Author Jazzman Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 I just want to make a quick observation here about your ongoing posts. Is your ex a non-confrontational kind of person? Does she try to drop subtle hints to people about what she wants because she is affraid to deal with the emotional reaction of being direct? Her behavior sounds pretty confused, but I would also classify it as passive aggressive. She stopped responding, probably because she didn't want to continue contact. In her mind, she probably was being as direct as she knows how to be. Instead of stating, "don't contact me any more", she might have just hoped that her actions would be enough to convery the message. I was very direct with my ex when he started the "can't we be friends" theme during our break-up conversation. I told him directly that I want no contact for two weeks. At the end of that period, if I want to talk to him, I will initiate it. I am a direct person. It sounds as if your ex may not be. Go into NC mode. If she calls or texts, ignore it. Unless there is still some practical or logistical reason to remain in contact (she owes you money, she has some of your things at her house that you want back, etc...), there really is no reason to be pushing contact right now. I am, to my surprise, on fairly friendly terms with one of my ex-boyfriends. However, it took over a year of no contact for me to get to a place where I was even willing to contemplate the prospect of being his friend. Initially, we jumped into the friends mode within weeks of the break-up, and there was just too much residual anger and hurt. Now, we can actually have a meaningful conversation. Well here's the thing - she IS a non-confrontational person. But................there have been several times when we've gotten into arguments because I assumed she felt or thought a certain way based on my perception of her actions and what they meant, and she told me explicility, "if I FEEL that way, I'll let you know." Like I said, two weeks after I broke up I asked her, "how will I know that I'm calling you TOO much? How will I know when I'm texting you too much?" She said very plainly and clearly, "I will let you know. Trust me." Exact words. But at the same time, I know she doesn't like confrontation. And besides................i tried NC one time and she initiated contact 2 days later. I haven't heard from her since then (a week ago) but still.............what's the deal? More and more I'm feeling like NC is the best way to go. But I just have a feeling she's going to contact me sometime in the next couple of weeks. Should I ignore her? Will that upset her or will it send her a good, strong message that I'm over you? My mind knows that NC is what's best (for now, at least). Logically and rationally, it makes complete sense, and it makes no sense whatsoever to try to contact her now. But my heart is really calling out for her. I was at work today and saw a girl come in who looked JUST LIKE MY EX, except she was about six inches shorter. But other than that, she was built like her, same complexion, even wore the same kind of clothing she wears. I almost broke down. All I could think about was her. I don't want to go through the pain and agony of stringing along and not being able to move on from a breakup. I've done that before, and I know all too well how bad that hurts. But I feel like there are still some loose ends and questions unanswered.........................maybe it is best that they be left unanswered and that be that. I just have a hard time believing this will be the end of us..............we were so good for each other. She told me all the time when we were together how I satisfied all her needs, how she could tell me anything and everything and be completely herself around me, how she could talk about things and share nerdy/weird interests with me she couldn't share with anyone else, not even her best friend. How could this just fall apart completely? But at the same time, in all honesty I've gotten to a point where I really, truly do understand why she broke up with me. And I know that she is a very strong person emotionally, with an amazing ability to forgive. When I reflect on what I did to her, I realize that had she done that to me, I wouldn't have been so forgiving. I was fortunate that she didn't cut off all contact with me altogether. It's a quality about her that is very admirable IMO. With that being said, I can't blame her for breaking up with me. But that doesn't stop me from wanting her there every night, like before. And she says she's forgiven me, which I believe. But I wish there was some way I could've undone all of this. I hurt her so bad, and I find it difficult to forgive myself. I've been wanting to tell her that for the past few days, but NC means just that.....................NC. I know what's best for me, and I'm sure I'll move on at some point.................but damn it's going to be hard. I love her to death. I really do....................but the worst part about this is knowing that all the love in the world won't bring her back. What goes through the mind of a person who broke up with someone but considers taking them back? Is it because of loneliness? Is it because of extended period of NC that makes them miss what they had and wonder if it's worth a second chance? How will I know that she is completely and utterly out of love with me, with no chance of getting back together? I wouldn't be surprised if the feelings are still there; feelings don't go away overnight. I know the purpose of NC is for the person who was dumped to have the time and space necessary to heal and move on, but does absence make the heart grow fonder, i.e. is there the chance that me not contacting her for an extended period of time will cause her to miss me and seriously reconsider the breakup, despite the hurt that I inflicted on her? She credited me with being remorseful; does that count for anything in the long run? I want my girl back...............
