10 Things I Don't Miss About You

[sunshinegirl]

It's so easy to think about the things I miss about you - namely, our myriad activities/lifestyle compatibilities and our mad chemistry. But I need to focus on the things I don’t miss, which include (but are not limited to):

 

1. Feeling like a third wheel when your DD was around and thinking you let her get away with too much.
   
2. That persistent sense of distance and lack-of-connection between us.
   
3. Never knowing what you were thinking or feeling.
   
4. Feeling responsible for making conversation...and growing a bit bored.
   
5. Your long silences and awkward short answers if I asked questions requiring any kind of emotional engagement.
   
6. In any given social situation, wondering how you were going to interact with my friends and family.
   
7. Trying to accept your “I hate people” and “people suck/are stupid” cynical attitudes; your lack of empathy.
   
8. Being with someone who doesn’t care about whether there’s deeper meaning in life.
   
9. Your lack of a clear and articulated moral compass in life.**
   
10. Feeling generally unsupported, e.g.: no emotional support after my robberies; not being at the finish line at my half-marathon; no communication whatsoever about status of your divorce proceedings.
    

 

**Which seems to have paved the way for you to cheat on me.

[johan]

Good post.

[kizik]

I'm the opposite of your ex and I still got left.

[inulg]

I'm the opposite of your ex and I still got left.

 

aye!

 

i like your list! i should add some of those to mine!! lol

[sunshinegirl]

I'm the opposite of your ex and I still got left.

 

You and me both, kiz... Why don't you write your own Top 10?

 

Jeez, I have things to add to my list:

 

11. Feeling like the sole "grown up" in the relationship - the only one willing & able to talk about, and the only one apparently even thinking about, the topics adults in a serious relationship should be talking about EVEN THOUGH you gave me every indication you saw us together for the long haul

12. Protecting your daughter more than you did by refusing to sleep over for 6 months

13. Being more generous and thoughtful in gift-giving than you were

14. Not being able to talk about anything spiritual or religious with you

15. Feeling envious of other couples who seemed to share something we didn't have

[Tony T]

You and me both, kiz... Why don't you write your own Top 10?

 

Jeez, I have things to add to my list:

 

11. Feeling like the sole "grown up" in the relationship - the only one willing & able to talk about, and the only one apparently even thinking about, the topics adults in a serious relationship should be talking about EVEN THOUGH you gave me every indication you saw us together for the long haul

12. Protecting your daughter more than you did by refusing to sleep over for 6 months

13. Being more generous and thoughtful in gift-giving than you were

14. Not being able to talk about anything spiritual or religious with you

15. Feeling envious of other couples who seemed to share something we didn't have

 

It appears that you were with an intellectually inferior, immature narcissist. You should be VERY glad this person is out of your life. You can never, ever have a quality relationship with a narcissist and they are basically incurable. Sorry you wasted your time in the first place.

[kizik]

Ten things I want in a partner

 

1. Think I'm handsome

2. Appreciate my talents in music and writing

3. Respectfully disagree with me without getting angry

4. Don't take over all our conversations with your problems

5. Don't think you can solve my problems - respect me enough to let me find my own solutions

6. Don't avoid talking about sex because it "takes the spontaneity away"

7. Don't be so dependent on your parents!

8. Accept me for my imperfections and do no try or desire to change me

9. Have Time for Me!

10. Don't set me up for failure. "Be nice to my friends... you were so rude to my friends tonight!"

[sunshinegirl]

It appears that you were with an intellectually inferior, immature narcissist. You should be VERY glad this person is out of your life. You can never, ever have a quality relationship with a narcissist and they are basically incurable. Sorry you wasted your time in the first place.

 

Tony, thanks so much. I've copied your comment into my journal.

 

It's funny, he "presents" to the world as an accomplished, intelligent (PhD), athletic, attractive guy with a darling daughter and an ex-wife who cheated on him. Apparently I should've talked to his ex-wife before getting involved!

