and so it begins...

[theline]

I posted in the Infidelity forum when everything was just beginning to dawn on me, and pretty much got skinned alive; I'm fully expecting it to happen here too, but I figured I'd move on over here anyway.

 

I started working on a project with a friend a few months ago. We're both married; I have two kids. His marriage is falling apart; he and his W have nothing in common. Mine is mostly great, and I truly do love my family, but my H and I hadn't been communicating or getting along well at all (this has started to improve a bit since, in large part because I've spending a lot of time trying to refocus all the energy that has been building with the OM onto him). As we worked on the project and spent more and more time together, we got closer and the attraction between us grew. It started out as just friends talking, turned into flirting and eventually got to the point where it was pretty clear what was going on. We were in an EA (although that wasn't a familiar concept to me before) and were totally into each other. But it remained unspoken until now.

 

We finished working on the project a couple of weeks ago, still see each other in group settings every once in a while (where we act nothing like we do when we're alone), and expressed to each other that we were both sad that we aren't seeing each other every day anymore. A couple of days ago at a meeting everyone had to go and we were left alone. We gave each other a hug, didn't let go, and wound up kissing. It was so intense, and we both knew that it was like crossing the threshold; no matter how innocent we could play our interactions as beforehand, we couldn't do that anymore. We both had to leave but said we had to talk soon. A couple of days later, I met him on his lunch hour and we did, putting everything out on the table.

 

We're on the same page. We have the same analysis of how it all started, where it all came from, and where it's leading. We agree that this is a terrible idea for everyone involved. We're still working together on a (larger group) project that we agree is very important and neither of us want to jeopardize it. I have a family to lose and I know I don't want to leave them. He doesn't know if he wants to leave his M or not. He says he loves her, but it isn't working and he knows it's going to have to end or change somehow. I told him that he sounded like every rationalizing married man in the book and he agreed, and said that he knew it was cowardly to do this rather than work on his M. And I know that I'm not being honest or brave in mine either. We know that what we're looking at doing is unethical. Neither of us want to hurt our partners or anyone else. We know that this isn't going to end well. And yet...and yet.

 

We looked into each other's eyes and said that we knew it was stupid and an horrible idea and that we could analyze why not to do this all day long, but the sheer force of our attraction to each other is so strong, it feels inevitable. We know we can stop this if we want to, and right now we don't. We left it at that...for now. I know it's going to go further. It's just a matter of time.

 

I know I'm going to get flamed here. It's okay. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this and I need to tell someone, even if it's just this motley crew of Internet strangers who are going to react badly to it.

 

And I know. I KNOW. I'm in for a world of hurt and pain and a train wreck of massive proportions. I can't help myself. I'm like a moth to a flame.

[LakesideDream]

Line, You have figured it out, your OM has too, both of you know the score.

 

What you are experiancing is hormones and endorphines. It that rush you remember from being young. It's physically irrestible. We've all been there.

 

Question is, what now? Are you preparing yourself to deliver the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speach? Is the need to do so just as irrestible as the OM?

 

The only advise I can give that you might be willing to listen to. Make sure your OM gives his wife the speach first, and dissolves his marriage before you make your husband miserable. Chances are that he never will, and that you will then face a whole new set of options.

 

Gawd, I hate the 21st Century.

[bentnotbroken]

I posted in the Infidelity forum when everything was just beginning to dawn on me, and pretty much got skinned alive; I'm fully expecting it to happen here too, but I figured I'd move on over here anyway.

 

I started working on a project with a friend a few months ago. We're both married; I have two kids. His marriage is falling apart; he and his W have nothing in common. Mine is mostly great, and I truly do love my family, but my H and I hadn't been communicating or getting along well at all (this has started to improve a bit since, in large part because I've spending a lot of time trying to refocus all the energy that has been building with the OM onto him). As we worked on the project and spent more and more time together, we got closer and the attraction between us grew. It started out as just friends talking, turned into flirting and eventually got to the point where it was pretty clear what was going on. We were in an EA (although that wasn't a familiar concept to me before) and were totally into each other. But it remained unspoken until now.