Author Jazzman Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 One more thing guys - i'm considering sending her an email that would read something like this - Hi ________, How are you doing? I hope you're fine. I won't be long, I just wanted to talk to you about something that has been upsetting me over the past week or two. I know that we're friends now and that things are different between us. But over the last couple of weeks, I have gotten mixed messages from you and no longer feel that I know what you're thinking and feeling as it pertains to us. I feel that I'm in the dark, and I have a right to know what is OK and what is not OK. Let me back up - Up until about two weeks ago, we were communicating with each other several times a week, and called each other at least once a week. Then, suddenly for some reason you began to ignore almost all of my calls and text messages. I don't know why, but you just did. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, and reasoned that you were too tired or busy to respond but after about a week, I came to the conclusion that had that been the case, and had you wanted to apologize for it, you would've done so. That led me to believe that you ignored me intentionally, which leads me to believe that you simply did not want to talk or communicate with me. That's perfectly fine................except you never actually told me that. Which might be acceptable, except for the fact that you explicitly told me that should I call or text you too much, you would let me know plainly and clearly. You have not. Two days after I decided to leave you alone since you had been ignoring my attempts to reach you, you texted me randomly. That made me reconsider what I had thought, and that perhaps I was wrong in my idea that you were actively and avidly trying to avoid me. Well, a few days after that, I sent you a text message and you ignored that. So now I'm confused. Is it OK to contact you or not? Do you want some space or not? Do you want us to talk sometime or not? Your actions are confusing me, and quite frankly I don't have the time, energy, or patience to play any guessing games. What I want to know is this - do you want some space? If so I love you and respect you enough to give it to you. If it's still OK for me to communicate with you sometimes, then let me know and stop ignoring my attempts to reach me. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm not trying to be demanding, I just want some clarification. I feel that I deserve that, and there is no reason for me to have guess what you're thinking and feeling. We should be able to discuss things in a civil, and most importantly, clear and concise manner. I'm not accusing you of anything, _______. Let me just make that point clear - I'm not accusing you of playing games with me. But in all honestly, it FEELS like you are. But I give you the benefit of the doubt and trust you enough that you're not doing that. Why you're sending mixed messages, I don't know. But whatever the reason, let me make my main point - If you're going to ignore my calls, text messages, and/or emails, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT call, text, or email me. Period. When you respond to my attempts to reach you, it indicates to me that it's OK to communicate with you. Obviously this can't be an all-the-time, every-day thing but it indiciates that I shouldn't abstain from contacting you. Likewise, when you ignore my attempts to reach you, you're sending an even stronger message that you do not want to communicate me. When you do both in the same week, then you confuse me, and that's what you've done. I am confused. I want clarification as to what is OK and what is not OK. If at any time (starting now) you feel the need for space, and you feel like you want some space and that we should refrain from contacting each other for the time being, LET ME KNOW. Let me explain what I mean by "let me know" - CALL, TEXT, OR E-MAIL ME, and plainly and clearly say something along these lines, "______, I need some space. I think it's best we spend some time apart, and I want us to refrain from contacting each other for now." Do not think that I'm going to pick up on any hints by you ignoring calls or text messages. That is an indirect, but unclear way of telling me something. Do not do that. Please be direct. Be clear. I need to understand what is OK and what is not OK. This will minimize, if not eliminate any future confusion and keep both of us from being upset at each other unnecessarily. So let me repeat my main point - if you do not want to respond to my calls, text messages, or emails, DO NOT call, text, or e-mail me. If you want some space and feel that we should abstain from contact, let me know in a call, text message, or e-mail, and state that in a plain, clear manner that that's what you want. Do not be ambigious. Final thought - I know that you don't have access to a computer 24/7. And I know that you may need some time to respond. Then again, the only thing you may have to say in response is, "OK". Whatever the case is, I don't expect a response from you immediately. But I do expect a response. I will give you two weeks to either respond to this e-mail, or call or text me to let me know why you can't respond and how you feel about what i have wrote. If you don't respond within two weeks without having let me know that you won't be able to respond, I will assume that you read it and have chosen to ignore it, in which case I do not want to hear from you again. If you ignore this e-mail, don't call me, don't text me, don't e-mail me again, ever. Period. *********** What do you guys think? _
kizik Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 No way. Ugh. I didn't read it, and I don't even know you. Chances are she won't read it. There is nothing more unattractive than someone who doesn't get it. You don't get it yet. That's OK, you will. The more you try, the worse it gets. Stop trying. It's over. Accept it. I can't even begin to tell you how many things are WRONG with this email. You're giving her a TIME LIMIT on responding to you? How enticing! You come off as so TOUGH, and that's attractive, right? NO WAY. That will drive her further away and make her HATE you. You're going WAY off the deep end, my friend. You are being very desperate but also trying to be The Man when it is clear that you are not.
Author Jazzman Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 No way. Ugh. I didn't read it, and I don't even know you. Chances are she won't read it. There is nothing more unattractive than someone who doesn't get it. You don't get it yet. That's OK, you will. The more you try, the worse it gets. Stop trying. It's over. Accept it. I can't even begin to tell you how many things are WRONG with this email. You're giving her a TIME LIMIT on responding to you? How enticing! You come off as so TOUGH, and that's attractive, right? NO WAY. That will drive her further away and make her HATE you. You're going WAY off the deep end, my friend. You are being very desperate but also trying to be The Man when it is clear that you are not. Yeah, I decided not to send it. Went to bad last night, woke up, came back and read it and realized it sounds like I'm really overreacting. Talked to my sister last night and she said the same thing. I went to sleep last night feeling pretty good, because I realize that I probably have been overanalyzing and overreacting to a lot of this stuff. She'll contact me when she contacts me. Will I respond? I don't know, I may not. To be honest, I don't know where I fit into her life anymore, if I fit in anywhere at all. I'm starting to get to the point where I just don't care, it's so much to worry about. And life really is a lot easier when you just let things go, and let them take their natural course. Will we ever be close again? If it's meant to be and it happens naturally (i.e. no forced or obligatory contact), then yes. Will we ever be together again? Possibly, but certainly not now, nor anytime in the immediate future, and only if we both go our seperate ways for now, and then return to each other and discover a brand new chemistry and a brand new "spark". That's the only way. So with that being said, I'm letting this sh*t go, for real.....................