[Lucky555]

WOW that describes the man i was with ! Those exact 10 things!

[Nevermind]

1. Being called stupid every single day.

2. Feeling inadequate in about every situation.

3. Your inability to hold a conversation when a hot girl walks by.

4. Your jealousy of your friend's things and your obsession with money.

5. Non-consentual sex.

6. Hearing that I talk to much and you don't listen anyway.

7. Calling me a bitch, when I talked to other guys.

8. Having to pamper you and not getting anything in return.

9. Your cultural arrogance. The Germans kicked Caesar's arse. Get over it.

10. Your looking down on almost anybody. You couldn't even be happy for your own brother, for crying out loud.

 

Could do a lot more.

 

What a big loss.

[pickingupthepieces]

1. your drinking.. yup that makes #1 .. because along with it goes the worrying that your going to be ok when your drinking..

 

2. your inability to communicate. BIG ONE

 

3. the fact that you STILL have not cut the ambilical cord from your mother.. who still goes to get your mail for you, cleans your house, breaks up with me for you....GROW UP!! could they control you anymore?, they convinced you to buy a house a block away from they ... in a one horse town, where your aunt is their neighbor on one side and your grandma is on the other.

 

4. you have no backbone and have never been able to stand up for yourself.

 

5. How boring you are!! You find it so hard to have an intelligent conversation.. unless of course your drinking and then well.. it's anything but intelligent.

 

6. your family.. who acted like they liked me until.. the END... and having us NOT be invited to family outings while the rest of your family does...

 

7. your snoring... good that drove me nuts.. I would even go sleep on the couch

 

8. you could never tell me the truth ... just what I wanted to hear.. you have NEVER said NO to me...

 

9. did I mention your family????

 

10. didn't appreciate anything I did...

 

 

 

I DO miss our dog though....

[sunshinegirl]

16. Your lack of enthusiasm and excitement - you take everything in at the same level of interest and happiness. I never saw you ecstatic, just as I never saw you angry.

 

17. Doing so many things by myself because you were either out of town or completely uninterested in participating - the Obama campaign work and rally come to mind.

 

18. Your lack of drive and purpose in life: you liked to say you did your research because it could lead to cancer cures...and you could have made tons of money going to a pharma so aren't you a great guy. But I always suspected you do what you do for self-serving reasons, not because you genuinely have any passion for helping your fellow man. After all, you hate people. People are stupid.

[wareagle]

1. Bringing Love, respect, affection, understanding, money, to the table and getting almost nothing in return.

2. Not respecting me or my feelings!

3. Ignoring me when your family was around and that was alot cause we spent the majority of time at your families place!

4. Not understanding how your actions or you non actions hurt me, and never apologizing for that!

5. Being all over the place with your emotions, never being able to make up your mind about anything and changing it every 5 min.

6. Your lying and selfishness, and your ability to turn things around and manipulate me into feeling bad, when you were the one in the wrong!

7. Bailing you out financially because you were so reckless with your finances!

8. All the DRAMA, You were the biggest drama queen EVER!

9. Your inability to carry on an intelligent conversation! And you inability to open up to anyone and let them see the real you that only I seen. Everyone who comes in contact with you see's this innocent, fun loving, always smiling, don't have a care in the world, when deep down you hate yourself so much you won't let anyone in your head, or try to help you!

10. Your inability to argue, in an adult manner! Instead you result to name calling, saying really hurtful things, and when I try to walk away and calm the situation, to think things through without getting mean about it, you followed me around like a lost puppy, even in front of your daughter.

 

Okay I'm gonna add one more thing.

 

You always said that you hated arguing and didn't want to do it in front of your daughter, and when I tried to respect that and walk away to clear my head and give each of us time to think about things, while your daughter was around, you would drag your daughter right along with you while you continued to belittle me and say mean things about me in front of your daughter! You were never concerned about arguing in front of her because you were and always will be the most selfish person I have ever met!!!!!

