sid3 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 After a month of n/c my ex gf initiated contact with I'm sorry and I miss you. Ok, I'm sure she did to some extent. Obviously enough to tell me. But for all I know she could be bored, lonely, seeking to lift her self esteem etc. It's only been a couple of days so I haven't really spent a lot of time with her. I am unsure what I should invest into this. We broke up because I had assumed she was flaky and played the hot/cold game. Now I am wondering if it had more to do with the fact that she is young and inexperienced in dating, one relationship for a few years with an abuser. I'm a few years older and have mostly been in LTRs, so I don't have that much more experience in dating either. I agree with once a flake, always a flake for the most part. But I'm not a hundred percent sure that was the problem. Maybe my expectations were too needy, maybe I didn't chase enough, no mystery, who knows really. I do think judging someone's interest level isn't always so black and white. That may have been my problem. It's possible her dating behavior is different something entirely new to me and that is what has me confused. I feel confident, attractive in her eyse and such. What would be the best way to approach this, do I tell her how I am feeling. Should I be making most of the effort, half, or let her make all the effort at first? I wasn't planning on having these questions come to mind. In fact, I wasn't going to contact her. Would it be wise to just do nothing for the time being and see what develops? I need some suggestions......thanks
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 sid, what are your ages, if you don't mind saying?
Author sid3 Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 No I don't mind saying I'm 37 and she is 24 as long as I can add: I'm sure that will be perceived as my being a mid life crisis guy chasing a young girl. But I'd just like to say she's not the young hottie that people will automatically assume I'm after. While I'm no brad pitt , she is a little overweight, kind of tall for a girl, and maybe not the prettiest face to most people. But I think she has a beautiful face and is sexy. She could pass for thirtyish. So could I.
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I'm not going to lie to you. That's a pretty large age gap, especially since she's under 25. On the otherhand, it's stage in life v. age in life. She's already shown you that she's lacking maturity in relationships. Has she said anything about trying again? That she's willing to make changes?
Author sid3 Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Thanks T. I appreciate the honesty. Yes she did tell me she wanted to work on her flaky behavior ie: sometimes not returning my calls. But isn't that something I may come across with a woman closer to my age even when there is interest? Your right about the relationship maturity, but from reading hundreds of threads. I've seen a lot of evidence that it does not always come with age. I've already asked myself if she was say 30, 32 , 35, would I still be as interested. The answer is yes. In fact, I would be happier if she was closer in age. While I feel bad for the fact she had an abusive boyfriend, I try not to let that be an excuse for the way she sometimes treated me. She can say she misses me, and is wanting to work on such and such until the cows come home, but I know enough to pay attention to her actions. It's been a week so far, I've seen her twice. Not for very long, but long enough for a few nice kisses. I think I would have been better off without them. Maybe I should start trying to detach myself from my feelings for her like I was doing with the n/c. It is probably unlikely there could be a lasting relationship heh:(
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 You know I'm not a big second chance person, especially considering my own recent experiences but don't throw it away without at least giving it a go. Do guard your heart enough that if she flakes again, you won't be buried. Def. watch those actions closely! Good luck!
imbewildered Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 You know I'm not a big second chance person, especially considering my own recent experiences but don't throw it away without at least giving it a go. Do guard your heart enough that if she flakes again, you won't be buried. Def. watch those actions closely! Good luck! You need to do a lot more than this.. Firstly SHe contacted you,That means that she wants to "re-establish the union" as the shrinks so quaintly put it. That means that she is buying what you are selling, and this game is a sellers market. That gives you the upper hand in setting out CLEARLY what you want frrom her and what you expect from her. SET THE RULES before you sleep with her. Trust me on this . I have made this mistake several times and lost a few great opportunities to assert my rightful leadership because I maintained misplaced and undeserved faith in the power of love.. Having said that, you also need to be clear about what you will do IF she breaks her agreement. Rules without enforcement are mere suggestions. Where I live the judge fines us $150 for running a red light. If there were no penalty we would have a town full of traffic demons down here. FRankly I am not a big fan of second chances especially after YOU broke up with her for being flakey. That is another word for disrespectful and I applaud you for placing respect ahead of pvssy, That is what smart men do. Remember this is the same woman ,and it is irrelevant WHY she is acting out. What matters is that is is NOT to your liking. IF her behavior is not OK with you then her behavior is not OK, It is that simple ..
Author sid3 Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Yep, I recall you not having a very good second chance experience. Hope you didn't use your favorite shoes to kick him to the curb:eek: All i can do is see if things really are any different. While there are obviously a lot of people hoping there ex would come back, it's not always so instantly wonderful when the do. The doubt it creates can be overwhelming. Maybe they just don't realise their ex is doing them a favor by not coming back to try again. i don't know.
Balthazar Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 If you still have feelings for the girl, I think you should give her a second chance. A lot of people are confused,especially at younger ages. I agree with bewildered that it is important that she came back to you. I think you should have a good time with this young lady, and see how things go. However, the moment she starts getting flaky, call her up on it;don't let it slide. If, despite your warnings, she doesn't correct her behavior, you will have to let her go. Do not worry about the age difference. I date women of almost all ages(21-39) and I have found the older ones to be just as flaky(maybe even worse)than the young ones. Unfortunately, many older women are carrying around a lot of baggage(the euphemism for this is "life experience"). Trust me, you'll enjoy your 24-year old a lot more if you work out the issues. Give it a shot! CHeers,
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Yep, I recall you not having a very good second chance experience. Hope you didn't use your favorite shoes to kick him to the curb:eek: All i can do is see if things really are any different. While there are obviously a lot of people hoping there ex would come back, it's not always so instantly wonderful when the do. The doubt it creates can be overwhelming. Maybe they just don't realise their ex is doing them a favor by not coming back to try again. i don't know. There's no way I would have risked my Jimmy Choo's! We parted ways in the oddest manner but then, considering his historical cycling, no surprise. In hindsight, a second chance gives you the slim opportunity to try to make it work again or it reinforces what you believed the first time around about the non-viability of the relationship.
Author sid3 Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 I'll try and keep the advice offered in mind. Oddly I'm not feeling as though I have the upper hand at all. I'm actually feeling pretty vulnerable right now. It's difficult to put forth much effort, the idea of getting burned again sucks. I'm still not sure if she came back because she missed the attention and feeling wanted. What I do know is now I am hyper sensitive to possible red flags. I mentioned getting together firday nite, she had plans already. Understandable, but not suggesting another time kind of pisses me off. I need to set some boundaries. First I need to figure out exactly what that means...
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