AnLandy Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 One more thing guys - i'm considering sending her an email that would read something like this - Hi ________, How are you doing? I hope you're fine. I won't be long, I just wanted to talk to you about something that has been upsetting me over the past week or two. I know that we're friends now and that things are different between us. But over the last couple of weeks, I have gotten mixed messages from you and no longer feel that I know what you're thinking and feeling as it pertains to us. I feel that I'm in the dark, and I have a right to know what is OK and what is not OK. Let me back up - Up until about two weeks ago, we were communicating with each other several times a week, and called each other at least once a week. Then, suddenly for some reason you began to ignore almost all of my calls and text messages. I don't know why, but you just did. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, and reasoned that you were too tired or busy to respond but after about a week, I came to the conclusion that had that been the case, and had you wanted to apologize for it, you would've done so. That led me to believe that you ignored me intentionally, which leads me to believe that you simply did not want to talk or communicate with me. That's perfectly fine................except you never actually told me that. Which might be acceptable, except for the fact that you explicitly told me that should I call or text you too much, you would let me know plainly and clearly. You have not. Two days after I decided to leave you alone since you had been ignoring my attempts to reach you, you texted me randomly. That made me reconsider what I had thought, and that perhaps I was wrong in my idea that you were actively and avidly trying to avoid me. Well, a few days after that, I sent you a text message and you ignored that. So now I'm confused. Is it OK to contact you or not? Do you want some space or not? Do you want us to talk sometime or not? Your actions are confusing me, and quite frankly I don't have the time, energy, or patience to play any guessing games. What I want to know is this - do you want some space? If so I love you and respect you enough to give it to you. If it's still OK for me to communicate with you sometimes, then let me know and stop ignoring my attempts to reach me. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm not trying to be demanding, I just want some clarification. I feel that I deserve that, and there is no reason for me to have guess what you're thinking and feeling. We should be able to discuss things in a civil, and most importantly, clear and concise manner. I'm not accusing you of anything, _______. Let me just make that point clear - I'm not accusing you of playing games with me. But in all honestly, it FEELS like you are. But I give you the benefit of the doubt and trust you enough that you're not doing that. Why you're sending mixed messages, I don't know. But whatever the reason, let me make my main point - If you're going to ignore my calls, text messages, and/or emails, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT call, text, or email me. Period. When you respond to my attempts to reach you, it indicates to me that it's OK to communicate with you. Obviously this can't be an all-the-time, every-day thing but it indiciates that I shouldn't abstain from contacting you. Likewise, when you ignore my attempts to reach you, you're sending an even stronger message that you do not want to communicate me. When you do both in the same week, then you confuse me, and that's what you've done. I am confused. I want clarification as to what is OK and what is not OK. If at any time (starting now) you feel the need for space, and you feel like you want some space and that we should refrain from contacting each other for the time being, LET ME KNOW. Let me explain what I mean by "let me know" - CALL, TEXT, OR E-MAIL ME, and plainly and clearly say something along these lines, "______, I need some space. I think it's best we spend some time apart, and I want us to refrain from contacting each other for now." Do not think that I'm going to pick up on any hints by you ignoring calls or text messages. That is an indirect, but unclear way of telling me something. Do not do that. Please be direct. Be clear. I need to understand what is OK and what is not OK. This will minimize, if not eliminate any future confusion and keep both of us from being upset at each other unnecessarily. So let me repeat my main point - if you do not want to respond to my calls, text messages, or emails, DO NOT call, text, or e-mail me. If you want some space and feel that we should abstain from contact, let me know in a call, text message, or e-mail, and state that in a plain, clear manner that that's what you want. Do not be ambigious. Final thought - I know that you don't have access to a computer 24/7. And I know that you may need some time to respond. Then again, the only thing you may have to say in response is, "OK". Whatever the case is, I don't expect a response from you immediately. But I do expect a response. I will give you two weeks to either respond to this e-mail, or call or text me to let me know why you can't respond and how you feel about what i have wrote. If you don't respond within two weeks without having let me know that you won't be able to respond, I will assume that you read it and have chosen to ignore it, in which case I do not want to hear from you again. If you ignore this e-mail, don't call me, don't text me, don't e-mail me again, ever. Period. *********** What do you guys think? _ I can't speak for anybody else, but if I got an e-mail like this from my ex, I wouldn't respond. The tone is a strange mix of anger at her actions and hope that she might give you a second chance. You're writing as though you were still her boyfriend, not "just a friend". Keep your distance. NC is probably the best option right now.
Author Jazzman Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 I can't speak for anybody else, but if I got an e-mail like this from my ex, I wouldn't respond. The tone is a strange mix of anger at her actions and hope that she might give you a second chance. You're writing as though you were still her boyfriend, not "just a friend". Keep your distance. NC is probably the best option right now. Don't worry, I'm not going to send it. I've come to my senses. I'm not a complete lunatic! But you know......................as far as NC is concerned. I suppose that should really include me not going to her MySpace. As her friend, I love to see her happy, and I hate to see her down. But as her ex-boyfriend, I wish she was a little down and I wish she felt like something was missing (i.e. me). But she's not. She's on top of the world and floating on cloud nine, and apparently over me and not giving me a second thought. Meanwhile, I'm doing OK. I'm moving on, but slowly and much more progress still needs to be done. Had a bad day at work (got sent home for losing my temper) and I feel that I'm on the verge of burnout at work. I honestly don't feel that has anything to do with my ex - I've been working long hours for quite some time now and it's really starting to kill me working 8,10, or even 12 hours with no break and no time to eat, 5-6 days a week. I've been tempted to call her up, but NC means NC. Besides that, even if she were to call me tonight I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable venting to her. I don't want to appear emotionally weak. I don't want her to see me as being any less happy than she is. But at the