Honestly, compaired to the dissertation, those events were relatively easy. At least when the big stressors and tragedies descend, you have some idea of when it will be over. You will close on the house in six weeks. You will move on a specific date. You also are allowed to wallow in the drama and be extreme, and everyone forgives you and understands.

 

With a dissertation, you spend months, maybe years, of your life trying to please a committee of three to five academics with massive egos. They constantly tell you that your work isn't "just right yet." You are told on a weekly basis that what you have produced has to be changed. Two of them will ask for revisions that are completely contradictory. During this process, you have no control, no power, no free time, no life, and no sense of predictability where your future in concerned. You hardly have a chance to eat, bathe, or pee, let alone spend time making an effort to look attractive. If I managed to leave the house in the morning with all of my clothes on and my hair combed, it was a good day.

 

Add to this the issue of ever mounting tuition bills and student loans ($75,000 and still paying. I'm on a 55 year repayment schedule:(). Then there is the lack of sleep, the 100 hour weeks that never end, the search for a job, working your current job to make ends meet while your dissertation committee makes up its mind about whether or not you are actually worthy of the tittle "Dr.", and the ensuing health problems that come from the chronic stress. My hair started to fall out, I gained ten pounds, and I pretty much had diareah on a weekly basis.

 

When you told her your feelings about her lack of effort to look attractive, she was probably hearing, "You're not good enough. You need to be better. I don't care about the stress and pressure that you are under, you should make an effort for me. I'm losing interest in you. I'm judging you and finding that your efforts aren't good enough."

 

She was probably thinking, "Nothing I do is good enough. I'm failing at the dissertation, and I can't get anything right. I'm not giving anything my full attention, not even my relationship. Now he's threatening to find someone else because I'm not attractive enough for him anymore."

 

Again, I'm not defending her freak out or her invasion of your privacy. That was reactive and immature behavior. But her interpretation of your comments was probably a little more complex and paniced than you had anticipated.

 

Pluse, we're women. We read hidden meaning into everything.

[D-Lish]

It's inevitable that one party eventually take possession of the cannines... I got possession of the dogs in the divorce- believe it or not we actually wrote the dogs into our divorce. It was agreed that all medical expenses be split in two during the duration of their lives. Our dogs were 4 when we split- they are 9 now...and to this day he splits every vet bill with me.

 

A couple years ago my lil guy Scooby-Doo almost died from someone placing poison in the park (he ate it).... That resulted in a 3,000 vet bill to get him well again. My ex split it with me, and we spent hours on the phone back and forth lamenting about the crisis. It may seem silly to people that don't understand, but my dogs are like my kids, and to this day I know he feels similar. He hasn't seen them in about 4 years, but I update him and send him pictures at his request.

 

I understand how hard it would be to share custody with the dogs. I have known many couples that have tried to treat the matter as if they are children... but they are not. At some point, the animals have to "belong" to one party or the other. You can't let go fully if you are sharing custody with animals. To be completely honest, someone new in your life would not understand the animal sharing... So it's probably best to cut ties as you have.

 

I would inform her though... It's only fair. I hope you got to say good bye to them and got some closure out of your last visit.... even with pets, i feel it's important.

[stillstrong1]

AnLandy,

 

I know what you are talking about, I have other friends who are getting their PhD (in the humanities) and they are concerned about finding work and future prospects. I know she was stressed out,but her situation was a little different than yours. She is in the hard sciences and all her stuff was paid for and she even had a decent stipend to live off of. She has no debts. While we were still dating, she was applying for post-docs in the norhteast and she was courted heavily by Yale. After we broke up, she announced that she was accepting a post-doc at Oxford and would be moving to England for 3 years! Then she called me saying that if I hadn't screwed up, we would be married and going to England together by now! I'm not sure I would've been so excited about the move.

 

At any rate, I'm just saying that she has all of her ducks in a row and sounds like she had less stressors than you. I never told her she was unattractive. I had dated women before who did print modeling, and she didn't have that kind of beauty, but I loved her and admired her for a whole bunch of other, less superficial reasons. I guess she wanted to be admired as a beauty queen too, and what I did wasn't enough.

[AnLandy]

AnLandy,

 

I know what you are talking about, I have other friends who are getting their PhD (in the humanities) and they are concerned about finding work and future prospects. I know she was stressed out,but her situation was a little different than yours. She is in the hard sciences and all her stuff was paid for and she even had a decent stipend to live off of. She has no debts. While we were still dating, she was applying for post-docs in the norhteast and she was courted heavily by Yale. After we broke up, she announced that she was accepting a post-doc at Oxford and would be moving to England for 3 years! Then she called me saying that if I hadn't screwed up, we would be married and going to England together by now! I'm not sure I would've been so excited about the move.

