10 Things I Don't Miss About You

[mistie03]

It appears that you were with an intellectually inferior, immature narcissist. You should be VERY glad this person is out of your life. You can never, ever have a quality relationship with a narcissist and they are basically incurable. Sorry you wasted your time in the first place.

I have read about Narcissism. I think my ex-bf was one. Yep, waste of time. They are great in the beginning until they have you hooked. It goes downhill from there.

[sunshinegirl]

Sorry--what's "FOO"?

 

"Family Of Origin" - basically, mommy and daddy issues.

 

All your reasons make a lot of sense. Especially the second one--what about E made you feel safe giving up your virginity for him? Did he push you into it or was it an independent decision? Not meaning to be nosy; I just wondered what was behind such an important (on so many levels) decision and what role E. played (or didn't play).

\

 

To be honest, when we met I was simply ready to have sex. I had nearly had sex with my last boyfriend but still had some reservations, but by the time E showed up in my life I had decided that I would let things proceed to sex if it made sense. That being said, he never pressured me: he knew I was a virgin and he was really patient. We were together for about 2 months before we had sex.

 

Here's another question: what do you think your breaking point would have been in your relationship with E.,if he'd not screwed everything up? You ended your story about the future of your relationship with you being pregnant and feeling trapped, disillusioned, and unspeakably lonely. Can you imagine what you might have done from there? Given the cocktail of frustrations you enumerate in this thread, what concentration of them, metaphorically speaking, would have caused you to end it?

 

I am honestly not sure what would have caused me to leave. I was talking about marriage to friends a few months ago, and even then something felt off. So would I have had the guts to cancel the wedding, had it gone that far? Part of me thinks yes, because I would have insisted that we get premarital counseling and I suspect a lot of things would have emerged in that setting that might have indicated I needed to halt things. But another part of me thinks no - I am a loyal person by nature and I still, despite knowing otherwise, have an idealistic view of love ("it can heal all"). That's why on occasion I have said that the universe saved me from him - it may be that I would have been too weak to end things myself. I wrote the story of our future that way precisely because finding myself pregnant in a bad marriage is, quite possibly, the worst thing I can imagine. I would hate to find myself in that situation.

 

I hope you don't feel like I'm "grilling" you--somehow, this kind of exploration works better face to face; I do it all the time with good friends, and they to me, as a way of helping each other clarify our thoughts and feelings. It just seems that maybe for all of us who were "left" by our SOs, the thing we need to work on lies somewhere in our complacency in the situation that only AFTERWARDS we realize was, in many respects, unacceptable.

 

I don't feel like you're grilling - I welcome the questions because I need to sort all this out for myself. Yes, better done in person, but I appreciate it here nonetheless.

 

Now it feels relatively easy to list out all the 'unacceptable' stuff because this is what I need to help kill my love for him. (Ugh, I HATE feeling like I have to kill my love for him. Despite everything, I do, or at least did love him.) In the relationship, of course, you don't want to focus on the bad stuff, or you want to minimize it and otherwise focus on what's good between you. So I found myself stuffing down/justifying/ignoring most of the things I've written about here.

 

It doesn't help matters that I woke up this morning thinking about our trip to S Africa last fall - a trip we both described as the best trip we'd ever been on. I really really miss the companionship we had.

[Nevermind]

Sunshinegirl: you really had an affair with my ex. You must have. Too many coincidences. But I forgive you.

[ianandris]

I'm the opposite of your ex and I still got left.

 

Ditto. Funny how that works...

[foxh1234]

I don't miss

 

1. her being a bitch first thing in the morning to me.

2. her drinking everyday all day

3. her complaining about her work

4. always having to do stuff for her, instead of her doing it herself

5. spending a small fortune on her

6. all the phone calls

7. all the driving to go to her place everyday

8. her never wanting to do anything but sit around

9. always having to help her fix her problems

10. arguing with her all the time.

[sunshinegirl]

Yeah, join the club . It's just so interesting how we see all the cr*p we put up with while in the relationship AFTER it is over (or vice versa, we see only the good things)...and yet many of us--myself, with my now long-time ex, and Sunshinegirl, and others--weren't planning on leaving the relationship! So I guess the question is (one I don't have the answer to): how to use all the new-found "X things I don't miss about you's" to best advantage in the healing process?

 

Is it possible I'm just making up the crap to help me feel better? Is this real crap that I was putting up with, the kind of crap that would truly make a marriage hell? What if it's not such serious crap after all?

