Lishy Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Abuse does not just rear it's head with violence Star - Be honest, does this guy seem the full ticket to you? Anyway, I am not getting into a childish spat with you I am just giving you my opinion. Take it or leave it Star, it makes no difference to my life.
Calisto Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I seriously have no clue why everyone always assumes that red-flags amount to a control-freak abuser. Sheesh. The dude is just a little lonely and desperate. Okay, a LOT lonely and desperate...but he is not an abuser. Jeez. No one was assuming anything at all. They posed it as strong possibilities since you posed a question on a public messageboard and are looking for viewpoints.
Art_Critic Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Below is a list of common behaviors that are seen in abusive people. I think SG that people are warning you that the patteren he is showing already on the first date is a pattern in abusive personalities. It doesn't mean that he is that way.. just that he is showing a sign of a pattern 1] Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. She will question the other person about whom he talks to, accuse him of flirting, or be jealous of the time he spends with his family or friends. As the jealousy progresses, she may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. She may refuse to let you work for fear you will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors like checking your car mileage or asking friends to watch you. 2] Controlling Behavior: At first, the batterer will say that this behavior is because she is concerned with your safety, your need to use your time well, or your need to make good decisions. She will be angry if you are late coming back from an appointment or a class, she will question you closely about where you went and whom you talked to. As this behavior gets worse, she may not let you make personal decisions about your clothing, hair style, appearance. 3] Quick Involvement: Many people in abusive relationships dated or knew their abusive partners for less than six months before they were married, engaged or living together. She comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, “You are the only person I could ever talk to” or “I’ve never felt like this for anyone before. She will pressure you to commit to the relationship in such a way that you may later feel guilty or that you are “letting her down” if you want to slow down involvement or break up. 4] Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs; she expects you to be the perfect boyfriend, the perfect husband, the perfect friend or the perfect lover. She will say things like, “If you love me, I’m all you need and you are all I need.” You are supposed to take care of all of her emotional needs. 5] Isolation: The abusive person will try to cut you off from all resources. She accuses you of being “tied to your mother’s apron strings,” or your friends of “trying to cause trouble” between you. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, you are “going out on her” and if you have friends of the same sex, she may accuse you of being gay. 6] Blames Others for Problems: She is chronically unemployed, someone is always waiting for her to do wrong or mess up or someone is always out to get her. She may make mistakes and blame you for upsetting her. She may accuse you of preventing her from concentrating on school. She will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong. 7] Blames Others for Feelings: She will tell you, “You make me mad,” “You are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,” or “I can’t help being angry.” She really makes the decisions about how she thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate you. 8] Hypersensitivity: An abusive person is easily insulted, and claims that their feelings are hurt when really she is very mad. She often takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. She will rant about things that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being asked to help others with chores. 9] Cruelty to Animals or Children: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. She may tease younger brothers or sisters until they cry. 10] “Playful” use of Force in Sex: This kind of person is likely to be abusive during making out, or she may want you to act out fantasies in which you are helpless. She is letting you know that the idea of sex is exciting. She may show little concern about whether you want affection and may sulk or use anger to manipulate you into compliance. 11] Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abusive person tries to degrade you, curses you, calls you names or makes fun of your accomplishments. The abusive person will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without her. This may involve waking you up to verbally abuse you or not letting you go to sleep until you talk out an argument. 12] Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde: Many people are confused by their abusive partner’s “sudden” changes in mood -- you may think she has a mental problem because she is nice one minute and the next minute she is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who are abusive to their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity. 13] Past Battering: This person may say that she has hit boyfriends or husbands in the past but the other person “made her do it.” You may hear from relatives or past male friends that she is abusive. An abusive person will be physically abusive to any one they are with if the other person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not change a person into an abuser. 14] Threats of violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: “I’ll slap you,” “I’ll kill you,” or “I’ll break your neck." Most people do not threaten their partners, but the abusive person will try to excuse her threats by saying, “Everybody talks that way.” 15] Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with her fists, throw objects at or near you, kick the car, slam the door or drive at a high rate of speed or recklessly to scare you. Not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the “right” to punish or frighten you. 16] Any Force During an Argument: This may involve an abusive partner holding you down, physically restraining you from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. She may hold you against the wall and say, “You are going to listen to me.”
Lishy Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Is he any good in bed, Star? Dont beat about the bush Jo, just ask what is on your mind!!
Author Star Gazer Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 Is he any good in bed, Star? I wouldn't know. We haven't even kissed.
