Kamikaze Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I'm still running all this through my mind. I have a few questions for this group, if you feel like sharing. Those of you who are the BS and stayed with the spouse that betrayed you - can you share the experince? First few weeks, months, etc... feelings, actions, etc.. Those of you (BS) who left the marriage same questions. And, those of you who have been the OW and the MM went back to his W. Can you share the experince? First few weeks, months, etc... feelings, actions, etc.. If there was anything you could have done different what would that be? Thank You
White Flower Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 If there was anything you could have done different what would that be? Thank You I was a BW. H had an EA (PA not proven to me). I would have encouraged us to end the A so he could still be with her now. I fought and fought for the sake of the M and children, but can see now that he would have been much happier with her. She is long gone and I don't think they'll ever hook up again. For him, I think that is unfortunate.
Author Kamikaze Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 I was a BW. H had an EA (PA not proven to me). I would have encouraged us to end the A so he could still be with her now. I fought and fought for the sake of the M and children, but can see now that he would have been much happier with her. She is long gone and I don't think they'll ever hook up again. For him, I think that is unfortunate. Thank you for your reply! I appreciate the honesty.
White Flower Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I was a BW. H had an EA (PA not proven to me). I would have encouraged us to end the A so he could still be with her now. I fought and fought for the sake of the M and children, but can see now that he would have been much happier with her. She is long gone and I don't think they'll ever hook up again. For him, I think that is unfortunate. How silly of me! I meant to say "I would have encouraged us to end the M so he (H) could still be with her now." She really was a nice woman even if I had a hard time seeing it at the time.
Curmudgeon Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I'm still running all this through my mind. I have a few questions for this group, if you feel like sharing. Those of you who are the BS and stayed with the spouse that betrayed you - can you share the experince? First few weeks, months, etc... feelings, actions, etc.. Those of you (BS) who left the marriage same questions. And, those of you who have been the OW and the MM went back to his W. Can you share the experince? First few weeks, months, etc... feelings, actions, etc.. If there was anything you could have done different what would that be? Thank You The first time I just kind of let it go. The second time I divroced her. The first time there were a lot of other things going on in my life to include the impending deaths of both of my parents who died shortly thereafter. I just didn't have the emotional energy to take on the woman's infidelity. I became hyper-vigilant for a time, went through some self-blame but that was about it. The second time occurred five years later. We had separated but I was still hoping for and working on reconciliation. Then I discovered she'd had a boyfriend since seven months before she left and had moved him in with herself and our two youngest daughters. When I received court papers for legal separation I immediately counter-filed for divorce and have never looked back. The first few weeks and months I was very angry, very dismissive of and cold to her. I was also very frustrated by her seeming inability or willingness to make decisions. Over time I came to recognize that as a control issue on her part. Over the course of the two years that followed I worked on myself and those things about me that contributed to the end of the marriage. I became much more relaxed, more pleasant to be around, less driven and, ultimately, much happier and more content than I'd ever been before in my adult life. My type-A personality pretty much evaporated and I have mellowed considerably. Initially she alienated all my children from me; all five of them. Three were young adults and they saw through her after about two years and reconnected with me. She severely alienated the two minors for 10 years but they, too, finally saw her for what she was. As it stands now, I have good relationships with all my children and grandchildren. The ex has none. Betrayed spouses often talk of revenge. I always figured that letting her be who and what she was and remains was and is revenge enough. People who betray their spouses, and those who knowingly join with them in that pursuit, should never discount the possibility of an appearance by the karma train. It might just roll over them. It's managed to roll over the ex in several ways. It began three years after she married her boyfriend. He was in a bad car accident and assumed room temperature. She went broke and the IRS is after her. All the children shunned her, and still do, and last year she was run over by a car while she was walking. Suffice it to say that my life has been infinitely better. If there was anything I could have done differently it would have been to finally open my eyes and divorce the ex half-way through what was ultimately a 27-year marriage.
me003 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Can someone let me know what some of the letter means? I knw what MOW MM OW and such but not the other. thanks
me003 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I need to ask. I wanted to email a specific person but I can't. I read that if you post 500 post you have the option. is that true. sorry to post questions but if it;s true I really need to talk to some who can give me an insight into getting over my issues. I need somone who will be true but know what effective word will do the job. Such as AA... the support group are there to help and not to hurt.
Curmudgeon Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Can someone let me know what some of the letter means? I knw what MOW MM OW and such but not the other. thanks Things like this?: BW - Betrayed Wife BS - Betrayed Spouse EA - Emotional Affair PA - Physical ASffair
Curmudgeon Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 It's a combination of time and posts. I'm not sure of the exact formula.
Curmudgeon Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Curmie, you are remarried, right? If I say, "No!" will you propose to me? Yes, WF. I remarried two years after the separation and divorce so we're heading towards our 12th anniversary.
White Flower Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 If I say, "No!" will you propose to me? Yes, WF. I remarried two years after the separation and divorce so we're heading towards our 12th anniversary. Shucks, and I thought we might both be single at the same time, darn! Glad the second time around is going better for you.
Curmudgeon Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 ::::sigh:::: Yet another lost opportunity! What's a guy to do?
White Flower Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Can someone let me know what some of the letter means? I knw what MOW MM OW and such but not the other. thanks Check out this FAQ page: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/faq.php?faq=messages#faq_acronyms MOM=married other man MOW=married other woman MM-married man MW=married woman CS=cheating spouse BTDT=been there done that OP=original post and/or Other Person AP=affair person
White Flower Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 ::::sigh:::: Yet another lost opportunity! What's a guy to do? Sounds like your dance card is F-U-L-L!!
