Broke Up/ Heart is Breaking

[jmmm]

i was with someone for over 3 years and he was my first serious boyfriend, the first guy i loved, first guy i was with. And he was about 10 years older too.

 

I know he loved me. But i think i was young with some things didn't know how to be in a relationship or when to let things go and realize its not a big deal. I think i was a bit too controlling and picked stupid fights. And now i regret it more than ever. He tried to end once or twice before and i think me telling him but we can compromise on this or do this and it changed his mind.

 

He took a break from me over a month ago for about a week..he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship anymore.

 

He came back and we got back together. I promised myself i would let alot of things go for atleast the summer and try to repair some damage. He is taking a trip in the summer without me..a bike trip for two weeks. I knew he was going and it was kind of settled but it still bothered me and i wanted to do discuss it a little further and it led to an argument. I did say i don't know if i will be able to handle you going away for two weeks. I guess if i can't handle it, maybe its for the best. He being completely became distant for a week even after even i tried to drop it and was being nice to him on the phone, saying i love you at night.

 

One day we had an off day and kept missing each other's call. At night i had about two drinks and started feeling sad. I sent him afrown text messages saying say something nice and he didn't respond for awhile so i sent a frown face due to the fact i had been drinking and then he finally wrote something nice and i wrote you aren't nice. I didn't really write anything too bad..i think i was just sort of looking for some attention because it wasn't there that past week and also because i was drinking that night

 

he writes so and so is here. I will call you in a little bit. I was a little upset, almost crying..and i called him after getting the message and i said i haven't spoken to you all day etc etc.

 

I wish i never did that night but i just started feeling sad

 

He broke it off that night and i was very upset. He said he doesn't want to focus on anyone else right now and that he is tired...(probably from driving to see me on the weekends, stupid arguments etc) I told him i love him so much and it will be better. He didn't change his mind. I wrote him a text the next day apologizing for my actions and said i just felt sad and that maybe this trip will be good for you and afterwards things will be a lot better.

 

He didn't respond. 2 days later i write to him the things i wish i would have did and what we should have done and i wrote i truly didn't feel like i wanted it over because of the trip, it just hurt me knowing you wanted to go away without me and i wish i would have realized sooner it may be something you needed and was really important to you. And that i wish i did this and this to make him a little happier and i am sorry for making you feel this way.

 

He wrote back saying i don't have anything to be sorry about and that he just isn't happy and can't even explain really. And that he is sorry and just can't keep continue doing this. He wrote he wishes we can still talk even if we are not together. I wrote back saying i wish we can figure something out to make you happier together. It will be too hard to talk to you as a friend. I drove you away and i regret it.

 

He wrote he doesnt think i drove him away and i have a right to feel how i feel and want what i want and so does he but they are just not the same things right now and he wrote he needs to make himself happy before he can make me happy.

 

 

I feel like all this just equals: I am tired of you.

 

I called saying i hate how this was done over the phone and through messages and i would like to speak to get closure. He texts me saying i got your v-mail before but i am just not up for talking right now. But we will. Im sorry. That was a week ago. I am leaving him alone now.

 

To me--its a little confusing. You can't speak to me to give me final closure and you are telling me we will?

 

I know its pathetic but it makes me hope maybe he needs time to think and see i really put myself out there and i am asking him what can we do together to make you happier. Even if he took the summer to think, it makes me hope maybe he didn't want to speak right away because he is thinking about changing his mind or showing how serious he is....but this may be a huge false hope after the texts he sent.

 

I blame myself for losing him and I see everything clearly now. And i don't know how to live with this regret. If i backed away from being controlling or from picking stupid fights, i believe he would have stayed.

 

My friends and family said he could have communicated with you better in the past rather than jumping to end it and. He could have sat you down and said this and this needs to be changed ASAP or else there won't be a relationship to save. It really bothers me and its making me not want to be here and i won't be able to if it continues and then ask if there is something he can be doing for me. They said he had to have had some faults and some things he did or didn't do making you feel a little insecure.

 

Some also think he knows he was your first everything and he could have held your hand more figuratively speaking. They said even with the trip if he saw i didn't like it, he could have came home with flowers and said look i will call you every day, every night.

 

He said you have nothing to worry about and he didn't believe two weeks was a big deal..friends and family said he could have did a little more and he didn't make me feel ok with certain things and it is his fault as well for not communicating or saying this has to be changed and i can't bend on this issue anymore.

 

and maybe i never expected him to leave because anytime the subject would come up, it didn't happen because he knew i wanted to be with him and work on things.

 

 

i wish he would come back....i really miss him and have so much regret. I feel like if he calls soon, then its over..but if he calls a month from now---maybe he didn't want to give me closure and just needed time to think.....People say stop blaming everything on yourself but its hard not to.

[Ariadne]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Habibti]

i was with someone for over 3 years and he was my first serious boyfriend, the first guy i loved, first guy i was with. And he was about 10 years older too.

 

I know he loved me. But i think i was young with some things didn't know how to be in a relationship or when to let things go and realize its not a big deal. I think i was a bit too controlling and picked stupid fights. And now i regret it more than ever. He tried to end once or twice before and i think me telling him but we can compromise on this or do this and it changed his mind.

 

He took a break from me over a month ago for about a week..he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship anymore.

 

He came back and we got back together. I promised myself i would let alot of things go for atleast the summer and try to repair some damage. He is taking a trip in the summer without me..a bike trip for two weeks. I knew he was going and it was kind of settled but it still bothered me and i wanted to do discuss it a little further and it led to an argument. I did say i don't know if i will be able to handle you going away for two weeks. I guess if i can't handle it, maybe its for the best. He being completely became distant for a week even after even i tried to drop it and was being nice to him on the phone, saying i love you at night.

 

One day we had an off day and kept missing each other's call. At night i had about two drinks and started feeling sad. I sent him afrown text messages saying say something nice and he didn't respond for awhile so i sent a frown face due to the fact i had been drinking and then he finally wrote something nice and i wrote you aren't nice. I didn't really write anything too bad..i think i was just sort of looking for some attention because it wasn't there that past week and also because i was drinking that night

 

he writes so and so is here. I will call you in a little bit. I was a little upset, almost crying..and i called him after getting the message and i said i haven't spoken to you all day etc etc.

 

I wish i never did that night but i just started feeling sad

 

He broke it off that night and i was very upset. He said he doesn't want to focus on anyone else right now and that he is tired...(probably from driving to see me on the weekends, stupid arguments etc) I told him i love him so much and it will be better. He didn't change his mind. I wrote him a text the next day apologizing for my actions and said i just felt sad and that maybe this trip will be good for you and afterwards things will be a lot better.

 

He didn't respond. 2 days later i write to him the things i wish i would have did and what we should have done and i wrote i truly didn't feel like i wanted it over because of the trip, it just hurt me knowing you wanted to go away without me and i wish i would have realized sooner it may be something you needed and was really important to you. And that i wish i did this and this to make him a little happier and i am sorry for making you feel this way.

 

He wrote back saying i don't have anything to be sorry about and that he just isn't happy and can't even explain really. And that he is sorry and just can't keep continue doing this. He wrote he wishes we can still talk even if we are not together. I wrote back saying i wish we can figure something out to make you happier together. It will be too hard to talk to you as a friend. I drove you away and i regret it.

 

He wrote he doesnt think i drove him away and i have a right to feel how i feel and want what i want and so does he but they are just not the same things right now and he wrote he needs to make himself happy before he can make me happy.

 

 

I feel like all this just equals: I am tired of you.

 

I called saying i hate how this was done over the phone and through messages and i would like to speak to get closure. He texts me saying i got your v-mail before but i am just not up for talking right now. But we will. Im sorry. That was a week ago. I am leaving him alone now.

 

To me--its a little confusing. You can't speak to me to give me final closure and you are telling me we will?

 

I know its pathetic but it makes me hope maybe he needs time to think and see i really put myself out there and i am asking him what can we do together to make you happier. Even if he took the summer to think, it makes me hope maybe he didn't want to speak right away because he is thinking about changing his mind or showing how serious he is....but this may be a huge false hope after the texts he sent.

 

I blame myself for losing him and I see everything clearly now. And i don't know how to live with this regret. If i backed away from being controlling or from picking stupid fights, i believe he would have stayed.

 

My friends and family said he could have communicated with you better in the past rather than jumping to end it and. He could have sat you down and said this and this needs to be changed ASAP or else there won't be a relationship to save. It really bothers me and its making me not want to be here and i won't be able to if it continues and then ask if there is something he can be doing for me. They said he had to have had some faults and some things he did or didn't do making you feel a little insecure.