 

At any rate, I'm just saying that she has all of her ducks in a row and sounds like she had less stressors than you. I never told her she was unattractive. I had dated women before who did print modeling, and she didn't have that kind of beauty, but I loved her and admired her for a whole bunch of other, less superficial reasons. I guess she wanted to be admired as a beauty queen too, and what I did wasn't enough.

 

 

When you described her looks in the above posting, you referred to her as "homely". Given that you have dated models before, that is a lot of competative pressure for a woman.

[stillstrong1]

When you described her looks in the above posting, you referred to her as "homely". Given that you have dated models before, that is a lot of competative pressure for a woman.

 

Let me clarify. She's not homely. She's an attractive girl. Especially when she puts on makeup and a nice dress to go out- very sexy. I meant that she was looking "homely" for a stretch of time in that she put no effort into her appearance even when we would go out somewhere. And I sat down and voiced those concerns. The problem wasn't how she looked, it's that I felt she wasn't trying, especially with the smoking thing. How hard is it to buy a pack of gum so your boyfriend doesn't feel he's kissing an ashtray?

[backto1]

It's inevitable that one party eventually take possession of the cannines... I got possession of the dogs in the divorce- believe it or not we actually wrote the dogs into our divorce. It was agreed that all medical expenses be split in two during the duration of their lives. Our dogs were 4 when we split- they are 9 now...and to this day he splits every vet bill with me.

 

A couple years ago my lil guy Scooby-Doo almost died from someone placing poison in the park (he ate it).... That resulted in a 3,000 vet bill to get him well again. My ex split it with me, and we spent hours on the phone back and forth lamenting about the crisis. It may seem silly to people that don't understand, but my dogs are like my kids, and to this day I know he feels similar. He hasn't seen them in about 4 years, but I update him and send him pictures at his request.

 

I understand how hard it would be to share custody with the dogs. I have known many couples that have tried to treat the matter as if they are children... but they are not. At some point, the animals have to "belong" to one party or the other. You can't let go fully if you are sharing custody with animals. To be completely honest, someone new in your life would not understand the animal sharing... So it's probably best to cut ties as you have.

 

I would inform her though... It's only fair. I hope you got to say good bye to them and got some closure out of your last visit.... even with pets, i feel it's important.

 

That's a good story...sad at the same time.

 

I am with you there, we loved those dogs to death. But you can't trade them forever.

 

I really don't know what to say to her about it now...If I call or text now just to say that it would look like I'm just trying to keep in touch. If she contacts me about it next week I'll let her know.

 

I also must admit that I suspect a dark part of me didn't want to tell her my intentions as some immature way of doing to her what she did to me. What she did was keep me hanging on with the "i miss yous" and "i want you backs" until she suddenly stopped talking to me or responding. It's stupid and pathetic but what can I do now.

 

I'll be up up front if she asks but I'm not going to initiate anything now. But...I did put all of their toys, dog treats, claw clippers and flea medicine in the bag too so I'm still pretty sure that when she looked through the bag she got the idea.

[D-Lish]

Well, I can imagine that giving up your animals is sad for you too... but probably also the right thing for you to do given your situation.

 

Meh, my ex and I had a strange post-divorce anyway. We remained friends despite the circumstances. I couldn't imagine us continuing trading weekends with the dogs now so many years later. When it was all said and done- the dogs were mine. It was way too hard on him to see them after we split- because so many reminders of our relationship were imbedded in loving our dogs together as a unit.

 

I am sure she has gotten the hint. I am sure she knew it would come to this. It's okay. I think it sounds as if you need to work on you... and that starts with cutting off contact. It has to be done so you can move on.

 

I do think you made a good decision. As a fellow dog lover, I know it must be hard on you- but also necessary.

[backto1]

Thanks D, that's good to hear. Yes it sucks very much so. I can't wait to get a new dog for companionship after everything around here settles down. Good news is it's 5:50 AM and I am about to head out to my final interview for a financial advisor position. Some things are moving in the right direction at least.

[AnLandy]

Thanks D, that's good to hear. Yes it sucks very much so. I can't wait to get a new dog for companionship after everything around here settles down. Good news is it's 5:50 AM and I am about to head out to my final interview for a financial advisor position. Some things are moving in the right direction at least.

 

 

As the foster mom to many lost and abandonned dogs and cats and strong advocate for the Humane Society, all I ask is, that when you feel you are ready to find a new canine companion, please adopt.

 

I am on my way to the pound right now to pick up yet another foster cat whose owner dumped it out of inconvenience. There are a lot of healthy, wonderful shelter animals waiting out there for someone to find them and love them. Unfortunately, I have already adopted two dogs, three cats, and a rabbit, so my house is pretty much at capacity for permanent residents:rolleyes: