foxh1234 Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 3.5 months since breakup and I thought I was doing really good. The problem is I live just a few miles from her and her new man ( they live together now ) and I drive around always worried about running into them. This just keeps her in my mind when I want her out. I should not care if I run into her but I do. I really just want to move on and never see her, talk to her, or be reminded of her. The problem is that I will see her at some point and I have to accept that. Other than that, I am doing OK, I am dating someone and keeping busy with work and golf. If she would just move away my life would be perfect Anyone else fear the run in with the ex ?
northstar1 Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 3.5 months since breakup and I thought I was doing really good. The problem is I live just a few miles from her and her new man ( they live together now ) and I drive around always worried about running into them. This just keeps her in my mind when I want her out. I should not care if I run into her but I do. I really just want to move on and never see her, talk to her, or be reminded of her. The problem is that I will see her at some point and I have to accept that. Other than that, I am doing OK, I am dating someone and keeping busy with work and golf. If she would just move away my life would be perfect Anyone else fear the run in with the ex ? Well, my ex is not here right now, so not much chance of running into her in the next few months - but she's on my mind a lot regardless. But fox, you have seemed to make huge progress.
Author foxh1234 Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 Hi, I have been doing better, just having a bad few days. Living so close, it gets me thinking and remembering things at every turn. Every store, bar, restaurant has memories and that sucks. I am putting here behind me and I will beat this thing, it is just a minor set back.
carhill Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 It will always be something which will remind you (smells, sounds, places); the key is gaining perspective on those feelings. How long were you alone before starting to date again? Unless your prior R had been dying for awhile or was a short one, it could take the better part of a year to heal your psyche to the point where you can give a new woman the attention she deserves and gain perspective on the past R. It's possible you're in limbo right now, as new dating situations are reigniting those old feelings for your ex. Examine that, look at yourself honestly and tell us what you think....
Author foxh1234 Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 It will always be something which will remind you (smells, sounds, places); the key is gaining perspective on those feelings. How long were you alone before starting to date again? Unless your prior R had been dying for awhile or was a short one, it could take the better part of a year to heal your psyche to the point where you can give a new woman the attention she deserves and gain perspective on the past R. It's possible you're in limbo right now, as new dating situations are reigniting those old feelings for your ex. Examine that, look at yourself honestly and tell us what you think.... Hi Carhill, I think you are 100% correct. I was alone for 2.5 months and really just wanted someone to have sex with. I know that sounds terrible and I am not a bad person, I just wanted to feel something. I met someone and we went out a couple of times and had sex a few times. I feel worse since seeing her than I did alone. I saw her yesterday and wanted to tell her I couldn't see her anymore. I am not ready for it and even having sex is no good. We were together for 8 years and I feel terrible having sex with someone else after 3 months, even though she cheated on me. How screwed up is that ? I will not hurt this new girl. I am going to be honest with her and tell her I cannot see her anymore as I am not ready for a relationship and it is not fair to her. I thought dating and sex would help me, but I am slipping back and I know it. This breakup **** is tough man. I was doing so well, I thought I was ready to date. I was wrong. Thanks carhill for the wake up call. You are so right.
carhill Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Whoa, 8 years is a long time. I've been married 8 years. No way I could process a break-up/divorce completely in such a short time (of course, we're all different), even if I had been letting go prior to the D. If I was in your situation, I'd be straight up with the lady I was dating. She's likely been there too and can empathize. It's perfectly normal to want sexual intimacy. There are plenty of women out there who want that same thing without emotional involvement. You just have to find them. Then you have to decide for yourself if you can have sex (relieve that tension) without involving your feelings. Some men can. I can't. I think the key is going in with that mindset. You went in with the mindset of meeting someone new and maybe starting a new R with her. That won't work for the sex part, as you've now seen. Try just being sexual with a woman who is like-minded and see if it helps you. That way, no one is hurt and you can stop if it isn't helpful to you. I think LS'ers call these "rebounds" but I've never had one so I don't know.... Good luck!
