AnLandy Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 My fiance and I just broke up las night. After six months of dealing with the stress and issues of trying to combine our lives, I think that we just came to understand that we are too different to really have a successful marriage. I have traveled all over the world, while he doesn't even have a passport. I love ethnic food, and he exists on chicken, brocolli, and brown rice almost exclusively. I own my own home and love having the freedom to decorate as I want, while he prefers to live in an apartment where all of the decorating decisions have been made for him. I like to vary my routine, and he prefers to come home every evening and watch "Seinfeld" reruns. I'm a cautious optimist, and he prefers to see the negatives. I embrace change as an opportunity, while he avoids it as much as possible. I can get bored easily, while he likes the comfort of repetition. In the end, we just didn't have enough common ground to keep moving forward. It all came to head this week, after I received an offer on my house. Suddenly, it all seemed a little too "real". He kept telling me over and over again that he felt so guilty that I was "giving up" so much to be with him. I agreed to sell my home, move 50 miles westward to equalize the commute between our jobs, rent a house (rather than buy), and resign from two city commission in the town where I currently live. He also told me this past week that he wasn't certain about moving out of his apartment and renting a house. He likes living in a complex, he wants the convenience of a workout room right accross the parking lot, and he wants the emmenity of a pool, even though he doesn't like to swim. While we were having this conversation, my inner alarm bell just kept going off. How could I be with this man? Why was it so hard for him to compromise and move out of his aprtment into a rented house, where there would be a yard for my dogs and a washer and a dryer that don't take quarters (the two emmenities that I really wanted). All I can say is that I am glad this happened before the closing takes place on my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right now, I am just focusing on practical matters, like calling the buyer to back out of the deal, cancelling our vacation reservations for next month, returning his things, getting my keys back, and collecting my property from his place. When that's done, I don't know what to focus on next. I have yet to tell my family about the split, and I'm not sure when I will feel like doing that. So far, I have only told one friend. I know that I will be alright and that I will move on and recover. I have a lot of faith in my own ability to land on my feet. Part of me is relieved that the stress of the relationship is over. Another part of me just jurts like hell.
kizik Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 It sounds like you're doing really well, considering. Sadly I see a bit of myself in your ex-fiance, as your complaints are similar to my ex's about me. However, I do not shy away from change, as much as she would paint me that way... Anyway, yeah, you two sound far too different for this to work. Like you said, at least it ended before your house closed! It's so funny how many couples stay together out of fear. Congrats on being strong enough to end the R, even if it's scary and hurts like hell.
Author AnLandy Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 It sounds as though you and my ex would actually get along. He's a really wonderful man with a lot of the qualities that I am looking for in a partner. However, he just wasn't right for me. As he put it, he likes to see the glass as half empty, while I don't even think about the glass at all. In my mind, there's a whole refridgerator full of beverages sitting just accross the room. If the glass isn't full, I'll just walk over and top it off. Honestly, I'm a better person for having been with him. In the end, maybe that's what is really important.
sunshinegirl Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. Hopefully we can be of help as you move forward with your life. That being said, you sound confident in the decision to end the relationship. I admire your strength of conviction! Any chance you can bottle it up and pass it around to those of us who aren't yet confident that it was all to the good that our own relationships ended? You are likely to experience some lows in the coming days and weeks...those are good times to post on LS. Good peeps on here to help you through.
Author AnLandy Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 I am a task oriented person, so once I run out of practical issues to deal with, the crash will probably set in. There are three main residual issues that I am currently coping with. 1) I have to collect my things from his place tomorrow and give the key back. I will be doing this while he is at work, and I intend to leave the key in his mailbox. He wanted me to wait and collect everything after he got home from work, but I just don't want to do that. Picking my stuff up will definately be emotional. I don't know how well I will cope with that. 2) He told me that he doesn't want the ring back. It's in my safety deposit box, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Also, I don't think that he is the kind of guy who would turn around later and take legal action, but I have no actual documentation that he told me to keep the ring. I would like to sell it, but I''m not sure that's a wise move. 3) He loaned me $800 to pay my taxes this year. I have repaid half of it, and he told me that he doesn't want the rest of it back. Again, I have no documentation, besides his statement, that he doesn't expect repayment. I'm nervous that he might change his mind. Also, I am the type of person who likes to honor my obligations, and I hate having an unpaid debt. Right now, I am focused on these issues. You're probably right that I will hit a low sometime soon. So far, I haven't even cried.
Author AnLandy Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 I am at day three, and most of the practical tasks have been dealt with. I collected my things from his place yesterday, which was easier than I had anticipated. I took my dogs with me to keep me company while I packed up, which helped. We went to the dor park later and hung out with the other canines and their families. It was a good distraction. I have made all of the phone calls to my immediate family and my closest friends. They were all really sympathetic and supportive, in their individual ways, which helped. When I called the lady to informer her that the sale of the house would not move forward, she was very sympathetic. In the end, it was not the horrible ordeal that I had expected it to be. Other issues, like cancelling our vacation, etc... have also been dealt with. Right now, I am just in a wierd limbo. Part of me is missing him, the person. Another part of me is dealing with the disappointment that the future we had been planning is not going to happen. We agreed to two weeks of NC, but I am finding that I am actually tempted to contact him. Part of the motivation is just the fact that I miss him. Another part of it is just wanting to offer him comfort and vice versa. Even when the relationship was shacky, the two of us were always very supportive of each other, and we still turned to each other for help and support with our individual problems. I must confess that I miss that part of the relationship. It's odd, but that lingering spark of hope that we could still work things out is dimishing pretty quickly, but it is still there.
joejoechen Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Wow girl.. I'm impressed. You are doing great by standing your own feet! I'm standing by with you!! Please, do keep us posted! Joe
Author AnLandy Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 It's still day three, and I actually wrote him an e-mail. I didn't send it, though. It's in my draft folder. I asked for two weeks of no contact, now I'm tempted to break it:(
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