Ronni_W Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 He has communication issues and he wants to put them on you! He is passive-aggressive, and doesn't know how to set healthy boundaries for himself. He has anger issues, deeply repressed rage and resentment. He is afraid to make himself vulnerable by sharing his feelings and problems. He somehow put himself in charge of "fixing" whatever problems he thinks you have and ought to be fixing, and then he got frustrated by the futility of his own mixed-up thinking. He is emotionally unavailable and toxic. Is he married? Went through a bad divorce? Cos, since you're not even married, that part of it makes it sound as if he started writing to a whole different person...the person who he is actually angry at and enraged about. His parents? A sibling? Best friend? In which case, you are just the unfortunate target of all his hostility. EVEN IF you just ranted and acted all dramatic and never really wanted to resolve your issues and never gave him proper support and friendship...even if all of that, he still had the responsibility to protect himself from it...and not get to a point of being "drained". And now he wants to blame YOU because he is drained because he doesn't know how to self-care? He is the freakin' drama queen, if you ask me. But. I am left wondering as to what part of this man's er, joyous personality, you will miss now that he has removed himself from your life? He does not wish to be in your life, btw. That message IS loud and clear. Just too bad he doesn't have the skills, compassion and 'nads to deliver it any better than he resorted to. That does suck. I do feel for you.
Author renaissancewoman101 Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 He has communication issues and he wants to put them on you! He is passive-aggressive, and doesn't know how to set healthy boundaries for himself. He has anger issues, deeply repressed rage and resentment. He is afraid to make himself vulnerable by sharing his feelings and problems. He somehow put himself in charge of "fixing" whatever problems he thinks you have and ought to be fixing, and then he got frustrated by the futility of his own mixed-up thinking. He is emotionally unavailable and toxic. Is he married? Went through a bad divorce? Cos, since you're not even married, that part of it makes it sound as if he started writing to a whole different person...the person who he is actually angry at and enraged about. His parents? A sibling? Best friend? In which case, you are just the unfortunate target of all his hostility. EVEN IF you just ranted and acted all dramatic and never really wanted to resolve your issues and never gave him proper support and friendship...even if all of that, he still had the responsibility to protect himself from it...and not get to a point of being "drained". And now he wants to blame YOU because he is drained because he doesn't know how to self-care? He is the freakin' drama queen, if you ask me. But. I am left wondering as to what part of this man's er, joyous personality, you will miss now that he has removed himself from your life? He does not wish to be in your life, btw. That message IS loud and clear. Just too bad he doesn't have the skills, compassion and 'nads to deliver it any better than he resorted to. That does suck. I do feel for you. I miss him partially because he was one of the most romantic, loving and sexual guys I've ever met. And he was also one of the most caring guys I've ever met. He used to always make sure I was ok, do things for me, was there for me, do things the way I wanted it, stay with me, tell me things, feelings, while looking me straight in the eyes. I do agree with you that he can be passive aggressive. But what makes you think he has anger issues, deeply repressed rage and resentment???? I have never seen him get angry and yell at me or fight with me. He would shy away from that. I once got angry with him because of him pulling away from me (this was still when we were dating), and he reacted really weirdly to me, and for a long time, he held that against me, that I got angry at him. So now, he's just gonna kick me to the curb and never talk to me again?? Great!
Ronni_W Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I have never seen him get angry...He would shy away from that. THAT'S the 'repressed' part. We aren't taught how to express anger in healthy ways. Those who dare to show anger at all usually do so through yelling and/or fighting. And those who repress their angry feelings just disown it completely...never show it and shy away from it (and are extremely scared and hurt when they come in contact with it or are the targets of it.) I got the sense that nothing "bad" happened between you two, to precipitate his email. In that context, I just find it to be extremely hostile.
Author renaissancewoman101 Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Ronni W, I do agree with you, the email seems very hostile, and he has never been like this with me. The last time we had an arguement of this nature where he told me he didn't want to be friends with me, I talked to him on the phone and after a while, he told me to give him some space and we could revisit the friendship a few months down the road. I did what he wanted (although it hurt me terribly), and left him alone. I dated and such (nothing panned out:( ) and I would write about it on my Facebook which I knew he would read. Eventually after a few months, we did re-establish our friendship again, but it has never been the same. I am really scared this time, he is truly and finally DONE with me. Yeah, I know I can be an annoyance and a stubborn person who doesn't want to change and someone who makes people not want to be with me because of my endless problems and my depressive personality. But, he knew that in the beginning, how I was. I never hid it from him. I was honest about that, and he promised he would always be there for me, even as friends. I truly thought he meant that
Storyrider Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 It seems like he can't tell you he's angry at the time it happens, so he's stuffing it and sending it to you later in an email. In that sense I see the repressed anger also. I really think that girlfriends are ten times better than guys to vent about problems with, as they will happily listen and then vent their own stuff back, all without expecting forward movement as much as a guy would. Also, if you have romantic interest in him, venting to him is treating him more like a girlfriend, so will take you in the opposite direction from the one you want.
Nevermind Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 renaissance: So, he left you for another girl. And now he is cancelling friendship? Let him. He isn't worth it. I am/was in a similar situation and I really tried to keep some sort of amicable contact. It didn't work, in fact it blew right up in my face. After this e-mail he would have to get in contact with you, everything else will drive him farther away. Likely, it's not even your fault, but bottled up anger with a hint of guilt. His problem, not yours. Let him go. Set yourself free.
justaman99 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 \I feel the exact same way about my ex. She is a pain in the as* and I dealt with her negativity for way too long. She took her unhappiness out on me and here I sit, a broken shell of a man. Once again kiz, I feel the same as you......
