How would you interpret this?

[renaissancewoman101]

Awhile back I had a romantic relationship with someone that lasted only 4 months. When it ended, I was devastated since I fell in love with him and still like him a lot. He ended up finding somoene else, but we stayed friends and hung out with each other regularly and talked via email and phone regularly. That petered out for a while, but then recently (earlier this year), we resumed emailing and chatting on the phone. Things were great and he helped me through some personal problems in my life, but a lot of times our conversations were one sided, where he didn't really want to talk about his life and so, in order to avoid lulls and uncomfortable silences, I would chat about my life and my problems (BTW, I always asked about how he was doing and to talk to me about his problems if he ever needed to and I MEANT that). He would always say he was ok and then turn the question on me to see how I was doing.

 

I recently hung out with him for about an hour and we chatted and talked. It was nice. He was friendly and seemed happy to see me. I called him again later that week, but instead of returning my call in an hour or so, he took two days to return the call (I wasn't really upset), we chatted, laughed, stuff like that, then I called him this week and he didn't return my call at all. I was upset about that and worried. Today, he wrote me an email and this is what he siad:

 

It recently dawned on me that this doesn’t work for me.

 

 

 

Believe it or not, I have personal issues to cope with, but my methods differ from yours. I actually try to resolve or adapt to problems. You often ask me about my issues but I feel uncomfortable venting, since that’s no solution. No, I don’t have everything going for me.

 

 

 

I once was optimistic that you could get your life straightened out, but I clearly see you’ll always cling to the drama of whatever fate brings. It’s unfair to expect you to do anything you don’t want, like therapy, divorce or taking charge of your own life. It just makes you angry if I suggest these things, so I’m through meddling.

 

 

 

Please consider my feelings. I have a sick mother, a close friend battling cancer, and other matters I don’t care to discuss. A session of hearing your woes makes me feel frustrated and depressed, while you seem soothed. I feel drained.

 

I have NO idea how to interpret this email. Is he trying to stop being friends with me? If he felt drained by it, he should have told me, and I did try to talk about fun stuff too. Not always bad things. I asked him about fun stuff he did, and he didn't really want to discuss this.

 

I really want to keep this friendship. How would you interpret this?

[kizik]

You're right, it sounds like the R was incredibly one-sided. Mine was similar. My ex talked my ear off each day during an LDR about her woes, giving me little chance to talk about what I wanted to. He should have told you? Judging by his email, he didn't feel comfortable telling you these things - he knew you would get angry.

 

I am willing to guess that he feels incredibly used by you and has had an as*-full of trying to comfort you. He is resentful and done. He feels "drained". I feel the exact same way about my ex. She is a pain in the as* and I dealt with her negativity for way too long. She took her unhappiness out on me and here I sit, a broken shell of a man.

 

Please leave him alone. It's the best thing you can do. He doesn't wanna be friends. You hurt him too much.

[renaissancewoman101]

I didn't dump him, he left me for someone else, but we kept a friendship going.

I was always open to him confiding in me and talking to me about his life, always. AND he KNOWs that. He even acknowledges that in the email, but then he says that he didn't feel comfortable talking to me about things.

 

He has always known that I would be there for him. He's known me for almost three years and knows that I am a good friend to people and would definitely be a good friend to him since I care a lot for him.

[kizik]

OK. Fine. You asked how we would interpret this - he doesn't want a friendship. And whether or not he acknowledged you saying he should feel free to open up to you - he doesn't feel free, and he doesn't wanna talk about personal stuff with you.

 

Look, this thing is over, and trying to be friends will only hurt you. To save yourself from hurt, you need to go your separate ways and not contact him. To me, it sounds like he doesn't trust you much with his emotions.

 

This guy has a new chick! You gotta leave him alone, ren...

[Storyrider]

He feels like you're a bottomless pit of neediness.

[renaissancewoman101]

thanks!

 

"a bottomless pit of neediness" wasn't what I was trying to portray. I wanted things to be good between us, as friends.

