Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Situation: Guy kinda getting a little too comfortable, WAY too soon...as in, he seems to be making assumptions about our "relationship" status already, after only ONE date. I think it's clear he attaches easily, and early. Tell him he's kinda weirding me out, or pretend it's nothing, or walk? Any suggestions?
Pyro Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Tell him straight up that you feel like he is moving way too fast. Tell him to slow down and see if he follows. Sounds too clingy IMO.
Prodigal Princess Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I agree with Pyro. It doesn't sound like a dealbreaking situation yet, but the yellow flag has been hoisted. It doesn't sounds like you're that into him anyway?
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 I'm interested, but I'm unsure, because he doesn't seem to have a relationship filter...as though he'd be instantly into anyone who paid him attention. Does that make sense? It kinda prevents me from being "really into him." Weird examples: He describes his last "serious" relationship as being one where she lived with him. During the course of several conversations, I learn that they only dated 7 months...yet they lived together. When I ask why that is, he said, "Well, she didn't officially live here, but I considered us living together because we spent so much time together." Seems like he makes judgments about relationships that aren't grounded in reality. Then today, he asked me if I could do him a big favor tomorrow. I'm thinking, "A favor?? WTF?" But I ask what it is. He asks me to go to Macy's and pick him up a new shirt and tie for an event he's attending on Saturday (and no, I'm not going, although he invited me). WTF? Asking me to go shopping for him already?!
Pyro Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I'm interested, but I'm unsure, because he doesn't seem to have a relationship filter...as though he'd be instantly into anyone who paid him attention. Does that make sense? It kinda prevents me from being "really into him." Weird examples: He describes his last "serious" relationship as being one where she lived with him. During the course of several conversations, I learn that they only dated 7 months...yet they lived together. When I ask why that is, he said, "Well, she didn't officially live here, but I considered us living together because we spent so much time together." Seems like he makes judgments about relationships that aren't grounded in reality. Then today, he asked me if I could do him a big favor tomorrow. I'm thinking, "A favor?? WTF?" But I ask what it is. He asks me to go to Macy's and pick him up a new shirt and tie for an event he's attending on Saturday (and no, I'm not going, although he invited me). WTF? Asking me to go shopping for him already?! Makes perfect sense. He is very clingy. Talk to him or move on. At the least he should be asking you to go with him to the store and picking something out. That is too much too soon.
Nemo Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Just tell him that you shouldn't munch on a muffin before it's been properly baked. He'll get the message.
spookie Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 He sounds kind of crazy. What do you like about him?
Ariadne Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Situation: Guy kinda getting a little too comfortable, WAY too soon...as in, he seems to be making assumptions about our "relationship" status already, after only ONE date. I think it's clear he attaches easily, and early. Tell him he's kinda weirding me out, or pretend it's nothing, or walk? Any suggestions? Oh no! Another instant relationship!
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 He sounds kind of crazy. What do you like about him? Enough things to keep me interested, but this whole shopping thing actually really, really bothered me to the point where my interest instantly went from an 8 to a 3.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Oh no! Another instant relationship! I'm REALLY not interested in an instant-relationship... Why am I so... creeped out by this?
Pyro Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Enough things to keep me interested, but this whole shopping thing actually really, really bothered me to the point where my interest instantly went from an 8 to a 3. Not good SG. The interest level has already dropped. You can either talk to him or just end things. Sounds like things are only heading towards trouble.
Nemo Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Enough things to keep me interested, but this whole shopping thing actually really, really bothered me to the point where my interest instantly went from an 8 to a 3. When a guy's interest goes from an 8 to a 3, there's really no way to get it back in.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 When a guy's interest goes from an 8 to a 3, there's really no way to get it back in. I don't think I have ever experienced a truly clingy guy before this one. Is this what "clingy" is, or is this super-clingy?
Ariadne Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I'm REALLY not interested in an instant-relationship... Why am I so... creeped out by this? I know! I can imagine. Is like you end up hooked up with whomever comes along.
Nemo Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I'm interested, but I'm unsure, because he doesn't seem to have a relationship filter...as though he'd be instantly into anyone who paid him With the rising price of gas, I can't say that I really blame him.
