Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 inulg, You don't really get a choice about thinking you know. You do it even when you're sleeping. And you know for instance that it doesn't take much thinking to know that when someone beats you that isn't love. Right? Is there really love in the sentence "Show me you love me, kick the shhit out of me?" Carrot ... no :'( i mean, he isnt normally like that. he ... never used to be like that... he always had anger issues... but... it got really bad the last few weeks before we split. it only happened twice. lol i know... once should be enough... i just... cant see him as anything else than human, and making mistakes... but at the same time, i didn't deserve to be treated like that. besides the whole physical thing, i didn't deserve that distance, and the lack of interest. sigh. i'm too nice. thats my problem. i was talking to my friend about it, she was saying 'so you think all men who abuse their wives are good people at heart??? that they should stay with their husbands??' and that really got me thinking. no they should not, not unless they change. and i guess i'm just being an idiot and hoping he'll change. and (maybe) realize that he loves me... or not mostly or not.... lol or not for EVERYTHING! because hes not coming back. because he didn't treat me right. sigh. things are so hard.
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 There's no excuse for abuse of any form, especially physical violence from a man. You have to see this for how serious it was. If he can do it once, he can do it again.
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 There's no excuse for abuse of any form, especially physical violence from a man. You have to see this for how serious it was. If he can do it once, he can do it again. youre right, and my brain agrees with you. but for some strange reason i seem to think its ok to pretend it didnt happen... blah. i'm sure in time, i'll see everything more clearly, but right now i'm just so stupid and blind. i need to learn to respect myself, and get some of my self-esteem back. This is all so easy to say, but its so hard for me to really *do* right now. i am working on this! and thank you for your words of support. it does help to hear it from someone else, with an outside perspective.
justaman99 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Take those keys and throw them off a bridge. He kicked the crap out of you. What a coward. No real man would ever beat up a woman. amen. Toss the keys and with that throw toss out any thoughts of him being a man you want in your life.
The Collector Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 In future if you make a man so angry that he wants to leave the house, do not stand in his way or forcibly try to stop him. And we all know how provocative it can be when someone does everything in their power to press your buttons and drive you crazy, then says 'calm down.' Are you sure you broke into the bathroom because you thought he was suicidal? Did his previous suicide attempt happen in a similar situation during a heated argument? That's not a common circumstance, and it doesn't sound right. I'm getting that you know he never did anything inexcusable. You obviously still want him, and don't find perfect nice guy gentlemen attractive anyway. Everyone will tell you to forget the 'jerk' and move on. Maybe that would be best for you, but the heart doesn't care what's best. If you want to use the keys as an excuse for contact, go for it and get back on the emotional rollercoaster if that's what you want. If that's what you're going to do, maybe you should establish that if you both want a reconciliation, he cannot go out drinking until 4am all the time, and you will watch your jealousy, privacy-breaking and emotional outbursts. If he values you there could be hope. And that's what you are yearning for.
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 youre right, and my brain agrees with you. but for some strange reason i seem to think its ok to pretend it didnt happen... blah. i'm sure in time, i'll see everything more clearly, but right now i'm just so stupid and blind. i need to learn to respect myself, and get some of my self-esteem back. This is all so easy to say, but its so hard for me to really *do* right now. i am working on this! and thank you for your words of support. it does help to hear it from someone else, with an outside perspective. The cycle of abuser/abusee is a complex mix. Take a hard look at your relationship to begin to understand the dynamics. It usually starts with emotional abuse, then escalates to physical violence. amen. Toss the keys and with that throw toss out any thoughts of him being a man you want in your life. Absolutely! This guy is about as low as they go.