[kizik]

3. Ignoring me when your family was around and that was alot cause we spent the majority of time at your families place!

4. Not understanding how your actions or you non actions hurt me, and never apologizing for that!

8. All the DRAMA, You were the biggest drama queen EVER!

9. Your inability to open up to anyone and let them see the real you that only I seen. Everyone who comes in contact with you see's this innocent, fun loving, always smiling, don't have a care in the world, when deep down you hate yourself so much you won't let anyone in your head, or try to help you!

 

Thank you for perfectly describing my ex. And that family thing, omg, I thought that was just my ex. Glad to know it's yours too.

[JackhammerGemma]

10 Things I Hate About You:

 

1. The fact that you shut down whenever I try to communicate with you. Great way to have a relationship. Thanks for the openness and willingness to hear me out. Not.

2. I'm just a convenience to you-when you want me to go away you dismiss me; when you want me around you take me out of your pocket. And I am stupid enough to come out of the pocket.

3. You don't care how much you hurt me. If you did you wouldn't keep doing it.

4. You don't care about anyone but yourself. No, really.

5. The fact that I have to initiate sex 90% of the time and that you always give me some bullsh*t answer about why that is.

6. You lie, lie, lie, until your eyes bleed. Sometimes I think you believe your own stories. I've never met someone who told me so many lies.

7. You must not want to change. And every time you say you have, I prove you wrong.

8. How little you care about what's going on in our relationship. I seem to be the only one who does. My bad.

9. I hate that you're an alcoholic, liar, and cheat. Selfish. But most of all....

10. I hate that I am still with you.

[kizik]

I hate that I am still with you.

 

Jeez, sounds like it's time to leave her and salvage what dignity and self-respect you still have.

[wareagle]

Hey Kizik, I told you that yours and mine could be the same person>> Haha to funny!

[sunshinegirl]

19. I won't miss figuring out how to be a stepmother to your daughter; I won't miss the logistical hurdles of creating any holiday traditions with MY family because you will always be juggling schedules with DD's mother, and you will always want your parents to see her when you have her... never mind the multiple times my parents invited you to spend holidays with us, you never could because of DD. I would have spent most of the holidays, for the rest of my life, (a) apart from my own family or (b) without you.

 

20. I don't miss your lack of enthusiasm and engagement with my family. They all felt like you were avoiding them because you NEVER took me up on a single invitation to spend time with them.

[wareagle]

Sunshinegirl, I know what you mean sharing time during holiday's between her family and mine! I was at odds every holiday between spending time with her family or mine, and it usually wound up with me spending time with hers, and forgetting about my family. My family thought she was trying to keep me away from them, and she only showed up to one of my family functions, she always had an excuse to not attend mine. Part of me understood her wanting her daughter to be around her family during holiday's, but we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, so compromising with me when it came to how we divide time between families always ended up in a big ass fight, with her never understanding that I have a family also and want to spend time with them also! Not to mention everytime my brother would come to visit me which was at least a couple times a week, when she was here she would run and hide in the basement until he left never giving herself a chance to get to know him!

 

This put a wedge in between my brother and I, and we didn't speak for over 4 months. Oh did I mention that she didn't like my dog? Yea so I gave her to my brother to make her happy, which in turn made my brother even more upset with me saying that I was putting a member of the family out to make room for her!

 

Wow!! I got a little carried away here lol! I hope that this makes sense?

 

Ps. I got my dog back and my brother and I patched things up!!

[Zapbasket]

Hey SSG--

 

I've not been on LS much lately (errands and goodbyes relating to my upcoming move, and unremitting overtime at work), but I've been following your threads whenever I could.

 

I think it's great that this stuff that you didn't like about E is coming up...and with a vengeance! You sound MUCH better than you did a few weeks ago (not just on this thread, but other threads, as well)--can you tell the difference?

