Jazzman Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I'll try to make this short. I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 months about four weeks ago. We were in a long distance relationship (she's a 9 hour drive away) and were the best of friends before then; and I admit the breakup was not smooth at all. I'm ashamed to admit this but I even contemplated suicide the night we broke up. Yes we were only together for two months but I've never been closer to anyone before. Despite this, we maintained contact for about 2-3 weeks post-breakup. We called each other about once or twice a week, and texted each other almost every day. She said she still wanted to be friends, and I felt that she meant it since the lines of communication remained open. But about two weeks ago, she suddenly stopped contacting me. I called her and texted her, and she ignored almost all of my attempts to reach her. The last time I was on the phone with her, I asked her to call me sometime and she sounded pretty annoyed and pissed. About five days later, it finally dawned on me that she really does not want to talk to me, at least not for now. So I decided to do no contact. Well, two days later I get a random text from her, telling me to watch some show on TV. I texted her back and she seemed happy, but I texted her again five days later (two days ago) and she ignored that message as well. Since she started ignoring most of my calls/texts she hasn't actually told me to back off or that she needs some space. The thing about that is that I asked her right after we broke up how would I know that I was contacting her too much, how would I know that i was bothering her? She said that she would let me know. She said it with conviction, in a way that made me feel assured that should I overstep my boundaries, she would clearly let me know. Well judging by her actions (most of them anyway) I've crossed some line, and she just doesn't want to talk to me. But she's never actually TOLD me that, even though she plainly and clearly said that she would. Plus she contacted me 2 days after I began NC. I'm confused - is it OK for me to call/text her or not? Are we friends or not? In either case, i'd like to know for clarification's sake - but she hasn't acknowledged hardly any attempt by me to reach her. BTW...............NC has been beneficial to me.............it's allowed me to clear my head and focus on more important things going on for me, like my job and my internship. But at the same time, I miss her LIKE CRAZY. She's my best friend. I've had a lot of really good things happen to me over the past couple of weeks and I'd love to share them with her, but she seems like she doesn't want to contact me. Or does she? I decided for myself that NC (at least until the next time she initiates it) is probably the best way to go for me, but at the same time, I'm not clear that that's what she wants, and I'd hate to piss her off and mess up when I could've avoided all of that. Her birthday's coming up in three weeks and I'm seriously thinking about ignoring her then, but what if that's not a good idea? I was going to get her a gift, I'm sure I won't do that now. I was going to send her a card, but then I thought to myself, "what if I never get a 'thank you'? If I take the time to send her a card and I never so much as get a text message from her saying "thank you" I'd be pissed and even more hurt. So it makes sense to me to not even send her a card. But what if I'm wrong about all of this and 3 weeks from now she's angry that I didn't send her anything or wish her a happy birthday, and i'm once again confused? Since she won't tell me what she's thinking, I'm hoping I can get some insight as to what she's thinking. I'd really prefer female insight into this, although it'd be nice to hear from guys as well.
kizik Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I'd hate to piss her off and mess up when I could've avoided all of that. This right here says a lot to me. You're dealing with someone you're worried about angering. Never a good sign or a good relationship. When we're worried about pissing off somebody, whether it's an abusive stepfather or a boss or an ex, it means that that person is not treating us well. Things are pretty simple: you called, she ignored, but then still sends little texts like "Watch this show." It's ridiculous. If someone wants to talk to us (once again, whether it's a friend, parent or lover) they will answer our calls and call us. They will be available. She is unavailable, but you're still "in love" with her and you don't want to accept the fact that she's out of love and getting over you. The best thing for you to do is to stop playing her games. Completely cut contact. Don't get sucked into everything being on her time. She sounds really immature and really selfish. There's no big mystery here. People in denial and/or love want to make excuses for why their ex is not treating them well. If you don't feel loved, chances are 99% that you are not. As far as her birthday, send her a quick text saying "Wanted to wish you a happy birthday." Don't expect a response and don't get hurt if she doesn't. Really understand that she is treating you like sh*t since this breakup and probably before. It's not OK. You deserve a lot better but you won't get better until you realize you're totally being played like a goddamn fiddle. And as far as "friends," completely eliminate that concept from your brain. When people try to be friends after lovers, it only causes a lot of pain. No. You will not be her friend, not for a few years if ever. Bad idea.
