Broke Up/ Heart is Breaking

[jmmm]

hey cuutie

 

you can send me a private message if you want.

[jmmm]

his trip should be over in a few days...i feel like the next few weeks are going to be really hard..if he doesn't contact me within that time frame, that is probably too long of time going by if he wanted to get back or work things out

 

my close friends and family who know what happened say its very cruel to call the night before the trip..it does place a little more significance the fact it was done the night before..and if in the end he doesnt want to work on things, in that small little way he led me on

 

my friend's bf said it seems like there is a feeling it is not over due to the fact he said we will talk but wasn't up for it when i wanted closure, that phone call, and the fact i have little odds and ends at his place.

 

 

just having a bad day and venting......

[jmmm]

another bad night...i feel like it may not be completely over due to his last action..even though i try not to hope and wait, i cant help but have that hope..i just keep waiting for time to pass it seems until i know either way

[jmmm]

is it better to walk away completely if he doesn't contact me again or text him a neutral text regarding the few things i had at his place telling him so and so will call you to find out when to pick it up...or just forget the few things i had and let him possibly wonder for however long how i am etc....

 

in alot of pain

[0hpenelope]

You know, most of us did everything against what we should've done before we finally convinced ourselves of what we needed to do.

 

You want to contact him? You should; get it out of your system and exhaust whatever options you've got. If you find yourself starting all over again with something that you've done that didn't work...

 

NC. What else would there be but NC?

 

Sometimes, LS gets slammed for being so pro-NC. But as I've said in a different thread:

 

• It's hard to ignore the trend of users who say "I can't take this. I need to contact her/him!" and then come back on LS and say "I regret it. Now I'm back in square one." There are exceptions to this and those users who found that LC works for them... just glad to know they found something that works to release them from their pain.
  
• The more you cling to the person so you can show them that you're always going to be there, because you don't want them to forget you... They're going to want to go the opposite direction. Visiting LS reminds me of this: no one wants to be around any Debbie Downers or Sad Lous. They won't forget us; they know how to get in touch with us. Clinging to them is entirely self-serving. It's just to make ourselves feel better.
  

Heck yeah I advocate NC. I don't want anyone thinking I'm needy or clingy - I'm pretty sure that's the same for the majority of members here.

 

Do what you think you need to do. When it's gotten you nowhere, perhaps you may want to take a look at NC a little more seriously...

 

I sympathize with what you're going through.

[jmmm]

i have not contacted him since i called him asking for closure and he texted me saying he wasnt up for talking but we will...that was 2 months ago and i completely disappeared since then

 

if you read my whole thread you will find out he called my friends boyfriend the night before he was leaving on a trip...which in some way made me and my two friends think he may want to work things out...one of the texts i sent to him when he ended it were you will be going away which will be good for you and after it will be a lot better..i think he has been back for a few days and i have not heard anything from him yet.

 

apart of me still has faith and believes him that we will talk.

[0hpenelope]

i have not contacted him since i called him asking for closure and he texted me saying he wasnt up for talking but we will...that was 2 months ago and i completely disappeared since then

 

if you read my whole thread you will find out he called my friends boyfriend the night before he was leaving on a trip...which in some way made me and my two friends think he may want to work things out...one of the texts i sent to him when he ended it were you will be going away which will be good for you and after it will be a lot better..i think he has been back for a few days and i have not heard anything from him yet.

 

apart of me still has faith and believes him that we will talk.

 

I see.

 

I'm sorry for misunderstanding and all the best in your situation.

[jmmm]

i just don't know if i should wait a little bit longer and keep my faith in him keeping his word or be the one to contact him even though he should be contacting me regarding my things and just make it overwith...

[jmmm]

i feel like i donot have closure..i.e not having my belongings back

 

i dont know if i should send a message regarding it and saying so and so will pick it up

 

if he responds back with simply ok, it will probably break my heart again he isn't trying to stop it.

[jmmm]

Should i ask for my things back? Should i text him and say i realize u want this over for good. If u still have this and this So and So can pick it up

 

its been 2 months of no contact from him? Is it a positive move after he called my friends boyfriend a few weeks ago to see how i was?

 

Is it a way to show im trying to just move on and this will be final thing to do--would it make him think at all about if some part of him is holding on?

 

 

Really torn with what to do.

[chacha7]

i know what you are going through. our situations are alike, but different in some ways. both of our ex bfs are older, mine by two years and yours by 10. He sounds like my ex, confused and incapable of being in a relationship. You must not blame yourself. I have a feeling that since he was older he made it seem as though he may have had all of the answers because of his maturity, but in actuality he sounds very immature to me. running away from you on a trip, afraid to make phone calls or at least tell you he needs time after he breaks up with you one the phone. My ex bf just walked out on me on saturday, while I was crying. Now its been 5 days and no call, no email, nothing! He is going through what i call a quarter life crisis, and he would like for me to believe that everything in our relationship is my fault, but i have come to realize, especially through reading the responses to my post, that it was in fact his confusion that lead to this. don't be so hard on yourself. in every relationship, both people do some things that they would like to take back, but in our situations it is clear that we tried so hard, you know? It wasn't us, it was them. Read my post too! I found yours helpful and i think you'll find mine helpful as well, plus I could use more advice! Good luck and remember you deserve better!

[BCCA]

Should i ask for my things back? Should i text him and say i realize u want this over for good. If u still have this and this So and So can pick it up

 

its been 2 months of no contact from him? Is it a positive move after he called my friends boyfriend a few weeks ago to see how i was?

 

Is it a way to show im trying to just move on and this will be final thing to do--would it make him think at all about if some part of him is holding on?

 

 

Really torn with what to do.

 

No, do not send that text. I know how youre feeling, but that sends the message that youre bitter over the split, and there is a chance he could just ignore you, which I'm sure would hurt pretty bad. Just ask a mutual friend to get your stuff, and box up anything he has and get it to him WITHOUT any contact being made. I can promise you this, as some one who experience it first hand: he is not holding onto your stuff because he doesnt want to let go of the relationship. He already did. He just hasnt found it important enough to arrange to send them back. And honestly, if all he has are some cloths/CDs/etc, you may just want to let it go. I've been where you are, and its an ugly place. You invent new and "urgent" reasons you need to contact the ex, and you're doing things hoping to cause a countereaction that you have no control over. Dont do anything hoping its going to trigger some sort of positive reaction from him, because more often than not, youll find yourself dissapointed.

 

As far as calling your friends boyfriend, he might have honestly just been curious how youre doing. He could feel guilty, and just want to ease his mind by hearing that youre fine. He didnt call you, thats the important thing to remember. If he wanted to get in touch with you and talk, he would take the direct route.

 

Dont do this to yourself, you cant keep holding on to something that isnt there. Youll just feel like you're breaking up everyday. I know, Ive been there way too many times. You need to pick up the pieces and just get on with your life. I dont mean to be harsh, but he'll never come back when youre like this. He can feel your intentions, so trying to be tricky wont work. You have to REALLY let go and accept things before they will ever get better.

 

Hang in there.

[jmmm]

i actually didn't think that text sounded bitter....

 

and if he had nothing positive to say then its just gives me final closure

 

one of my friends said it is partly taking control of the situation which may be a good thing

[verve]

Don't do it. It sounds like you're subconsciously trying to look for a reason to have contact with him. I'd advise against it. It'll put him back in your thoughts, set you back a little bit and you'll be hanging by your phone waiting anxiously for a reply. If you don't get one it'll hurt you, if you do get one, you'll probably be disappointed.

 

If you want your stuff, send a neutral third party around for it.

[BCCA]

i actually didn't think that text sounded bitter....

 

and if he had nothing positive to say then its just gives me final closure

 

one of my friends said it is partly taking control of the situation which may be a good thing

 

Closure comes from inside you, not from some one else. If you really have anything else you feel youll regret not saying later, just write it all out in a letter, and mail it to him. Sending him a text that basically says "we're over so give me my stuff back" although well intentioned, to me at least, does sound a little bitter. And you dont need to talk to or see him to get your stuff back.

 

To take control of the situation you need to act indenpendently. What I mean is dont worry about what he says or does anymore, worry about yourself and your needs. I just dont think any of this is going to make you feel any better, and I dont want to see you keep hurting. Dont torture yourself.