same time, if we're still friends, I'd like to think that I could vent to her and that she'd be there for me. But at the same time................I'm a man and we're not supposed to need support from any woman, whether they're just a friend, a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend, a wife, a sister, anything, right? That's what society dictates. And considering the fact that she broke up with me and I've already made it clear how upset I am over this situation, the last thing I want to do is appear weak in her eyes. With that being said, perhaps it's a good thing we're not talking to each other. But you know...................every day that we don't talk I feel like I'm losing my best friend. There was no goodbye, no words spoken, nothing to indicate that this would happen. She just stopped listening to me one day. Part of me is becoming calloused and jaded about this whole thing....................I feel like I don't want to talk to her, but only because I'm sick to death of thinking about her and agonizing over her. But the other part of me says, "isn't she still your friend? Doesn't she still mean something to you?" My sister told me last night the best thing I could do for her is just be her friend. That's all she said, "be her friend." She said "when she's ready to talk to you, she'll talk to you." Well, first of all, how can I be her friend if we're not communicating? How can I be her friend if she clearly does not need me or want me? If she needs emotional support, if she needs a shoulder to cry on, she has her girlfriends, and possibly some new guy friends who've become suddenly close. If she wants someone to have fun with, or engage in stimulating conversation with, again she has other people who fulfill those needs. I feel as if i went from being the center of her universe to not even being on her radar, and that sucks because she still means a lot to me. Now I feel like I'm loving someone who doesn't love me back. Second of all, how do I know she'll call me back? Seriously..............they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but on the other hand, I think that with each passing day without me, she's healing and moving on and realizing that she really doesn't need me. The fact that we're 9 hours away from each other really adds to the feeling that I'm out of sight, and out of mind for her. It's good for her, and in many ways it's good for me too.....................but I miss my friend. I have no one else to really hang out with or anything..............I began to neglect my other female friends once she came into the picture. Not on purpose, it's just that there's only so many hours in the day and she really took up all of my time to talk to anyone. But I try to stay positive. In many ways this could be a good thing. School starts in August, and we both need to be very, very focused. My GPA is low and needs a serious boost if I have any chance of graduating with a decent GPA and getting into the grad school of my choice. When school starts I will need to maintain discipline and even if we were still together, we probably still would've had to drift apart anyway simply because school, work, and extracurriculars would've taken up so much time. But I miss my friend, y'all.................... I'm trying to stay as busy and pre-occupied as possible to get my mind off of her, but like I said, I don't have very many friends in town anymore, they're all in school. I don't want to meet a new girl.............if I'm going to spend time and energy on a girl, I want it to be my ex. She knows me, and she still has my heart, although I certainly don't think I have hers anymore. The hardest part about all of this is realizing that she's not grieving for me. Well, I don't think she is. One time I told her that, and she said, "that's not true. I just disguise it better." But that was like 3 or 4 weeks ago. I think she's gotten over me for real now. I miss my friend. I'm trying to stay strong, but I miss my friend. It's that simple. _ I need some help.
backto1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 You can't be friends with her! You love her and being friends would just f*ck you up even more. Stick to the NC, save some dignity and most importantly, give yourself the opportunity to heal and move on. And plus - do you think she'll want you back if you act cool, confident and happy or if you sound like Barney the purple dinosaur?
Author Jazzman Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 You can't be friends with her! You love her and being friends would just f*ck you up even more. Stick to the NC, save some dignity and most importantly, give yourself the opportunity to heal and move on. Then why wasn't that ever said? If she doesn't want to be friends with me, or doesn't feel that we can be friends, why hasn't she just TOLD ME? She broke up with me because I lied to her but now I wonder if she's been truthful with me...................she told me she still wants us to be friends, but treats me like a stranger? BTW............I know that I have to look confident and happy if she even thinks about talking to me on the phone. I realize that. That's why I'm not e-mailing her this, that's what I'm typing this here. Honestly I believe that she's probably been struggling with some of the same feelings at some point over the last few weeks, but I certainly haven't heard anything from her suggesting that, because she probably ran to her girlfriends and told them. I'm sure she'd never let me know if she was missing me for real............... But it'd be nice to hear from her. EDIT: On the flip side, it could be a good thing that I've never gotten an official "word" that she needs some space and that we need to be friends. It could indicate that she has not made a clear-cut decision as to whether or not she still wants me to be in her life or whether she wants me gone for good. That could indicate that part of her still wants me, at least as a friend. If she called and told me, "______, I need some space. We don't need to talk to each other anymore." That would be a definite, resounding, "no". "No, I dont want you in my life." But if she hasn't said anything, maybe she's confused or still debating the manner? My sister suggested that she could be still deciding if she still wants me as a friend or if she wants me cut off altogether. Any hope that this could be true?
backto1 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Unfortunately I don't see much hope for you in this particular relationship. It's hard to dump people and unfortunately most dumpers aren't strong enough to end it in such a clear and decisive manner. I totally understand that you still want to be friends but it doesn't work like that in life. You'd miss her all the time, want more, never heal and never have a shot at meeting other girls because you'd have this one in your life and on your mind. On top of that, it would give her all the benefits of having you there whenever she needs you but not having to put any effort into having a relationship. Eventually you'll give up on the friends thing and move on to the rest of the grieving process. It's a real hard thing but take something from it, learn about yourself and build your own life back up.
Author Jazzman Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Well I just went on facebook, and guess who re-added me onto their friends list.................... She said her phone's been turned off for the past few days. That would explain my attempts to reach her being ignored. I have to admit that really cheered me up to see that she hasn't completely forgotten about me.
