Age difference

[Sparticus]

When it comes to relationships, I've noticed that I am usually attracted to women who are older than I am. For the record, I am 23 years old, and in this case I am attracted to someone in their early 30's. I have no issues with our age difference at all, but there are a few things making this difficult. I just came out of a relationship over a month ago which ended very badly with someone much younger (The first person I've ever dated younger than I am), but I've been able to put that aside. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this isn't a rebound attraction. I like her maturity and mindset on things, the way she thinks and lives, equally as much as I am simply attracted to her physically. She's beautiful, inside and out. I've found that very hard to find amongst women my age where I live. My problem is this. I think she may have an issue with our age difference. I've heard through her own sister that she is attracted to me, but she doesn't know if the age difference would be an issue. The problem is, I don't want to rush things, and make her feel uncomfortable, but at the same time, I want to make sure she knows I am interested in her, and would like to work on a more personal relationship with her, but I'm not afraid to wait for that, because I know she is going through some changes in her personal and professional life that require a lot of her attention. It's important to me that she follows through with her plans because beyond anything and everything, I want her to be happy. I let her know the other day how happy I've been lately and how glad I am that we've been spending so much time together. I let her know how important she is to me, but I'm somewhat afraid that in itself may have been too forward at this point in time, although none of it was exxagerated. She responded first in saying that I was like the brother she had always wanted, which in almost every case means there's little to no attraction, or desire for moving forward beyond friendship. She also said that she is going through a hard time right now, which I knew, but that she wants the best things in life for me, and in time when she gets things in her own life rearranged, she wants the best things for her as well. I decided to basically leave what I told her out in the open, because it hasn't and won't change. I think she is amazing, but I'm afraid to push any thought forward of becoming more than friends right now, until she can figure things out. I would just forget it, except I don't think her sister would have told me she was interested in me if she really wasn't, and I believe there is a shared feeling between us when we're spending time together that just too pre-mature to act apon right now, with where she is at. I certainly don't want to jeopardize anything I have with her now. That's my biggest fear.

 

Theres the somewhat brief history, now comes my question:

 

Is the woman being older than the man in a relationship really important at all, and is my choice to not act on my feelings for her correct, due to the fact that I want her to find the peace in her personal life she is searching for? I know when we're spending time together, I don't feel the age difference. I know that doesn't apply with everyone though. So what do you think?

[Tony T]

Every situation is different. Generally, however, most women who have had normal intellectual and emotional development go for men their own age or older. Many women, in my opinion, look for a man they can count on for strength, guidance, etc. The nurturing part of a female might seek out a younger man, temporarilly, who may need her to meet various needs. A nu,ber of woman want a man she can look up to for his wisdom and leadership.

 

Now, this doesn't mean your situation can't work out. But you have to talk to your lady about this, communicate with her effectively, and see just where he head is at. There aren't a whole lot of females willing to undergo the social stigma of having a much younger male at her arms...particularly later on when she begins to age.

 

This gets real complicated and, as I said above, every situation is different. Another thing you should consider...you may be attracted to older women now....but if you should marry one would you be attracted to her in years to come?

 

Meditate on this issue and work it out before you hurt yourself and perhaps others. But make your own decision based on your feelings and your willingness to accept whatever consequences there are...good or bad.

[Sparticus]

Originally posted by Tony

Another thing you should consider...you may be attracted to older women now....but if you should marry one would you be attracted to her in years to come?

 

I think so. Not to step too far forward, but for the sake of example: In our age difference between her and I, we're only talking about 8 years. It's not a huge gap. Which means when I'm 50 she's going to be 58, and I don't foresee that as ever being a problem with me. I do recognize, however, what you said about how she might look apon being with a younger guy. I would just really hate to see something like age be a deciding factor between two people who seemingly compliment eachother in many ways when they are together. I know I probably live by my emotions to a fault, so I don't always see things like this right upfront.

 

Meditating and simply being patient, are two activities I will be participating in greatly with this. Thank you for your comments

[moimeme]

Women, as a rule, look for a man they can count on for strength, guidance, etc. The nurturing part of a female might seek out a younger man, temporarilly, who may need her to meet various needs. But overall, a woman wants a man she can look up to for his wisdom and leadership.

 

Now, this doesn't mean your situation can't work out. But you have to talk to your lady about this, communicate with her effectively, and see just where he head is at. There aren't a whole lot of females willing to undergo the social stigma of having a much younger male at her arms...particularly later on when she begins to age.

