Need Answers

[Redfive33]

So my wife of 4 years says to me the other day that she doesn't love me anymore. We have four beautiful children, a house, you know the whole 9 yards. Anyhow about 1 1/2 years ago we started having problems. I noticed my wife becoming more distant, separating herself from me and eventually our kids. I thought it was me, until our kids asked me one day whats wrong with mom ? About 6 months ago I realized we needed to do something about this, so after consulting with my wife, we seeked counceling. In those sessions, my wife informed me that she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. But she wasn't able to give a reason why. She said she started feeling that way while I went away on a buisness trip for 8 days about a year previous. We went to about 4-5 sessions and then stopped after our councelor informed us that my wife wasn't able to "open up " and should seek one on one counceling. My wife was informed by our theropist, her friends,co workers as well as myself that she needed to go through with this. She attended to sessions and then stopped. Everything seemed fine, we were getting along, we were intimate, and affectionate, until the other day, then she came out and stated that she wasn't in love with me anymore and she feels trapped. She said that her feelings had really never changed and that she doesn't think she wants to be married anymore. I am more confused now then ever... does anyone have any advice? Should I prepare for a separation or divorce ? Or should I attempt counceling again ? Please help

 

Red5 standing by ..

[Keridan]

Red5, I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I can imagine how much it hurts. I'm afraid this is a tough situation to give advice on.

 

Unfortunately, marriage is absolutely a two person thing. You have to both want to be in it for it to work. I am always for making sure you give it every chance, but it sounds like you've done most of that already. Maybe it's time to ask her if there is anything that can change it or if what she said was the final word. The answer to that is the answer to your dilemma.

 

I'm sorry, buddy, but it does sound like she's already made up her mind. You might want to be prepared for the statement "It's over". I truely hope I'm wrong, though.

 

I'm sorry I can't be more help. All I can do is give a couple opinions.

[TrustInYourself]

What do you want to do? What's your perspective on the marriage? How do you feel about your wife? Do you feel she has a reason to feel trapped? What has she expressed in the past that might help you make sense of this situation.

 

I would be careful about arguing with her at the moment. Bottle up the emotions and try to speak to her rationally. If you have a poker face, play your poker face. It's time to do some serious self evaluations.

 

Most likely she will attempt to force you into validating her thoughts on the marriage. She'll attempt to reinforce her beliefs and feelings about this situation. Starting arguments, looking for reasons to devalue your marriage, rewriting history, etc. Just be cool and collected. Ask her for what she wants, be prepared for the answer.

[Billy Bob]

Should I prepare for a separation or divorce ? Or should I attempt counceling again ? Please help

 

Red5 standing by ..

 

I would prepare for divorce if I were you... do yourself a favor and do a little snooping (if you haven't already)... I'd say 80% or more stories like you are telling us involve another guy she's talking to on the internet, or someone she's been discreetly seeing (maybe when you were off on your business trip). Check her cell phone records, text messages.. install a keylogger on her PC.

[Nomad1]

Cta is perceptive as usual. I agree. There must be someone else in the picture. People only begin to question their love for you when there is someone else on board. Move on my friend. Go 180 eg. do the complete opposite of what you normally do. If you tried to fix things, tell her that there is nothing to fix and that you agree with her that the relationship is ove. Stick to it! Start a new life. She's gone.

 

Nomad1

[Billy Bob]

Whatever you do, don't confront her and start talking about divorce.. the way she is feeling now, she would love for you to make the divorce decision for her.. You need to try to emotionally detach and look at this in a logical way.

 

Does she work? Does she make a decent salary? When she divorces, you will be on the hook for child support for your 4 kids.. If she has custody.

 

Now if she is secretly seeing someone or dreaming about it (they usually detach from their kids when they are!) then you may have a small window where you could actually get her to give you custody of the kids.

 

You have to forget about her welfare and think about your welfare and quality of life (and your kids). She has already emotionally detached, she is trying to figure out how to get out of this marriage, how she could make it with the kids, maybe she doesn't want to totally crush you, but she doesn't want to be married to you anymore. Maybe she wants to leave the kids with you, but has to be sure that when her life is on-track...(maybe with some other guy), that she could get them back..

 

She thinks you are clueless, keep it that way. Start getting divorce or legal seperation papers prepared, keep tabs on your finances, start becoming aware! See a lawyer, don't let her know you are doing any of this.

 

If you do find evidence she is cheating, don't confront her, don't even change your behavior around her. Gather info and protect yourself and your assets. Don't believe anything she says.

[Gatormaniac]

So sorry, Redfive. Cta has given you sound advice. As difficult as it may be, you would be well served to follow it.

[Mr. Lucky]

So my wife of 4 years says to me the other day that she doesn't love me anymore. We have four beautiful children, a house, you know the whole 9 yards.

I'm curious Red5, did the two of you have 4 kids in 4 years?

 

Mr. Lucky