Author Jazzman Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 This right here says a lot to me. You're dealing with someone you're worried about angering. Never a good sign or a good relationship. When we're worried about pissing off somebody, whether it's an abusive stepfather or a boss or an ex, it means that that person is not treating us well. Things are pretty simple: you called, she ignored, but then still sends little texts like "Watch this show." It's ridiculous. If someone wants to talk to us (once again, whether it's a friend, parent or lover) they will answer our calls and call us. They will be available. She is unavailable, but you're still "in love" with her and you don't want to accept the fact that she's out of love and getting over you. The best thing for you to do is to stop playing her games. Completely cut contact. Don't get sucked into everything being on her time. She sounds really immature and really selfish. There's no big mystery here. People in denial and/or love want to make excuses for why their ex is not treating them well. If you don't feel loved, chances are 99% that you are not. As far as her birthday, send her a quick text saying "Wanted to wish you a happy birthday." Don't expect a response and don't get hurt if she doesn't. Really understand that she is treating you like sh*t since this breakup and probably before. It's not OK. You deserve a lot better but you won't get better until you realize you're totally being played like a goddamn fiddle. And as far as "friends," completely eliminate that concept from your brain. When people try to be friends after lovers, it only causes a lot of pain. No. You will not be her friend, not for a few years if ever. Bad idea. I'm worried about angering her because I still value her feelings and our friendship, until I have good, solid reasons to not do so. I don't have that. I have confusion and mixed messages, but no clear-cut reasons why I should just say f*ck her and completely disregard her and her feelings. I agree with you that it seems like she's playing games with me. I've been tempted to call her up and give her a piece of my mind, but then I wondered - why bother? I don't want to argue with her anymore - I've done enough of this. What I want is for us to enjoy laughs and good times and good conversation like we did a few weeks ago - AFTER we broke up. The hardest part about all of this is that I can't believe she would do that to me, because I KNOW she cares about me. Even if she's screwing some guy right now as we speak I know she hasn't forgotten about me. She couldn't have. She told me two weeks after we broke up that she missed me and cried thinking about her things used to be. I have reason to believe she's with another guy now, or at least she's involved in some way, which is fine. I figure he's just a rebound. She's made the point clear that she misses me. I really have a hard time believing that she would hurt me like that intentionally. Still, it'd be really nice to hear from her and sort this mess out. Honestly, I just want to know. Do I still miss her? Yeah but at the same time if she needs some space I can give that to her. I just need to know that, instead of having to figure sh*t out. Her actions are not matching her words. And for the record, no she did not treat me like sh*t while we together. She was the best girlfriend I've ever had. This is the worst she's ever done to me, and even this could turn out to be minor. I say "could turn out to be" because I haven't heard her side of the story. I understand the need to be realistic and not to get your hopes up too much in a situation like this, but at the same time I feel that your assessment is overly pessimistic and harsh. I admit that I give her the benefit of the doubt even though evidence is clearly stacked against her. But I have to wonder - what's the point? She's really not the immature/playing games type. She's really not. I hope you're wrong because I'd hate to think that I trust her too much.
kizik Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I feel that your assessment is overly pessimistic and harsh. ... I'd hate to think that I trust her too much. This is an interesting point, and one I've been tossing around: how much of my own situation do I drag into my advice? I just call em like I see em, though. The part that sticks with me the most about your story is that she's ignoring/avoiding you. There really aren't a whole lot of excuses for that. When someone matters to us, we make them a priority. When one person no longer feels like a priority and/or loved, he or she needs to exit the relationship. As far as trusting her too much, that's certainly a possibility. Sometimes who we see is only who we want to see. Just be realistic, I don't know you and you seem resistant to advice, and honestly I don't wanna argue with you.
Author Jazzman Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 This is an interesting point, and one I've been tossing around: how much of my own situation do I drag into my advice? I just call em like I see em, though. The part that sticks with me the most about your story is that she's ignoring/avoiding you. There really aren't a whole lot of excuses for that. When someone matters to us, we make them a priority. When one person no longer feels like a priority and/or loved, he or she needs to exit the relationship. The reason I still hold on is because she hasn't COMPLETELY ignored me. Out of like 10 texts I sent, she responded to 2 of them. One of them she told me she would call me, and still hasn't. I understand your point completely, and it's why I'm upset in the first place. But like I said, I just want some clarification, that's all. I'm not trying to argue with you either, I just hope someone can provide some insight. Has anyone ever been in this situation before, where they broke up with someone and their ex tried to reach out to them and you ignored that person? Why did you ignore them? What thoughts were going through your mind?
kizik Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I have more thoughts, but it looks like you want others' opinions. Let us see watcha get.
