inulg Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 i found his spare car key while unpacking... what do i do with it? i left a message. i felt sick to my stomach, yet kinda happy i had an excuse to call. but mostly sick to my stomach. i dont want to see him. but at the same time theres a good 10% of myself that still feels stupid hope and that wants to. ugh. well if he doesnt want it back, what can i do? burn it? sigh. nothing works!! JUST WHEN I THINK EVERYTHINGS GOING GOOD, AND I'M GOING TO BE OK, I FIND THIS THING!!! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY am i CONSTANTLY being tortured. and i know he still hates me. i feel like the way he thinks about me is like how a person thinks of dog **** on their shoe... :\ i've forgiven everything he's done. i've forgiven his anger, and i've recognized i was angry and did a few things i shouldent have after the breakup (namely accusations, trying to make things work, ect) And i went on a date two nights ago, and all i could think about the whole time was him. HIM. and this guy i went out with was such a sweetheart. true gentleman, and i KNOW if i was completely over him i'd be falling for this guy right now. but i'm not. sigh. i want to love again. but not him. i dont want to love him anymore. but at the same time i do. (only because the stupid side of me that still believes things could have worked out) i dont know how to feel. i dont want to be disappointed anymore. Maybe i should just feel and think nothing, and just... do? (ive gotten myself into so much trouble just 'doing' things though... especially not thinking and just acting on emotions...) AR! nothing makes sense anymore.
Author inulg Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 i thought i'd add its been 2 months since the breakup and 2 weeks since i last heard from him.... we'd been dating for 7 years. living together for 1. and yet he hates me like slugs hate salt!
justaman99 Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Why does he hate you? Why did you guys break up?
carrotgirl Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 inulg, You put the key in a plain envelope and mail it to him with no note. Or you can throw it in the trash bin. If your ex really needed that key, he would have come looking for it. The key is not an excuse to be in contact. If you want to be in contact, you don't need keys. If you don't want to be in contact and you don't have kids together, you have no need to be in contact. The choice is up to you and it's not about the key. Okay? It isn't fun or easy I know. I was thinking he should love you the way slugs love beer. Perhaps not so good for the slug. Deep breaths and keep finding ways to smile. Carrot
Author inulg Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 Why does he hate you? Why did you guys break up? kinda long response but... its weird how you think you know someone after 7 years but then all this happens. it all started when i wanted to get married after the first 4 years of dating... i guess it kinda dragged onto our 7th year, where i was supposed to not bring it up while he was in school (he's getting his masters degree) but i kinda decided that because he was so indifferent about the relationship after 7 years ( he would never tell me he even saw me in his future, he would tell me he 'doesnt know') I decided that it would be best for us to not live together this year. but during our last 3 months together i started getting more paranoid that he was already moved on and interested in other women (which he later confirmed he was interested in other people) . ..this turned into me checking his emails, and reading his IM histories (which was horrible, i know, but i'd always tell him and felt horrible..) but the thing is, it happened more than once (maybe like 5 or 6 times, but i always found something talking about how he was interested in other women, and his friends cheering him on that i was 'holding' him back and a 'waste' of his time) But he was becoming increasingly more distant, coming back to our apartment later and later at night (like 4am from parties his friends would have, several times during a week), and started to blow me off whenever i wanted to meet up with him after work or go somewhere on the weekends to hang out with his friends (which were 3 girls that he constantly hung around) so OF COURSE! i was paranoid. This slowly evolved into some fight where he had come home late again and drank a little too much.. forgot to take his antidepressants...and some how he became angry at me, i begged him to calm down instead of storming out the apartment at 5am in the morning, standing in the doorway, and being shoved out of the way several times to the floor... he apologized. said it would never happen, he was sorry. but then two weeks later it happens again. except this time he had locked himself in the room. I freaked because he had admitted to me he had been suicidal in the past, and i became worried-- he wasnt responding to me after a good 15 mins of trying to talk to him through the closed door. so i got a pin and opened the door, rushed over to him...he makes this punching motion at me, like he wants to hit me... i back up... he says he wants to storm out again (again its like 5 am) i being the stupid head i am, stands in front of him, and say, 'R** hold on, calm down, please calm down, (i dont want you to hurt yourself)" i never finished saying that line, when he throws me against the wall, almost as if he wanted to strangle me.. and shakes me ...blah blah... i'm stupid and pathetic, so after all this i'm on the floor? (i cant remember too much) holding on to his shoes crying... i get more abuse. blah blah. (that night was horrible, i think i've blocked alot of it out of my head... i was so bruised afterwards, pain lasted for a few weeks) blah blah blah. he says its all my fault. hes apologized for everything, yet he'd always tell me i was being a victim. and to 'stop playing the victim' ha. i really loved him. i dont know what happend. i still dont. everything was great about our relationship, except when it came to marriage...and affection...and... ok. so not everything. sigh. i guess... i'm just in alot of pain.