 

Besides all that, what is WRONG with me that I miss him, that I am devastatingly sad at the prospect of never seeing or talking to him again? What is wrong with me that I am devastated he has made no effort to reach out to me? Where is my ability to say "Wow, what a dick! I deserve way more than that!" Where is my ability to turn off my feelings given his cheating? I would tell any friend who was in my shoes that it was a gift that he left because clearly his character isn't up to snuff.

 

But it being me, I am justifying his crap behavior toward me instead of using it as a reason to look forward to a much, much happier future for myself.

[foolednm]

GIVEN ALL THE NEGATIVES, WHAT DO YOU THINK MADE YOU STAY?

 

 

 

I think it's a complicated cocktail:

• I'm attracted to narcissistic/unavailable men, likely due to some FOO issues that I'm working on in counseling (Eric was the epitome of unavailable);
  
• Eric was my first sexual partner, and I likely conflated physical intimacy with emotional intimacy;
  
• I loved our lifestyle together and our shared interests: cooking, travel, home renovation, wine...
  

Yikes, can you believe it? Those are the only three things that come to mind right now.

Wow, I think you have taught me something here today. This statement:

"I likely conflated physical intimacy with emotional intimacy;", wow, she was not my first but she was my first ever relationship after my divorce and I fell in completely head over heels. I gave my all and she took it and used it and ran with it. She hurt me more than I've ever been hurt in my entire life. Yeah, when it was good, there was nothing better on this earth, but when it was bad....well, I'm sure you all can imagine all the yelling, belittling and her ignoring my phone calls for days or weeks, and then there I am kissing her ass trying to make up because she had me so hooked. We also loved long weekend trips together, watching HGTV, working on home projects, mine or hers, and we just loved being togther and doing nothing. We loved to read the Sunday paper together over breakfast. God I miss her, but then again, I don't. I want her and love her, but then again, I need to appreciate that I am no longer with her. She was the classic Narcissist and everything had to be about her and her moods. Wow, sorry all.....I seem to have rambled on quite a bit. I just want to get over her and I'm having a real hard time doing it. Any advice?

[sunshinegirl]

Last night I dug out one of my older self-help books - "Are You The One For Me" by Barbara DeAngelis. Tacky title but it contained some insightful stuff. "Fatal Flaw" #7: Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable." An exerpt:

 

I could write an entire book on this Fatal Flaw, defining what it means, how to spot it, and what causes it. All you really need to know is: STAY AWAY FROM PARTNERS WHO ARE EMOTIONALLY SHUT DOWN! There are so many people in the world eager to love you and receive your love in return. Who choose someone who has a hard time opening up and spend your time trying to pry open that person's heart? Naturally there are varying degrees of emotional unavailability...But some people aren't ready to have a relationship because they're too emotionally blocked. They need to do some serious healing before they are capable of giving and receiving love.

 

Some warning signs to watch for in spotting an emotionally unavailable partner:

 

1. Your partner cannot show emotions.

 

"I know John is a very sensitive person inside -- it's just hard for him to show any feelings because he's been so hurt in the past."

 

What's the point of being in a relationship with someone if he can't show you how he feels? Why not just be alone? The very definition of relationship means interaction between two people, not one person trying ot interact and the other doing nothing. If your partner can't share his feelings with you, your relationship will be shallow and frustrating. You'll be come a "human can opener," trying to get your partner to open up all the time. THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB - IT'S HIS. You should expect your partner to be capable of demonstrating basic emotions such as happiness, sadness, disappointment, excitement, desire, and love. If he or she can't, they're not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.

 

Remember: There's no such thing as someone who "just isn't an emotional person." We were all emotional infants. Have you ever seen a baby who couldn't express his feelings? There's such a thing as someone who's emotionally damaged from childhood and has lost his ability to feel and show emotions.

 

2. Your partner cannot or will not talk about feelings.

 

"I know Lawrence loves me. He just isn't the kind of person who can talk about feelings."

 

Once again, the purpose of a relationship is not just to keep each other company, but also to relate. That means to share feelings, ideas, and insights with your partner, and in order to do that, you have to speak. Nothing saddens me more than hearing someone say, "My husband can't talk about his feelings." I feel like saying, "Then why do you pretend you're even in a relationship? You're living in the same house, but you aren't relating."

 

3. Your partner can't open up or trust.

 

"Andy says he doesn't want to lose me, but he refuses to let me in emotionally."