Author foxh1234 Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 Whoa, 8 years is a long time. I've been married 8 years. No way I could process a break-up/divorce completely in such a short time (of course, we're all different), even if I had been letting go prior to the D. If I was in your situation, I'd be straight up with the lady I was dating. She's likely been there too and can empathize. It's perfectly normal to want sexual intimacy. There are plenty of women out there who want that same thing without emotional involvement. You just have to find them. Then you have to decide for yourself if you can have sex (relieve that tension) without involving your feelings. Some men can. I can't. I think the key is going in with that mindset. You went in with the mindset of meeting someone new and maybe starting a new R with her. That won't work for the sex part, as you've now seen. Try just being sexual with a woman who is like-minded and see if it helps you. That way, no one is hurt and you can stop if it isn't helpful to you. I think LS'ers call these "rebounds" but I've never had one so I don't know.... Good luck! Maybe I am expecting things to happen too fast. I felt like I was really moving forward without her and thought I could handle dating. Just a few dates has made me see that I am not over her yet. I think I will just continue healing and moving on and hold off on the dating thing for awhile. I am also going to explain this to the new lady and see what happens. I do not want her to be a rebound, she does not deserve that. The funniest thing about this whole dating thing is I just really wanted sex and once I got it, it brought back more thoughts of the ex. I thought it would help erase her, boy was I wrong!! This new lady is a great person and I will tell her everything and hope that maybe we can contact each other again down the road. How the hell can my ex move on so quick and even move in with a new guy so quick ?
northstar1 Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Maybe I am expecting things to happen too fast. I felt like I was really moving forward without her and thought I could handle dating. Just a few dates has made me see that I am not over her yet. I think I will just continue healing and moving on and hold off on the dating thing for awhile. I am also going to explain this to the new lady and see what happens. I do not want her to be a rebound, she does not deserve that. The funniest thing about this whole dating thing is I just really wanted sex and once I got it, it brought back more thoughts of the ex. I thought it would help erase her, boy was I wrong!! This new lady is a great person and I will tell her everything and hope that maybe we can contact each other again down the road. How the hell can my ex move on so quick and even move in with a new guy so quick ? Hey Fox - what you are saying makes perfect sense - in many ways you are probably comparing the ex to the new girl - and right now, she's probably not measuring up - so it brings back old memories. I may be wrong on ths one, but I think that in many ways, women can move on faster if they are the ones doing the breaking up. Not that this totally applies to your situation, but I think women spend a lot of time thinking about breaking up - months perhaps, and if they decide to do it, they have already emotionally distanced themselves and can move on much easier. Either way, you'll know when you are ready to seriously date - things will seem relaxed, and you won't think of the ex all the time as you are doing it. Could be months - but you'll know.
kizik Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Fox, reading about your situation is very interesting to me. I didn't know you were seeing someone, that is so cool. It sounds like you are not over the ex enough to be into this new chick, though. I find myself thinking about how much I want a new chick all day, thinking about sex and all that, and reading the above posts make me think perhaps I'm not ready, perhaps it's not all it's cracked up to be. My ex is still very much in my head and I think I would feel weird dating someone... still, I would like to. I need to know someone finds me attractive. Badly. I'm glad you are going to be straightforward with the new chick. It shows integrity and that is awesome. You care about her enough to be honest, and she will appreciate it, though I'm sure it will hurt her a bit. Doesn't it feel weird to be on the other side of the fence?
kizik Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I feel worse since seeing her than I did alone. I am not ready for it and even having sex is no good. Wow, to me that is a revelation. I am mentally still putting my happiness in the arms of a mystery new woman, but perhaps I'm better off being alone... I'm also quite guilty of (40 year old virgin reference) "Putting the p*ssy on a pedestal".
sunshinegirl Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I may be wrong on ths one, but I think that in many ways, women can move on faster if they are the ones doing the breaking up. Not that this totally applies to your situation, but I think women spend a lot of time thinking about breaking up - months perhaps, and if they decide to do it, they have already emotionally distanced themselves and can move on much easier. I don't get this - are you suggesting that some/many men DON'T spend time contemplating a breakup before they do it? Aren't dumpers, regardless of gender, pretty much universally 'emotionally moved on' when they do the dumping?
