Trialbyfire Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I will: 1. Keep things equal. If he's consistently emotionally unavailable or physically unavailable, I will pull back my own energy, time and presence until he balances it out on his side. 2. I will keep an open heart as long as I can, and when I can't love him anymore in a happy and free way, I will get out. Point one will get you to point two. The minute you start withdrawing, will be minute power games will begin. Just skip the first step next time.
Author melodymatters Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Well, over the course of time, #1 can happen to the best people in the best relationships. I think recentering ones energy vis a vis the relationship, isn't neccesaily a death knell !
Trialbyfire Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 If you're going to try to balance an unequal relationship investment, talk about it, instead of playing games. I can see the mutual withdrawal happening naturally, since most healthy people will do so, when they experience an inequity. The minute power games begin, it's very difficult to end, unless one person is big enough to break that cycle. Otherwise you get gaming to the death (of the relationship).
Author melodymatters Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 I think we both agree here: wer'e just getting all semantic-y !
Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Love this thread! I won't: 1. Ever answer a question about an ex again, even when begged. I will only respond with "He sucked. You rock. End of story." (And I sure won't ever again admit that an ex had a big d*ck, even when I'm drunk and assured "It's okay. I'm not threatened by it at all.") 2. I also won't ever again give a guy an excuse he can use for his bad behavior. After calling him on his behavior and asking why he did that, I will shut my mouth and listen, and open my eyes to see what's going on. I will: 1. Keep things equal. If he's consistently emotionally unavailable or physically unavailable, I will pull back my own energy, time and presence until he balances it out on his side. 2. I will keep an open heart as long as I can, and when I can't love him anymore in a happy and free way, I will get out. I'm printing that out and taping it to my bathroom mirror.
Art_Critic Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Of course the I won't ever list is basically over for me since I'm married... But....( when I was single ) 1). I will never loan money to a GF ever again. 2). I will never allow my wedding ring to be pawned in a marriage ( my first marriage ) and think all is okay because she gets it back... ( long story ).. but my ex or then wife pawned the wedding ring to pay for a gas load ( we owned a Texaco C-Store together ) and she had a huge spending problem and needed 10k overnight and didn't want me to know.. I could write a book.. about this type of stuff that happened in my first marriage... 3). I will never just blindly say yes when asked if I can please pay the hotel bill at Disney world for a 5 day stay ever again.. I walked up to the desk and asked them to clear the hotel tab/bill and put it on my Amex... The bill was almost 13k.. My then wife had been putting dolls and teddy bears from a convention on the room... I paid it with a shocked smile and then we got home put myself into marriage counseling..
Lauriebell82 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 To put the thread back on topic, some things I won't do in a relationship are: 1. give someone who lied to me another chance 2. lend big sums of money that you expect to get paid back to you 3. be with someone that I have absolutely nothing in common with 4. believe someone when they say that they will "never hurt me again" after already lying or hurting me
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 1. Never date a woman who drinks to get buzzed or drunk. 2. Not date a woman who can't treat me like a new person. 3. Never mess with a woman I meet on the net for more than a month and not set up and confirm a day of meeting. 4. Pay for everything date we make after the first two or three. 5. Not be totally open and honest about everything about my past too soon. DNR
AAlike Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 ah, yes, I forgot about the role that finances can play in a relationship. that's another thing - never lend money to, borrow money from, or get involved in a business transaction of any signficance with a girlfriend. I mean, nothing wrong with whatever percentage of dates or extracirricular stuff each party wants to pay for (I tend to pay for probably 90% of stuff, and that 10% is because she likes the feeling of paying once in a while), but beyond that keep your finances totally separate or totally combined. I lent my girlfriend a pretty substantial amount of money early on as we are in very significantly different financial states (we're not very far apart in age but she's fresh out of grad school and I've been working for six years - big difference). I met her two days after she moved to the city and had found a place via craigslist and the roommate situation was essentially unlivable - so I kicked her up cash for a security deposit so she could go elsewhere. figured that it was no big deal - i knew she'd be a lot happier out of there, it wasn't a huge amount of money to me, she'd be able to pay me back once she had gotten a couple of paychecks, and she moved into a place that was super close to where I work so I figured that I could just crash at her place. Well, the problem with lending anyone money that you know fairly well is when you see them spending money on themselves for whatever reason, you naturally think to yourself "they could have used that money to pay me back instead of buying a round of beers" or whatever. This effect is compounded when you're with the person that owes you money enough that you can observe each and every one of their spending habits. This led to me trying to suggest "hey maybe you shouldn't buy that" on occassions, which wasn't comfortable for either of us. Plus, it made her feel sort of indebted to me not just financially but within the relationship, which also caused a little rift.
nicki Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 (Thanks, Star ) AA, I know what you mean! I try to never lend money. If I have it and someone is in need, I simply give it to them without expecting it back. Too much drama and destruction to relationships if you become a banker. I also don't generally accept money from men either, unless engaged or in some situation where my money and his money becomes OUR money. Otherwise, it creates a HUGE imbalance in the relationship. Goes back to keeping things equal. That said, a woman who takes money for a security deposit and otherwise spends money recklessly isn't a keeper, and is taking advantage of your generosity. It's a question of differing values. Would she have your back if you needed money? Is she selfish and a big taker? Hey, I want to add to the list: "I will never ever be afraid to rock the boat. I will always communicate what's going on with me -- what I think, feel, want and why I am doing what I'm doing." I'm confrontational and expressive, so I didn't think to put it on the list! Again, a great thread! I am learning so much!