Author Jazzman Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 So I feel better because she took the time to contact me online given that her phone's turned off.................but I have reason to believe she's interested in another guy. I want her to be happy and all, and I know my only option at this point is to let her be, let her be with the other guy. I keep remembering what my sister said, "just be her friend." But I can't help but wonder.......................does she still think about me? Does she still have feelings for me, even if they're not quite as strong, even if she buries them in the back of her mind and her heart? How can I tell? Why do girls say "let's just be friends" even after they were the ones to break off a relationship? I know now that she genuinely wants to be friends with me; she's not just saying that just to make me feel better or anything like that. She really does want to stay in contact with me. But why? Does she really foresee us being friends forever, or does she still think about me and the possibility of us being together again at some point in the future? I know I can't think about her forever, and in many ways I have moved on. The only real problem for me is that because I don't have as much of a life here back home as I do when I'm in school, I have more free time and thus a more empty feeling. There's more of a feeling that a void is still there; she has the benefit of being surrounded by her absolute best friends, and like I said, I think she's interested in another guy now. But I don't know for sure. I know I need to just let her be, and let whatever happens happens. But looking at her pictures again has gotten me excited all over again. When I look at them, I still see that same special glow that attracted me to her before...................we haven't talked on the phone in a few weeks but I imagine if we were on the phone now and I heard her voice I'd get horny again (she has a really sexy voice). When I look at her pictures and I see her gorgeous eyes and beautiful smile looking into the camera, I just imagine a time when she looked at me that way, looked at me in a way that let me know, without saying a word, that she loved me. And that felt like the highest honor in my eyes................to be the object of affection of such a beautfiul, intelligent, amazing girl. Looking at her pictures remind me of the nights we spent together, how she would climb on top of me and kiss me aggressively, passionately............I could say nothing, she literally took my breath away. I remember how she would kiss, lick, and suck on my neck, my face, my lips, my tongue, my ears.....................I remember how when she sucked on my neck, it would hurt, but damn it would hurt so good. I winced away in pain every time she did it, but tried my best to beg for more.........only I couldn't, because she had taken my breath away, and i couldn't speak no matter how much I wanted to. I remember her beautiful, bronze complexion, and how the morning light shone against her pretty face.................how I'd always wake up before her, and while she was still asleep, kiss her gently on her face and on her neck. I remember how sometimes she'd stay asleep, other times she would awaken but never open her eyes. She'd just say, "mmmmmm.............", and would chuckle a little, just enough to let me know that she liked what I was doing, and to keep going. And I would - without her moving an inch, I'd kiss her neck, her back.................I'd lick and suck on her ears..............I would stop, just to leave her hanging and wanting more. Sometimes she'd go back to sleep with a huge smile on her face............other times she'd wake up, freshen up, and come back to bed............I remember how when she came back, I always found myself staring at her thick, voluptious thighs, her curvaceous body, her massive breasts.........and when she came back, she'd lie up in the bed, look at me and smile.............then she'd wrap her thigh around my body and pull me in, pull me in close enough so that I enjoy the sexy, sweet, and all-natural aroma of her soft skin. She'd pull me in and kiss me. I felt like I was being kissed by a goddess................and I was just a mere human being lucky enough to attract her attention and be the object of her desires, every man would envy me and what she gave me...............she had taken me hostage, my mind, body, and soul............and I was more than willing. I was completely under her spell, and never wanted her to let go. Yeah, you could say I miss her.
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I hope you understand, as real and heartfelt as the preceding reads, that there's a world of women out there like that. In time, you will discover them
Author Jazzman Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 I hope you understand, as real and heartfelt as the preceding reads, that there's a world of women out there like that. In time, you will discover them Yeah I know, but she's just amazing to me..................she's sexy, she's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's strong, and I have all of the love, respect, and admiration in the world for her. This break-up has only reinforced those feelings, because I realize that had she not had her capacity for forgiveness, she would never contact me again. After all I've put her through, I'm fortunate she hasn't changed numbers on me and put a restraining order out on me, even from 500 miles away But no seriously...............I love her very much. I've only recently (i.e. within the past week or so) understood why she broke up with me................and I can't say that I blame her. I really, truly understand................they say that's one of the first steps to getting over your ex, understanding and accepting why they broke up with you in the first place. Well, in the first couple of weeks I admit that my judgement and my thinking were clouded by emotions, but now I can think much more clearly. But I've never gotten to tell her that - last time we talked about that subject, we agreed to disagree because I simply could not understand why she wouldn't give me a second chance, and I really thought that she was blowing things out of proportion. Hard to believe, yes but once again, my emotions were clouding my judgement. I don't know why, but I just feel the end to go back and tell her that I understand where she was coming from now. It's like I have to lie up the loose ends or something. I would say it's for the sake of closure, but that doesn't really make sense - 1) our relationship is already long gone and through, and 2) we haven't "closed" contact with each other, we're still friends............ What do you guys think? Should I send her an e-mail or something telling her that I finally understand? There are no ulterior motives here - I know it may sound like the kind of thing a guy might say in hopes of getting back with his girl, but in all seriousness it's not. Yes it would be great to have her back but that's not why I would send it. I just want her to know that I finally get it, and that we don't have to "agree to disagree" anymore. I've learned from all of this. On the other hand, what little conversation we have had lately has been light, and I kind of have the feeling that she's not ready or willing to talk about something so heavy, which is perfectly understandable. Sometimes I get tired of thinking so much about getting her back and I just want her to share a laugh with me, you know? I honestly believe one of the main reasons she hasn't come back yet is that she doesn't want to risk being hurt again, at least not yet. She may feel that it's too much to bear, too soon. That's my personal theory, at least..........
miss_28 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 What do you guys think? Should I send her an e-mail or something telling her that I finally understand? There are no ulterior motives here - I know it may sound like the kind of thing a guy might say in hopes of getting back with his girl, but in all seriousness it's not. Yes it would be great to have her back but that's not why I would send it. I just want her to know that I finally get it, and that we don't have to "agree to disagree" anymore. I've learned from all of this. I've been reading your thread tonight, and i feel for you man, i really do. Listen, you really don't have to send anything to her... actually if you do, you'll not only seem needy but you'll kill the friendship. Trust me... keep your dignity, this feeling will eventually pass. Short of having committed some terrible sin, you have nothing to apologize for or explain... you learned from all this, so in the future you can apply it right? There is no proof that if you had acted differently the result wouldn't have been the same... don't torture yourself! Anyways, I'm sure there are things she did also that weren't perfect... is she going to apologize? no - because she's not thinking that way. Also, you assume you finally understand why she left you... but even if you are right, it is still an assumption. Just let things be... let the waters be still and try to focus on other things. I can tell you from experience that its annoying when an ex keeps harping on the same topic with me over and over, either to "prove" something to me or to convince me of something that isn't there... and the ones that leave things alone actually are the ones that have stayed in my mind as "what-if guys"... Don't be the ex that does the "hard-sell" approach... don't do that to yourself. step away from the friendship until the friendship comes back to you. I have a final thing to add here. I'm a former kick-boxer, and I remember my coach telling me once, _____, never go into a fight from a position of weakness, either mental or physical. And this applies to life as well... do not try to unnecessarily face a situation like this from a weakened state - take the necessary time to heal and move on before even thinking of being friends with someone who hurt you (intentionally or not). Breakups weaken us at first (if we were crazy about the other person, naturally). It is a loss. They weaken us emotionally and physically. If you try to rush a broken bone so you can fight you may end up not only losing, but also injuring yourself even more. If you aren't psychologically sure about how your fight will go, odds are you are going to lose. If you try to rush your healing, you're going wind up more hurt than before - that's just the way it works. Fortunately whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger... so just hang in there. That's what i tell myself, and it helps...