 

Some also think he knows he was your first everything and he could have held your hand more figuratively speaking. They said even with the trip if he saw i didn't like it, he could have came home with flowers and said look i will call you every day, every night.

 

He said you have nothing to worry about and he didn't believe two weeks was a big deal..friends and family said he could have did a little more and he didn't make me feel ok with certain things and it is his fault as well for not communicating or saying this has to be changed and i can't bend on this issue anymore.

 

and maybe i never expected him to leave because anytime the subject would come up, it didn't happen because he knew i wanted to be with him and work on things.

 

 

i wish he would come back....i really miss him and have so much regret. I feel like if he calls soon, then its over..but if he calls a month from now---maybe he didn't want to give me closure and just needed time to think.....People say stop blaming everything on yourself but its hard not to.

 

Hello honey,

 

I know your in pain right now. Break ups are never easy. You need to realise you are human, and sometimes learning the hard way is the best way. He really sounds like he is not invested in this relationship and probably agreed to stay out of guilt or convinience. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who loves you and WANTS to be with you as you do them. You say you have learned a lot upon reflection, this is normal. These are good lessons to keep in mind for the future when you are ready to have a relationship again which will be awhile. I know when you lose someone like this it feels like a death. There is so much loss and grief to sort through and so many things you tell yourself you would do better or more right. Firstly, don't be little yourself this way. Relationships don't come with a guide book and depending on how you were raised or the types of relationships you were exposed to growing up they are likely to be the only model you have. If they are negative then you can learn the things NOT to do. I really have to say this guy sounds like he's checked out of this relationship long ago, and I know it hurts and it's hard to see now- but you don't want that in the long term.

 

I would let him go and begin working on yourself. You're going to be tempted to rebound to heal the pain, it doesn't work. It's painful and it's going to hurt for awhile and unfortunately we are powerless to avoid that. We just have to feel the pain and eventually it will go away. Make sure you're taking good care of your body and you surround yourself with friends and you get out of the house and as hard as it's going to be to "have fun" enough times and you will start to really enjoy yourself. Yes, there are circumstances of relationship reconcile but the number 1 factor of that is BOTH parties SINCERELY want to do that, not out of convinience or guilt. Take the lessons you have learned and take care of yourself. Be well.

[jmmm]

Thank You.

 

 

I know he was partially to blame..i feel like he wouldn't have "checked out" of the relationship if i didn't do certain things and stopped it a long time ago. I truly truly regret it.

 

I know i need to prepare for it to be over for good but do you think its bad to think maybe he is taking the summer to clear his head and regroup?

 

i just feel its a little weird me calling and saying i hate it was done through messages etc and i just want to speak about it..and he wrote he wasn't up to talking right now but we will. I'm sorry...maybe he doesnt want to give complete closure because he needs time?

 

i sent messages to him straight from heart saying i wish we can figure out something together about what would you happier. I wish i would have done this and this and all of that would have been worth it rather than losing us being together.

 

My family and friends say i have to leave him alone now because its up to him with him saying we will speak...so its up to him now and he can call and leave a message.

[Ronni_W]

..and he wrote he wasn't up to talking right now but we will. I'm sorry...maybe he doesnt want to give complete closure because he needs time?

(((hug))) I know it is difficult.

Another possible reason that he has stopped talking is because he is exhausted from the emotional roller coaster and just wants to be off it permanently. Perhaps you have unintentionally just worn him out to the point where he has nothing left, is totally spent and depleted.

 

I agree with your family and friends that it is time to leave him alone. You must find your own closure. Others are not obligated to help us with 'closure' and 'validation' and such. As adults, we must take responsibility for our own emotional healing.

 

Best of luck. I know it hurts. Time and your own determination will make it easier.

[jmmm]

it hurts so much to think i may have caused someone to feel like that.

 

I regret it very much and its hard for me to get over that.

 

If i did things things right and he left, maybe i wouldn't feel this bad.

 

 

Is it wrong to have some tiny hope that maybe he just needs a little time to clear his head.

 

The sad thing, i know he is a decent guy. And i think he wrote but we will talk and he meant we will..i just don't know when.

 

I feel like if he calls soon then its over but maybe if he takes a month or two and calls..maybe he is calling to see how i feel about things and when he feels better....