 

Here's the million-dollar question--not just to you, but to anyone on LS who's at that place where they're looking at all the things they hated about being in a relationship with their exes: GIVEN ALL THESE NEGATIVES, WHAT DO YOU THINK MADE YOU STAY? After all, in most cases with people on LS, if their exes hadn't left, they'd still be in the relationship. In your case, Sunshinegirl, from how you wrote on here about the relationship at the time of its demise, you'd still be with E if he hadn't cheated on you.

 

I've been thinking about this question, as well, as I enter a new love adventure. Since some compromise is inevitable and necessary in a healthy relationship, how do you determine what's a healthy, acceptable compromise, and what's not? And how, when you realize that in the past you made the WRONG compromises, do you trust that mechanism in you that chooses which compromises to make, and which to refuse to make? How do you trust your ability to create healthy boundaries that draw the RIGHT partner closer, while sealing out WRONG partners?

[inulg]

Hey SSG--

 

I've not been on LS much lately (errands and goodbyes relating to my upcoming move, and unremitting overtime at work), but I've been following your threads whenever I could.

 

I think it's great that this stuff that you didn't like about E is coming up...and with a vengeance! You sound MUCH better than you did a few weeks ago (not just on this thread, but other threads, as well)--can you tell the difference?

 

Here's the million-dollar question--not just to you, but to anyone on LS who's at that place where they're looking at all the things they hated about being in a relationship with their exes: GIVEN ALL THESE NEGATIVES, WHAT DO YOU THINK MADE YOU STAY? After all, in most cases with people on LS, if their exes hadn't left, they'd still be in the relationship. In your case, Sunshinegirl, from how you wrote on here about the relationship at the time of its demise, you'd still be with E if he hadn't cheated on you.

 

I've been thinking about this question, as well, as I enter a new love adventure. Since some compromise is inevitable and necessary in a healthy relationship, how do you determine what's a healthy, acceptable compromise, and what's not? And how, when you realize that in the past you made the WRONG compromises, do you trust that mechanism in you that chooses which compromises to make, and which to refuse to make? How do you trust your ability to create healthy boundaries that draw the RIGHT partner closer, while sealing out WRONG partners?

 

i have no idea.

 

honestly, i'd have to say that you'd have to gauge the amount of give and take you both were having. i think... but who am i to say? i'm not completely sure of anything right now... lol

[sunshinegirl]

Hey SSG--

 

I've not been on LS much lately (errands and goodbyes relating to my upcoming move, and unremitting overtime at work), but I've been following your threads whenever I could.

 

I think it's great that this stuff that you didn't like about E is coming up...and with a vengeance! You sound MUCH better than you did a few weeks ago (not just on this thread, but other threads, as well)--can you tell the difference?

 

Here's the million-dollar question--not just to you, but to anyone on LS who's at that place where they're looking at all the things they hated about being in a relationship with their exes: GIVEN ALL THESE NEGATIVES, WHAT DO YOU THINK MADE YOU STAY? After all, in most cases with people on LS, if their exes hadn't left, they'd still be in the relationship. In your case, Sunshinegirl, from how you wrote on here about the relationship at the time of its demise, you'd still be with E if he hadn't cheated on you.

 

I've been thinking about this question, as well, as I enter a new love adventure. Since some compromise is inevitable and necessary in a healthy relationship, how do you determine what's a healthy, acceptable compromise, and what's not? And how, when you realize that in the past you made the WRONG compromises, do you trust that mechanism in you that chooses which compromises to make, and which to refuse to make? How do you trust your ability to create healthy boundaries that draw the RIGHT partner closer, while sealing out WRONG partners?

 

Hi GC! It's so good to hear from you. I hope all is well -- when is your big move??

 

I'm glad you're noticing a difference. To be honest, I'm just trying to capture as many of my "good" moments as possible - they're my insurance, my security blanket when the bad moments descend. Which have been often, this weekend, largely because I am sick and therefore not able to stay very busy with friends, exercise, activities.

 

GIVEN ALL THE NEGATIVES, WHAT DO YOU THINK MADE YOU STAY?