 

Tony, I wish you would quit speaking for women. First of all, pretty much any statement that purports to represent the views of all women or all men is fallacious for that very premise; individuals are individuals and they vary widely in tastes and opinions.

 

To begin with, to state that 'a woman wants a man she can look up to for his wisdom and leadership' is total BS. Some women may want that; others want an EQUAL partnership where neither is considered the wiser or the leader. This being the 21st century and all.

 

You are equating 'age' with 'wisdom' which is also bullfeathers. I have met men in their twenties who were very wise (my ex was one) and men in their sixties who haven't a clue - and, truthfully, more of the latter. Every single relationship has its own dynamic. I have only had one boyfriend who was older than me; my guys have ranged from 4 to 8 years younger and when you're an adult, those few years do not make much difference in terms of wisdom or maturity.

 

There isn't a social stigma about a man with an older woman - for the woman, that is. There can be for the man but that's for the man to decide; whatever the case, that stigma is reserved for significant age differences (12-15 years plus).

 

Have you looked at the news these days? There are a bunch of 40-ish actresses sporting young studs on their arms and the whole attitude in the public is 'you GO girl'! Where did you think the term 'boy toy' came from anyway?

 

Sparticus (sic), eight years is no biggie. Go for it!

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by Tony

Generally, however, women who have had normal intellectual and emotional development go for men their own age or older. Women, as a rule, look for a man they can count on for strength, guidance, etc. The nurturing part of a female might seek out a younger man, temporarily, who may need her to meet various needs. A number of women want a man she can look up to for his wisdom and leadership.

 

I realize that you prefaced this with the word "generally," but I am one woman who disagrees with what you've said. And yes, I have normal intellectual and emotional development.

 

I think people in general (not just women) look for mates whom they can count on for strength and support. I don't agree with the guidance part. I can guide myself just fine. And I don't look for men I can nurture, simply someone who would be a good partner in life; someone I am attracted to, someone I enjoy spending time with, someone who treats me with respect. Those things are important to me. I don't want a man who "needs" me for anything necessarily, but someone who wants me, regardless of age.

 

I would definitely date a man younger than me. Like Tony said though, it's a case by case basis. If she truly likes you and feels a connection to you, she shouldn't let the age difference affect her decision.

[Sparticus]

She hasn't told me that yet herself,(that being its an age thing), but thats what I've heard coming from her sister who happens to room with her right now. I know that if anything is to come of this, it will require some patience and understanding on my part, to show that someone younger can be just as steady and stable as someone older. I'm willing to wait, but I know it will take further communication as well. Right now, its not something I think I will bring up so soon, but as time goes by, I'll revisit it. I think the best thing I can do is let her get used to me, and give her more time to know me better, don't you? Like the old Heinz commercial, I also believe that the best things come to those who wait. With anything, I think if its meant to be, it will. I feel a connection, and I'm pretty sure she does too. If its truly an age thing, I hope time can overcome it. I've always felt older than my age reflects, and I do not act like 95% of guys my age where I live. I know this to be true because whenever I'm around my own age group, I feel so aloof. In relationships, I don't like to play mind games or manipulation games, and there is a lot of that amongst couples in my age group. I know we both feel the same way about games, because we've both talked about it.

 

I really appreciate your feedback Thank you.

[Paul]

Originally posted by moimeme

First of all, pretty much any statement that purports to represent the views of all women or all men is fallacious for that very premise; individuals are individuals and they vary widely in tastes and opinions.

 

Well said. I think this should become part of the LoveShack.org standard disclaimer.

[Tony T]

I like that as a policy disclaimer too. I rarely see people representing the views of all women, all men, or all people. As a matter of fact, statistically that would be totally insane to do. People with a brain know that ALL people in the world could not possibly have the same opinion about anything or be the same way. It is also totally insane to interpret that any human over the IQ of 10 would do that intentionally.

 

I also think we should have a policy disclaimer that only people who have proper reading comprehension should view posts and only people with the elasticity of thought to know when someone has worded something improperly but unintentionally should be on the forum and that those should not make a meal out of the mistake.

 

I have never done it...but I think it's pathetic that people would pounce on petty wording without first asking the poster what they meant. I ask people what they meant all the time and I understand when people write things they don't mean because they were writing too fast or whatever.