 

All of the above, but especially the first one, smacked me between the eyes last night. E is the most emotionally shut down person I've ever known. This was a good reminder/reinforcement of the fact that we couldn't have had a healthy relationship. And I guess it's my 'insurance' if you will that he won't have a healthy R with the hooch, either.

[stlnsmile]

Last night I dug out one of my older self-help books - "Are You The One For Me" by Barbara DeAngelis. Tacky title but it contained some insightful stuff. "Fatal Flaw" #7: Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable." An exerpt:

 

 

 

All of the above, but especially the first one, smacked me between the eyes last night. E is the most emotionally shut down person I've ever known. This was a good reminder/reinforcement of the fact that we couldn't have had a healthy relationship. And I guess it's my 'insurance' if you will that he won't have a healthy R with the hooch, either.

 

Ohhh I could only hope that true in my case. I swear narcissist ex seems to have life all wrapped up and it really pisses me off. I hate it. Why can't his life have cra**y sh** like everyone elses. His life is so darn perfect it makes me want to scream. Nothing ever touches him, I just pray with all that I am that somehow life will touch this guy. And not cause I want his pain either, but because I want him to learn to be human. I just keep thinking he's sooo happy with her, he's so fullfilled, she must be everything that I am not...bla bla bla. I think thats what keeps me stuck. I mean I seriously do not want him back, at the same time, these self esteem attacking thoughts just keep running through my head. Ahhh, its kills me. Please tell me he's going to do the same unbelievably selfish narcissistic emotionally void crap with her...pleaseeeeee! I mean how do I know his not spilling his guts to her, and he just couldn't with me???

[sedgwick]

1. Your inability to stop playing music, ever, for even a day

2. Your inability to bathe, eat, or sleep when necessary

3. Your insistence on being on the road 8 months out of the year no matter what it does to your mental and physical health

4. Your CONSTANT bitching about your bandmate

5. Your lack of knowledge about or appreciation of any art form other than music

6. The fact that you came with me to a dance festival and then left before I danced because you had to go play music

7. The fact that you never invited me to meet your parents even though I invited you to meet mine, and explained it away by saying your mom wouldn't like my tattoos (god forbid you give her a chance to actually speak to me and get past my physical appearance)

8. The way you clammed up and stared at me, expressionless, whenever I tried to bring up anything emotional or talk through any of our issues

9. Your inability to initiate sex or reciprocate all the ridiculous amounts of oral I gave you

10. That you left me. I love you with all my heart.

 

The one thing I would ask you guys, as a person dealing with a legit, diagnosed personality disorder, is that you really consider the meaning of the term "narcissist." Narcissistic personality disorder is a very real and painful thing to those who have it, and to throw the term about loosely, in an armchair-psychiatrist kind of way, makes light of and undermines that. It serves neither you nor your ex-partner to misdiagnose them without really considering the well-established diagnostic criteria.

[sunshinegirl]

The one thing I would ask you guys, as a person dealing with a legit, diagnosed personality disorder, is that you really consider the meaning of the term "narcissist." Narcissistic personality disorder is a very real and painful thing to those who have it, and to throw the term about loosely, in an armchair-psychiatrist kind of way, makes light of and undermines that. It serves neither you nor your ex-partner to misdiagnose them without really considering the well-established diagnostic criteria.

 

I think that's a fair request. I would also note that lots of people can have narcissistic tendencies without having NPD. I dated someone with NPD many years ago. I wouldn't say my current ex has NPD; however, I very much stand by the statement that he is very self-focused, with little regard for others' views and feelings - and IMO it is no stretch to call that narcissistic behavior. Even my counselor pointed out yesterday that the things he said the day we broke up, in tears ("I could be making the biggest mistake of my life" and "I've never let anyone down as much as I'm letting you down today") were all about HIM.

[sunshinegirl]

Can I just say that despite everything, despite all the stuff that makes him a bad partner for me.... I miss him.

 

He's overseas right now but I think will be back next week sometime. My brain started going down this path of "maybe things have already gone south with the hooch and maybe he'll get in touch with me soon". Ohdeargodno, don't let my thoughts go there!

 

I remember in my 2005 breakup at one point I got this "premonition" that my ex would be contacting me in the next few months. Um, right. It never happened. Yet the hope of his contact buoyed me and got me through at least a month.

 

I'm afraid of letting contact fantasies take root, but there they are. I think maybe it's my subconscious not wanting him to slip into my past, my history.