pioneer Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I split up with my ex girlfriend about 18 months ago she’s 19 im 28, she started seeing someone else soon after. We tried to be friends several times after but it always ended in disaster, she says she loves this new guy but has cheated on him with me a few times over the last 18 months, there was also a point that she was stopping at my house on the nights he was working away although she says she has no feelings for me at all, the last time she cheated with me was only 2 months before she fell pregnant, its really messed my head up because im still really in love with her and she knows it, but totally ignores it. She is a very selfish person and has used me a lot in the past as we were friends for about 8 months before we started going out and I did her no end of favours with no thanks or anything. We recently started speaking again after the last fall out which was about 3 months ago, only this time she is now pregnant by this other guy, she has wanted a baby since she had an abortion a few years ago, and had tried with every lad she’s been with since including me.. The problem is im scared of losing contact with her because I miss her so much and all I do is think about her when im not with her, she’s been coming out with me just as mates although her boyfriend would go mad if he knew because he knows she’s cheated with me. I don’t know what to do for the best, I want to ignore her calls and texts because all she does is tell me about this baby she’s having, scans etc, and its making me feel really down, its killing me inside but I just cant seem to ignore her, my heart still goes when she rings or texts and if she asks to see me im there in a flash, I do anything she asks of me and I have no interest in any other girls or anything. I feel like its ruining my life and I cant understand why she’s even bothering speaking to me knowing the trouble it would cause if she got found out. Im not stupid and I know ill never be able to be with her but im not sure if I should just try and hide my feelings and just try and be a mate so that I don’t have to say goodbye to her, because when im with her im the happiest person in the world. Or totally ignore her and make myself feel like hell?.
carhill Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I think this is the part of "manning-up" that's the hardest. Knowing how and when to say goodbye. You can still love her (you do) but set your boundaries and not tolerate any encroachment of them. Simply, tell her exactly how you feel (you did a great job here), wish her a safe and healthy pregnancy and say goodbye. Then, begin your healing by removing evidence of her existence from your life. This does not preclude that you will have contact with her in the future, but IMO you want that contact to be from a position of equity, which is something you do not currently enjoy. I've been in this position so can empathize. It's really hard to break those bonds but IMO you have to do it to be healthy for the future. Good luck!
Author pioneer Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 im not sure i can cope breaking contact with her completley, i was thinking or maybe just staying in contact by phone for example. Iv broke up with girls before but they have broke contact with me, i have never come accross this before, iv even caused trouble in the hope that she will refuse to see me, so that i have no control over it, but we always end up back in touch,
carhill Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 You won't be able to heal yourself until all the stimulation is gone. You have to detox from the brain chemical mix that flowed from your past R with her. Since you haven't completely resolved those feelings, the chemicals still flow, causing you distress. Think of it as AA for love. Cold-turkey is really the only way since you've proven you can't "drink socially" with this person. If you read my journals, you'll see my version of what you're dealing with. It's different, but the feelings are similar. The difference is that it's spanned an entire generation in time. That speaks volumes to the power of the emotional cocktail swirling around in our brains
Author pioneer Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 I totally agree with what you are saying, i think my main problem is, when im feeling low, down or lonley i see her as a way of picking myself up because she makes me feel so good, since i met her over 2 years ago, my life has stayed roughly the same, where as hers has moved on so much. Like getting a place with this new lad, a baby on the way etc. I just feel like im getting left behind, and she was the only girl in nerly 2 years to show an interest in me after i split with my previous ex. Im starting to think the only way ill get over her and these feeling would be to meet someone else that i like as much as her, but how i feel now and the fact im getting on for 30 i cant see it happening!
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