[jmmm]

i asked a few people about the message and they said it doesnt sound bitter..

 

to say "i understand why u broke it off and that u want this over completely. So and so can pick up the few things i had there" this sounds bitter?..

 

i feel like if i want my things back to ultimately see if this is over for good--it should come from me and sounds more bitter having a friend call and say she wants her things back....

[BCCA]

i asked a few people about the message and they said it doesnt sound bitter..

 

to say "i understand why u broke it off and that u want this over completely. So and so can pick up the few things i had there" this sounds bitter?..

 

i feel like if i want my things back to ultimately see if this is over for good--it should come from me and sounds more bitter having a friend call and say she wants her things back....

 

Im not telling you what to do or that you would be wrong, but I can see myself in your shoes before, and if I got that message...I would think "she's mad". If you want to send one, which again, I think is a bad idea, but why not just leave out the part about it being over and just say "So and so is going to come grab my stuff."

 

Ok, I know how badly this sucks and how you feel but...its really over for good. You need to accept that and move on. Even if something changed, its likely to take some time and for you to stabilize yourself emotionally. I think you need to be honest with yourself. This isnt about getting your stuff at all, its about making contact and testing his response or trying to cause him to ponder things one last time. If he was at all interested in rekindling with you, he will come to you and try to work things out.

 

Please do what you will, but I PROMISE you as some one who has done many of the "wrong things" in the past that this isnt going to make you any happier. What if he doesnt even respond to your text or just says "fine". Do either of those make this any better? Youll just be back at square one.

 

Im only giving you advice for your own good, I promise. Please dont take anything Ive said as trying to be mean at all. Ive just been there before, and I know what goes through your mind and what you are looking for here, and I just dont think you want to go down that road.

 

Be well

[jmmm]

i'm glad you are responding

 

 

isn't a plain text message just saying so and so is going to get my stuff sound worse? To me, if i received a text like that i would think that one is more bitter or angry...maybe its just me

 

i thought saying I understand the reasons you ended it and that you want this completely over. So and so can grab my things

 

i thought the i understand part shows not anger but acceptance....

 

 

do you personally think that maybe getting my stuff back will tell me its over and now i can just move on

 

would it be better to be silent and continue my disapperance act from him (we donot live near one another, there is no use of myspace etc) or to kind of take control of the situation in a way and show i am ready to move on if this is it for good.. ?....

[BCCA]

i'm glad you are responding

 

 

isn't a plain text message just saying so and so is going to get my stuff sound worse? To me, if i received a text like that i would think that one is more bitter or angry...maybe its just me

 

i thought saying I understand the reasons you ended it and that you want this completely over. So and so can grab my things

 

i thought the i understand part shows not anger but acceptance....

 

 

do you personally think that maybe getting my stuff back will tell me its over and now i can just move on

 

would it be better to be silent and continue my disapperance act from him (we donot live near one another, there is no use of myspace etc) or to kind of take control of the situation in a way and show i am ready to move on if this is it for good.. ?....

 

I know what youre saying, maybe this will be an easier way to explain what Im trying to say. The BEST method of getting your stuff back is to ask some one to grab it for you next time without saying anything to your ex. Then, he would get the point that the gig is up, and youre not making excuses to contact him. You seem like a very sweet person, and I can see so much of myself in you going through this, but dont contact him at all. Its just better. If you have to, and I again advise against it, send him a text saying so and so would pick up your stuff. Saying anything about the relationship at all is just going to make him feel like youre being dramatic to try and make him change his mind, and he is going to pull away HARD. Im not saying youre meaning to sound bitter or dramatic, but all you can do right now is push him farther and farther away. You need to just back off and do your own thing for a while.

 

I think you need to tell yourself its over and do what you need to move on. Its hard because if youre like anyone else, you dont want to believe its over, but look at what youre doing to yourself?

 

The ONLY way to show acceptance is to move on and not worry about what hes going to think about anything you do. Dont care anymore. Move on to put yourself in a better place, and then take it from there.

 

I really wish you the best of luck in all of this. I know how you feel, and I know its easy to rationalize things, but take an objective look at the purpose of what you want to do. If its something youre doing for yourself, than you should proceed, but if youre doing something to cause a reaction or to make him think about anything, its pointless. If he wanted to think about you or come talk, he would. If he wont even make the effort, its just not worth it. Take care of yourself first.