Author Jazzman Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Don't let me stop you, feel free to continue posting. I'm going to bed now though, so I'll check back here tommorrow.
confused and broken Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 First I would be curious why you two broke up?? From what I can tell this is really quite simple You need to decide if you want her as a gf because by the sounds of it you two can no longer be friends you have crossed that line If you want her as a gf then go full out and try and get her back give it your all If not then leave her alone and stop leading her on ignore her so she knows you are not interested In other words you need to make a move all or nothing and quit dancing around
Author Jazzman Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 We broke up because I lied to her a couple of times. She got fed up with it.
stlnsmile Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 The reason I still hold on is because she hasn't COMPLETELY ignored me. Out of like 10 texts I sent, she responded to 2 of them. One of them she told me she would call me, and still hasn't. I understand your point completely, and it's why I'm upset in the first place. But like I said, I just want some clarification, that's all. I'm not trying to argue with you either, I just hope someone can provide some insight. Has anyone ever been in this situation before, where they broke up with someone and their ex tried to reach out to them and you ignored that person? Why did you ignore them? What thoughts were going through your mind? If I understand you correctly, you broke up with her. Maybe it was because you felt you had no choice given the situation. The reasons why don't really matter in answering this question. My ex broke up with me, and he was decent about it. He explained all his reasons, said he wanted to be friends, and tried to be friends afterwards. Afterwards we talked probably 5 times at first. Then it became too painful for me to have contact with him. I loved him, and talking to him distroyed me. He was fine with the breakup, and I wasn't. He reached out to me for friendship, I wanted love. I couldn't handle a friendship with the love of my life. It hurt so much to see him, talk to him, be around him, and not have him in my life that it literally made me sick. Some of that is hurt, ego, pride...."how could they live with out me and be okay with it?" some of it is need for that person, you need them so much, you just can't imadgine your life with out them. I don't know how to actually explain the pain that someone goes through when dumped, look at these forums, people literally can not function. If you read these treads the pain is obvious to all. Now imadgine your ex is going through all of that. How could she talk to you. You broke up with her. You speak like she broke up with you. It sort of doesn't make any sense. I mean was she saying she wanted to break up? If you did the breaking up, and she can't speak to you, its because she loves you and talking to you is too painful. You should respect that and leave her alone to heal unless you want a relationship with her.
Author Jazzman Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 If I understand you correctly, you broke up with her. Maybe it was because you felt you had no choice given the situation. The reasons why don't really matter in answering this question. My ex broke up with me, and he was decent about it. He explained all his reasons, said he wanted to be friends, and tried to be friends afterwards. Afterwards we talked probably 5 times at first. Then it became too painful for me to have contact with him. I loved him, and talking to him distroyed me. He was fine with the breakup, and I wasn't. He reached out to me for friendship, I wanted love. I couldn't handle a friendship with the love of my life. It hurt so much to see him, talk to him, be around him, and not have him in my life that it literally made me sick. Some of that is hurt, ego, pride...."how could they live with out me and be okay with it?" some of it is need for that person, you need them so much, you just can't imadgine your life with out them. I don't know how to actually explain the pain that someone goes through when dumped, look at these forums, people literally can not function. If you read these treads the pain is obvious to all. Now imadgine your ex is going through all of that. How could she talk to you. You broke up with her. You speak like she broke up with you. It sort of doesn't make any sense. I mean was she saying she wanted to break up? If you did the breaking up, and she can't speak to you, its because she loves you and talking to you is too painful. You should respect that and leave her alone to heal unless you want a relationship with her. She broke up with me..................I want to make that point clear. She broke up with me. The thing about it is, after some time and some thinking, I really truly do understand why she broke up with me. I understand how devastating it had to have been to her to realize what I was doing to her, and how terrible it must've felt. If I had to take a guess, I would say that her feelings right now are mixed - I believe she misses me and wishes we could go back to enjoying the conversation, the laughs, the good times, etc. but at the same time the thought of me hurting her again is enough to keep her away. In any case................I've been wanting to send her an e-mail, explaining 1) some of the good things that have happened since then, and 2) telling her that I get it, and that I completely understand why we broke up, and that she's a strong person for tolerating me at all after what I've done to her. I get that now. But the lines of communication are now closed, what can we say to each other? She asked me a few weeks ago if I could handle us "just talking" and just being friends...................and I told her that it would be hard, but not nearly as hard as not hearing from her and being completely cut off from her. Is she limiting contact with me for my sake? Is she doing this because she thinks this is what's best for me? Another thing..................I need to quit going to her MySpace. I went on there today and I have to admit................it's hard seeing her happy without me, even though as a friend I want nothing more than to see her happy. I just wish I could make her happy again. I miss her so much. Plus her status confuses me.....................she quotes a song that talks about longing for yesterday and wanting a place to hide away.............what does that mean? I can't help but feel like it has something to do with me since in her world, I'm "yesterday". All in all, I need to stop worrying about her. I can usually sit down and stop thinking about her for 5-10 minutes (if I'm not doing anything else, if I'm busy all day at work or something then I can hold out all day). The point is, once I get some free time on my hands, it's hard not to check the phone to see if she's called, or go to her MySpace. But then last night I thought to myself, what are the alternatives to NC and moving on? Sitting by the phone six months from now, wondering when is she going to call? Wondering who's she with, what is she doing, hanging on to her every little word she said? Hell no I don't want to do that. I've done that before, and it's a terrible, slow, painful process that would only slow down my own personal growth. But at the same time..................we're supposed to still be friends. If she wants us to be that, then let's be that. If she doesn't then cut me off altogether, but right now I feel as if I'm in limbo because I don't know exactly what she's thinking. I don't what she's thinking because 1) her actions and her words are contradicting each other, and 2) we haven't been talking. She hasn't allowed me to talk to her. Bottom line: I need to know something! I can't be stringing along, trying to play the guessing game forever. Tell me something!