Curmudgeon Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Sounds like your dance card is F-U-L-L!! ::::sigh:::: again! Story of my life!
me003 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 If I say, "No!" will you propose to me? Yes, WF. I remarried two years after the separation and divorce so we're heading towards our 12th anniversary. People say that the second is better. Is that true? I know that the % stats are but since you have been Married for 12 months you have an insight. Also, does it make a difference if there was an affair that caused the divorce?
me003 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I was a BW. H had an EA (PA not proven to me). I would have encouraged us to end the A so he could still be with her now. I fought and fought for the sake of the M and children, but can see now that he would have been much happier with her. She is long gone and I don't think they'll ever hook up again. For him, I think that is unfortunate. Sorry for all the questions, just wanted to know if you are willing to share. How long did you to be ok with what you wrote on your post? Do you know how long the affair had been going on for? How did you find out about it? Just wanted to know your overall feelings.
Author Kamikaze Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 The first time I just kind of let it go. The second time I divroced her. The first time there were a lot of other things going on in my life to include the impending deaths of both of my parents who died shortly thereafter. I just didn't have the emotional energy to take on the woman's infidelity. I became hyper-vigilant for a time, went through some self-blame but that was about it. The second time occurred five years later. We had separated but I was still hoping for and working on reconciliation. Then I discovered she'd had a boyfriend since seven months before she left and had moved him in with herself and our two youngest daughters. When I received court papers for legal separation I immediately counter-filed for divorce and have never looked back. The first few weeks and months I was very angry, very dismissive of and cold to her. I was also very frustrated by her seeming inability or willingness to make decisions. Over time I came to recognize that as a control issue on her part. Over the course of the two years that followed I worked on myself and those things about me that contributed to the end of the marriage. I became much more relaxed, more pleasant to be around, less driven and, ultimately, much happier and more content than I'd ever been before in my adult life. My type-A personality pretty much evaporated and I have mellowed considerably. Initially she alienated all my children from me; all five of them. Three were young adults and they saw through her after about two years and reconnected with me. She severely alienated the two minors for 10 years but they, too, finally saw her for what she was. As it stands now, I have good relationships with all my children and grandchildren. The ex has none. Betrayed spouses often talk of revenge. I always figured that letting her be who and what she was and remains was and is revenge enough. People who betray their spouses, and those who knowingly join with them in that pursuit, should never discount the possibility of an appearance by the karma train. It might just roll over them. It's managed to roll over the ex in several ways. It began three years after she married her boyfriend. He was in a bad car accident and assumed room temperature. She went broke and the IRS is after her. All the children shunned her, and still do, and last year she was run over by a car while she was walking. Suffice it to say that my life has been infinitely better. If there was anything I could have done differently it would have been to finally open my eyes and divorce the ex half-way through what was ultimately a 27-year marriage. Thank you for your honesty! Hindsight is always 20/20. I am dealing with many emotions right now - so I sincerely appreciate your response.
Curmudgeon Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 People say that the second is better. Is that true? I know that the % stats are but since you have been Married for 12 months you have an insight. Also, does it make a difference if there was an affair that caused the divorce? Actually, it's going on 12 years, not months. I think that later in life (she was 48 when we married and I was 50) you tend to be more discerning, somewhat pickier and on a very good day, perhaps even a bit wiser. You have more experience and, ideally, more patience as well. The flip side of the coin is that you DO tend to be pickier, more set in your ways and each of you brings a lot more baggage into the marriage. There's more to sort out between you and you've developed some more tightly defined habits and tolerance levels. While not without its problems, this marriage is far better than the one that preceded it and my wife feels the same way about the now vs. her former marriage as well. Bear in mind, we are now empty nesters so there are no present, hands-on parenting responsibilities. Those are stressors we don't have. Thanks to divorce and other issues, neither of us brough much into the marriage by way of assets but experience and being well established in our careers allowed us to accumulate a comfortable nest egg. My wife retired a few years ago and I'll be retiring in about 13 months so life is good. We're comfortasble financially and certainly not struggling. Having said all that, let me hasten to also say that there's no reason a first, comparitively youthful marriage can't be successful and profoundly satisfying. If both parties put one another and the marriage first the rest will follow. As for the affair, it only makes a difference in that I have absolutely no tolerance for infidelity. It's an instant deal-breaker for me. As always, just one man's opinion.
Curmudgeon Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Thank you for your honesty! Hindsight is always 20/20. I am dealing with many emotions right now - so I sincerely appreciate your response. Hope it helped. I have to believe that an affair just makes things more difficult in the final analysis and relationships are already hard enough work as it is without that added element and complication; especially as it brings one or more other people into the mix. I always thought that adding in-laws was bad enough!
Author Kamikaze Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Indeed, In-laws (or Out-laws) do change the scene. I have none so that is one issue I do not need to address.
bentnotbroken Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I left the @$$ as soon as I got what I needed. There was nothing he could do for me other than get and AIDS test and kiss my furry mole.
White Flower Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I left the @$$ as soon as I got what I needed. There was nothing he could do for me other than get and AIDS test and kiss my furry mole. Bent, you always make me laugh. Thanks, I needed that!
Author Kamikaze Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 I needed to laugh too - Thanks! I'm not doing very good today. Kami
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