orangehose Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I agree with carhill's wisdom - looks like it may be too early for an actual new relationship at this point. It IS so messed up that we, the dumpees, can have a harder time moving on than our dumpers. But speaking for myself, I know my faith in romantic love has been seriously ****ed with. It's going to take a while before I'm going to be able to trust someone again, or indeed, even trust the whole enterprise of 'relationships'. If I were to start dating again, there's no way I could refrain from rolling my eyes at a guy telling me I was cool or awesome or whatever. I'd be like, 'yeah, that's what you're saying TODAY'.
kizik Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 It IS so messed up that we, the dumpees, can have a harder time moving on than our dumpers. Makes perfect sense to me. Dumpers dump b/c they no longer love the person, or their feelings have changed. Since we, the Dumped, still love or care about that person, we're often taken by surprise and are months or years behind the Dumper as far as realization and acceptance goes. my faith in romantic love has been seriously ****ed with. It's going to take a while before I'm going to be able to trust someone again, or indeed, even trust the whole enterprise of 'relationships'. Yes, I'm very cynical right now. I can't even stand being around couples. I get angry and sad and jealous all at once. I definitely have a better radar for unhappy couples, though, seeing as how my ex and I were one for the better part of a year at least.
carhill Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I don't get this - are you suggesting that some/many men DON'T spend time contemplating a breakup before they do it? Aren't dumpers, regardless of gender, pretty much universally 'emotionally moved on' when they do the dumping? Yes, IMO, gender is irrelevant to the process. I disconnected emotionally from my wife 2 years ago but was in no condition to act on anything until getting MC and recovering my "sanity". Now I can decide whether the M is recoverable. There are glimpses of light here and there. For each of us, there is a differing level of intrinsic commitment to ideals and people and I guess that's what is keeping me in the fight right now. Otherwise, I'd have proven your point
Author foxh1234 Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Fox, reading about your situation is very interesting to me. I didn't know you were seeing someone, that is so cool. It sounds like you are not over the ex enough to be into this new chick, though. I find myself thinking about how much I want a new chick all day, thinking about sex and all that, and reading the above posts make me think perhaps I'm not ready, perhaps it's not all it's cracked up to be. My ex is still very much in my head and I think I would feel weird dating someone... still, I would like to. I need to know someone finds me attractive. Badly. I'm glad you are going to be straightforward with the new chick. It shows integrity and that is awesome. You care about her enough to be honest, and she will appreciate it, though I'm sure it will hurt her a bit. Doesn't it feel weird to be on the other side of the fence? Hi Kiz, yeah I went out on a couple of dates with this woman and we kind of hit it off. We have been seeing each other and getting intimate for a week or so. As I said above, I am not ready for things to move forward and I am going to talk to her tomorrow. I wanted to have sex really bad and when I did, all it did was make me think of the ex. As far as being on the other side of the fence, I wish I had not dated her at all. I hate to hurt her because I am screwed up over my friggin ex. I am going to tell her that maybe down the road we can try and date again, if she wants to. I am not ready for any of this at this point.
kizik Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Fox, do you think if you'd held off on sex with her, you wouldn't be feeling how you are now?
Author foxh1234 Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Fox, do you think if you'd held off on sex with her, you wouldn't be feeling how you are now? I don't think so Kiz. Just hanging out with her brought the same feelings. I was sitting with her and talking and thinking how I wish she was my ex. I really thought sex would make me feel better but it didn't. I was very attracted to her and it seemed like she was attracted also, but I just wasn't into it like I thought I would be. I like this woman but I know I am not ready for any of this yet. I am going to talk to her tomorrow and explain. I probably won't see her again for awhile after we talk. My only advice to you Kiz is be sure you are ready before jumping in. I feel worse instead of better.
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