[Ronni_W]

Is it wrong to have some tiny hope

No, it isn't "wrong" to want some hope. But FALSE hope is dangerous to one's own heart. It can be detrimental to our own healing, when we choose to not accept things as they are. At some point, you must face the facts as they exist, not as you would wish them to be.

 

When one's (false) hope compels one act all needy, clingy and, like you said, "pathetic", it is time to change things; to change your hopes and desires, your thought patterns and behaviours.

 

He has not given you anything to really be hopeful about. You two struggled for a long time. You are also at different stages of development. Likely he needs something different, right now, in terms of his personal growth -- it's not so much about your personality but HIS next level of development, if you see what I mean?

 

Nobody is questioning that he is a decent guy. And he is proving that he's a decent guy by not just outright telling you to just leave him alone. You must find your own strength and coping skills, and you must also find some compassion for him.

 

The fact that he has promised to 'talk' at some point in the future doesn't mean anything other than he will talk with you at some point in the future. It is NOT an indication that he just needs to "clear his head". He would have said that, if that is what he wanted to say.

 

It also doesn't matter if he calls in 2 hours, 2 months or 2 years...it won't mean anything other than that is the amount of time that he needed to gain back everything that you have drained out of him.

 

I know it may all sound terribly cruel and unfeeling of me. But how I'm looking at it --and I hope you'll agree-- it is far less painful coming from me than from him.

 

The other part is that I do understand your pain because I've been there myself (also with a guy who was 10 years older!) I acted the same way, and gave myself the same false hope. And in the end, all that did for me was prolong my own agony.

[jmmm]

if he doesn't call by the end of the summer/beginning of fall then there probably isn't much hope and i think i would respect him less because he knows how upset i am over this and i truly want to get back with him and to fix what made him unhappy---and him saying we will speak and he plans on doing it a year from now or 8 months from now? i think he should have wrote i don't have much else to say instead if that was his intention.

 

Do you kind of understand what i am saying?

 

his trip is towards the end of the summer--thats why i am hoping maybe it will clear his head and maybe say----maybe she knows how serious i am and maybe things will be better.

 

i know they would be....

[jmmm]

any thoughts?

[jmmm]

is there a chance no contact will bring him back?

 

i don't think i could ever be friends with him or talk to him again if we aren't a couple..it will just be too hard on me to talk knowing our lives aren't together anymore...he knows i won't be able to talk to him as a friend..i wrote him that in one of my messages...i wrote i wish we can figure something out together about what would make you happier. Its going to be too hard to talk to you as a friend.

 

but one of his messages he wrote to me said i wish we can still talk although i understand why you say you can't do that...and i called him leaving a voicemail saying i hate this was done over the phone and through messages and i just wanted some closure...he wrote he wasn't up for talking right now but we will im sorry

[jmmm]

I have not contacted him at all since he said he was not up for talking now and since he wanted it over even though i sent him all the texts i wrote to him in my above post.

 

 

My ex met my girlfriend and her b/f a few times only...the boyfriend asked for my b/f's number. My friend's boyfriend called him a few times for us to get together etc etc while we were still together..My b/f never called him..he was usually like that with a lot of people--just letting them call him.

 

My friend called me saying my ex called her b/f during the day. Her boyfriend missed the call because he was at work and called back when my friend and her boyfriend were together.

 

My boyfriend is going on a 2 week trip with a few people..its a bike trip which i was not so happy about...he spoke to my friend's boyfriend and started talking to him about the trip and that he is leaving this weekend but two guys backed out, its only going to be me and one other guy. The boyfriend never mentioned me and didn't bring me up once...My ex finally said so how is my friend? And the boyfriend said, well his g/f doesn't really tell him everything thats going on with this and then my friend said she's ok..So the boyfriend said she is alright on the phone. After a minute or two they hung up and my friend called me to let me know what happened

 

she thinks its a sign of him wanting to get back together..she said why would he call him? she thinks he called just to get some information about me because he is not used to not hearing from me...my friend said its also weird how he spoke about the trip and him leaving this weekend and mentioning 2 of them backed out..almost like he is saying it isnt going to be this big party that i was thinking

 

i am more negative with my thinking...and i am thinking he used the expression so how is my friend? My g/f said its just an expression and he was talking to a guy--he isn't gonna be so sappy about it

 

i am also thinking maybe he was just concerned if i was ok or he felt guilty and hearing that im "alright" he can just go on now and not feel guilty or now truly know its over because im alright...and have an even better time on his trip

 

my friend said she doesnt think a guy would put himself out there like that---to call an ex girlfriend's friend's boyfriend...she said he has a lot of pride and an ego and he called him..and it must have took a lot to make that phone call and ask about me

 

she thinks giving him a neutral answer of she's alright was the best thing she could say..she didn't say i was great and she didn't say i was crying my eyes out

[Ronni_W]

any thoughts?

