SingleDad Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 STBXW called - movers arrived today to move her into her hew house. She never looked back... She's looking forward to her new found future (which I am financing). She was talking business only. She appreciates the cooperation I provided in getting through the legal paperwork to set her free... "If you love someone, set them free" Seems it was too easy for her to leave. I am in anguish. I apologized that I didn't understand her needs during our marriage, but that I do now - I have learned to much... I love her and want to try to start over from scratch. She said that she does not see that happening - I hurt her too much and that she will never recover from the pain I caused her by not loving her enough. Being single parents is very difficult... I thought that alone would keep some connection between us. I have kept up the hope that things could reconcile... I am seeing that will take a MIRACLE. Hope is lost. New reality is here. How do I cope ? Please do not provide advice that I should start dating other people - that is not coping that is masking.
WTFOVERMAN Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Brother-Her leaving is probably the best thing for you. She will tell you that you pushed her away more and more everyday. Dont beleive it. Be there for you child and dont entertain her BS. She is not devoted to you or the marriage anymore. It is really easy for you to accept blame right now due to her pushing it on you. FIGHT FOR CUSTODY! ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU CONTRIBUTED BUT SHE PLACED THE LINE IN THE SAND! Walk away with you head held high and dont pray for miracles. It just aint gonna happen. You will recover from this. Try to do a legal agreement that outlines your rights to your child as well as you stuff. Nothing good will come out of you waiting. Hit her with more than she can handle and that alone will make you feel better because you will be on your terms vice hers. Life is too short! Live it-hit some new coochie-be a great dad-do a 180 on her. The future friendship will be what you make it. Women are weird creatures when it comes to levels of relationships and you are nothing more than a ****ty Husband and a Great Guy in her eyes. It just doesnt relate/sit well in our minds. We cannot comprehend. They come up with the wildest ****! Accept that she is flawed and will only take that mental/emotional baggage to her new relationship. On the bright side, you have been given a new lease on life.
Author SingleDad Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 I have a number of threads out there already. This has been a 5 month process. Legal separation was signed June 12, with very good custody terms - Joint legal and physical custody 6 of 14 overnights - STBXW will live about 5 miles away. Yet it is still happening too fast. We have a 2.5yo daughter together - I would have thought there would be second thoughts, try to make it work, etc. I've been doing the single dad thing for past 3 months. Learning how to be a great father - yet still trying to cope. Never thought I would be a single dad - let alone for the next 15 years (till college). I am scared to death of the future - I feel divorce is worse than death of a spouse. At least with death, there is an immediate knowledge of the result. I will just have to learn to cope and adjust - Holy hell - this is excruciating !!!
Billy Bob Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Hope is lost. New reality is here. How do I cope ? Please do not provide advice that I should start dating other people - that is not coping that is masking. Throw an active profile up on match.com, you don't have to date anyone.. trust me it will help restore your ego a little. The interesting thing about this is that once you do move-on and don't want her back.. once you are happy again without her... when she realizes that you have moved on and are enjoying life without her... she will probably want a second chance.. It just takes time.. As soon as you really accept it's over, pretty soon your heartache will turn to bitterness and anger.. this will pass too and then you just won't give a **** about her anymore. Just takes time. The sooner you accept the fact that the relationship is over, the sooner you start thinking about this as the first day of the rest of your life, the sooner you will heal.
carhill Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 STBXW called - movers arrived today to move her into her hew house. She never looked back... She's looking forward to her new found future (which I am financing). She was talking business only. She appreciates the cooperation I provided in getting through the legal paperwork to set her free... "If you love someone, set them free" When your daughter is grown, you will look back and thank your deity of choice for this moving along as smoothly as it has. You're very fortunate. Right now, it's painful, of course. Money and stuff can always be replaced. You have your dignity and self-worth intact. Many folks likely would/will advise some ego boosting, but I'll be a contrarian and opine now is a good time for reflection and building/re-building friendships which likely have languished in recent times. Save the ego validation for later
Billy Bob Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Never thought I would be a single dad - let alone for the next 15 years (till college). I am scared to death of the future - I feel divorce is worse than death of a spouse. At least with death, there is an immediate knowledge of the result. I will just have to learn to cope and adjust - Holy hell - this is excruciating !!! Nah, life will get good again. I think you have a great situation, you have your daughter just enough that you won't feel like an absent parent and you will still be a primary parent, and you have your stbxw as a babysitter the rest of the time! You daughter is young enough that if you get remarried in a couple years that she would bond with that someone. You can use this opportunity to trade-up to a better model (of spouse)! Find one a little younger, cuter, thinner, smarter and more committed! Use this as a learning opportunity, don't make the same mistakes twice. I know what I am looking for in a partner now. I won't take **** from any woman, don't need to as I am perfectly happy being a single dad.
quankanne Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 don't worry about the dating or hooking up thing at this point, right now, you need to focus on picking up the additional pieces you've discovered on the ground when you realized that she's really not coming back. It's okay to grieve, and for as long as you need – there will always be a dating world out there when you're ready. Jumping into bed with someone just to "show her" will just blow up in your face, IMO, when you're not ready for that particular change just yet. meanwhile, I'm curious what you mean when you say "She's looking forward to her new found future (which I am financing)" – does this mean that despite the fact that SHE wanted out of the marriage, YOU are expected to continue to be financially responsible for her? OH HELL NO! It's only right that she pull her own weight to support herself, not keep you strung along by expecting you to be her financial provider! And I'm not talking child-support, which is a whole other ball of wax
Moose Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Not for custody, not for a lesser settlement....nothing..... At least I wouldn't. Show her you're moving on too......(not that you are, and I understand that).. A lot of times, the things we want the most come to us if we ignore them....