 

And btw, we have stayed friends even when he was dating this new chick. She knows about our friendship and, for a while there, she and I were on good terms.

[Star Gazer]

It sounds to me that while he enjoys your friendship and company, he doesn't like the substance of what it's become lately. He wants something easy, breezy, carefree, not complicated. Perhaps he looks to you to remember good times to escape his "issues" which cause him grief. Unfortunately, when he talks to you, all he hears is bad stuff.......

 

See where I'm going with this?

[kizik]

I wanted things to be good between us, as friends.

 

I think it's best when neither party is interested in being friends. Sure, my ex and I entertained the idea, but as time went on it became increasingly apparent that there's no point. She don't call me, I don't call her. It's great! (sarcasm)

 

Friends is never going to be enough when you've shared a bed with someone. When you've showered with them and told your deepest emotions to them. You will always want the romance.

 

If you let someone go completely, you can get over them a lot quicker. In fact, you may NEVER get over someone you stay in constant contact with.

[renaissancewoman101]

It sounds to me that while he enjoys your friendship and company, he doesn't like the substance of what it's become lately. He wants something easy, breezy, carefree, not complicated. Perhaps he looks to you to remember good times to escape his "issues" which cause him grief. Unfortunately, when he talks to you, all he hears is bad stuff.......

 

See where I'm going with this?

 

 

Yes, I see where you are going with that. I guess I shouldn't have told him so much about my issues. But there really was not much else to talk about. He didn't want to talk about his life, he just touched on it briefly. I did talk about some of the things I was involved in, like taking art class and such, and we did have good conversations over that.

 

Kizik, do you think, subconsciously deep down inside, I DO want the romance back? Our "relationship" ended almost two years ago. No chance for the romance ever coming back. The friendship was better in the beginning, and lately, it's been downhill.

 

Although I hung out with my friend recently for a little bit and we seemed to have a good conversation, laughable and funny.

 

I really don't want to lose him out of my life.

[sunshinegirl]

I once was optimistic that you could get your life straightened out, but I clearly see you’ll always cling to the drama of whatever fate brings. It’s unfair to expect you to do anything you don’t want, like therapy, divorce or taking charge of your own life. It just makes you angry if I suggest these things, so I’m through meddling.

 

Are you married? Why is he saying he expected you to divorce?

[renaissancewoman101]

No, I'm not married. I don't know why he put that in there.

[kizik]

Kizik, do you think, subconsciously deep down inside, I DO want the romance back?

 

Of course you do. Doesn't matter how much time has elapsed since the breakup. You need to really start being honest with yourself. Stop trying to convince yourself you don't want a R with him.

 

Stop trying to intellectualize your feelings. Simply feel them. There is no shame in loving someone, even if they don't love you. We feel what we naturally feel. It's OK. It's OK to be in pain, to love, to hate. But at some point you have to get up and go about your life and not let that ex, and your feelings for that ex, control you.

[renaissancewoman101]

I still do care about my friend a lot. I'm just torn about everything right now. I have a pet that is sick right now. Is the only thing left to do is to let him go? Can we ever have that friendship back? I don't know what else I have done wrong, except maybe be too clingy.

[kizik]

The worst thing ANY of us on this board can do is to contact the ex.

[Star Gazer]

I really don't want to lose him out of my life.

 

Why? What does he offer you? He's telling you he's not capable of being there for you during hard times. Is that the sort of friend you want? Really?

[Ariadne]

How would you interpret this?

 

It sounds like to him you are kind of a pain.

 

(You know, those friends that only complain and whine etc etc).

 

And on the other hand, he is completely closed to you. Having a sick mother and a friend with cancer, would give him plenty of things to share with you if he wanted to.

 

But instead, he prefers not to talk about it.

 

I'd say is hopeless.

[Storyrider]

Look, I'm not trying to be harsh, but how much more plainly could he tell you?

 

See what he wrote:

 

this doesn’t work for me.

 

There is nothing to intpret about that statement. The relationship brings him more stress than enjoyment.

