Need to get off my chest...

[hurtingheart]

O.K., so here goes, I've been a lurker now for almost a month, basically since my girlfriend tossed me out of our apartment and LS has been a place where I have felt comfort in coming.

 

So here is my story and I hope anyone can chime in if they like.

 

I began dating this girl in July '06. It really happened out of the blue. I asked her to go to Cali with me, we are located in Las Vegas, and amazingly she said yes. We worked together at the time.

 

Anyhow, from that point on we were inseperable. Had so much fun and good times together. It was truly a wonderful relationship. We both had our insecurities but we both continued to work through them together.

 

However, last May I found out that my dad had cancer and only months to live. I made it back to the East coast to be with my dad for his final two months, he died in October.

 

It really destroyed me seeing my father die. I was his only son and he loved me so much. My girlfriend, although back in Vegas, was always a phone call away. She always told me how strong I was and how much she valued that in me. It was almost like she looked up to me for those characteristics.

 

I even flew her in to see him on his deathbed and he told her how happy he was that I had found someone as special as her. Almost giving us his final talk as a couple. It really touched me.

 

Well, after his death we moved in together shortly thereafter. Things were very good at first but then my depression got in the way. I started being very needy of her.

 

We spent virtually every single moment not at work together. She was struggling with some of her past friendships and didn't have anywhere to turn so she really leaned on me too. I was the boyfriend, best friend, pretty much everything.

 

My mom ended up having a stroke in April right after we had gone back again to see my family. This again brought out so many helpless feelings in me and I was destroyed mentally at this point. I didn't know if I should move back East and be with my family or stay with the girlfriend that I knew I loved completely.

 

Well, on Memorial Day she broke up with me. She has a lot of issues that she was dealing with, the lease was due to expire and be renewed in few days and she said she didn't know if I was ever going to be happy again, which in turn would make her miserable. She said that she had lost her spunk and was scared of the person she was turning into now.

 

Throughout the year, I was having plenty of panic attacks and not the person that I have been throughout my life.

 

I got my stuff out of the apartment the first day off I had. When I dropped my key off to her, we had a great conversation. We were toasting beers and laughing and hitting it off.

 

Anyway, my question is do you guys think that she may be worth waiting for. I'm working hard at improving myself. At the time of the breakup all I could think to myself was you can't hurt me anymore than I've already been this year. It just seemed like par for the course at that point.

 

I had actually been so numb since my father's death that it actually felt good to have powerful feelings again, even if they were hurtful. I at least knew I was alive and kicking.

 

We both came to the conclusion that we are both the most wonderful people we've ever met but it was just to much to handle being in a relationship whenever we were both really depressed and had to worry about how the other one was doing, like I said she was dealing with personal issues that made her struggle with confidence and self-esteem.

 

I love her with all my heart and after we broke up she sent me a text saying that this is so difficult because we both know that we love each other.

 

Contact has been very minimal, such as I have your spare car key or what not.

 

What is the next step I should take. Just wait it out and see if anything ever occurs or just try and forget that she existed for two years and that she helped me unconditionaly through the toughest part of my life?

 

Thanks for the information and thanks LS for being such a comfort at such a crappy time. By the way, I'm 30 and she is 26.

[Ronni_W]

Just wait it out and see if anything ever occurs or just try and forget that she existed for two years and that she helped me unconditionaly through the toughest part of my life?

It isn't often recommended to "wait it out" -- I'd rather suggest that you accept it as over, and work through your feelings about the break-up.

 

Personally, I would not want to "forget" that I have been in relationship with a "most wonderful" person who offered me unconditional support when I needed it most. Actually, I wouldn't even want to try, nor do I even know if it would be possible to do.

 

You can let go of the pain of past relationships and experiences without necessarily having to give up the positive aspects that helped you grow and be the person you are today. You can also choose to use positive prior experiences to help you be even happier and more successful in the future.

 

Best of luck.