Author Jazzman Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 I've been reading your thread tonight, and i feel for you man, i really do. Listen, you really don't have to send anything to her... actually if you do, you'll not only seem needy but you'll kill the friendship. Trust me... keep your dignity, this feeling will eventually pass. Short of having committed some terrible sin, you have nothing to apologize for or explain... you learned from all this, so in the future you can apply it right? There is no proof that if you had acted differently the result wouldn't have been the same... don't torture yourself! Anyways, I'm sure there are things she did also that weren't perfect... is she going to apologize? no - because she's not thinking that way. Also, you assume you finally understand why she left you... but even if you are right, it is still an assumption. Just let things be... let the waters be still and try to focus on other things. I can tell you from experience that its annoying when an ex keeps harping on the same topic with me over and over, either to "prove" something to me or to convince me of something that isn't there... and the ones that leave things alone actually are the ones that have stayed in my mind as "what-if guys"... Don't be the ex that does the "hard-sell" approach... don't do that to yourself. step away from the friendship until the friendship comes back to you. I have a final thing to add here. I'm a former kick-boxer, and I remember my coach telling me once, _____, never go into a fight from a position of weakness, either mental or physical. And this applies to life as well... do not try to unnecessarily face a situation like this from a weakened state - take the necessary time to heal and move on before even thinking of being friends with someone who hurt you (intentionally or not). Breakups weaken us at first (if we were crazy about the other person, naturally). It is a loss. They weaken us emotionally and physically. If you try to rush a broken bone so you can fight you may end up not only losing, but also injuring yourself even more. If you aren't psychologically sure about how your fight will go, odds are you are going to lose. If you try to rush your healing, you're going wind up more hurt than before - that's just the way it works. Fortunately whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger... so just hang in there. That's what i tell myself, and it helps... Well first of all what I did was pretty serious - I lied to her, on several occasions. And these weren't just little white lies (well, most of them were). One lie was quite elaborate, and I had told her this over and over again, and it sounded very believable. But I told her about that back in March. The second lie was serious simply because it was the second lie, I'm sure had this been the first lie I've told she wouldn't have broken up with me. I simply hurt her too many times and broke her trust, and I can't tell you how sorry I feel about that. After we broke up, she said it helps "just a little" to know that I "seem remorseful". It didn't seem to count for too much IMO................. If you've read this entire thread, then you know this relationship was long-distance.................how can I prove to her that I'm a better man and I'm really doing better from 500 miles away, other than calling her up on the phone and telling her? I've been thinking over the past couple of days that I really should just leave it alone and let it be............but you get so much advice, good and bad, from everywhere. From friends, the Internet, etc. I've read a lot of stuff on the Internet and it convinces you that you have to do SOMETHING, and that you have to implement a "plan of action" in order to get your ex-girlfriend back. Now I'm no psychologist or "love coach", but this does not sound right to me. Adopting a plan sounds like you're trying to force and/or manipulate something that cannot and should not be forced or manipulated in any way. If she ever comes back to me, I want her to do so on her own accord. Even if I knew some secret mind trick to get her to fall back in love with me and take me back, I would not use it, because it would mean her love was not authentic. It has to be real, she has to really, truly want to take me back. I think leaving her alone and giving her space (even if she has not indicated that that's what she wants) is a good thing to do....................but I'm also worried that if I stay away too long she'll forget about me and learn to live without me, and won't feel the need or the desire to have her in my life anymore.................. Nonetheless, I feel that the best thing I can do is just leave it alone as much as possible. Besides, constantly worrying about what she's doing, where she's been, who she's with, etc. is stressing me out. If I think about it too long, I lose my appetite and I don't perform well at work. I work in the service industry so it's of the utmost importance that I have a positive, cheerful attitude when I'm at work but that's nearly impossible with this girl on my mind. I'm tired of being stressed out over this. I love her to death, I really do but I feel the need to let go. Not let go of her, but let go of the constant worrying over our future. Now I'll admit, for the first three weeks or so of the breakup, I didn't "leave" her alone..............i couldn't go more than two days without at least texting her. But then again, she actually responded to calls/text messages then..............about three weeks after the breakup she started ignoring me, and then for the past two weeks I"ve been letting her initiate all of the contact. She added me back on facebook the other day and sent me a message talking about what she's been doing, asking how have I been, and told me to contact her there because her phone's not working. I responded but I certainly won't be sending her any more messages even though that sounded like an open invitation to do so. I'm not sure exactly why she does that - pulling me close and then pushing me away? Any insight into that? In any case.................I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I look forward to the day when we sit down and have a good conversation again, but it may be awhile. It may be this week, it may not happen until it's cold outside again. Who knows? On top of all of this, I have reason to believe (but am not 100% sure) that she's interested in, involved with, and/or dating another guy. I'm about 90% convinced that this is nothing to worry about - after all, a girl can't break up with someone, forget about him, and fall in love with another guy in just six weeks, right? Especially if she still cares about me (which I know she still does). Besides, this guy's probably just a rebound, or at the very least, she's probably just playing the field, comparing him to me, right? No big deal, not like she's found her soulmate, right? I'd love to hear your response and any insight into this (I said in the beginning that I would really value and appreciate female perspectives on this).
