Ronni_W Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I'm not giving him false hope. I repeatedly let him know my love is dead. He knows that it is. No, we don't use money as a weapon. I keep bringing it up in answer to people saying I'm taking advantage of him. Soul, I totally get that you are in a MUTUALLY beneficial arrangement to which both of you consciously agreed. There is nothing "wrong" with your arrangement - it is only non-conventional. Your original question, as I interpret it, was: can one gain benefits without paying a price? In my experience, the answer is "no". There is a cost for your ex, as there is for you. The respective prices look different, is all. I would suggest that you just learn other ways of dealing with his "syrupy sweetness"...so that you don't feel your cost is too high. Or, just focus on all the benefits that you do derive, merely by putting up with his antics -- so the price starts looking really 'cheap' in comparison. In any event, there is a light at the end of the tunnel -- September or December (or whenever else you two decide) will be here in a helluva hurry! The difficulty, I think, is that you seem to feel a need to defend your (and, by extension, you ex's) adult decisions and living arrangements -- you do NOT owe explanations to anyone. Not even your best friend. Stop feeding your would-be 'accusers' and they will have to find some other place to forage .
TrustInYourself Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I'm not giving him false hope. I repeatedly let him know my love is dead. He knows that it is. No, we don't use money as a weapon. I keep bringing it up in answer to people saying I'm taking advantage of him. That's BS. Neither of us is taking advantage of the other. The problem is already solved with the TV thing. Other than that situation, I don't understand the taking advantage of him statement. That irks me that people say that because it is so not who I am. But I guess I shouldn't get upset when people that don't even know me online say crap like that. TrustinYourself - Uh...no. Nothing you said hurts. You didn't say anything meaningful. LOL Nice "zingers." I just find it interesting that everybody makes it sound like I'm still living with him under false pretenses. I'm not. I haven't lied about anything to him. I have not omitted anything. We have filed for divorce - it will be finalized August 5th. I told him I will move out ASAP after school. I do not talk to him at all like I used to. I never said he has never done anything for this marriage. Did you ever ask that question directly? I'd be happy to tell you. We both have plans to go our separate ways after we divorce. He talks about his own plans. He occasionally deludes himself into believing he could win me back. I don't indulge that fantasy at all. So you liked my zingers?!
dgiirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I'm not giving him false hope. I repeatedly let him know my love is dead. He knows that it is. And at the same time you (had) let him rub your feet and spend time with you at the end of a hard day. Listen, he doesnt want the marriage to end. He's jumping for joy to have this chance to stay a little bit longer in the house with you because from his pov it gives him a chance to change and hopefully win your heart back. He's willing to do almost anything to keep you there. He's still emotionally invested in the relationship and has not had the chance to mourn for it yet. He's on panic mode, trying to stay on life support, and hasnt reached the same conclusion on the divorce as you yet. You definitely have the upper hand in this situation because you've already gone through all the emotional turmoil and you've finally made a decision. You allowing him to rub your feet may mean nothing to you, but means SO much for him. It's just one "victory" for him on winning you back. And every little thing you do that's nice to him, he'll blow absolutely out of proportion. He's not thinking clearly. The problem is already solved with the TV thing. Other than that situation, I don't understand the taking advantage of him statement. That irks me that people say that because it is so not who I am. But I guess I shouldn't get upset when people that don't even know me online say crap like that. I dont know you nor your husband. And frankly, I couldnt careless. But maybe you should care what complete strangers think? Just maybe we see your situation from an _objective_ point of view, and just maybe we do have some small truth to what we're talking about? Instead of feeling the need to defend yourself, or being appalled because your self image might be tainted just a little, why dont you ask yourself what would possess complete strangers to think that? From their pov, what do they see that I'm not seeing? I never said he has never done anything for this marriage. Did you ever ask that question directly? I'd be happy to tell you. My point is, you are so quick to tell the world how much YOU do for this relationship, what's in it for YOU, what bother's YOU, every single thing is centered around YOU. And yet, when the spotlight is really shifted onto you, that YOU are reaping some reward from your situation, you backfire it with well HE is too. Why is it so hard for you to swallow your pride and just acknowledge "Yes, I'm reaping some reward from the current situation". Why do you need to defend that? At this moment, from your own postings, you are simply too self absorbed that you are not empathizing at all with your husband. All I'm trying to do is shed some light onto that. You want to see yourself as someone who is compassionate and understanding, a good-hearted person? Then stop trying to defend yourself, stop bringing up YOU all the time, stop worrying about YOUR self image, and actually put yourself in other people's shoes. Try to see what they see, and THEN act accordingly to what would match that good hearted person you want to be.
Gunny376 Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I find the comments between the "Vets (dgriil, Lakeside, ilmw etc) and the "newbies" intersting!
lemony fresh Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Why should she emphasize with him? Everyone's conveniently forgetting that he cheated on her during the marriage. Yes, cyber sex with multiple people and his wife's best friend is cheating. So...he blew it, all bet's are off, he doesn't deserve any empathy.
LakesideDream Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Why should she emphasize with him? Everyone's conveniently forgetting that he cheated on her during the marriage. Yes, cyber sex with multiple people and his wife's best friend is cheating. So...he blew it, all bet's are off, he doesn't deserve any empathy. He may not deserve sympathy, but everyone suffering has earned empathy, how could the rest of us grow otherwise? Open that dictionary, and thumb through that thesaurus.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Ahhh, the old "I should have done this" routine. Don't buy it.... if he treated you badly, he will only resort to it again. Ignore him and remember.... everything is temporary.
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