Jilly Bean Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 SG, you've admitted that you've had a lot of challenges in the past in reading the early warning signs. Here, your gut is telling you that something is WAY off. LISTEN TO IT. At this point, the *right* thing to do is to walk. This behavior isn't going to curtail, it is just going to continue and mount, until in 3 weeks you post again about how he asked for keys to your place, or got you an engagement ring, or smacked you across the mouth for being smarty to him. You're at a pivotal point right now. Not just with him, but also for your own dating acumen. What will you do?
Art_Critic Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 You could tell him you want to have his child .. that should fix him.. The guy is just clingy.. he is willing to go all in when he doesn't even know you.. bad, bad sign...
johan Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Have him read your LS posts. That will get him to back off.
Kamille Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Have him read your LS posts. That will get him to back off. is being this jaded contagious?
johan Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Just kidding! I do think it's telling that Star is posting about the guy after one date. And the shopping thing is beyond weird. Star I think you have to develop your ability to be assertive. I hope you said something like, "What??? You want me to shop for you?? You must be on something!" There's nothing wrong with saying that. And then following up with "no freaking way! Go get your own shirt." And yes, this all is a problem that should be avoided by losing the guy. You're going to face nothing but challenges with him.
nicki Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Star is very assertive, but also analytical. She probably wanted to wait and evaluate things in her own mind before she reacted. Good way for a lawyer to be. But sometimes in relating to guys, the first reaction is the best and right response! Instinct causes an immediate reaction. When asked to go shopping for him, I also would have said something on the spot to show my surprise in his asking....or at least given him a very confused look and said "You are joking, right?"
grogster Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Have him read your LS posts. That will get him to back off. That's cold. True, but cold.
johan Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 That's cold. True, but cold. It's not true. I was just teasing Star. Any guy reading her posts would think she's pretty sweet and would be a good catch. In addition to the problems she has managing her relationships and asserting herself and having clear boundaries. But those aren't uncommon problems for women (and men) to have.
blind_otter Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 IME, men who attach easily and early usually end up to be obsessive, possessive, stalkerish types. This is actually true of women, in my observation, as well. They get all crazed and drive by your house if you don't answer your phone and stuff like that.
grogster Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 It's not true. I was just teasing Star. Any guy reading her posts would think she's pretty sweet and would be a good catch. In addition to the problems she has managing her relationships and asserting herself and having clear boundaries. But those aren't uncommon problems for women (and men) to have. Thank god for small favors.
shadowplay Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 IME, men who attach easily and early usually end up to be obsessive, possessive, stalkerish types. This is actually true of women, in my observation, as well. They get all crazed and drive by your house if you don't answer your phone and stuff like that. Also, those types tend to move easily from one person to another.
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I'm REALLY not interested in an instant-relationship... Why am I so... creeped out by this? Because you are not sure you are totally into him. If you were it wouldn't bother you one bit, you would think it was cute that he is already being so forward. It might scare you a bit if you were really into him but it would not turn you off.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 How did you meet him? Have you known him a while but only just got together? I've known him for a little over a WEEK! We met at a concert. Turns out we have friends in common. I think he assumes there's some bond there because of it. What did you say? I would be inclined to say "How can I possibly know what your taste would be after one date?" and make a joke of it. I said, "Are you seeeeeeerious? We have had ONE date and you already want me to go shopping for you?!?!?!" I think I would be more concerned about the "living together" thing. They weren't living together. Exactly. By his definition, I've lived with almost ALL of my BFs. Things get serious for him very quickly... Would be interesting to know why he split with his "live in" GF. Whaddyaknow...because "she wasn't ready or capable of being 'serious'"!!! Well, let's look at how you view Mr. Clingy: he goes from 0 to 60 in a relationship in 3.5 seconds (which implies he's more interested in "relationships" than the women in them); EXACTLY. I'd be curious about his reaction to you saying no to the shopping and to your backing off in general. If he gets extra clingly or pushy, run. If he backs off and remains nice, then maybe he's okay. He said, "I was under the impression that you liked shopping. No worries, I'll just have my sister do it." Still - WTF? Star is very assertive, but also analytical. She probably wanted to wait and evaluate things in her own mind before she reacted. Good way for a lawyer to be. Thanks. Because you are not sure you are totally into him. If you were it wouldn't bother you one bit, you would think it was cute that he is already being so forward. It might scare you a bit if you were really into him but it would not turn you off. I agree. If he were George Clooney I wouldn't be put off at all... Another thing: Before we even went out, he called me twice in one night - 2 hours apart. I didn't answer either call, I was busy. On the second message he said, "It's me. Just thought I'd give you the opportunity to talk with me before I turn in for bed...hahaha." "It's me"?? He can't say that yet!!!
sb129 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 He said, "I was under the impression that you liked shopping. No worries, I'll just have my sister do it."Yikes. Does he want a girlfriend, or a PA? Another thing: Before we even went out, he called me twice in one night - 2 hours apart. I didn't answer either call, I was busy. On the second message he said, "It's me. Just thought I'd give you the opportunity to talk with me before I turn in for bed...hahaha." "It's me"?? He can't say that yet!!!No, he can't. Someone posted that in their list of pet hates recently. Next time he calls say "who"? No, seriously, don't. Desperation is so unattractive. I can't see this improving for you...
sunshinegirl Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Eh. Get rid of this one! He couldn't get YOU to run an errand for him so he got his sister to do it? Hello, entitled, helpless dude. "thought I'd give YOU a chance to talk to ME before going to bed..." or whatever - more sense of entitlement and self-aggrandizement, even if he was joking. Yucky. Throw him back! Trust your gut, Star!!