[carrotgirl]

hh, this may be completely off base, but is it possible that your ex wanted you to ask her to come with you east to your family's as your fiancee or wife?

 

Carrot

[hurtingheart]

It's a real strange situation. Whenever I was back East with my ailing father we were missing each other amazingly and I told her that there is a question I'm going to ask her. She got all excited and everything.

 

We had talked marriage plenty before that but I had never hinted about asking anytime soon until that point.

 

She even set it up that I could ask her dad, who was visiting the area over X-mas, for permission. Something I definitely wanted to do but wanted to do it face to face.

 

Well, I didn't ask her over Valentine's or her birthday (a week after Valentine's) and I think it confused her. I was planning on asking this summer at the beach, the sight of our first date and her favorite place to be.

 

Anyhow, after I missed my two opportunities she said to me that she didn't want me to ask her to get married right now. She was searching for a career and was in a real funk at the time, very confused of what she wanted to do with herself. That caused a lot of insecurities in her.

 

I told her that is fine. I understand. I told her she needed to be happy with who she is before making a committment like that. We were in agreement about it.

 

Then in late April she told me on a plane ride that I can ask her now if I would like. It made me happy and again I was planning for the summer.

 

She had just recently made a decision to enroll for a new college in the area after this. She was happy.

 

My mom had a stroke after that and I knew she was very excited for her new endeavor.

 

She had already been through so much for me that it would have been unfair for me to ask her to move somewhere that would have continued her stagnation as a person, which is what she was truly concerned about. Plus, I knew that she needed to make herself happy and that I could only do so much.

 

At times she wanted to marry me, at times she was very concerned with where her life was at from an individual standpoint, and at others I was to concerned with myself.

 

However, I've always wanted to be with her for the rest of our lives and I believe deep down she wanted the same thing.

 

I know that is a lot of info to comb through but I wanted to give the gist of everything. It's a strange situation.

[carrotgirl]

Not a lot of information. About what I guessed at. She waited. You didn't come through. Understandable from your POV, and yet from her POV, life goes on.

 

I've been in both sets of shoes. I delayed when my family was sick, injured and dying. After a couple of years of not marrying, he moved on.

 

Later I was the one waiting when my then fiance's mother was sickly and sadly, did pass away. He couldn't get it together and after a few years, I was the one who moved on. We are still close friends and recently, he and his wife honored me and asked me to be Godmother to their newest addition.

 

The bottom line is that had either of those situations seen a willingness to take a risk with the other person, we would have been together. The family crises were very reasonable excuses, but to be fair, they were excuses. Life keeps moving and the sun sets whether we're ready or not. This is your life now. The good, the bad, the births, the deaths. The choices you make.

 

I would recommend no grand gestures at this time, but if this is the woman you want to be with, grab your balls, print out this thread and go talk. You had her side of the conversation in your head. Stop doing that. Ask her first if she'll hear you? Then ask would she consider transferring. There are a lot of good schools in the east you know...

 

You don't have to talk a lot. Just put your heart on the table so to speak and then listen. She put her heart out there for you. She also took charge of her future and this is really great! You both can see you are capable of taking care of your own needs. It takes some people a lifetime to learn this. She sounds really great.

 

She can keep doing that and so can you and you can still be together. Your ex was disappointed that (seemingly) the marriage wasn't to be and either too kind-hearted or too proud or possibly a mixture of both to tell you so directly. It's honest. It happens. It sucks. But it happens.

 

Bring some kind of finger edible fruit like seedless grapes with you. It gives the hands and mouths something to do just in case. If you're feeling bold, bring a bottle of bubbly. It may just be you need to be very, very straightforward. It may be you will be rejected. But then, you're both already feeling rejected so anything better than rejection is going to be an improvement. For me, it certainly is better than passively defaulting on a good thing.

 

Carrot

[hurtingheart]

but I don't think it would do any good at this point. I think she had built it up in her head that I wasn't right for her in order for her to have the guts to break up with me.