Author renaissancewoman101 Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 It's hard. I miss chatting with him on the phone. I usually call him on Sundays. There were a few times that we did have nice, few hour long conversations where we laughed and had good conversation. I really don't want things to end this way. It's hard to explain. The last time I left him alone and didn't contact him was for almost four months and it hurt like hell, but then I also had the hope that we could rebuild our friendship since, at that time, all he asked was for me to give him a few months and let him be, but that I could call or email him if I wanted (I didn't contact him much, except to send him a bday card). Now, there is no "hope" given of a few months down the road. I don't want to shut the door on this. I don't think I will ever understand what I did to destroy the friendship besides wanting to talk every week.
Author renaissancewoman101 Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 Why? What does he offer you? He's telling you he's not capable of being there for you during hard times. Is that the sort of friend you want? Really? Star Gazer, do you mean this question? If so, reason I want his friendship is that he HAS been there for me during some of my hard times. He has supported me and urged me to improve my life, but then when I DID try to improve my life and take some of his suggestions into play, he dropped a bombshell on me and decided not to date me any more. That hurt. But he stayed on in my life as my friend and we hung out as friends. It hurt like hell, but he didn't leave me. Sometimes I think he wanted to leave me and hoped I would move on. He didn't want to hurt my feelings or else he didn't want to look like the bad guy so he pulled back slowly, hoping I would move on. I didn't. But then there were times that he was nice to me and friendly to me, like he DID want to stay my friend. I dunno. I guess I don't know how much of a friendship people can have with ex's. I am still very close friends with my first ex, but that's a whole 'nother story. I'm not sure why I still want him in my life. Maybe because I still have some feelings for him. I dunno. Maybe because I'm lonely out here and have had a hard time making friends out here. I tend to be a loner and although I am friendly and nice, I have a hard time making friends because I tend to do things by myself and isolate myself.
Ronni_W Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I'm not sure why I still want him in my life. Maybe because I still have some feelings for him. I dunno. Another part of why he will be 'nice' to keep around may relate to his original complaint -- he played the role of a really good & convenient "sounding board" where you could relieve and release all sorts of stress and emotional "stuff"(?) Almost like a therapist, except he didn't have the skills/training to stay detached and unaffected. I don't know. Just a thought that popped in.
ianandris Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 This quote, I think, is telling: I guess I shouldn't have told him so much about my issues. But there really was not much else to talk about. If there's nothing to say, why force it? If the relationship is meant to work, either there will be plenty to talk about, or the silence will be a non issue. Filling the conversational void with your problems is just about the worst thing you can do for a relationship, friendship or otherwise. It's fine to get help when you need it, but the dude's right, talking about your problems incessantly is no way to fix them. I did the same thing with my ex. Rather than let the silence be or to get off the phone if there was nothing to say, I filled the void with musings about the difficulties I was facing. Of course, it backfired. It wasn't the reason she left, but there is no doubt that it contributed to it. These people, while we can rely on them, are NOT therapists, and when they begin to feel like they're filling that role, they head for the hills. Talking incessantly about our problems makes us appear needy, weak, and flawed. Is that the sort of person YOU would want to date? When it comes down to it, though, this is the real problem: I really don't want to lose him out of my life. You reacted to the fear of losing him rather than letting the chips fall where they may. This led to insecurity which led to you coming up with something to talk about ANYTHING to talk about so that you could keep him on the phone because, subconsciously, you were afraid that if you let him go, he'd never come back. While I totally understand that feeling, it's, seriously, poison for any sort of relationship, friendship, or whatever. Friendships, relationships only thrive when we accept that they can end at any time, and we're okay with that. Being okay with it doesn't mean that we won't feel sad if it were to end, or that we'd feel indifferent. It means just that. You're okay with it. To illustrate being "okay with it": My mom passed away when I was 15. Would I rather have her alive and well? Definitely. Are there times I wish she was around? You bet. But, I'm okay with the fact that she's gone. There's nothing I can do about it, nothing I could do about it, but I'm okay with it. I've picked myself up and moved on. I grieved, but the time for grieving was over years and years ago. Now, I'm okay with it. I think, with relationships, in some ways we have to be over them to be in them, if that makes any sense. You have to *know* that your life will be fine with or without the object of your desire. I think that comes as you understand that, hands down, the most important person in your life is YOU.
Author renaissancewoman101 Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Inandris, I think you hit the nail on the spot. Yes, I was afraid to end conversations, although I usually ended the call first. Whenever we had that lull in our conversation, it scared me because I didn't know what to talk about, and he seemed deliberate in NOT talking to me about things, his issues, etc., because it seemed like he didn't want to continue the conversation (but he wasn't going to tell me that), and I got scared. And yes, I reacted to the fear of losing him. I already lost him in a dating relationship, and our friendship went on the rocks for four months last summer where he told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. That freaked me out. I gave him NC and let him alone. That four months, I dated and went on with my life as much as possible, but I was very sad, and felt very empty. My dating life went no where and I found no relationship. When he dropped hints that he was open to a friendship again, I was very cautious and we did build upon a friendship again, and then I had some personal and medical issues I had to struggle through. I leaned on him and he was there for me, which helped. I guess I got used to having him in my life again and just wanted the chatty friendliness that we had before. And now it has come to this. I hurt a lot. I was crying about this on Sunday night. No I haven't called him or emailed. I really DON'T want this to end this way. He is a good guy and I feel like I let someone slip out of my hands due to my stupidity. I just wish he could have told me how frustrated and upset he was at having the conversations with me. I would have cut it down. He used to tell me, "if you want to call me, call me, you don't need to ponder on it or think on it, if I'm not busy, I'll answer the phone, otherwise, I'll call you back" (and he was always good about calling back until recently). I really wish I could have read the writing on the wall. It is very hard to be friends with an ex, and I've failed.
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