 

I think it's a complicated cocktail:

• I'm attracted to narcissistic/unavailable men, likely due to some FOO issues that I'm working on in counseling (Eric was the epitome of unavailable);
  
• Eric was my first sexual partner, and I likely conflated physical intimacy with emotional intimacy;
  
• I loved our lifestyle together and our shared interests: cooking, travel, home renovation, wine...
  

 

Yikes, can you believe it? Those are the only three things that come to mind right now.

[Zapbasket]

i have no idea.

 

honestly, i'd have to say that you'd have to gauge the amount of give and take you both were having. i think... but who am i to say? i'm not completely sure of anything right now... lol

 

Yeah, join the club . It's just so interesting how we see all the cr*p we put up with while in the relationship AFTER it is over (or vice versa, we see only the good things)...and yet many of us--myself, with my now long-time ex, and Sunshinegirl, and others--weren't planning on leaving the relationship! So I guess the question is (one I don't have the answer to): how to use all the new-found "X things I don't miss about you's" to best advantage in the healing process?

[mistie03]

1. The disappearing acts and the lame excuses that followed (usually had to do with a broken of lost cell phone).

 

2. Lack of intimacy.

 

3. Wouldn't discuss anything, would only tell me how things were going to be or he was leaving the relationship.

 

4. Treated me like a sex slave (and it wasn't very good ).

 

5. Nitpicked me constantly.

 

6. His high-strung, high-stress, anxiousness.

 

7. Told me things that didn't add up.

 

8. Only came by when it was convenient which was usually during the day when I was trying to work (I work at home) and then got mad if I didn't immediately drop what I was doing to give him sex.

 

9. Towards the end, was always conveniently busy on weekends, evenings and holidays (that was the final straw that ended it).

 

10. Was extremely cynical about everyone and everything.

[Zapbasket]

Hi GC! It's so good to hear from you. I hope all is well -- when is your big move??

 

I'm glad you're noticing a difference. To be honest, I'm just trying to capture as many of my "good" moments as possible - they're my insurance, my security blanket when the bad moments descend. Which have been often, this weekend, largely because I am sick and therefore not able to stay very busy with friends, exercise, activities.

 

GIVEN ALL THE NEGATIVES, WHAT DO YOU THINK MADE YOU STAY?

 

 

I think it's a complicated cocktail:

• I'm attracted to narcissistic/unavailable men, likely due to some FOO issues that I'm working on in counseling (Eric was the epitome of unavailable);
  
• Eric was my first sexual partner, and I likely conflated physical intimacy with emotional intimacy;
  
• I loved our lifestyle together and our shared interests: cooking, travel, home renovation, wine...
  

Yikes, can you believe it? Those are the only three things that come to mind right now.

 

Sorry you're still sick . Being sick and down is the worst--it speaks much about your emotional strength that you were able to come up with such a positive (for you, if not for ole' E! [insert sinister cackle here]) list while out with a cold.

 

Sorry--what's "FOO"?

 

All your reasons make a lot of sense. Especially the second one--what about E made you feel safe giving up your virginity for him? Did he push you into it or was it an independent decision? Not meaning to be nosy; I just wondered what was behind such an important (on so many levels) decision and what role E. played (or didn't play).

 

Here's another question: what do you think your breaking point would have been in your relationship with E.,if he'd not screwed everything up? You ended your story about the future of your relationship with you being pregnant and feeling trapped, disillusioned, and unspeakably lonely. Can you imagine what you might have done from there? Given the cocktail of frustrations you enumerate in this thread, what concentration of them, metaphorically speaking, would have caused you to end it?

 

I hope you don't feel like I'm "grilling" you--somehow, this kind of exploration works better face to face; I do it all the time with good friends, and they to me, as a way of helping each other clarify our thoughts and feelings. It just seems that maybe for all of us who were "left" by our SOs, the thing we need to work on lies somewhere in our complacency in the situation that only AFTERWARDS we realize was, in many respects, unacceptable.