 

 

Believe it or not, I have personal issues to cope with, but my methods differ from yours. I actually try to resolve or adapt to problems. You often ask me about my issues but I feel uncomfortable venting, since that’s no solution. No, I don’t have everything going for me.

 

He doesn't like to talk about his problems just for the sake of burning off steam. He likes to move forward and solve them. He feels you have no desire to change and just want to complain. He finds this increasingly frustrating.

 

I once was optimistic that you could get your life straightened out, but I clearly see you’ll always cling to the drama of whatever fate brings. It’s unfair to expect you to do anything you don’t want, like therapy, divorce or taking charge of your own life. It just makes you angry if I suggest these things, so I’m through meddling.

 

He suggests solutions and you just talk in circles about the same problems.

 

Please consider my feelings. I have a sick mother, a close friend battling cancer, and other matters I don’t care to discuss. A session of hearing your woes makes me feel frustrated and depressed, while you seem soothed. I feel drained.

 

You have an endless list of complaints and at the same time, any solution he suggests goes in one ear and out the other. It brings him down. He feels bad when he gets off the phone with you.

 

I have NO idea how to interpret this email.

You're not listening if you can't interpret this. There is nothing vague about it.

[johan]

I'd have to hear the conversations to know whether he has a point or whether he is just being critical. It seems odd that he wouldn't have told you he was bothered at the time he was bothered, instead of writing an email after sort of ignoring you for a while. Or I guess it's not odd. It's more that he didn't have the ability to tell you on the spot.

 

It doesn't matter though. The point is he feels this way. You used your judgment to choose the topics when you spoke with him, and maybe it was just too heavy for him. For someone else maybe it wouldn't be that way. Or maybe they would tell you to lighten up. And maybe someone else would have been more forthcoming. It's a mismatch. I recommend you just let it go.

 

You should be able to vent your problems to a friend. And you should expect them to listen. You should also not overload the relationship with your problems. And a friend would tell you when you're overloading it.

[Star Gazer]

Look, I'm not trying to be harsh, but how much more plainly could he tell you?

 

See what he wrote:

 

this doesn’t work for me.

 

There is nothing to intpret about that statement. The relationship brings him more stress than enjoyment.

 

 

Believe it or not, I have personal issues to cope with, but my methods differ from yours. I actually try to resolve or adapt to problems. You often ask me about my issues but I feel uncomfortable venting, since that’s no solution. No, I don’t have everything going for me.

 

He doesn't like to talk about his problems just for the sake of burning off steam. He likes to move forward and solve them. He feels you have no desire to change and just want to complain. He finds this increasingly frustrating.

 

I once was optimistic that you could get your life straightened out, but I clearly see you’ll always cling to the drama of whatever fate brings. It’s unfair to expect you to do anything you don’t want, like therapy, divorce or taking charge of your own life. It just makes you angry if I suggest these things, so I’m through meddling.

 

He suggests solutions and you just talk in circles about the same problems.

 

Please consider my feelings. I have a sick mother, a close friend battling cancer, and other matters I don’t care to discuss. A session of hearing your woes makes me feel frustrated and depressed, while you seem soothed. I feel drained.

 

You have an endless list of complaints and at the same time, any solution he suggests goes in one ear and out the other. It brings him down. He feels bad when he gets off the phone with you.

 

 

You're not listening if you can't interpret this. There is nothing vague about it.

 

Good job breaking that down, SR. I agree completely.

[Ariadne]

Ok,

 

Since I'm bored today:

 

------------

 

It recently dawned on me that this doesn’t work for me.

 

I have no interest in a friendship with you that's why I didn't return your call and here I try to explain.

 

Believe it or not, I have personal issues to cope with, but my methods differ from yours. I actually try to resolve or adapt to problems.

 

Here he is calling you inept.

 

You often ask me about my issues but I feel uncomfortable venting, since that’s no solution.

 

Because you'll try and tell him what to do and he doesn't like that.

 

No, I don’t have everything going for me.

 

He feels like you resent him for keeping it together.