 

We finished working on the project a couple of weeks ago, still see each other in group settings every once in a while (where we act nothing like we do when we're alone), and expressed to each other that we were both sad that we aren't seeing each other every day anymore. A couple of days ago at a meeting everyone had to go and we were left alone. We gave each other a hug, didn't let go, and wound up kissing. It was so intense, and we both knew that it was like crossing the threshold; no matter how innocent we could play our interactions as beforehand, we couldn't do that anymore. We both had to leave but said we had to talk soon. A couple of days later, I met him on his lunch hour and we did, putting everything out on the table.

 

We're on the same page. We have the same analysis of how it all started, where it all came from, and where it's leading. We agree that this is a terrible idea for everyone involved. We're still working together on a (larger group) project that we agree is very important and neither of us want to jeopardize it. I have a family to lose and I know I don't want to leave them. He doesn't know if he wants to leave his M or not. He says he loves her, but it isn't working and he knows it's going to have to end or change somehow. I told him that he sounded like every rationalizing married man in the book and he agreed, and said that he knew it was cowardly to do this rather than work on his M. And I know that I'm not being honest or brave in mine either. We know that what we're looking at doing is unethical. Neither of us want to hurt our partners or anyone else. We know that this isn't going to end well. And yet...and yet.

 

We looked into each other's eyes and said that we knew it was stupid and an horrible idea and that we could analyze why not to do this all day long, but the sheer force of our attraction to each other is so strong, it feels inevitable. We know we can stop this if we want to, and right now we don't. We left it at that...for now. I know it's going to go further. It's just a matter of time.

 

I know I'm going to get flamed here. It's okay. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this and I need to tell someone, even if it's just this motley crew of Internet strangers who are going to react badly to it.

 

And I know. I KNOW. I'm in for a world of hurt and pain and a train wreck of massive proportions. I can't help myself. I'm like a moth to a flame.

 

 

 

Why can't you talk to some one in the real world? Why not counseling? And it isn't just unethical, it is just plain wrong. You know it is going to go farther because you want it to. Tell H and his W and it won't go any farther. Secrecy is your enemy.

[BreezyGirl]

As someone who is busy extricating myself from such a situation, all I can say is that if you stop now, you won't have opened that Pandora's Box. Once it's opened, there are a world of unintended consequences that come along with it. Don't open the box. It's not worth it.

 

If you do, things will seem wonderful for a while. You'll be blissfully happy. You'll think this sort of advice is crazy. What could go wrong here??? you'll wonder. But you'll see. It's not fun.

 

Stop now and you can walk away with the lovely memory of an "innocent" kiss and hug.

[Ronni_W]

And I know. I KNOW. I'm in for a world of hurt and pain and a train wreck of massive proportions. I can't help myself. I'm like a moth to a flame.

(((hug))) It is so difficult when it hits you like that!

 

There isn't really an easy, "happy ending" solution, either. One must choose between what feels like two less-than-desirable options.

 

Therapy is a good idea...but it will also take a very skilled and compassionate therapist who isn't tainted by her/his own life experiences, and isn't all judgmental and freakish and squeamish about any human emotions and urges.

 

I think I have my 'private message' thing turned on -- feel free to PM me. Or repost if it's not turned on and I'll try to figure that out.

 

Sending Love and Light.

[nadiaj2727]

I did the same thing as you except I wasn't married, just engaged. My xOM told me his marriage was falling apart too. They all think that when faced with an exciting fresh new opportunity. In the end you are setting yourself up for so much hurt. The chances of this working out are so slim. I am so worried for you. Please, stop while you're not as behind as you can get. I wish I would have examined my own life before getting so involved with xOM. What was it that I was missing that wasn't being fulfilled by either myself or my relationship or both? Is the grass truely greener or am I just looking for an escape and towards some impossible fantasy that in the end will hurt so badly?

 

Please don't look to this man to make you happy. Please look within.

[Owl]

So the question is...when are you going to tell your H so that the divorce can be filed?

 

You apparently want both...your H, AND this guy.

 

Is that fair to your H?