Author SingleDad Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 meanwhile, I'm curious what you mean when you say "She's looking forward to her new found future (which I am financing)" – does this mean that despite the fact that SHE wanted out of the marriage, YOU are expected to continue to be financially responsible for her? OH HELL NO! It's only right that she pull her own weight to support herself, not keep you strung along by expecting you to be her financial provider! And I'm not talking child-support, which is a whole other ball of wax No - we agreed to a lump sum equity settlement upfront rather than paying the attorney's to fight through a divorce until there was nothing left. The money is enought to put 20% down on a house and have plenty left for furniture and spending. Then there is $1,100 mo. for child support which it more than enough for principal and taxes on my daughter's 2nd home - I doubt any of it will really be spend on my daughter directly. Effectively I financed a new life for my Ex with a new home, spending cash and 20 years of mortgage payments. Not bad for 3.5 yr marriage. Of course, that is the cynical was of looking at it.
carhill Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Smart move, S_D, and my compliments to you for your level head in dealing with this. I'd do the same, not for my wife, but for myself. I enjoy sleeping well at night
Billy Bob Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Ouch! She gets $1100/month child support for 1 kid? And you have the kid roughly 40% of the time? That doesn't seem to compute.. but??? I have 2 grade school age kids 90% of the time and get $450/mo. from my ex-wife.. Wish she made more money!
carhill Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Technically it's spousal and child support, via mutual agreement, right OP? Not knowing their financials, but inferring from the settlement numbers, I think he did well. A good 10 years of that number could've been chewed up in a settlement and custody battle....and he'd still have to pay something...
Author SingleDad Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Yes - NY rules are 1 child 17% of first $80k cap on proportionate household income - regardless of parental time (unless child becomes permanent resident of payor); intent is to somewhat equalize household income for benefit of child. Cap can also be unlimited. Lump sum was division of marital assets value
TrustInYourself Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I'm sorry to hear it. It's time to make life better for yourself. There's steps you can take to make the pain go away. Learn some of them. Best of luck man.
LakesideDream Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 SD, first things first... give up the fooling yourself routine. You started out a hard charging, I'm bad, I'll change guy. It didn't work, never does long term. Just consentrate on being SD, the best you can be and ignore the rest. Good Luck.
luvmy2ns Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 No - we agreed to a lump sum equity settlement upfront rather than paying the attorney's to fight through a divorce until there was nothing left. The money is enought to put 20% down on a house and have plenty left for furniture and spending. Then there is $1,100 mo. for child support which it more than enough for principal and taxes on my daughter's 2nd home - I doubt any of it will really be spend on my daughter directly. Effectively I financed a new life for my Ex with a new home, spending cash and 20 years of mortgage payments. Not bad for 3.5 yr marriage. Of course, that is the cynical was of looking at it. $1,100 a month *choke* for child support *choke*? I get $169 a month from my son's sperm doner (ex H) for our 14 year old boy. Hang in there, SD. You'll be okay. It may take awhile, but you'll get yourself back.
Billy Bob Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Yes - NY rules are 1 child 17% of first $80k cap on proportionate household income - regardless of parental time (unless child becomes permanent resident of payor); intent is to somewhat equalize household income for benefit of child. Cap can also be unlimited. Lump sum was division of marital assets value So what you are saying, if you have your daughter 55% of the time instead of the 45% you have her now.. then she'd be paying you child support? Bah, I'd fight that one on principle, you're getting the shaft big time. What about a 50/50 joint custody agreement? I'd explore my options better if I were you.
Author SingleDad Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 No its income differential only - very little impact for custody time. If she made more than me then she would be paying me child support. I make twice what she makes, so the child support brings our incomes closer together. We have 50/50 joint custody already. I have to support my home for my daughter and I have to pay ex. to support her home for my daughter.