AAlike Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 (Thanks, Star ) That said, a woman who takes money for a security deposit and otherwise spends money recklessly isn't a keeper, and is taking advantage of your generosity. It's a question of differing values. Would she have your back if you needed money? Is she selfish and a big taker? Let me clarify - she didn't ask me for the money...in fact, she didn't even want to take it from me...but to me it was like "well, for $1K I can make us both happier and I'll benefit too, she'll pay me back, it's worth it" so I actually kind of had to convince her. that's why I considered it my mistake! Also, she doesn't spend recklessly - but it seemed like there was just this weird vibe hanging over both of our heads when she bought ANYTHING...even when she bought me a birthday present it was like "well you could have paid me back with that" - you know?? we'd go out and she'd offer to pay for something and it was like "we both know you're not REALLY paying for it" - and so on. Just not a good idea. Luckily, we have since figured out a way to rectify the situation! oh, another thing - don't ever ever EVER lend a car to an SO!! A friend of mine had his GF convince him to borrow his relatively new car and she totalled it. It wasn't even her fault but he never forgave her and I think that they might have gotten married had that not happened.
backto1 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 1. I will never take a good girl for granted 2. I will never assume that long term relationships don't require some work and sacrifice 3. I will never stay with a girl whom I've lost the feelings for 4. I will never date a girl who likes to drink and party on a weekly basis 5. I will never date a girl who has screwed up, skanky, moral-less friends 6. I will never date a negative girl
kladia Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Gosh, I was always SOOOOOOO paranoid when I borrowed my ex boyfriends car. One time he was renting an RV for a trip, and I went with him so that he could drive the RV, and I could drive the car back to his house (I should also mention it was a brand new car). This truck almost ran me off the road! I honked at it, but apparently honking at a truck is uncool, and these other truckers surrounded me for the next 30 miles until I got off the interstate. Made it in one piece though, phew! I've seen enough Judge Judy episodes to learn that lending money in a relationship is never ever good. Either make it a gift, or don't lend them anything at all...or be ready for small claims court when you break up before they pay up!
t_veron Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I recently made myself extremely vulnerable. And I put some really serious stuff out there - some of which I knew would hurt him, but that i had to let him know what I was thinking. It worked. He is still around, he knows how I feel about certain issues and we have a place to work from. So far, so good. I love you OB for making my day. I live my life that the only way for a relationship to survive is if the walls and games come down and are replaced with honesty. At least you have something to work with and it surprises me how everything in the media and people suggest "games" work. They don't do anything but created more emotionally scared people.
t_veron Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Things I learned to do in future relationships are: 1) Let a woman play me like a puppet 2) Be available to her 24/7 3) Tell her I love her 5 times every day 4) Buy her whatever she wants 5) Let her dictate when and how we have sex Then I'll give her a crack in the @ss and tell her to fetch me a beer.
amymarieca Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 This is THE best thread ever! Three things I will never do again: 1) Date a guy for 8 years before finally realizing he is just never going to propose. 2) Wait by the phone for a guy to call and then get upset when he doesn't. 3) Date someone and stay with them because you are scared of being alone.
knaveman Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I will not overthink things to the point of talking myself out of a good thing. I will not play her or my own games. I will not change myself or my beliefs just to please a date. I will listen to what I am told and believe what I am shown. I will relax and enjoy the time I have with the women I like.
Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I will never believe someone who says "never". :lmao:
Trialbyfire Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Another one to add to my list: No more shallow men.
confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I will not send a guy a sappy e-mail pouring my heart out as I am trying to end it.. When it comes to that point they no longer deserve an explanation and it is only humiliating to me
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 1) Dress or look better than a woman...An old female friend of mine use to hate to go out with me in public because she said I dressed better than her. 2) Think that non-contact after a year equals broken up...My 2nd gf and I lost contact for almost two years so I moved on and though she did. OOPS! 3) Let a woman who claims she is divorced seduce me again. 4) Not tell a woman when to quit drinking. 5) Tell a woman I am not into her directly and without being wishy washy about it...I sometimes think too much on another's feelings and my true feelings and words don't come across or I break down and give them a try knowing that I am not really happy. 6) Try not to get into any discussion with a person who can say..."The dictionary's definition is wrong." TRUST ME I DID GET THAT ONCE! 7) Get too upset with people who might tease me because I date a really short woman...For the love of all! She was Japanese woman and not a midget! DNR Yeah, while my life may not be as exciting as a lot of others...I have had my share of moments and misadventures.
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