miss_28 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 hon... there is just no way of knowing what's in her head... none... there is no formula to describe exactly what a girl is thinking or not. Honestly, the fact that its long distant just presents another hurdle on top of the fact that she has trust issues with you... when too many hurdles present themselves in a relationship, especially early on, the odds of the relationship surviving is super slim. This is not your shortcoming... if anything, this is usually the shortcoming of the other person. It all boils down to timing... two people can be right for each other, but if the timing isn't there, then it isn't there. It just means you have to be strong enough to let it go and see what happens from there. For all you know, the love of your life may walk up to you tomorrow, but because the timing isn't right you may miss it. You just have to learn to be zen with letting it be. And its funny to see myself writing this, because I myself hate not having control over my life... so I'm aware that what I'm writing is easier said than done. To answer your other question... personally, I don't believe you can be in love with someone without knowing them for a long time... truly know them, but i do believe you can be infatuated with them. Don't focus on them... for all you know, she may just be playing the field. Knowing anything about her right now will only hurt you... i'm serious. even knowing that she was able to eat today will make you feel bad because how dare she feel fine enough to eat while you're in this misery. I found out that my ex went to the movies with his guy friends 6 weeks after we broke up and I felt like crap. Why? because I don't want to know that he's moving on, even though i am. You are in no position to be knowing what she's up to... it's like getting kicked when you're down. Besides, you already know that you want her to come back on her own, not because of something you said. Use that as a focusing point. Do the NC thing... it works for those who want to get better. At first you'll do it to get them to think about you... but the real benefit of NC is that you'll do better and make better decisions. You do not know what the future will hold, so don't tie yourself to a sinking ship when you can swim to shore to recuperate.
Author Jazzman Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 hon... there is just no way of knowing what's in her head... none... there is no formula to describe exactly what a girl is thinking or not. Honestly, the fact that its long distant just presents another hurdle on top of the fact that she has trust issues with you... when too many hurdles present themselves in a relationship, especially early on, the odds of the relationship surviving is super slim. This is not your shortcoming... if anything, this is usually the shortcoming of the other person. It all boils down to timing... two people can be right for each other, but if the timing isn't there, then it isn't there. It just means you have to be strong enough to let it go and see what happens from there. For all you know, the love of your life may walk up to you tomorrow, but because the timing isn't right you may miss it. You just have to learn to be zen with letting it be. And its funny to see myself writing this, because I myself hate not having control over my life... so I'm aware that what I'm writing is easier said than done. To answer your other question... personally, I don't believe you can be in love with someone without knowing them for a long time... truly know them, but i do believe you can be infatuated with them. Don't focus on them... for all you know, she may just be playing the field. Knowing anything about her right now will only hurt you... i'm serious. even knowing that she was able to eat today will make you feel bad because how dare she feel fine enough to eat while you're in this misery. I found out that my ex went to the movies with his guy friends 6 weeks after we broke up and I felt like crap. Why? because I don't want to know that he's moving on, even though i am. You are in no position to be knowing what she's up to... it's like getting kicked when you're down. Besides, you already know that you want her to come back on her own, not because of something you said. Use that as a focusing point. Do the NC thing... it works for those who want to get better. At first you'll do it to get them to think about you... but the real benefit of NC is that you'll do better and make better decisions. You do not know what the future will hold, so don't tie yourself to a sinking ship when you can swim to shore to recuperate. Yeah, but she contacts me. She looked ME up on facebook, she sent ME a message. For the past couple of weeks, every time I tell myself I'm going to ignore her and move on, she initiates contact. But that's confusing as hell because when I initiate contact, I get ignored. Tonight once again on her MySpace she posted up something about wanting the other guy (from what I've been able to gather, she's getting involved with a guy who's either still in a relationship or is recently broken up, either way it goes can't wait to see that sh*t blow up in her face). In any case..................it hit me tonight how silly it would be to continue to worry about her. My dad's hurt and has difficulty walking, and as a result works less and less hours. I'm going to have to contribute more and more, which means that it's imperative that I keep my job and continue to make money and stay focused doing that. A bad attitude with my job means that I don't make very much money (service industry). Plus I have an internship this summer that I have to do well in so that in about 2-4 years, I can have a job paying AT LEAST $40,000/year, with two years paid vacation and full benefits and health insurance (in other words, a GOOD job, one that can help support my family as well as myself). My mother is now out of a job and has been for two months now...........my sister has a job but it pays so little she has money to buy gas to get to and from that job, and little else...........another close relative of mine is very sick and is close to death (she has full-blown AIDS) and requires attention from anyone willing to help her just so she can function and do little things, like enjoy a hot meal (she lives alone). My dad used to be the main one to help her but can no longer do so because he's so hurt himself, so I pick up the slack. Worst part is, he doesn't know what causes the intense pain. Several different doctors have given him different opinions and have prescribed different medicines, none of which do much to ease his pain. I have way too many other things on my plate right now to be worried about my ex-girlfriend's silly games. The worst part about it is, times are like these are when I need a friend like her the most, but she's not available. Not because her phone's turned off, but because I sincerely believe even if I could call/text her, I would be ignored. Yet it's OK for her to initiate contact with me? Screw her..................some friend she's turned out to be.
Author Jazzman Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Well apparently something last night or this morning...............and whatever she had going on with this guy did not work out. She's posted on myspace and facebook how she deserves love too, and how crushed she is. I thought at first I should send her a simple message asking her if she's OK but then again.....................if she wants to contact me she will. And I realize that right now she probably just wants to be away from guys period, and doesn't need me in the picture to complicate things. I know what I posted last night, but honestly I feel bad for her. I want to be there for her, but I don't feel comfortable contacting her, because of how funny she's been acting over the past few weeks. Isn't that a shame, I don't feel comfortable being a friend to her. Hopefully things'll change..................who knows how things'll turn out now. I truly hope for the best for her though, despite my grievances with her............