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Except for his directness, is there anything about this guy that screams to you not to date him? Is he a loser? Does he creep you out otherwise? If not, what's the problem? Um, the problem is that he's presenting himself as DESPERATE, and more into getting into a relationship than getting to know ME. You know, just because this guy doesn't throw up a big wall in this situation, doesn't have difficulty in focusing his attention, and doesn't make this a big chore does not mean he's no good for you. Some men/women are simply one woman/man people. It's not always so bad. I'm generally a one-man girl too, and I would NEVER behave this way. Ever. Take a chance? You have spent so much time struggling to get people to let you in, to no avail. Well, the door's open. What are you gonna do? I hope you're not suggesting I walk through the door simply because it's wide open. There's a happy medium ya know between a dude with impenetrable walls and this - the least he could do is require a knock and a peak through the peep hole.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 He couldn't get YOU to run an errand for him so he got his sister to do it? Hello, entitled, helpless dude. Right! He's actually asking her to do it on her lunch break today. What, he can't do it tonight when he gets off work????
sb129 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I hope you're not suggesting I walk through the door simply because it's wide open. There's a happy medium ya know between a dude with impenetrable walls and this - the least he could do is require a knock and a peak through the peep hole. Exactly. There has to be some challenge. Especially this early.
sb129 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Right! He's actually asking her to do it on her lunch break today. What, he can't do it tonight when he gets off work???? Because he is a big girls blouse. Really, sorry to go on, but the fact that he asked you then his sister suggests he just wants someone (anyone) to run around after him. The "I thought you liked shopping" comment shows a total lack of understanding of the female psyche. YES we like shopping. For OURSELVES.
Lishy Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I have this feeling that this dude gets very attached very quick with anyone he meets, the majority of men who are like this are abusive men looking for a weak woman who craves attention and has no self esteem. That is not you Star! I would not say this is a yellow flag, I would say it is a big shiney red flag. Proceed with caution!
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 I seriously have no clue why everyone always assumes that red-flags amount to a control-freak abuser. Sheesh. The dude is just a little lonely and desperate. Okay, a LOT lonely and desperate...but he is not an abuser. Jeez.
sunshinegirl Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Sure, there might be some 'leaps' being made here... but if you're already seeing flags after one date? What'll you see after 3 dates? 10? 20? Aren't people supposed to be on their best behavior in the beginning? Jeez, this guy doesn't even seem to be trying to cover up his kookiness. Which, for you, is a totally sweet deal because you can bow out now instead of getting all entangled.
Lishy Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I seriously have no clue why everyone always assumes that red-flags amount to a control-freak abuser. Sheesh. The dude is just a little lonely and desperate. Okay, a LOT lonely and desperate...but he is not an abuser. Jeez. People know these things through experience. Star I wish I knew back then what I know now, I spot abusive traits a mile off, come on the guy has known you for a week and you have had ONE date and he is asking you to do his shopping and in one week and one date he has shown how needy and how obsessive he is. This guy has issues and you should know by now to listen to your gut. Denial is not a river that runs through Egypt. Did you meet him on a dating site?
grogster Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I seriously have no clue why everyone always assumes that red-flags amount to a control-freak abuser. Sheesh. The dude is just a little lonely and desperate. Okay, a LOT lonely and desperate...but he is not an abuser. Jeez. Worst case scenarios spawn easily in message board crowd wisdom. Often, there's a bias in favor of predicting the worst about someone's future behavior. That's especially true when a young woman is the OP, and the examined specimen is a new relationship male. I call it the "Lifetime Channel" effect.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Sure, there might be some 'leaps' being made here... but if you're already seeing flags after one date? What'll you see after 3 dates? 10? 20? Oh, I totally agree with you. I just mean that I expect this guy ultimately propose within 3 months and cry with his blankie when I turn him down, rather than turn into a barbarian dragging me to his lair by my hair....ya know? Either way, I agree with you that he is NOT the one for me. People know these things through experience. Star I wish I knew back then what I know now, I spot abusive traits a mile off, come on the guy has known you for a week and you have had ONE date and he is asking you to do his shopping and in one week and one date he has shown how needy and how obsessive he is. This guy has issues and you should know by now to listen to your gut. Denial is not a river that runs through Egypt. So you "know" that he's an abuser? WTFever, Lishy. A DESPERATE MAN does not ipso facto mean he's an abuser. There have been plagues of desperate men here on LS posting for themselves. Sheesh, even Tanbark (God bless him) was a little clingy when he first showed his face on LS. Is HE an "abuser" too? F*** no. Sweet little needy TP? Nope. Did you meet him on a dating site? I've already answered that. Worst case scenarios spawn easily in message board crowd wisdom. Often, there's a bias in favor of predicting the worst about someone's future behavior. That's especially true when a young woman is the OP, and the examined specimen is a new relationship male. I call it the "Lifetime Channel" effect. Exactly. It's like they seek out drama in every fact pattern. It's really sad.
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