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Collector, I now know that once someone's upset i can't try to 'calm them down' much less try to get them not to storm out of the apartment. ok, i'm remembering what the argument was about. It started because i mentioned something about him being interested in other women, and asked him if that was why he was staying out late (in a CALM non-angry fashion - he became angry at this because he gets SUPER angry when i ask him questions involving him being unfaithful)... i kind of lied about how i got the information (i had really read one of his IMs), he found out within the first 10 mins of being online and later became more angry, calling me all sorts of *wonderful* names. i wasn't angry when i asked him the information, but then again i shouldn't have lied ( much less read his IM's ). he slammed the door... and yes i was freaking out because of the suicide thing. When he gets angry, he gets VERY angry, i was afraid he'd break something and hurt himself, or just hurt himself on purpose. I dont want to get back on the 'emotional rollercoaster' but i do wish that he valued me enough to want to work on things. (meaning himself, and the relationship). Its not just me who needed work. yes I was insecure, but the relationship was falling apart. And his anger problems had gotten worse over the years we had been dating. So yes, we BOTH needed alot of work. What really made me insecure was the fact that he would always tell me he 'didnt know' if he saw a future with me (after 4 yrs to even our 7th year dating) he 'didnt know' if he wanted a future with me. also, he 'was interested in other women'... oh and the constant times that he had blown me off to go hang out with his 'girlfriends'... things like that. no nothing was great. things used to be great, just like in every relationship. i'm just the type of person that works hard on everything i do, and never gives up. but i need to learn to just step back and move on with my life. Its his turn to decide what to do, and right now hes giving up. my father used to be abusive to me and my mother as a child, and i've always had the fear of ending up in the same relationship my mother had... and now, i think i see what happened to her. she said my father when he was younger, told her he would never hurt anyone, and never used to have 'severe' anger problems. but they became worse in time, and i feel if you leave things like that untreated, yes they do get worse. no, i still dont believe it was right of my ex to get physical with me... but i know that he didnt mean it, he just doesnt know how to control his anger. and thats why i'm so confused about it. he doesnt know how to control his anger.... but at the same time i dont deserve to be treated like i'm not valued... ( i dont mean just the physical thing, but i mean the distance he had towards me in the relationship)
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 The cycle of abuser/abusee is a complex mix. Take a hard look at your relationship to begin to understand the dynamics. It usually starts with emotional abuse, then escalates to physical violence. yeah, i was looking up some info on emotional abuse, and yes, maybe it was happening.. (well not maybe, but yes it was...) but he doesn't have all the traits of it, but a significant amount... but yes, i did have a constant fear of ever talking to him about any problems, because he would always get angry at me...
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 yeah, i was looking up some info on emotional abuse, and yes, maybe it was happening.. (well not maybe, but yes it was...) but he doesn't have all the traits of it, but a significant amount... but yes, i did have a constant fear of ever talking to him about any problems, because he would always get angry at me... The classic blame tactic. "If you hadn't done x, y, z, I would never have hit you. Next time, don't push me."
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Trialbyfire, i actually keep re-reading what i've written so far, and am starting to feel like things are making sense... hes a really great guy, hes just... got alot of things he needs to work on... like things that he should work on before he gets back in a relationship with me or anyone else... i'm not sure why i didnt see any of this a few years back, but i can see it now..
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 That's good inulg. In doing an honest review of your relationship, who he is and who you are, you can hopefully begin to see what needs work and how damaging this relationship is for you. Do keep writing down your inner thoughts and evaluation of the situation. It will help you stay strong and realize that this isn't what love is all about.