Author inulg Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 inulg, You put the key in a plain envelope and mail it to him with no note. Or you can throw it in the trash bin. If your ex really needed that key, he would have come looking for it. The key is not an excuse to be in contact. If you want to be in contact, you don't need keys. If you don't want to be in contact and you don't have kids together, you have no need to be in contact. The choice is up to you and it's not about the key. Okay? It isn't fun or easy I know. I was thinking he should love you the way slugs love beer. Perhaps not so good for the slug. Deep breaths and keep finding ways to smile. Carrot thank you Carrot!! *sniffles* its so hard... i want him to want the stupid key so bad... just so i can feel like he needs me... how sad! arrghh... youre right. I dont have his mailing address... and i dont know any of his friends to give it to either... sigh. i will...keep it. i cant throw it away... sigh.
carrotgirl Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Okay, here's your attention inulg. Been there. Boy have I been there! What did you eat today? Carrot
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Okay, here's your attention inulg. Been there. Boy have I been there! What did you eat today? Carrot haha... 1 vegan Jamaican patty (made of lentils!) and a really really tiny bowl of cereal... i've been eating so bad since the breakup. i've lost about 20 pounds in the last 2 months...
e.clipse Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 did you already ask him if he wanted you to give it back? if so, just go drop it off and leave. don't add extra stress by sending it in the mail or something like that because then you'll be wondering what would have happened if you had seen him, would he have given you a hug, would things have ended nicely if you had seen him that one last time? not that anything is going to happen because it probably isn't, but it's good to get that out of your system so you don't dwell on it. just drop it off and rest in knowing that if he wants to reconcile, he has the key. i really think it's best this way, if you have hope, however small, for a reconciliation. just end whatever was in a pleasant way, travel in your own way, and let things be. also, based on what history you've posted, i'd say it's too soon for you to date. if his memory still has such a powerful effect on you, then the best bet for you is to just be. alone. with family and friends, sure, but not in the dating game. it's not fair to your or other men. besides, what's the point in going out on a date with Y when you are thinking about (your) X? mainly, don't rush things or do things that don't feel right/natural to you. that is never the good way, i don't think. hugs to you. i hope you feel better.
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Take those keys and throw them off a bridge. He kicked the crap out of you. What a coward. No real man would ever beat up a woman.
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Thanks, e.clipse... the thing about it is... i cant drop them off... i dont know his new address... but i was thinking.. maybe i could mail it to one of our mutual friends, who could mail it to him? so complicated, but then i wouldent feel horrible for tossing it! Trialbyfire, I feel horrible though... i mean, none of this stuff happened the last 6 years we were dating... it wasnt until the end (the 7th year) that things started getting REALLY bad... i dont understand. i know he has issues... but maybe i'm being too nice.. :'( i feel hurt by everything that happened, but i still cant hate him. He once told me when we first started dating that he would never ever abuse or physically hurt anyone... and ... what happened? i dont get it... i dont think i've ever been able to hate anyone in my life, ever. i just feel a sadness.... i feel like if i hated him, this would be alot easier...
carrotgirl Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 inulg, go make yourself a snack and then listen to Ms. TrialByFire's words. You will need some brain power though so make a healthy snack first. Healthy in size and and nutritional content. And be sure to get some form of fat in there. Your vitamins aren't going to do you any good without some nutritive conductors. Seriously. Your brain does not have enough to feed it right now. You know this. Make yourself a snack to eat and then come back. Carrot
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 carrot's right about getting a snack. Go get some food right now missy.
e.clipse Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Thanks, e.clipse... the thing about it is... i cant drop them off... i dont know his new address... but i was thinking.. maybe i could mail it to one of our mutual friends, who could mail it to him? so complicated, but then i wouldent feel horrible for tossing it! my main point, sweets, is to do whatever feels the most natural for you. if you feel comfortable tossing it, then do so. if you want to mail it to someone so they can give it to him, do that. whatever will give you piece of mind, really. this guy really does sound like a jerk, but i know that when you are in the middle of it all, it's hard to think with your head. so, don't; just don't think at all. the best thing is to deal with this ASAP so that you won't have it lingering. then just let it be. you can have your feelings and desires, but that doesn't mean you have to show them to the wrong person, which is him, in this case. know what i'm sayin?
underpants Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Oooohhhhh, You have a set of keys? I would take a lovely blow torch to them and melt them into fantasic un-usable shapes. Then I would return them. If you don't feel comfortable with a blow torch then I am sure you can take them someplace, tell them your story and they will do it for you. Or, you can use plyers, and bend back and forth to snip off the ends. Get creative and have fun.