 

I can't say I blame her for doing that.

 

We were friendly texting one night a couple of weeks afterward and I told her that she must not realize how much I care about her. It was a stupid statement on my part, I know. And she responded that the problem is she doesn't feel that way about her self, only sad and disgusted in herself.

 

At that point, I apologized for saying that and have not made any outrageous statements like that since. We have friendly emailed a few times but nothing in terms of us as a couple. More just friendly chit chat stuff.

 

She always tells me how much our cats miss me. And the last thing she texted me that night when I told her how I feel is that "We miss you a lot", meaning her and the cats.

 

I'm not sure what to do. Maybe email her a few times a month, go completely no contact, ask her to see me. I will figure it out. I don't think the timing is right to express to her how much I want to be with her. Whenever she texts me a question or something I'm usually very short and to the point.

 

Thank you for the advice though. Interesting that you have been through something very similar. I just never wanted to make any huge decisions in my life while still trying to grieve.

[carrotgirl]

hh, It sounds like you have made your decision and you've already decided she wasn't the right one for you.

 

It's valid even if it's sad. If you can live with the choice with no regrets that is all that matters.

 

It's never easy losing a parent. It will be a long time before you start feeling whole. It's not wrong. It's just how some of us are.

 

If you're brave enough to hear some real wisdom from someone who knows the situation better, I expect your mother would be the best person for you to communicate with about this really. You're both at difficult, interesting places in your lives. It's a time when you are forced by circumstance to be honest with yourselves and each other in ways parents and children (and most people) usually aren't.

 

I'm so sorry hh. For your losses, for your distress. For life smacking you in the face. You're going to be okay though. You will be better than okay.

 

Carrot

[hurtingheart]

That isn't the case at all. I know that she is right for me. I'm just not sure that I'm right for her at this point in life. I'm going to have a ton of regrets but I would also have plenty of regrets if I pursued her and she ended up not being able to stand me. I truly want her in my life forever.

[carrotgirl]

BTW, that was the edited for the in flight movie I know where you're coming from response. Let me know if you're interested in the director's cut.

 

Where-ish back east are your people?

 

Carrot.

[hurtingheart]

I'm from Pennsylvania and she is from Maryland. We ended up meeting in Las Vegas, which is really wierd.

 

P.S. - Did you read my above post?

[carrotgirl]

Pennsylvania. Maryland. It figures.

 

Yah. I read it. So what's it gonna be? If you're chill with this decision do we really need to talk it out any more?

 

Or are you ready for the a$$ kicking you want but won't ask for?

 

Carrot

[hurtingheart]

I'm not chill with my decision. That is why I am here. LOL

 

What I'm thinking of doing (she is a French major) is writing out a hand-written letter in French stating some things that I want to tell her. I feel like it would be very romantic to do that considering I don't know any French at all.

 

I'm just don't know exactly what to say. It's scary. However, I'm already hurt right now I guess it can only happen again and then I let her walk away. What do you think?

[carrotgirl]

I'm not chill with my decision. That is why I am here. LOL

 

What I'm thinking of doing (she is a French major) is writing out a hand-written letter in French stating some things that I want to tell her. I feel like it would be very romantic to do that considering I don't know any French at all.

 

I'm just don't know exactly what to say. It's scary. However, I'm already hurt right now I guess it can only happen again and then I let her walk away. What do you think?

I think you're about to hear some things you don't want to hear.

But it's okay. Just remember it takes one to know one.

 

You're the oldest? Or the oldest boy because you're the only boy...? Two? or three sisters? But you're the one who is responsible. For whatever reason, you're the one who feels the need to BE responsible. Because it's the right thing to do. You had your away time out west. Now it's time to be responsible.

 

Because let's face it. You like to be right. Who doesn't? But you don't just like it. Your thing isn't ego. You need it. Because if you don't do what you know is right then how will you ever know what to do when you're unsure... So you need to do what you know is the right thing to do. And, it's inarguable. What's right is right and who doesn't do what's right? It's your guide when all else fails. It's your protection when you're afraid.