carrotgirl Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 i actually keep re-reading what i've written so far, and am starting to feel like things are making sense... hes a really great guy, hes just... got alot of things he needs to work on... like things that he should work on before he gets back in a relationship with me or anyone else... inulg, There are a lot of troubled people out there who are still human beings but how great they are isn't even a subjective question. If you had happened by one day and had seen your ex beating the crap out of some other woman would you think that's a really great guy? If you saw the ex beating the crap out of a child would you think hey, there is a really great guy? Perspective is so hard for any of us to have while we're hurting and you've been hurt badly. It's okay to like the nice memories. It's understandable that you want more of them. The cost of making new memories with this ex could be your teeth, your eyes, your ability to walk, your life.... Too great a price to pay. What did you eat for breakfast? Carrot
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Perspective is so hard for any of us to have while we're hurting and you've been hurt badly. It's okay to like the nice memories. It's understandable that you want more of them. The cost of making new memories with this ex could be your teeth, your eyes, your ability to walk, your life.... Too great a price to pay. What did you eat for breakfast? Carrot haha. yeah... sigh. its hard! i still think hes a good guy, i'm just... i know he cant be 'my' great guy... not while he's like this at least. not that it matters anyway... if he ever wanted me back, however, i would definitely require that he work on his anger problems... (IF he wanted me back, which wont happen) sigh sigh sigh.... i ate a bowl of granola...(again) for breakfast lol i swear i'm going shopping today! sigh... another thing i really missed...he used to occasionally cook breakfast for the two of us. *mope*
Author inulg Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 soooo yesterday... i was supposed to go to an alumni thing for my college... and since he and i went to the same college... i was kinda worried i might run into him there... so i decided not to go. 30 mins before this thing starts i get a text from him "are you going ?" ......... this was the FIRST CONTACT he'd made with me in A MONTH.... i was... baffled. namely because i thought he hated my guts... i called him (because i'm not doing the text thing) and he answered. He told me i should go anyway, and that he was going, and that we should meet up and talk face to face. sooo yeah i went to the alumni thing (which was really bad...nobody showed up really! ) so it was just me and him at a table... we had a bit of forced conversation... and when it was finished, walked over to starbucks and sat down for what felt like an eternity (but was actually an hour and a half) We talked alot about... how we were feeling... apologizing to each other... and ... i found out hes been doing alot of self-reflection, reading a ton of self-help books, and of course still going to his psychologist. He said he was super mad at me for the angry text messages i sent... but you know what? he had said worse things to me in the past when he was angry, which i had forgiven him for. so i explained that out of my rage, i had said those things... and compared it to his rage... lol anyway, he kinda got the point... that its hard controlling yourself when youve been hurt by someone you love the most. ...i really miss him. and it hurts knowing that hes trying to change himself.. but at the same time moving on! its that fear, that we all have, that in his next relationship he'll have been that new changed guy that i wanted when he was with me. that i'll have missed out, and felt hurt because he couldent have been that way when he was with me. we have SO MUCH in common, its weird. ive never met anyone i clicked with so easily... its like the things we've been doing to better ourselves after the breakup are almost the same! and i think that hurt more... i have no idea if he stilll 'doesnt love ' me anymore... like he had said before. but i told him that i'm still in love with him, (HUGE MISTAKE) and that if he ever figures out what he wants from life, that i'll always feel the same way about him... (DAMMIT... lol bad idea! this just left me open for more heartbreak, when it seems he's already got some girls hes dating) blahh i could be wrong, but i have no idea, so i'm going to keep moving forward. and if he comes back, he comes back. if he leaves he leaves... i also got to give him back his spare keys... lol
madgun68 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 ...i really miss him. and it hurts knowing that hes trying to change himself.. but at the same time moving on! its that fear, that we all have, that in his next relationship he'll have been that new changed guy that i wanted when he was with me. that i'll have missed out, and felt hurt because he couldent have been that way when he was with me.This caught my eye as I also have done quite a bit to make changes in my life after the end of a relationship. Look at it this way: There are things (material or not) that we place a high value on. They are not replaceable. That doesn't mean, however, that these things aren't sometimes damaged by our own neglect. We don't mean for it to happen.. It just happens. We take steps to ensure that we don't allow the same thing to happen in the future. The same thing can be said of relationships and Exes. A person (myself included) will look back in retrospective and see that, at least in part, their own actions are at least partially to blame for the end of the relationship. What you saw was something special and now that it is gone, you want to take steps to ensure that you don't repeat those actions again. The saying really is true.. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Sometimes it takes something severe, such as a breakup, to really wake us up and take notice of what we've done and what we've lost. It isn't always true (and may not be in your case) but it is true in mine and I'm sure many others.