stlnsmile Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I would say yes, she is not contacting you so you can get over her. It seems cruel, and harsh, but actually it is the best thing. If my ex had contacted me, it would have taken me so much longer to let go. He stopped contacting me after the fifth time when I told him I could not be friends. It was a blessing now that I look back. The pain of loosing someone is hard enough, the pain of accepting that takes a long time, being friends with that person will just prolong that process. If you look at the posts on this board, the people who maintain friendships with their exs take twice as long to recover from a breakup. I know it hurts and it sucks, more than anyone can ever know, but it is for the best. It will help you to move on.
Corinne Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 You have already told yourself what you must do, time to turn around, leave it and her and be with yourself, its sad I know but at least its your decision and you have power and control over it now. I didn't believe in no contact when I started this journey but after hurting myself again and again, I realise its right! I just need to be strong and do it, I think you do too I hope you have the courage and faith in yourself to not pick up the phone/text/email etc etc etc and hurt yourself more, I hope I do too Its time to take your life! in your arms
Author Jazzman Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 I would say yes, she is not contacting you so you can get over her. It seems cruel, and harsh, but actually it is the best thing. If my ex had contacted me, it would have taken me so much longer to let go. He stopped contacting me after the fifth time when I told him I could not be friends. It was a blessing now that I look back. The pain of loosing someone is hard enough, the pain of accepting that takes a long time, being friends with that person will just prolong that process. If you look at the posts on this board, the people who maintain friendships with their exs take twice as long to recover from a breakup. I know it hurts and it sucks, more than anyone can ever know, but it is for the best. It will help you to move on. Well to be honest, I've had this thought going through my mind, I know it's a long shot, but........................suppose she did want me back. How would I know? What little signs would be there that she was thinking about it?
Author Jazzman Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 You have already told yourself what you must do, time to turn around, leave it and her and be with yourself, its sad I know but at least its your decision and you have power and control over it now. I didn't believe in no contact when I started this journey but after hurting myself again and again, I realise its right! I just need to be strong and do it, I think you do too I hope you have the courage and faith in yourself to not pick up the phone/text/email etc etc etc and hurt yourself more, I hope I do too Its time to take your life! in your arms I know, I know, I tell myself over and over again that I'll just be hurt by picking up the phone, and that's what's motivated me thus far.................but I miss her so much. From October through May, we talked on the phone every single day, constantly. Our relationship was long-distance so we couldn't see each other until May, when she came to my hometown. We had a hell of a weekend, she even said herself she had a wonderful time. But I had lied to her before, and she found out about something else while she was here, and she said it was too much for her to bear. So the day after she left here, she broke up with me. I went from being on top of the world to being at the absolute bottom. To be honest with you, I'm afraid if I let go completely, I'll never see or hear from her again. Or at the very least, we'll never be as close as we once were. But we were so close.................we shared a lot of things with each other no one else on Earth knows.............our deepest, darkest secrets. I had her in my arms for three days..................but those three days were heaven. I'm really afraid that once I let go she'll never come back. We'll never kiss again, we'll never go back to talking on a regular basis again, we'll never enjoy each other again. We'll become strangers. That's my fear. That the person who I know and love the most, a person who knows me better than my own mother, would become a stranger to me. I still haven't forgiven myself for what I did. She says that she forgives me, and I believe her. But I haven't forgiven myself. For all of the good things going on my life, I'm happy and grateful, but I can't help but be sickened and disgusted with myself when I think of what I did and what I've lost.
