Billie63 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Hi everyone, my first post here. You all seem to know what you're doing and I need some advice so here goes: Me and myboyfriend of 6 years split up 2 weeks ago. I suffer from depression and things in the bedroom dept were not great. It affected his confidence and the relationship has been dying a death for months while I buried my head in the sand. [/FONT] [ [i moved out a couple of months ago but was back a week later, not because I missed him but because I missed my home. But I came back telling him that I was going to give our relationship another go, come off the A/Ds. I felt really positive. Two weeks later he said he wanted the relationship to be over, that things would not change. I’d never seen him like this. I said let’s try and give it our best shot for 6 months and if it doesn’t work then at least we know it wasn’t to be. He refused. I'll be honest - my heart wasn't really in it when I suggested giving it a try[FONT=Arial] [ I said I would move out. He works from home and recently doctors discovered an artery blockage so I thought the decent thing for me to do was give him some space. A few days before I was due to move out, he announced he was going away on business. I had a funny feeling about this and went through his overnight bag. The hotel details were not what he said and when I confronted him he admitted he was going to meet up with a woman from work [ I moved out a few days later. The first few days were tough but I’ve got better. I'm reducing the A/Ds, eating well, walking more and feel less detatched from life. I've got a good job and have been focusing on that and have had a a new role at work given to me that's really cheered me up. I do believe this could be a door opening. I'm not interested in having a relationship I'm coming round to the idea that this relationship is not for me and that it is over. We are now amicable and are talking about renting out our flat out to some family members. It would solve a lot of problems with the credit crunch, we’re tied into a fixed rate with Northern Rock mortgage etc.[ But I feel that with it all going so fast, should I suggest that maybe we try again both of us giving 100 per cent? I would say I’m 95 per cent sure that the relationship is finished but there is part of me that doesn’t want to look back one day and regret that we didn’t give it our best shot. We have always got on so well and he is a good man despite everything. Only 5 months ago when we were talking about the sex thing, he said to me: “Whatever problems we have in the bedroom, I am not going anywhere. You are the love of my life.” He is not the type of man to have a bit on the side and I feel sure he is probably seeing this woman or she is waiting in the wings. I am 45, he is 43 and we have no children, he has two teenagers from a previous relationship. What do you think?
dazed.1 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I think that this relationship ended for a reason, and you should not try and change that. You gave it a shot already, I don't think another one will do any good, especially when you are only 5% sure this is what you want (and that 5% is probably just the comfort of having something you were so used to for so long), and he has already looked outside the relationship for companionship. In my experience, men say a lot of things (like "you are the love of my life") but actions speak much louder than words. You should move on, continue focusing on your career and other things that make you happy, and with happiness will come happiness. Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss. d
Author Billie63 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Dazed, thank you for your response. It's what I needed to hear, you are right - I'm scared of losing my comfort zone. I realise we both deserve more. Thanks once again.
Author Billie63 Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 So here's an update. After Dazed's wonderful words of wisdom, I knew I had come to terms with our split and was happy to move on. I felt really positive on Saturday and was telling my family how happy I was. On sunday I crashed. I cried from the moment I woke up for the next five hours, missing him, wanting him. Tempted to just go over to the home we shared. But I didin't. I kept quiet. He emailed me on Monday and tuesday. Telling me He loved me and being very very flirty, in fact very graphic about what he was going to do with me when we meet up at our home next Wednesday! I got a bit of a tingle and flirted back, now it feels like I'm going on a date instead of visiting our old home to discuss what we're going to do with the property. I'm gonna go out and buy a new dress! Swings and roundabouts eh?
v33 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 So has he stopped seeing the other woman? How can you be sure this won't happen again if you two reconcile?
sultry33 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 So here's an update. After Dazed's wonderful words of wisdom, I knew I had come to terms with our split and was happy to move on. I felt really positive on Saturday and was telling my family how happy I was. On sunday I crashed. I cried from the moment I woke up for the next five hours, missing him, wanting him. Tempted to just go over to the home we shared. But I didin't. I kept quiet. He emailed me on Monday and tuesday. Telling me He loved me and being very very flirty, in fact very graphic about what he was going to do with me when we meet up at our home next Wednesday! I got a bit of a tingle and flirted back, now it feels like I'm going on a date instead of visiting our old home to discuss what we're going to do with the property. I'm gonna go out and buy a new dress! Swings and roundabouts eh? be careful.. i speak from experience here.. if you can do the rollercoaster go for it.. but be warned just cause the sex side is good and familar dont mean its going be forever .. do what is right for you i hope things do work out for you x
Author Billie63 Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 With regard to the other woman, when I found out about his plans to meet up with her, he called it off with her (or so he said). I have no idea if he's been seeing her since I moved out - and I didn't really consider it any of my business because I regarded us as over. Knowing the character of the man as I do, I don't believe he'd been making moves on me if he was getting some bedroom action (and new bedroom action at that) elsewhere. I love the rollercoaster but a part of me will hold myself in reserve. I'm not necessarily assuming we will reconcile. But where excitment had gone, it's now returned and I'm loving it - just living in the present.
Author Billie63 Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 I should add that since I've moved out I've stuck to the NC rule as advocated here (thanks guys!). It has been him initiating contact every time. I didn't beg, make him feel awkward or try to get any of his friends and family on my side. On Friday I sent him this email: Although at first I was very upset when you ended it, now, I can see it was the right thing to do and I thank you for doing that. My head was far too stuck in the sand to face up to the reality that our relationship had been slowly dying for months. And there was no love left to resurrect I feel at peace mentally, fewer headaches, back ache, depression, no alcohol, maybe perhaps I was living a lie and it manifested itself physically that way. For me, now, the ending of our relationship is another door opening in my life and I believe it is the same for you. I will always think of the happy times I had with you, and there were many, and the times when I loved you very much. The good far outweighed the bad, for me and that’s what I take with me. My dearest wish is for you to be happy, and I know you will be, you have a lot of love to give and I hope you find the right woman to share your life with. I hope we are able to be friends when everything is settled with the property but I will understand if you wish to draw a line under that ]Take care darling, I will never forget you. His reply back: I love you so much and I wish things were different. But you are right, we had been slowly dying and we both deserve more than that and I hope you find what you need to make you happy. It saddens me that in the end I couldn’t make you happy. And some of the happiest times of my life have been with you. Vegas, the Church, the Almond Tree… I could go on and on. And that’s what I will always remember. I suspect my attitude has made him sit up and think - and he has had a month to live without me and see what the future will be like. I don't wish to presume that we will get back together - but I absolutely know he would not have been flirting the way he was just to have a one-off in the sack
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