Curmudgeon Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Blue Sunday -- I needed to laugh too - Thanks! I'm not doing very good today. Well then break out the tape and drop-cloths. It's time we painted it a new and more cheery color. If i had nothing else to be happy about or celebrate on a daily basis it would be that i was no longer with the ex. that thought absolutely makes my heart tickle even today! You may borrow it if you like.
White Flower Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I needed to laugh too - Thanks! I'm not doing very good today. Kami Big hugs baby!:)
bentnotbroken Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Bent, you always make me laugh. Thanks, I needed that! Glad I could help.:)There are those rare people who see the real me, and you are one of them;)
Owl Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Kami- I'm a former BS (betrayed spouse)...and I'm far too lazy to retype my history. Here's a link to my story from a short time after I first came here...feel free to read through it for updates on how I was feeling at various times. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ Hope this helps some.
Author Kamikaze Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 Thank you OWL for sharing this with me.
herenow Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 The morning after I discovered my H's affair, I made two phones calls. One to a lawyer and one to a therapist. I asked the lawyer to start drawing up the divorce papers immediately and I made an appointment with the therapist. The appointment with the therapist was to figure out the best way to deal with our kids. I didn't want them to be stuck in the middle of their parent's issues and I needed help to be able to do what was in their best interest. The therapist asked me to wait to file for divorce and continue therapy with my H. I agreed as long as my H moved out of the house. I had no intention of staying with him at that point. I didn't want to be with a man that wanted to be with an OW. I fully expected him to move in with the OW, but he cut all contact with her and moved into a hotel. I didn't believe him when he told me he loved me. How could he love me and have sex with an OW? It didn't make any sense. I now know that his affair had nothing to do with his love for me and everything to do with him and what was missing in himself. We continued to see the therapist. In the beginning it was all about the kids and what was best for them, but soon we began to explore our marriage. My H went to IC and took time to deal with his own problems and why he chose to have an affair. He was honest with me about what happened and as much as it hurt to hear the details of his affair, it was necessary for the truth to be told. He never blamed me or the OW, he took full responsibility for his actions. Eventually we got to a point where we both were able to look at the fact that we had problems in our marriage and start to deal with them. My H realized that he needed help and joined a program to help him with his problems. I saw true effort and change on his part and took a look at my own actions and what i needed to do to make myself better. At this point I was used to the idea that my marriage was over. I wasn't afraid of divorce. I no longer "needed" to be married to be happy. I knew I would be fine and that my kids still had two loving parents even if we weren't going to be married. It wasn't until I had that sense of security that I was able to let my H back into my life. I let my H move back home and we continued to go to MC for more than a year. At this point our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. No, it's not the way it was before, but in all honesty, I would never want the marriage I had before. It took time and effort from both of us to make our marriage work and I will never take that for granted.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 To the OP, There was a girl I dated. When we got together I was real skeptical of even opening my heart to a woman for fear she'd try to break it like all women at some point do. Well I decided to give her a chance. I asked her if she was over her ex, any emotional attachments to him or anything. Are you done with him? She said yes. So we got together and things were going good. I'm thinking well she might be the one. I start opening my heart to her, I'm thinking this could evolve into something long term. and guess what happened within the 4 months. She stabbed me in the freaking heart!!!!! lol. She was sleeping with her ex in the last month we was together. (I knew.) I didnt have proof but when she brought him up there was a sense of shame, couldnt look me in the eye. I can read body language pretty well. most people can. The same guy she talked so bad about, cheating on her, got multiple kids by different women. SHE GOES BACK WITH THE SAME NUTJOB!!!! Unbelievable! I was hurt and I wondered why she lied, that's what I was mad about, not the cheating, but why she lied to me when I specifically asked her for the truth from the begining. Suffice to say I let her go. After that, guess what happened. He cheated on her again and she found out while his phone was on and she heard him F-ing some new chick in the background. (it must have been on speakerphone or something. lol.) I just looked at her like a freaking idiot... Dont be that woman. Dont be an idiot. The man I am today dont trust a woman for what she worth. I dont trust her word and I analyze everything. I will never put my heart back out there for any woman to break. Word is born. Nice story herenow.