 

In my opinion, people who pounce on the mistakes of others in order to get their jollies or get their rocks off must lead sorrowful lives.

 

I also believe we should have a policy of world peace!

[moimeme]

Hm. Last tested reading comprehension results: 99th percentile.

 

May I suggest that if a person wishes to avoid being 'pounced on' for 'petty wording' issues, then that person might attempt to avoid using phrases like

[color=red]Generally, however, women who have had normal intellectual and emotional development [/color]go for men their own age or older

and

Women, [color=red]as a rule[/color], look for a man they can count on for strength, guidance

 

Might I suggest that a prolific and experienced poster who wishes to avoid being 'misunderstood' avoid the use of such phrases in future lest that poster be thought to be making brash broad statements. People who do have excellent reading comprehension (and even those who do not) understand that the words 'generally' and 'as a rule' imply that whatever is being said purports to apply to the majority of the subjects being discussed, after all.

[Paul]

That's it. The two of you are getting locked in a room together until you kiss and make up.

[my_mother's_daughter]

There does seem to be a *tussle* of opinion here!!

 

Basically Spart, I would say love falls where it falls, and the "age thing" need only be as much of a problem as your lady friend would choose to make of it. It's not even such a large gap, so if you're wondering whether to pursue this or not... do YOU want to make it work? If so, be totally honest with her, explain that you realise there is an age gap of , was it, 11 years? but that to you it's completely irrelevant and that if she feels she could put up with your immaturity (friendly joke - and i mean it in years lived, not emotional capability) you would love nothing better than to prove to her how perfect a match it will be.

 

I will say though that you should make sure that you absolutely mean it and are sure of this before you allow someone to put their trust in you. And you know what? If you decide you want this and you take the plunge, you might just be posting in the marriage forum this time next year.....

 

I say if it feels right, go for it!!

 

xxx

[Sparticus]

I want to make it work very much so. The gap is actually only 8 years, but even so, it doesn't feel like any gap at all. I would very much so like to make it work between us. In fact, I'd like nothing more than that. I'm in no hurry to rush off and go get married, but I never try to persue any relationship with someone, if I couldn't see that person as someone I could marry when the time was right for both of us. If it works, you just might see me posting in there someday. Right now, I just want that relationship with her to begin first, and see what happens from there. She consumes the majority of my daily thoughts.

[moimeme]

That's it. The two of you are getting locked in a room together until you kiss and make up

 

Let's see, Lucy used to utter exactly the correct reply to such a proposal. What was it again? Oh, right:

 

[color=olive]AUGH![/color]

[oneflower]

Okay lets look at this age thing another way. I have been in love before with a man who was my age and we were married 8 years and than we devoriced. (sorry about my spelling) Now you probably thinking what does she know about it, right. Just keep reading k.

 

Eventhough we devoriced I would not have changed not one minute of it.

Sometimes I think life is full of surprises and that what we think is not right may not be right for some but maybe right for us as induviduals(grammer to sorry) because what comes to us as we grow or venture is what makes us who we are.

 

I think the reason it bothers us to be in a relationship of age difference is because deep in us we don't know if things are going to chance letter.

Let me tell you this yes they do, all things change it is. But you all ready know this, so what your really asking is if it changes will it be something good for you or bad, will you like it or won't you, can you ajust to the change or not.

I don't think it is the people persay but your own perseption of the idea and what it will take you through in the long run.

 

This is my advice 1. Lets say you go for it and you follow your heart and right now today your heart is full of love for this person. You guys get hitched or just live together or what ever and something happens and she lives only five years after you commit or you part and go one your own ways. Now ask yourselves is this person worth 5,6,4,3 and etc. years of mylife.

Would you regret spending that time with that person and if it doesn't work out would it be time regreted or time apprectated.

So many people these days have sex to soon in a relationship and not full understanding there feels and there needs. Than they wonder why there not happy after a year or two it is really no ones fault but there own.

If it is just sex than understand that and be friend and respect each other and enjoy it for all the beauty it offers. If it is more than that respect it and find all the beauty in it your hearts will do the rest. We don't know how long forever is.

My mother said this to me "Don't look for someone you can live with, Look for someone you can't live without" when you find that you will know with out a dout your in love and love is deeper and more fullfilling that anything you could ever amagine. when you really love someone and they you than if it doesn't work out the love will remain and you will never really part. be the best friends you can be cause in the long run it is the glue that will bind if you don't have that then it is just a thing and except it as that.