Why would a woman who didn't put out be shocked if she was cheated on?

[Egoolps]

I really, really don't understand this.

 

You hear it all the time: Women who do not have sex with their BF/Fiance/Husband regularly. Then, all of a sudden when they find out their SO cheats, they are heartbroken. Why? Why are the heartbroken if they were turning down their SO for sex and they went and got it elsewhere.

 

Someone please give me a rational explanation for this.

[melodymatters]

Um, no insight here, but my last......ahem, male person, was extremely emotionally ( unhealthily ?) bonded with his crush of 4 yrs, so had a hard time "hurting" her, after SHE decided she was asexual 2 weeks into the relationship !

 

SHE, didn't understand him leaving her for me, because to HER it was the most 'intimate" relationship she had had thus far ( at 36 !)

 

BUT, he ended up choosing her, then me, then...who knows, SO...

 

my answer is ; maybe if the GUY is that unhealthy a human being he might very well stick with the "mommy who doesn't love me, but THIS time i'll win" figure !

[carhill]

IMO, a more mature solution is to end the marriage/relationship if the sexual incompatibility is non-negotiable.

 

There is no "logical" or "rational" explanation for an emotional reaction to infidelity, no matter what the impetus. Emotions obviate logic

 

FWIW, men and women can be interchangeable in this scenario and the same would apply to homosexual relationships.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its a tricky thing really. Some women can be perfectly happy in a long term relationship that is nearly asexual in nature. There really are women out there who, over time lose the desire for sex - and they don't need or want it to feel satisfied in their relationships. It is a part of who they are, I guess. When a man continues to push for sex, eventually a woman of this type will get frustrated and angry - thinking that the SO loves sex more than he loves her. That causes her to see sex as the 'enemy' - that if there weren't this problem with sex, everything would be ok. So, they have less and less - and the times that it does happen, its a matter of... "oh, ok - just hurry up".

 

When the man finally goes and gets it elsewhere, she sees it being a matter of the SO placing a higher value on sex than everything else in the relationship, even to the point of taking the risk of losing the relationship by cheating. It isn't the fact that he is having sex with someone else necessarily - but the idea that when he weighed his options: his relationship v/s sex - sex won out.

 

Why is she shocked and heartbroken? Because she thought that her SO would love her enough not to cheat regardless of the frequency of sex.

 

I can definitely see it from both sides: I can see why a man would eventually cheat in a sexless relationship, and I can see why a woman would be upset by it.

[D-Lish]

I don't know why someone would stay in a sexless relationship if they were unhappy.... That's probably a better question.

 

I dated a guy with an extremely low sex drive- he was like that right from day one. I became so bitter about it and it was a huge problem. he was never going to change and I was never going to be happy with how things were. The solution is to leave them I feel... not cheat.

[Trialbyfire]

The flip side of this is, is it okay if a woman cheats if her SO doesn't provide her with a highly romantic, consistently validating relationship?

 

My take is that there's never a justification for cheating. Walk.

[Bradie]

I'm guessing it's because the women expected that, if sex was something so important to their husbands, then said husbands would try talking to them about it rather than going behind their back. And if talking didn't work, then doing the honorable thing and ending it was probably also expected (if sex was indeed so important to them).

[Lizzie60]

I will never understand that either... kind of strange to think that one partner is dumb enough to think that her/his partner stayn or remain faithful in a sexless relationship..

[imbewildered]

I really, really don't understand this.

 

You hear it all the time: Women who do not have sex with their BF/Fiance/Husband regularly. Then, all of a sudden when they find out their SO cheats, they are heartbroken. Why? Why are the heartbroken if they were turning down their SO for sex and they went and got it elsewhere.

 

Someone please give me a rational explanation for this.

 

THis is a woman we are talking about , remember.

 

As the great Jack Niclolson once said about women , " I just think of a man and remove reason and accountability "

 

he he ..

[blair08]

The same reasson a man shouldn't be shocked when his wife or SO goes out and gets involved in an affair of the heart, (emotional affair) if he is not emeting her needs emotionally.

 

Bottom line, if neither need is being met and no one wants to try to salvage it or even if one does, it wont work, so end it.

[luvmy2ns]

The same reasson a man shouldn't be shocked when his wife or SO goes out and gets involved in an affair of the heart, (emotional affair) if he is not emeting her needs emotionally.

 

Bottom line, if neither need is being met and no one wants to try to salvage it or even if one does, it wont work, so end it.

 

Yes yes! And the very title of this thread which includes the term "put out" leads one to believe the emotional needs are NOT being met.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

This thread is stupid.

My take is that there's never a justification for cheating. Walk.

Yes.

[Lauriebell82]

If the person is that unhappy in a sexless relationship then they should just walk. NOT CHEAT. That's a passive agressive and immature way to deal with the problem.

 

Maybe the SO who isn't getting sex is the issue..not the one who ends up heartbroken because their partner is a scum bag.

[angie2443]

I really, really don't understand this.

 

You hear it all the time: Women who do not have sex with their BF/Fiance/Husband regularly. Then, all of a sudden when they find out their SO cheats, they are heartbroken. Why? Why are the heartbroken if they were turning down their SO for sex and they went and got it elsewhere.

 

Someone please give me a rational explanation for this.

 

You hear one side of the story. Relationships are a bit more completed than that and only the two people in a relationship know what the dynamics are within that relationship.

[Untouchable_Fire]

You hear one side of the story. Relationships are a bit more completed than that and only the two people in a relationship know what the dynamics are within that relationship.

 

What is the other side of the story?