justaman99 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Why can't you tell us what the lies were? Why all the "well there was a big one and a sorta small one" crap? Tell us what you did and be honest if you want an honest response. -Just
Author Jazzman Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Well she called me last night, talked for the first time in three weeks..........she sounded depressed. I know why, but I didn't press her to tell me..............I know it was that other dude. She doesn't know that I know about him. I want to be honest, so part of me wants to just come out and tell her, "hey I already know about him, because I went to your MySpace every day." But that definitely sounds like stalking, and it just seems like the kind of thing best kept to myself. But I want to be honest............ In any case, she's been messaging me a lot over the past couple of days, just little short, light-hearted stuff............I just don't think she's ready to pour her heart out to me right now, she wants to keep conversations between us nice and light-hearted, which is perfectly fine. I want us to ease back into a friendship, and just go from there. It will be nice to get re-acquianted with her. I can't wait till the next time we talk...............she was about to go to bed last night when she called me, so we only talked for about 45 minutes.............but it felt good. I want more now......................we're both busy as hell but I'd love to be on the phone with her for a couple of hours, and just talk about everything..............and fall in love with her all over again. Or am I just dreaming, is this just a fantasy................? Why can't you tell us what the lies were? Why all the "well there was a big one and a sorta small one" crap? Tell us what you did and be honest if you want an honest response. -Just For the same reason I won't reveal my real name or my hometown - none of your business, and irrelevant to the discussion. Seriously, this IS a public forum.
kizik Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I won't reveal my real name or my hometown - none of your business, and irrelevant to the discussion. Seriously, this IS a public forum. Yeah whatever. Keep living your fantasy, keep being the only poster to your thread, keep writing page long posts than no one cares about but you, keep not listening to anyone, keep denying vital info to the discussion. None of your business? Buddy you made it our business when you came to the site. Who the hell wants to talk to a brat like you.
sid3 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Yeah it's a fantasy, and I think your dreaming. Sounds like your the fall back guy. You've already provided all the details needed to see what is taking place, things not working out with the other guy. That pretty much sums it up. Your her emotional tampon. Welcome to the friendzone. Self worth is determined when there is another person in the picture and yet you still stick around professing your love. Who knows, maybe your the one in a million where it works out after there's been someone else in the cookie jar. It's dainted, why would you still want it. Your post should be titled, what am I thinking.
justaman99 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Why can't you tell us what the lies were? Why all the "well there was a big one and a sorta small one" crap? Tell us what you did and be honest if you want an honest response. -Just For the same reason I won't reveal my real name or my hometown - none of your business, and irrelevant to the discussion. Seriously, this IS a public forum. Telling us what you lied about is far different than revealing your name or hometown. Your lies are about as relevant to your situation as oxygen is to life. You came here for help and now I can see why she left you. Best of luck with that attitude and ignorance. Sounds to me like she got away just in time. I hope she keeps away. God, some people....
hellosunshine Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 hate to say it, but my first hunch is that she's seeing some one else. Or at least back out on the scene. Rebounding can be almost too easy for women (especially good looking ones). Once she has a few other suitors, it's easier to be careless, less foused with her past relationship. I'd suggest you'd stop calling for awhile, so she can realize what she's missing. If she doesn't contact you then she's defnitely ready to move on, and it's the best for both of you to stop clinging. It doesn't mean she doesn't miss you, but if you're broken up & long distance too, what other direction is there to go but apart? I'll try to make this short. I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 months about four weeks ago. We were in a long distance relationship (she's a 9 hour drive away) and were the best of friends before then; and I admit the breakup was not smooth at all. I'm ashamed to admit this but I even contemplated suicide the night we broke up. Yes we were only together for two months but I've never been closer to anyone before. Despite this, we maintained contact for about 2-3 weeks post-breakup. We called each other about once or twice a week, and texted each other almost every day. She said she still wanted to be friends, and I felt that she meant it since the lines of communication remained open. But about two weeks ago, she suddenly stopped contacting me. I called her and texted her, and she ignored almost all of my attempts to reach her. The last time I was on the phone with her, I asked her to call me sometime and she sounded pretty annoyed and pissed. About five days later, it finally dawned on me that she really does not want to talk to me, at least not for now. So I decided to do no contact. Well, two days later I get a random text from her, telling me to watch some show on TV. I texted her back and she seemed happy, but I texted her again five days later (two days ago) and she ignored that message as well. Since she started ignoring most of my calls/texts she hasn't actually told me to back off or that she needs some space. The thing about that is that I asked her right after we broke up how would I know that I was contacting her too much, how would I know that i was bothering her? She said that she would let me know. She said it with conviction, in a way that made me feel assured that should I overstep my boundaries, she would clearly let me know. Well judging by her actions (most of them anyway) I've crossed some line, and she just doesn't want to talk to me. But she's never actually TOLD me that, even though she plainly and clearly said that she would. Plus she contacted me 2 days after I began NC. I'm confused - is it OK for me to call/text her or not? Are we friends or not? In either case, i'd like to know for clarification's sake - but she hasn't acknowledged hardly any attempt by me to reach her. BTW...............NC has been beneficial to me.............it's allowed me to clear my head and focus on more important things going on for me, like my job and my internship. But at the same time, I miss her LIKE CRAZY. She's my best friend. I've had a lot of really good things happen to me over the past couple of weeks and I'd love to share them with her, but she seems like she doesn't want to contact me. Or does she? I decided for myself that NC (at least until the next time she initiates it) is probably the best way to go for me, but at the same time, I'm not clear that that's what she wants, and I'd hate to piss her off and mess up when I could've avoided all of that. Her birthday's coming up in three weeks and I'm seriously thinking about ignoring her then, but what if that's not a good idea? I was going to get her a gift, I'm sure I won't do that now. I was going to send her a card, but then I thought to myself, "what if I never get a 'thank you'? If I take the time to send her a card and I never so much as get a text message from her saying "thank you" I'd be pissed and even more hurt. So it makes sense to me to not even send her a card. But what if I'm wrong about all of this and 3 weeks from now she's angry that I didn't send her anything or wish her a happy birthday, and i'm once again confused? Since she won't tell me what she's thinking, I'm hoping I can get some insight as to what she's thinking. I'd really prefer female insight into this, although it'd be nice to hear from guys as well.
Recommended Posts