carhill Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Love 'em to death but women are experts at mind games. Step back, heal yourself and accept that you will never have all the answers you want and/or need. Some things in life will always remain a mystery. In time, you will understand that women are one of them
Corinne Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Love 'em to death but women are experts at mind games. Step back, heal yourself and accept that you will never have all the answers you want and/or need. Some things in life will always remain a mystery. In time, you will understand that women are one of them I could say that about men! but maybe people are mysteries to themselves untill something like this happens and we learn to see and feel ourselves more clearly?..... and then when you think you've done it you find another layer Its all a learning thing for all of us Its just a shame when people close down inside and don't let it in because then they don't really live at all and never get to see the benefits of having your heart broken
carhill Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Nah, men are lousy at mind games. Most women see right through their BS but love them anyway and put up with it, or so the legions of females who friend-zoned me over the interceding decades have lamented The thrust of my advice to the OP is that he will only flog himself trying to find his answers. If he wants masochism training, by all means proceed. I've been down that path enough times to see the benefit in avoiding that particular whip....
stlnsmile Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Maybe your right carhill, maybe guys don't play mind games, I sort of wish my ex was, at least then, I could explain all the crazy crap that happened after the breakup. Why he ran past my house over and over again, why he drove past my house over and over again, why he called when I got a new puppy, but wouldn't talk to me, why he stared at me at school but never approached me, why he touched me that night and never said a word. All of it hurt me and I understood none of it. Then he moves on with someone else. I mean, I don't understand any of it in guy speak. Did he love me and want me and was too afraid to say anything, did he hate me but was just trying to be nice, did he really loose all the love we had, or did he leave because he just couldn't take the cr** anymore. I mean you say guys don't play mind games, but I have yet for one guy to answer the whys to these guestions. Obviously now it doesn't matter he's with someone else, and knowing him will stay his course no matter what, even if in the deep recesses he thought he might be wrong, he would never admit it. Maybe he just wanted my friendship, and I rejected that. IDK. I will never know I guess. I have moved on the best that I could. But don't tell me guys can't play mind games. What was the point of doing any of that if he didn't love me as he said.
carhill Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I'll try again Guys *DO* try to play mind games with women but are *LOUSY* at it, and women *SEE THROUGH* the BS. Everything from laying down in front of cars to threatening suicide while drunk, it's just laughable. Men are idiots sometimes and I'm a man
backto1 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Well to be honest, I've had this thought going through my mind, I know it's a long shot, but........................suppose she did want me back. How would I know? What little signs would be there that she was thinking about it? If she REALLY TRULY wanted you back again, those little signs would look like this: 1. She calls you and says "I'm so sorry, I REALLY TRULY want you back again." 2. She knocks on your door and says "I'm so sorry, I miss you so much and want you back." That's about it.
AnLandy Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I just want to make a quick observation here about your ongoing posts. Is your ex a non-confrontational kind of person? Does she try to drop subtle hints to people about what she wants because she is affraid to deal with the emotional reaction of being direct? Her behavior sounds pretty confused, but I would also classify it as passive aggressive. She stopped responding, probably because she didn't want to continue contact. In her mind, she probably was being as direct as she knows how to be. Instead of stating, "don't contact me any more", she might have just hoped that her actions would be enough to convery the message. I was very direct with my ex when he started the "can't we be friends" theme during our break-up conversation. I told him directly that I want no contact for two weeks. At the end of that period, if I want to talk to him, I will initiate it. I am a direct person. It sounds as if your ex may not be. Go into NC mode. If she calls or texts, ignore it. Unless there is still some practical or logistical reason to remain in contact (she owes you money, she has some of your things at her house that you want back, etc...), there really is no reason to be pushing contact right now. I am, to my surprise, on fairly friendly terms with one of my ex-boyfriends. However, it took over a year of no contact for me to get to a place where I was even willing to contemplate the prospect of being his friend. Initially, we jumped into the friends mode within weeks of the break-up, and there was just too much residual anger and hurt. Now, we can actually have a meaningful conversation.
AnLandy Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 It sounds as though you and your ex have two very different approaches to letting people know what you want. You expect her to be direct and tell you explicitly when she no longer wants contact. She may simply prefer to let her actions speak for her. Is she a direct person? Is she passive aggressive? Does she have problems telling people how she feels? Think about it. If you can't answer these questions, then that's probably a pretty good indication that you didn't know her all that well to begin with.
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