 

I once was optimistic that you could get your life straightened out, but I clearly see you’ll always cling to the drama of whatever fate brings.

 

Here he is calling you a drama queen that makes mountains of mole hills.

 

It’s unfair to expect you to do anything you don’t want, like therapy, divorce or taking charge of your own life. It just makes you angry if I suggest these things, so I’m through meddling.

 

He doesn't know what to do with you and feels like he can't help.

 

Please consider my feelings. I have a sick mother, a close friend battling cancer, and other matters I don’t care to discuss.

 

If he felt closer to you, there's a million things that he could share. It doesn't have to mean for you to find solutions for him, but just sharing feelings.

 

A session of hearing your woes makes me feel frustrated and depressed, while you seem soothed. I feel drained.

 

You are exhausting and I want you away. Leave me alone, please.

[grogster]

He does not enjoy his time with you; in fact, he finds it stressful and burdensome.

 

The e-mail was his final good-bye.

 

He's not being coy, clever or manipulative. He wants you to know that your relationship with him, regardless of its present form, must end.

 

Move on.

[renaissancewoman101]

I know I sound like the insensitive jerk in this "friendship". I really did try to keep the friendship on an even keel, where I wanted to be there for him for things, listen to him, give him ideas, etc. BESIDES just burdening him with my problems. I know that is a friendship KILLER. I've seen it happen before with my friends and it has also served to kill friendships for me when friends just use me as a sounding board and nothing else. Also, sometimes friends just look to each other to sound off issues, not necessarily look for actual advice.

 

I sometimes feel like he closed himself off to me long ago, but that he didn't want to be the one to tell me he didn't want to be friends with me and to never contact him again. Last year when this happened, where he and I had a fight over some issues, he told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. But I talked to him on the phone and he said, give it a few months and see what happens. At that time, he DID say that I could call or write him if I needed to. I didn't. I gave him the 4 months space and really left him alone. But I kept reading up on his Facebook so I could keep track of how his life was doing, since he did update that occasionally. I cried a lot, tried to date (no success), and just was very sad but left him alone. After four months, he dropped hints that he wanted to see how I was doing, esp after I had written on my Facebook about another disastrous date I went on. So, we met up and hung out and re-established the friendship (platonic). And then it morphed into talking on the phone and emailing.

 

I sometimes feel he slowly pulled himself away from me, very slowly, and was hoping I would find someone else and move on. I tried, but it didn't work, and I do trust him and think the world of him.

 

I'm afraid to let this go. It hurts me.

 

Do you really think he never wants to talk to me again? Or if my life gets better and I pull my life together, then we can talk again?

[renaissancewoman101]

After seeing so many different interpretations of that email, I get the picture, he finds me a burden and he thinks I am a drama queen that doesn't know how to improve her life or WONT improve her life. I get that.

 

I just wish it didn't have to end with our friendship ending over this.

 

Honestly, I did try to be a good friend. I really did, unless I don't know what the hell I am doing.

 

I do care about him, despite what you guys may say.

 

Is the only solution to this, is me moving on and never talking to him again. Could he calm down and not be upset with me, with some time passing?

[Ariadne]

I know I sound like the insensitive jerk in this "friendship". I really did try to keep the friendship on an even keel, where I wanted to be there for him for things, listen to him, give him ideas, etc. BESIDES just burdening him with my problems.

 

Btw,

 

I never thought you were that, and it seems to me like that guy is pretty much shut down to you.

 

Easy breezy only friendships suck, with friends you should be able to share it all.

 

Good luck.

[renaissancewoman101]

I have tried to be the fun, upbeat friend too, like asking him to hang out, do fun things, chat about fun things, but he never seemed to bite on that, and it just seemed like a one-sided conversation with that. I am not always a Debbie Downer. I do have a fun side to me too.

 

Adriane, you are correct, "easy-breezy" friendships do suck, no substance to it. Maybe there really was no hope for a "friendship" after the romance died.

 

I am sorry I post about this so long, I am having a bad day today because of this.