Lishy Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I wouldn't know. We haven't even kissed. Wow! That makes this even worse! Surely it has occurred to you that this behaviour could be disturbing and maybe a little more then just lonliness?
imbewildered Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 People know these things through experience. Star I wish I knew back then what I know now, I spot abusive traits a mile off, come on the guy has known you for a week and you have had ONE date and he is asking you to do his shopping and in one week and one date he has shown how needy and how obsessive he is. THis is unfounded fear and mistrust masqerading as "concerned wisdom" . "People" know NOTHING about another person until they have the evidence that observation brings. EVIDENCE ! So he asked SG to buy him a shirt - big deal. HOW the f**k does that make him an "abuser" or even a potential abuser ,except in your anxiety riddled perception of male behavior . Too much starch in your underpants girl.
imbewildered Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 It doesn't mean that he is that way.. just that he is showing a sign of a pattern There is no such thing as "a sign of a pattern" . Logic, and the definition of a "pattern" does not allow it. Secondly,That list of alleged "abusive" signs was interesting . I recognise some behavior in every woman that I have ever known and broke up with . Thank gawd I had all those lucky escapes from all those "perpetrators..." The influence and the legacy of third rate, self help pulp authors lingers strongly on LS it seems..
Art_Critic Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 The influence and the legacy of third rate, self help pulp authors lingers strongly on LS it seems.. I'll say... you are bewildered
Storyrider Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Did you know there is this theory that if you get someone to do you a favor, they will like you more? Maybe shirt dude knows about this and was trying to use it on you.
Storyrider Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 He's way too clingy. Yes, static electricity isn't what Star is looking for in bed.
Nemo Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Yes, static electricity isn't what Star is looking for in bed. :lmao: "Dude, did you just zap my clitoris?"
johan Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Yes, static electricity isn't what Star is looking for in bed. She could always just Shout him out.
Calisto Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I don't understand why people are screaming at Lishy for simply giving her opionion. Stargazer is asking for advice/viewpoints whatever, Lishy gave hers and gets screamed at. THis is unfounded fear and mistrust masqerading as "concerned wisdom" . "People" know NOTHING about another person until they have the evidence that observation brings. EVIDENCE ! So he asked SG to buy him a shirt - big deal. HOW the f**k does that make him an "abuser" or even a potential abuser ,except in your anxiety riddled perception of male behavior . Too much starch in your underpants girl.
Nemo Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I don't understand why people are screaming at Lishy for simply giving her opionion. Well, there is a history, here. Lishy's opionions can be pretty strong, and one needs to peel them under the tap, or be prepared to cry for a while.
johan Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I agree that labeling the guy as an abuser, based on what has been revealed so far, is reaching. Not every abuser acts just this way, and not every guy who acts this way is an abuser. Or maybe it depends how you define the term "abuser" in this case. It's better to go on the facts. And the facts are that he's acting as if he's married to Star, and he doesn't know her at all. And that is a sign that something is wrong with his thinking. What the exact problem is is hard to say, but it's not right. And it's generally true that people prone to behaving this way won't easily switch off whatever the problem is. I think the guy is going to become very heavy for Star, if she chooses to hang in there. And the relationship won't last very long.
imbewildered Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I'll say... you are bewildered You are observant. Your most outstanding quality.
imbewildered Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I agree that labeling the guy as an abuser, based on what has been revealed so far, is reaching. It is way more than "reaching". It is an hysterical over estimation with no evidence to support it. The guy may be a tad strange and his expectations may not fit SGs willingness to comply but the solution is simple - lose his number. This could have been resolved in one or two pages.
Lishy Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Yes my opinions are strong but one thing I do know about is warning signs and I can see a big fat warning sign with this guy. I dont mind anyone on here disagreeing with me or shouting at me, I will say it as I see it. Star should think very carefully about proceeding with this guy his behaviour is far from normal. The truth will out in any case.
Krytie TV Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I hope you're not suggesting I walk through the door simply because it's wide open. There's a happy medium ya know between a dude with impenetrable walls and this - the least he could do is require a knock and a peak through the peep hole. You've walked into closed doors just because they were there, whats the difference, apart from this one not hurting your head?
Trialbyfire Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 This guy has an accelerated sense of traditional roles. If this isn't the type of relationship you want, move on. One comeback could have been "Sure, I'll buy you a shirt, if you pick up my drycleaning and walk my dog!". His reaction would have been priceless...
johan Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 You've walked into closed doors just because they were there, whats the difference, apart from this one not hurting your head? In this case the chemistry is fouled by the guy's behavior.
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