bish Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 STBXW called - movers arrived today to move her into her hew house. She never looked back... She's looking forward to her new found future (which I am financing). She was talking business only. She appreciates the cooperation I provided in getting through the legal paperwork to set her free... "If you love someone, set them free" Seems it was too easy for her to leave. I am in anguish. I apologized that I didn't understand her needs during our marriage, but that I do now - I have learned to much... I love her and want to try to start over from scratch. She said that she does not see that happening - I hurt her too much and that she will never recover from the pain I caused her by not loving her enough. Being single parents is very difficult... I thought that alone would keep some connection between us. I have kept up the hope that things could reconcile... I am seeing that will take a MIRACLE. Hope is lost. New reality is here. How do I cope ? Please do not provide advice that I should start dating other people - that is not coping that is masking. Been there done that my brutha. And yes, it feels like she ruined you. But you will be back on your feet within a year after the divorce. Why is divorce so expensive?? ..................because its worth it.
TrustInYourself Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I have put so much into trying to save my marriage - to deaf ears. I have tried to keep the hope and faith that there was some remote chance - it helped me survive over past 5 months. With the Ex response today that effectively squashed my hope... What am I supposed to do now and for next 12 months of married separation (apart from match.com)... longing to be with Ex. who doesn't want anything from me other than civililty and money. Getting back into my empty house... waiting for my parenting turn with my daughter... Faith and hope has to be tempered with realism. Get rid of this woe is me crap. You need to see the light. Life can and will go on. You can choose to get on with your life and grow from all of this. Or you can choose to bathe in your despair. Your grief and sorrow are not doing anything for you but making you feel worse. At some point, you're going to have to man up. You're going to have to say, hell with that woman. I was a happy, great guy before she entered the picture. There was a reason she married you. That reason, that person, is still in there, waiting for you to give him a chance. I'll say it again. Go out there, experience life on your own, cry while you are doing it, breathe the air of freedom, smile that you're alive, spend some money on yourself, do things that you enjoy, talk to old friends, make new friends, break barriers you never knew you could break. This is just the beginning, not the end. Pain is temporary. Love can not be denied, even if it's not with the person we think we should be in love with.
Author SingleDad Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Thanks TIY - I was waiting to hear from you - You have continually provided me with great advice and support. I have my daughter all weekend so that should help - I can focus on her. I think I will limit my time back at the house this weekend - Ex said she moved everything out today... not sure I'm ready to be in an empty house.
TrustInYourself Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Of course. I will be here with you as well as everyone else who is going through this nonsense. The day my wife moved out, it opened my eyes to what was going on. There's going to be sadness, no doubt. Accept it and then deal with it. It's normal to feel extreme grief and loss and you know it's coming. Be ready for it. Next step is to take charge of the situation. You are not lost without your wife. I can tell that you are a hard working, dedicated father and husband. Now you are a hard working, dedicated single father. We are the top echelon of male society. Take pride in that. Finally, your wife only has as much power of you are willing to give her. Love her, but realize she's not the one that has always made you happy. You are the one that has made everyone happy in that house. That person can get through this and be a guiding and shining light to all those around him. Don't despair for long. You can make it, just believe in yourself. Trust in yourself.
Navin_R_Johnson Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Nah, life will get good again. I think you have a great situation, you have your daughter just enough that you won't feel like an absent parent and you will still be a primary parent, and you have your stbxw as a babysitter the rest of the time! cta, this is one of the best perspectives I've read on here in the past 9 months. Very nice take!!
Mr. Lucky Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 In addition to the $1,133 mo. child support, I pay $572 daycare (65%), plus 100% health and 50% of all educational and extracurricular costs for the next 19 years. Had to take out a 2nd mtg. to pay out the $100k lump sum - just 3.5 years of marriage Divorce is a jackpot for the spouse who earns less. Realistically, this is what it would cost you to raise your daughter were you still married. I gladly paid similar child support until my son was 18 and then half of college and all of graduate school. Your fiscal relationship with your child doesn't have anything to do with the state of your marriage. Having said that, I know the turmoil you're going through as the non-divorcing spouse. Give it time and just focus on rebuilding your life with your child. You'll need to keep a level head - trust me, there are more challenges to come... Mr. Lucky
FloraPost Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Invest in YOURSELF and your CHILD. As for your STBXW, chances are she brought the problems into the marriage with her. Chances are there is NOTHING you could have done, no one you could have been that would have satisfied her. In my experience, if you can't be fairly healthy and secure in yourself as an individual, you sure aren't going to get there in a marriage! your STBXW sounds like she's going to just get worse given the choices she's making. And that's why I say to invest yourself in yourself and your child. You are going to be needed to be the one sane and healthy parent. My Mom always likes to say that as long as kids have at least one sane parent, they've got a good chance. I've comforted myself with that over and over. Kids are smart. When they see the difference between two parents when one is loopy or makes bad choices, they usually can tell which parent is the "real" one. They may take advantage of the sick one at times but deep inside, they know who to call when they need help. MAKE SURE THAT IS YOU! (can you tell I'm preaching to myself here too?)
Gunny376 Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Invest in YOURSELF and your CHILD. As for your STBXW, chances are she brought the problems into the marriage with her. Chances are there is NOTHING you could have done, no one you could have been that would have satisfied her. In my experience, if you can't be fairly healthy and secure in yourself as an individual, you sure aren't going to get there in a marriage! your STBXW sounds like she's going to just get worse given the choices she's making. And that's why I say to invest yourself in yourself and your child. You are going to be needed to be the one sane and healthy parent. My Mom always likes to say that as long as kids have at least one sane parent, they've got a good chance. I've comforted myself with that over and over. Kids are smart. When they see the difference between two parents when one is loopy or makes bad choices, they usually can tell which parent is the "real" one. They may take advantage of the sick one at times but deep inside, they know who to call when they need help. MAKE SURE THAT IS YOU! (can you tell I'm preaching to myself here too?) Yep! Totally agree!
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Single dad meets gym member-ship within months single dad transforms into superdad, able to bang single supermodels in a single bound, faster than a crazy bi polar ex wife. taking care of his children with one arm tied behind his back! lol. You get my point, just take care of yourself enjoy your freedom.
LostHusband Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 After a long night of dealing with everything around the house, making dinner, doing dishes, doing laundry, picking up around the house, giving the kids baths, putting them in their PJs, getting their teeth brushed, putting them to bed, reading them stories, going up there when they are still awake to help them fall asleep, bringing them things and then finally they fall asleep - I always get the mood to jam the R.E.M. song Superman - "I am...I am a Superman, and I can do anything..."
Gunny376 Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 After a long night of dealing with everything around the house, making dinner, doing dishes, doing laundry, picking up around the house, giving the kids baths, putting them in their PJs, getting their teeth brushed, putting them to bed, reading them stories, going up there when they are still awake to help them fall asleep, bringing them things and then finally they fall asleep - I always get the mood to jam the R.E.M. song Superman - "I am...I am a Superman, and I can do anything..." "I get knocked down! I get up AGAIN! They're NEVER going to keep me down!"
FloraPost Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Gunny, Chrome, and LH, You gave me the best laugh of my day. And I needed one. Thanks. I always throw my head back and howl at the ceiling: "I AM the Empress of the Universe!" And you should see me in my invisible plane...
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