NoIDidn't Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I was a BS. I was shocked that he would have an EA. Totally blindsided me. But the M was already in trouble as we had discussed making some changes (not divorce at that point). I was hurt, deeply saddened, and distraught. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. I didn't kick him out or ask him to leave. I was of the mind that I needed to wait until my emotions settled before I made any decisions. In order to clear my mind and help settle myself emotionally, I went to a therapist (alone) and recommended that he do the same (he did). We didn't discuss our M or our therapy sessions with each other for about a month. We both needed to make decisions about our M before anything else. I didn't want him to stay for the kids and I didn't want to stay just because of financial reasons ( I am a SAHM/HM). In the end, we both decided that we believed in the reasons that we got married to begin with and started MC. MC helped us heal many resentments (not all) and rebuild our R. I always thought that I would leave, but I didn't know what to do when actually faced with it. He thought that I would throw him out if I found out, but wasn't quite sure to make of the pain I felt when confronted with it. He thought that I didn't want him anymore. I thought the same. But when the perfect opportunity to leave presented itself, neither of us could fathom the thought of being without the other.
herenow Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 To the OP, There was a girl I dated. When we got together I was real skeptical of even opening my heart to a woman for fear she'd try to break it like all women at some point do. Well I decided to give her a chance. I asked her if she was over her ex, any emotional attachments to him or anything. Are you done with him? She said yes. So we got together and things were going good. I'm thinking well she might be the one. I start opening my heart to her, I'm thinking this could evolve into something long term. and guess what happened within the 4 months. She stabbed me in the freaking heart!!!!! lol. She was sleeping with her ex in the last month we was together. (I knew.) I didnt have proof but when she brought him up there was a sense of shame, couldnt look me in the eye. I can read body language pretty well. most people can. The same guy she talked so bad about, cheating on her, got multiple kids by different women. SHE GOES BACK WITH THE SAME NUTJOB!!!! Unbelievable! I was hurt and I wondered why she lied, that's what I was mad about, not the cheating, but why she lied to me when I specifically asked her for the truth from the begining. Suffice to say I let her go. After that, guess what happened. He cheated on her again and she found out while his phone was on and she heard him F-ing some new chick in the background. (it must have been on speakerphone or something. lol.) I just looked at her like a freaking idiot... Dont be that woman. Dont be an idiot. The man I am today dont trust a woman for what she worth. I dont trust her word and I analyze everything. I will never put my heart back out there for any woman to break. Word is born. Nice story herenow. Did she come back to you expecting you to take her back? If so, then I would say she is as big of a nut job as her H. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. When someone you trust hurts you that way, it's hard to trust again.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Did she come back to you expecting you to take her back? If so, then I would say she is as big of a nut job as her H. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. When someone you trust hurts you that way, it's hard to trust again. LOL funny thing is her friend told me after the breakup oh you know she wants to get back with you. lmao:mad: I just barked on the friend like she was an idiot. There wasnt anything she could say or do to make me take her back. And no she wasnt married. Yeah she was crazy. From what happened next was she found someone else and got engaged and then married to another guy 5 months after everything happened! She wanted me at the wedding but that a whole nother story! lmao! Sorry to T/J kamikazze. I'm just giving you an example on crazy behaviors.
silktricks Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I'm still running all this through my mind. I have a few questions for this group, if you feel like sharing. Those of you who are the BS and stayed with the spouse that betrayed you - can you share the experince? First few weeks, months, etc... feelings, actions, etc.. Those of you (BS) who left the marriage same questions. And, those of you who have been the OW and the MM went back to his W. Can you share the experince? First few weeks, months, etc... feelings, actions, etc.. If there was anything you could have done different what would that be? Thank You K, I'll give you some answers to your questions, but first want to say that you are concentrating on the wrong person. Worry about what he is doing, and most especially what his wife is doing, won't, in the long run, get you anywhere. Please concentrate on yourself and your situation and what you are doing, instead. But... I was a BS and chose to stay with my husband. I love him, always have and always will. I knew he was not a "player", and that this behavior was an aberration. I didn't "catch" him. He told me. What could I have done differently? Before the fact - I could have been better at communicating - both what was going on with me - and by talking to him about what I could see going on with him.... After the fact? Not a whole lot. One thing I would have done differently is change our home phone number sooner. I kept thinking she would stop calling, but until we changed the number a year later it didn't stop. What did I feel? Heartbroken. I literally felt that my heart had been torn in pieces. Before this occurred I thought that was only a saying. Now, I know what it really feels like. I attempted suicide twice. My husband quite literally saved my life. I was angry in a way I had never been before, and doubt I will ever be again. I keep reading on these boards about how BS are angry at the OW. I was, of course, angry with her - for a great many reasons that aren't important here and now. And I was angry - searingly angry - with my husband - but my deepest most bitter anger was at myself. For quite some time I questioned everything. I asked for him to repeat his "story" an incomprehensible number of times - mostly to ensure that it remained consistent. I didn't trust him, nor did I trust his judgement. That was hard for him, as I had always trusted him. It took a long time to heal, but heal we did. I don't think most men could have taken what I put him through. Our marriage is good now and we are both happy and a team once again - actually we're a better team than we ever were before.
Recommended Posts