 

I think withholding sex... and that's essentially what we are talking about here... causes emotional withholding. So, instead of making things in a relationship better it makes things worse.

 

I am completely against women who want to use sex as a barganing chip. It's wrong and generally unexcusable. I see it as saying "I don't love you anymore." At that point... it's probably best to go find someone else who does... and hopefully isn't as petty.

[JackJack]

JMO on the matter. I don't think withholding is right because its not. HOWEVER neither is someone who wants to sit on their ass, and not put forth any effort into finding out WHY it is there spouse is not in the giving mood anymore. Most people just don't stop having sex or withhold just to be doing it. Sometimes the one complaining about the lack of sex is at least part of the reason WHY they aren't getting any. Some people, however, refuse to acknowledge that though and would rather take the cowardly road and go get it elsewhere. Some people are to quick to point a finger, espcially at women and say, "Shes just cold and frigid or a b*tch. But they never take a look at the bigger picture and think maybe, just maybe THEY might be a contributing factor to why that is.

[angie2443]

What is the other side of the story?

 

I think withholding sex... and that's essentially what we are talking about here... causes emotional withholding. So, instead of making things in a relationship better it makes things worse.

 

Or, not bieng affectionate with a spouse can cause them to loose interest sexually. Or, bieng verbally and/or physically abusive to a spouse can cause them to loose interest sexually. I could go on. My point is that people are very eager to pass judgement on a situation they really know little about. When you here someone on these boards say that their partner is not giving them sex, you should be aware that you only have a small piece to the whole story.

[Calisto]

I would agree that a person who uses the term 'put out' to describe intimacy with their partner is the problem and gives a lot of insight into why the partner doesn't want to be intimate with them. The person using the term 'put out' is seeing intimacy as a business transaction rather than sexual intimacy and bonding with their partner.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't think withholding is right because its not. HOWEVER neither is someone who wants to sit on their ass, and not put forth any effort into finding out WHY it is there spouse is not in the giving mood anymore. Most people just don't stop having sex or withhold just to be doing it.

 

So, withholding sex is just a passive aggressive way to let your spouse know that your upset about something?

 

I think smart people are direct, and can say whats on thier mind. Or... are you trying to imply that women don't know until they get asked?

 

If your withholding because you don't get enough attention, or affection... I can't think of a better way to make sure you get LESS. If things are really that bad, talk openly, then walk. Most people are only so dense... and if you let them understand what is at stake, they DO take action.

 

Or, not bieng affectionate with a spouse can cause them to loose interest sexually. Or, bieng verbally and/or physically abusive to a spouse can cause them to loose interest sexually. I could go on. My point is that people are very eager to pass judgement on a situation they really know little about. When you here someone on these boards say that their partner is not giving them sex, you should be aware that you only have a small piece to the whole story.

 

Yes, those are sometimes reasons why sex drives diminish. However, I doubt they are the most common. I would wager to guess that the most common reason is lack of priority.

 

If you really read the story with an open mind... often times you will get a good sense of the whole story.

[JackJack]

"So, withholding sex is just a passive aggressive way to let your spouse know that your upset about something?

 

I think smart people are direct, and can say whats on thier mind. Or... are you trying to imply that women don't know until they get asked?

 

If your withholding because you don't get enough attention, or affection... I can't think of a better way to make sure you get LESS. If things are really that bad, talk openly, then walk. Most people are only so dense... and if you let them understand what is at stake, they DO take action."

 

 

Did you not read what I wrote? I didn't say withholding was right. Sure the person "withholding" should communicate to their spouse why it is they are doing what they are doing. BUT so should the person not getting any, they should open up their ears when someone is trying to tell them something, and vice versa.

 

No one truly knows WHY someone might be withholding. People withhold physically(sexually) just as some withhold emotionally, I never said either thing was right.

[EnigmasMuse]

All I know is, if my husband or b/f was verbally abusive to me, that wouldn't make me feel loved and want to lay down with him. If he was physically abusive, nope can't say that turns me on either. If he is arrogant and thinks he deserves getting it all the time without him doing his share and putting in his effort in the relationship, then can't say I would feel sexually close either. Let your spouse or partner know what you need from each other.

 

Getting needs met, sexually or emotionally works both ways. Its not just ALL on the man or the woman, each person has a role in why things might be the way they are.

[PandorasBox]

I know there have been times when a woman has let her husband know not just by telling him but by showing him what she would like from him and the relationship, only for it to fall on deaf ears and he turns the other cheek, but yet still wonders why sex is less and less. Gee maybe he's not listening.

 

I have seen where its the same for men. They let their women know what they would like/need from them as well, only for them to turn the other cheek. In those cases, most deffo, they should either try to seek help on the issues or walk.

 

Theres probably a number of reasons why sex is less or came to a halt, and the issue doesn't just fall on one persons shoulder alone.

[angie2443]

Yes, those are sometimes reasons why sex drives diminish. However, I doubt they are the most common. I would wager to guess that the most common reason is lack of priority.

 

If you really read the story with an open mind... often times you will get a good sense of the whole story.

 

How the heck would you know? Have you done a quality scientific study on this?

[mental_traveller]

Because she wants to have her cake and eat it, is very self-centered, has no clue about the male sex drive, and usually has no idea how much emotional harm it causes a guy to get rejected time after time.

 

The real question is why any guy would stay with a frigid woman like this. Just leave, THEN you can jump into bed with her nympho best friend or sister, and enjoy guilt-free revenge.

[angie2443]

Getting needs met, sexually or emotionally works both ways. Its not just ALL on the man or the woman, each person has a role in why things might be the way they are.

 

I agree with this.