[mscomplex]

Coming from someone who recently went through a breakup (June 2008), I agree with BCCA. My ex purposely left things at my home I think because he wanted a reason to sort of keep me in his life. I decided for myself it wasn't up to him. He basically told me (after wanting a relationship for 20 yrs) that he was so sure. (after us dating for 1 yr) I have known him for so long that if you do not stand up for yourself he will try to see what he can get away with. I do not think he means anything by it, it's just the types of girls he has dealt with that allow him to do this. I took his things by a neutral location when I knew he would not be there enforcing the fact that if you are not sure, I am not going to try to force you to be around me. I knew him not calling to acknowledge receipt of the things were his way of not really admitting things. I made sure to go out of the way to avoid his street (although it is on my way to almost everywhere) and anywhere I thought he would be. After a while he knew where I stood and he started sending me text messages asking how I was. I did not respond and eventually the texts said, I miss you, I love you etc. My neighbor even caught him driving by a few times. While we are now hanging out trying to work on things somewhat, I made a decision to put my happiness 1st and sent him the message (by going NC) that I would not try to find reasons to be in touch. Although it was hard and I was hurting tremendously, I had to do that for myself. If your ex is thinking of you and wants to talk to you, he knows where to find you. I must say, sending a general message about retrieving your things or better yet having someone else contact him for your stuff sends a message that if he is not wanting to be bothered, you will not bother him. He will wonder why you did not do it yourself. This is a lot better than (seemingly) looking for ways to be in touch because that is what he will think. If you go your route, after you get your things, you will still not have that closure and will still have the lingering questions that will not be answered. You will then think of other ways to be in touch and will want to just break down and call and/or text especially if text him about your things and he either sends someone to your home to give them to you or mail them to you. It will hurt you even more. Just have someone else get your things or let them go. I have been in both positions and trust me, when you are really through with someone, you don't care if they keep those things or not. Stay strong. Best wishes either way you go.

[jmmm]

why would someone not have closure after getting things returned to you?

[BCCA]

why would someone not have closure after getting things returned to you?

 

It would be the hollowest victory of all. Trust me, you arent going to feel any better when you have your stuff back. If anything youll just be upset again.

 

Closure comes from you, not him. I have to be honest with you, I feel like you might be just doing this to feel out his reaction more than anything else. If thats the case, I completely understand, because I've done the same thing. Multiple times. The problem is you NEVER get the reaction you were hoping for. It's always 'worst case scenario' and you're never as ready for it as you think. It hurts, bad.

 

I would honestly just let your stuff go unless there is something you really need to have. It wont do you any favors to see your stuff back, trust me. If you have to send some one over to get it, than do that. But dont bother texting him. Just think like this: it's done, the door is closed from YOUR side. Nothing he does or says matters anymore. You're a free woman, go out there and enjoy yourself!

 

[mscomplex]

If I understand your question correctly: IMO: I think you would still be asking yourself why? I know I probably would. Especially if I did not get the reaction "I" wanted. If someone just gave me my things and no explanation or regrets about the break up accompanied it I would feel like, he just handed everything over in a box. I just personally feel that the way I did things worked for me and I was able to regain a little control I felt I had lost. Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you. I think the fact that you want so adamantly to do this, maybe you should. Just make sure you explore all outcomes. I may or may not be what you want. You know your ex better than anyone who has responded to this thread. After all of this, he may be happy to hear from you (Stranger things have happened) but brace your self for if he does not react favorably. Either way, no matter what anyone says, it's your decision. I like good news so I hope it brings you the closure you want.

[jmmm]

i just wonder if i will regret it either way...if i don't send the text maybe a few months from now i will wonder--what if i did send it, leave a window of opportunity open for him to say something and then he would also know i am willing to get my stuff back and just move on

 

and if i do send it soon and i get a negative response will i wonder..what if i gave him more time before sending it or something to make me regret it sending it because i am finalizing things by doing this

[jmmm]

i'm so torn on what to do...

 

is this a horrible move to take for someone who wants him back?..kind of shows im giving him a chance to say something..if its not good, my stuff will be given back to me and thats it.