Author inulg Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 The saying really is true.. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Sometimes it takes something severe, such as a breakup, to really wake us up and take notice of what we've done and what we've lost. It isn't always true (and may not be in your case) but it is true in mine and I'm sure many others. ...are you saying that perhaps he might see what he left behind? :-\ ( arrghh... i still have stupid stupid hopesof us getting back together...) but really he needs to finish working on himself before anything like that could ever happen. I cant deal with his anger issues any more, and it took the breakup for me to realize all the abuse i had gone through, that i should not be putting up with it.... i'm just...really sick knowing he might find someone else along the way, which is why i'm just trying to move on...and if he comes back he comes back, but if i wait i'm just leaving myself open to disappointment when he doesnt. sigh.
madgun68 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 ...are you saying that perhaps he might see what he left behind? :-\Yeah. It is a possibility. ( arrghh... i still have stupid stupid hopesof us getting back together...) but really he needs to finish working on himself before anything like that could ever happen. I cant deal with his anger issues any more, and it took the breakup for me to realize all the abuse i had gone through, that i should not be putting up with it.... I've bolded the the really important point. He needs to finish this on his own.. and you need to keep in mind that it may take months or years for that to fully happen. Any attempt at reconciliation before then could have him reverting back to his old ways and it's all doomed from there on out. i'm just...really sick knowing he might find someone else along the way, which is why i'm just trying to move on...and if he comes back he comes back, but if i wait i'm just leaving myself open to disappointment when he doesnt. sigh.I wish I had an easy answer for you.. but you DO need to try to move on.. for your own sake. A healthy outlook to have is to being open to possible reconciliation without the hope that it will happen. Another point to remember is just because he's trying to change, doesn't mean that he'll fully accomplish those changes. Time will tell and until that happens, you shouldn't wait for those changes to occur. There could be someone out there for you that's everything you hoped your ex would be. You won't know if you're stuck in limbo waiting..
Author inulg Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 Another point to remember is just because he's trying to change, doesn't mean that he'll fully accomplish those changes. Time will tell and until that happens, you shouldn't wait for those changes to occur. There could be someone out there for you that's everything you hoped your ex would be. You won't know if you're stuck in limbo waiting.. Madgun, Thank you so much for your wise words!! I definately need to take that outlook... i just cant imagine that there might be someone else out there for me... its hard... ! but thank you again! i feel alot better hearing that. life goes on, right? sigh... its just having the patience to wait that sucks!!
LikeCharlotte Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Hi inulg. I have a suggestion that you might not be ready for, but here it goes. How about using that hope to focus on someone who is healthy now? Or on becoming stronger so you can have what you deserve? It sounds as though you've been trying for a very long time with this person and you must be exhausted.
Author inulg Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 Hi inulg. I have a suggestion that you might not be ready for, but here it goes. How about using that hope to focus on someone who is healthy now? Or on becoming stronger so you can have what you deserve? It sounds as though you've been trying for a very long time with this person and you must be exhausted. i know i know... its just... you know... hard ! lol i am moving on, despite my feelings of wanting to stay with him. Madgun is right, it may take years before he ever really changes, if it even happens at all. plus... yes, i am very exhausted on waiting sigh. i just.... i just really hate the idea of being with someone for this long and things just ending... i'm kinda stuck in "dream world" where some part of me still thinks *it was meant to be* ect ect..(he's been my best friend way longer than before we were dating, also, he was my first long term relationship)... lol i need to grow up and just realize that there are other fish out there! maybe even bigger than the last!
Author inulg Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 i also have to add that i'm only 23 and we've been dating for the last 7 years... we've grown up a lot together, so its hard for me to just not want to 'help' or 'wait' for him... but, he's moved on... so ... who knows if he will ever really come back anyway...
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