carhill Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 This is not legal advice and IANAL: How is child support and alimony calculated? The Child Support Standards Act (CSSA) provides that children under the age of 21 are entitled to be supported by that formula. Child support is determined by multiplying the combined parental income of the parents up to $80,000 by the appropriate child support percentage (17% for one child, 25% for two children, 29% for three children, 31% for four children and 35% for five or more children), and then allocate the amount between the parents according to their share of the total income. Where the combined parental income exceeds $80,000, the court has discretion to make an award based on this additional income by considering factors such as the financial resources of the parents; the special needs of the children; the standard of living the children would have enjoyed had the marriage not been dissolved; the non-monetary contributions of the parents towards the child; the educational needs of the parents; and a determination that the income of one parent is substantially less than the other parent's income. As an example, let's say that there are two children of the marriage. The non-custodial parent, the husband, has an income of $200,000 annually and the custodial parent, the wife, has an income of $50,000 per year. The husband's pro rata share of the basic support obligation is 80%. Since there are two children, the first $80,000 of income must be multiplied by 25%, which equals $20,000 per year of basic support obligation. The husband's pro rata share is calculated as 80% X $20,000 per year or $16,000 per year. This is the mandatory obligation. The court must then consider the combined income over $80,000, to wit, $17,000 x 25% x 80% pro rata share = $34,000. The court has discretion to award up to $34,000 in additional child support. In addition to basic child support, the court may also award a pro rata share of childcare, health and education expenses depending on the circumstances of the case. Alimony, which is called "maintenance" in New York, is more discretionary, and is meant to provide financial support to the spouse to enable him or her to become self-supporting. The amount and duration of maintenance is determined by various factors including the length of the marriage; the age, health and education of the parties; the parties' marital lifestyle and standard of living; whether a spouse gave up his or her career to be a homemaker and full time parent, (lost earning capacity); the time, expense and education necessary to rehabilitate a spouse who has been out of the workforce; and the future earning capacity of each party. When calculating maintenance, the court will first subtract from the payor spouse's income the amount awarded as child support so as not to double count income. An attorney experienced in the field of matrimonial law should be able to predict the amount and duration of support based on knowledge of prior cases.
Author SingleDad Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Yup - aweful... Our combined income is over the cap - thus I could be paying a lot more if it had gone throug the courts. They don't limit to the cap anymore.
Gatormaniac Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 SD, trust me on this one: Forget about Match and all those other sites...You are NOT ready to date! You've already said that you still love her. If you drag that into another relationship you will create a huge mess, not only for yourself, but for whomever you date. I can tell you from experience, that will make you even more miserable. Not to mention the guilt you'll feel if you end up hurting someone. Something tells me I'm preaching to the choir, but some will advise you to get out there. It's time to invest in YOU! What is it in life that trips your trigger? Obviously, your daughter is number 1, but you must find joy in other things, right? I used the opportunity to reconnect with friends. Going out to dinner, flea markets, inviting them to barbeque, etc. Don't wait for them to call. Remember, contact breeds contact!! I also found working out not only improved my body, but my mind as well. Cocaine has nothing on endorphins!! Counseling would help, too! Maybe a local church has a divorce group? How about volunteering your time in some way? Remember, helping is healing!! The bottom line is that we all heal ourselves in different ways, but it takes time. Also, you may feel miserable, but if you have to put a happy face on, then do it!! Don't overwhelm friends and family with your misery. If you do speak about your situation, limit yourself to a minute or two and then change the conversation to a lighter subject, otherwise you risk putting yourself on an island....alone.
Author SingleDad Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 In addition to the $1,133 mo. child support, I pay $572 daycare (65%), plus 100% health and 50% of all educational and extracurricular costs for the next 19 years. Had to take out a 2nd mtg. to pay out the $100k lump sum - just 3.5 years of marriage Divorce is a jackpot for the for the spouse who earns less.
luvmy2ns Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Divorce is a jackpot for the for the spouse who earns less. And for the one who simply is the responsible one, we get screwed royally. However, my son is my first priority, not my bank account. I just wish his dad would understand that if he provided more, his son would have more. But I don't think he cares about anyone but himself, so he works a part time job above board and works under the table. He still has nothing to show - rooms with friends. The deadbeat.
dead-dyke Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Nah, life will get good again.------- You can use this opportunity to trade-up to a better model-------- and more committed! Not to be a johnny come lately, or be cynical for that matter, (I am), is this even possible in todays society? I find it very, very, improbable. Weddings, why bother? Vows are great till someone doesn't like the grating time period inevitable in any relationship - then lets jump ship. Let the others sort out thier own life boats. I got to mine, and I ain't waitin'. Look! another ship, next wave over! SD, I can't, and won't pretend to know the answers. I am so sorry you have to experiance this, the coldness of that someone you thought you knew. You seem strong, and you have to be for your daughter, and there is some good advice in here. You also have to consider, it could be a love sick, 17 yo saying tag the next thing moving by. I'm sorry, this is getting off topic, so it's just my opinion on marriage anymore. You sound like you have handled this the absolute best way, despite your optimism in the face of defeat. But just remember, the fat lady hasn't sung her final note yet. Like moose says: A lot of times, the things we want the most come to us if we ignore them.... [sIZE=2][/sIZE]
Author SingleDad Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 I have put so much into trying to save my marriage - to deaf ears. I have tried to keep the hope and faith that there was some remote chance - it helped me survive over past 5 months. With the Ex response today that effectively squashed my hope... What am I supposed to do now and for next 12 months of married separation (apart from match.com)... longing to be with Ex. who doesn't want anything from me other than civililty and money. Getting back into my empty house... waiting for my parenting turn with my daughter...
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