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 haha, thanks you guys... i've got right now... some tomato soup, celery sticks, and a slice of bread.. i need to go shopping... lol i think my stomach has shrunken... when i went on that date 2 nights ago, the guy was like "you barely touched your food!! does it taste bad??" and i felt so bad cuz the food was SOOOO GOOOD, but i could only eat a few bites and then feel sick (plus it was super expensive and he refused to split the bill with me, he wanted to pay it all! ) he was so nice... and i suck so much for not being over this guy already! :'(
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 my main point, sweets, is to do whatever feels the most natural for you. if you feel comfortable tossing it, then do so. if you want to mail it to someone so they can give it to him, do that. whatever will give you piece of mind, really. this guy really does sound like a jerk, but i know that when you are in the middle of it all, it's hard to think with your head. so, don't; just don't think at all. the best thing is to deal with this ASAP so that you won't have it lingering. then just let it be. you can have your feelings and desires, but that doesn't mean you have to show them to the wrong person, which is him, in this case. know what i'm sayin? *hugs* youre so right! i just feel like i've already burdened all my friends with a ton of complaints about how much i miss him. i dont know why i'm so stupid right now. i know in a few years, when this is all over, i'm going to look back and think 'what the hell?? what was i thinking' sigh. its a good thing he doesnt want me in his life.... saving me from more hurt i guess
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 The more nutrition you have in you, the better you'll feel. I went through the same thing with my ex-H cheating. It's a minor depression. What I also recommend is to get some exercise. It will make you feel better and stimulate your appetite. It will also make you want to socialize a bit more since right now, you're pulling into yourself. Don't let that happen! As for creative key ideas. Leave them inserted in his car door, in plain view. I wonder what would happen?
sunshinegirl Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I can't remember your timeline, inulg - when was your breakup? My appetite was nonexistent for almost a month. I lost 15 pounds and my stomach must have shrunk down to almond size! It was awful. The good news is your appetite will return. And with that, your ability to exercise. If you can, try to walk 15-20 minutes a day and if you have more energy, do more than that. It's almost 8 weeks post-breakup for me now, and I am back to near-normal appetite levels. Perhaps more importantly, I am exercising more: yoga, climbing, and jogging are back in my life and they were simply impossible to even think about doing that first month. For the record, your ex is a HUGE ABUSER LOSER JERK. No excuses for laying a hand on you, no matter what the circumstances. NONE. In time, you will be thankful to no longer be in that situation - of that I am 100% confident. I used to hate this phrase but it's true: there is no way out but through. Hang in there.
carrotgirl Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Chew. Swallow. Breathe. Read. inulg. You're all over the place woman! (Yes. Woman. You're not a child.) Stop typing and eat. Are you chewing? Keep chewing. Swallow. THINK. Breathe. Read. When you have finished ALL, and I seriously mean ALL of the soup, the celery and the piece of bread, then let us know you finished your snack. There will be thinking to come so eat. Carrot
e.clipse Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 *hugs* youre so right! i just feel like i've already burdened all my friends with a ton of complaints about how much i miss him. i dont know why i'm so stupid right now. i know in a few years, when this is all over, i'm going to look back and think 'what the hell?? what was i thinking' sigh. its a good thing he doesnt want me in his life.... saving me from more hurt i guess no, don't think that way. what you went through is very deep and it hasn't been long since it all happened, anyway. real friends won't be bothered, even if it's been months and you are still yapping about the same thing. sure, you might get an eye-roll here and there and an: "oh no...," but rest assured that they care and that they want you to be happy. lending an ear and a shoulder is required in a real friendship. some of us take shorter to hear, and some others longer...your friends will understand, so don't trouble yourself with discouraging thoughts like those. sometimes, when i get really sad, i think of that song by the RHCP. the lyric that says: "I don't ever want to feel like I did that day..." often helps remember the pain of then and how you truly don't want that in the now. sure, it's out of context, but whatever helps, right? today is hard. tomorrow will most like also be. maybe harder, even. but it won't always be that way. it can't be. remember: there was a time when you were perfectly happy without him, and that can happen again, if you are willing to let that happen and to make time your friend. sometimes hope should be one of the first things we give up, you know? PS: have some yummy soup. just eat something, even if it's not a lot. loss of appetite is so common, but it does come back after some days. make sure that you are eating at least something, though, and not lighting and drinking it up all day, like me. no, no, no.
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 The more nutrition you have in you, the better you'll feel. I went through the same thing with my ex-H cheating. It's a minor depression. What I also recommend is to get some exercise. It will make you feel better and stimulate your appetite. It will also make you want to socialize a bit more since right now, you're pulling into yourself. Don't let that happen! As for creative key ideas. Leave them inserted in his car door, in plain view. I wonder what would happen? haha! that would be too awesome... actually i did get a suggestion from a friend to take his car for a spin... lol too vengeful for me though... haha
Author inulg Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 sunshinegirl, thank you!! it's been 2 months since the breakup, and 2 weeks since absolutely no contact with him... i cant help but know that when he got like that, it wasnt *really* him... like.. something else was controlling him... and even he's told me before he's dealing with "issues" in therapy... i'm still not sure what they are, but i hope hes dealing with them... I've been trying to stay active, but its so hard, because its so much easier to just sulk at home... I've been feeling better this past week, and i think things will start to get better soon... (hopefully) carrotgirl, i dont wanna think i just wanna feel better!! I finished eating i love tomatoe soup!! *hugs soup* e.clipse, thank you for all your advice! i hate being a burden, and i hate asking for help :'( its just one of those things that has always been hard for me to do...
carrotgirl Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 inulg, You don't really get a choice about thinking you know. You do it even when you're sleeping. And you know for instance that it doesn't take much thinking to know that when someone beats you that isn't love. Right? Is there really love in the sentence "Show me you love me, kick the shhit out of me?" Carrot
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