(((hugs)))

I know you are going through an emotionally rough time. Possibly you must ask your mutual friends to NOT update you anymore. Hearing about him will only prolong your own time needed to heal and move forward.

 

You have done well maintaining NC - congrats and keep up that courage! You will get through this...and, strange as it may sound right now, will emerge a much stronger person.

[jmmm]

but i am asking given what he recently did, is it a sign he may want to get back together...reaching out to my friend's boyfriend he hardly knows to ask "hows my friend doing"?

[Ronni_W]

but i am asking given what he recently did, is it a sign he may want to get back together

Well, it's just my own opinion but, no, I don't think it's a sign of that. If he wanted to get back with you, he would have contacted you DIRECTLY. Going through someone else is just game-playing and/or immaturity, neither of which you deserve.

 

All I am going to do is continue to recommend that you work towards seeing this as a closed book, and do what you have to do in order to move forward. And of course, I also continue to wish you best of luck.

[tanin84]

It's a hard thing to take, ture enough. I sincerely believe it will work out for the best. Concentrate on yourself. Do things. Dwelling and worrying are like a rocking chair, gives you something to do but doesn't really get you anywhere.

[jmmm]

Then why would he contact my friend's boyfriend he never called before?

 

my friend said if doesnt have any feelings of wanting to get back together after doing that, then that is very very confusing.

 

She said it sounds like maybe he is afraid right now to contact you but maybe wants to know ANYTHING about whats going on with you. Maybe even if i am completely fine or something

 

My ex b/f has a lot of pride and very stubborn at times...my friend knows this too and says it probably took a lot for him to make that phone call.

 

I'm trying not to read into anything but they are seeing this as a positive thing

[jmmm]

any thoughts? in alot of pain..

[justaman99]

You have this post in a couple places so it's kinda hard to track.

 

Again you need to let time roll by and let things form as they will. If he wants to be with you he'll call. Until then live your life and allow the pain to go where it may. Don't do anything drastic. He broke up with you and you going back to him won't help at all. It will do the opposite.

 

-Just

[jmmm]

But i am asking is it somewhat of a sign he may want to work things out?

 

my friend and her boyfriend donot understand why he would call to say those things unless he somewhat felt that way..it was like he wanted it to get back to me..and then asking so how is my friend doing

[justaman99]

in my opinion yes there is a chance but the only real way to know is if he makes a direct effort to you and calls you. Otherwise it's just assumption so again, don't do anything, don't let this change your position. be patient and live your life. What will happen will happen.

 

-Just

[jmmm]

do you think my friend saying she is alright is a bad thing when he asked how is my friend doing? maybe making him think ok she is fine, i guess she moved on or something?

 

she said she figured it was the best thing to say because she wasnt saying oh she is great, she is fine and she didn't say she was depressed over this...she thought saying she's alright was the most neutral answer she can think of

[justaman99]

Don't worry about it. You're letting this consume you and there's no way to know for sure. Move on and if he calls take it from there.

[imagine]

Hey J

 

Respect to you for not just diving into another relationship right away. I suspect without reading the whole of this post that your relationship had become sexual. This causes euphoric bonding and more so in a woman if he was your first.

 

He sounds as though he has moved on. Later rekindling of the relationship would be brief or doomed. You are way too needy and desperate. The relationship seems a might unbalanced.

 

I would echo many others advice to first work on yourself. Unhappy is unattractive. Fake it till you make it.

[jmmm]

I understand the things that went wrong..what i did wrong, what he did wrong etc etc

 

 

I don't understand how he moved on if he is calling my friend's boyfriend to tell him details of a trip he is not apart of and then to ask about me.

 

I think by him taking this action and then if he doesn't have any feelings of trying to work this out----i find what he did as partially cruel and almost giving some false hope...my friend agreed saying if he doesn't want to get back after calling my boyfriend who he never called before..then its very confusing and then you need to stay away.

[cuutie_pie]

Hi do you have msn? I'm going through a similar situation to yours...its really hard. If you would like to talk about it more then that might help us both!!