 

And there is a whole world out there you're afraid of. It's not the world everyone else is afraid of. You're strong and capable with the shhit most people can't handle. You're clueless and scared shhitless about the things other people seem to take for granted. You are scared to death of making a mistake and losing out and so? You're losing out because you're scared to make a mistake.

 

Look, the truth is, you're looking for a romantic proposal that she can't refuse. You want your fantasy of how it's all supposed to be. You could be the most irresistible guy in the world. You could get a friend to write your French for you. You could send a letter through Babelfish. You could do a lot of stuff that takes TIME.

 

You're stalling for time because you're afraid. You're not afraid of her. You're afraid of not being good enough. And you're afraid of being afraid. You're so afraid of being afraid that you can't own it. Because what if you give in to it? What if you can't handle it? What if you get sucked into that dark place and then you won't be there to take care of what you need to. Who will take care of mom?

 

What if what if what if while time keeps marching on. And she's got her own fears. But you have a choice to make and it's this. What is more important? Having everything at the right time in the right place? Or throwing your hands up and saying, okay, life is messy and I'm not going to get my perfect how it's supposed to be proposal but damn! This is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life and MY happiness is worth facing my fear.

 

Stop trying to do her thinking for her. We're barely capable of doing our own best thinking at any given time. Show her the respect and consideration of NOT trying to answer for her those questions you haven't actually ASKED of her huh? Let her rise to the challenge of building a life together with you if that is her choice. All you have to do is give her the option. She can take it or leave it. And she can take it or leave it at any time. You get no guarantees about what she chooses to do.

 

But you get to choose for you. What's the last thing you said to your dad? I will bet you cash the last thing you said was I love you. Do you know what? You're in the minority. You know what else? That's the possibility we live with every day. We just don't think about it because it's maddening. You've got a choice of what the last words you say to anyone will be. You want to know that you will get to say I love you to her every night before you go to sleep.

 

You laid the groundwork. You got your blessing from your dad. You've been ready for ages but you punk out when you don't get your perfect moment. Accept. Perfect isn't in the cards for you. Yah. I know you want it to be perfect for her. But you really want it for you. She would be happy if you just MEANT it and followed through. The perfect moment? it's not happening. Accept and you can start being happy with reality. You don't get to create this particular perfect moment. Not this time. But maybe, the reality and beauty of the moment will be perfect in retrospect because it will be the moment you got.

 

Now quit the shhit and quit making excuses. And grieve all you like but must you grieve AND lose your mate? Since when is that a rule? Just quit that. Ten years from now, 20, 30 years from now you're going to be kicking yourself for not being easier on yourself. So save yourself the aggravation. It's not a foregone conclusion. Why not just take the very honest words you've already written here and bring them to her? Face your fear and let your writing do your speaking.

 

Trust me. Letting her read you wanted to write it in French will be worth far more than making her wait for you to write it half-a$$ed in crap French! Go to France for your honeymoon. But hh? Now is the time to LIVE and live imperfectly. Perfect timing, even good timing, this isn't going to happen for you anytime soon. So you can be happy with the really good things you've got, or you can accept responsibility for one more thing -- letting go.

 

Just choose. And choose now. You've been sitting on this pot long enough.

 

Carrot

[hurtingheart]

Carrot, your post nearly made me cry. It was point on, for sure.

 

I have the letter written in French right now. I did it over the weekend. I don't know if it will work or not, but I'm going to give it a shot. We'll see what happens. Don't know about the proposal but we'll see.

[carrotgirl]

Carrot, your post nearly made me cry. It was point on, for sure.

 

I have the letter written in French right now. I did it over the weekend. I don't know if it will work or not, but I'm going to give it a shot. We'll see what happens. Don't know about the proposal but we'll see.

Bonne chance jeune hurtingheart. Aller. Peut et la force soit avec tu.

 

Carotte