Krytie TV Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Easy answer? Depends on how you look at it. It's interesting you bring this up now as I have recently experienced the same thing, except in a more mutual manner. The difference being, presumably, that I have known the girl for about a year through work interaction. I guess there are a couple of things at play: fighting the urge to stick to the rules, feeling a little overwhelmed by the instantness, and not knowing if he's someone you really want to pursue or not. Many people lament that dating is such a game (yes, me included) and that it gets really tedious and annoying. Well, here you have a situation that could be easy if you let it. The bottom line is how much anxiety it causes you to accept that you would be willing to just go all out and embrace the situation for what it is. Except for his directness, is there anything about this guy that screams to you not to date him? Is he a loser? Does he creep you out otherwise? If not, what's the problem? Why not throw convention out the window for once? The metaphorical "dance" hasn't really worked for you to this point, so maybe this could really be a worthwhile situation. You know, just because this guy doesn't throw up a big wall in this situation, doesn't have difficulty in focusing his attention, and doesn't make this a big chore does not mean he's no good for you. Some men/women are simply one woman/man people. It's not always so bad. In my situation, I embraced it. It has been 6 weeks and my life hasn't skipped a beat and I'm experiencing the most pure connection I've ever had with someone. Yes, it's early, whatever, but I'm rolling with it. It's great and I have no fears and am filled with positive feelings about it. Take a chance? You have spent so much time struggling to get people to let you in, to no avail. Well, the door's open. What are you gonna do?
Lishy Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 How did you meet him? Have you known him a while but only just got together?
nicki Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Hmm, sounds like he wants to be exclusive, and you simply want to make sure he doesn't attach to any woman in this way. I agree, when a guy starts acting like this after one date, it's not a natural progression of intimacy....and can signal a potential insecure stalker type, but, like Krytie said, sometimes a guy is a one-woman guy and will instantly fall into the relationship mode with a woman he likes. That's happened to me when I date guys who have been either married or in long-term relationships. We'll go out once, then, wham! It's like we have been together for years. "Honey, please pick up my dry cleaning. Let's go to the islands for a vacation this summer." So, I guess I'd give it some more time to figure out. In the meantime, though, just say no to the shopping. Back him off with your actions. Only agree to things that feel right given the time you've been with him. Say "No, or not yet," to the things you don't feel comfortable with. He should get it if he's smart.
Kamille Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 He asked you to shop for him after one date? I know I know not funny when you're living it, but it is hilarious. How very Seinfeld episode of him. I tend to be blunt in situations like this. I think, since he otherwise sounds like a nice guy, that you should tell him you don't think it's not going to work out and tell him why.
sb129 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I'm interested, but I'm unsure, because he doesn't seem to have a relationship filter...as though he'd be instantly into anyone who paid him attention. Does that make sense? It kinda prevents me from being "really into him." Weird examples: He describes his last "serious" relationship as being one where she lived with him. During the course of several conversations, I learn that they only dated 7 months...yet they lived together. When I ask why that is, he said, "Well, she didn't officially live here, but I considered us living together because we spent so much time together." Seems like he makes judgments about relationships that aren't grounded in reality. Then today, he asked me if I could do him a big favor tomorrow. I'm thinking, "A favor?? WTF?" But I ask what it is. He asks me to go to Macy's and pick him up a new shirt and tie for an event he's attending on Saturday (and no, I'm not going, although he invited me). WTF? Asking me to go shopping for him already?! I agree, it is a little full on after only one date. What did you say? I would be inclined to say "How can I possibly know what your taste would be after one date?" and make a joke of it. I think I would be more concerned about the "living together" thing. They weren't living together. I don't know SG. You could roll with it and see where it goes after another date, or you could pull the pin now and cut your losses. Would be interesting to know why he split with his "live in" GF.
grogster Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Well, let's look at how you view Mr. Clingy: he goes from 0 to 60 in a relationship in 3.5 seconds (which implies he's more interested in "relationships" than the women in them); he wants you to be his personal shopper for an event you're not even attending (which implies that he's dependent on women for many things--what's next: doing his laundry?). This guy is not allowing you both to grow into a relationship at a natural, rhythmic pace. Instead, he's forcing and accelerating things by being much more familiar with you than circumstances allow. He lacks a certain "touch" or "feel" for the dance. The end result: one views him as either desperate or a control freak.
Touche Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I agree with whoever said it's a yellow flag. I believe one of the signs of an abusive guy is jumping in to a relationship too early. Now as some of you might know, H and I moved very fast. (He proposed after 4 weeks of dating.) So in and of itself I wouldn't think too much about his moving so fast. And I thought Krytie made some good points. I mean H and I were totally upfront with each other from the get go. No games. No being coy. Our needs, wants, desires were all discussed right upfront. So with that said, not a big deal. But the shopping thing in conjunction with the moving so fast thing worries me a little. Watch out for any domineering tendencies. Watch out for irrational jealousy/possessiveness. Watch out for any signs of a temper or anger. What did you say in response to his shopping request and how did he react to what you said? The jury is still out on this one.
sb129 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 WB and I moved pretty fast too, but it was in a different way to this- more like you Touche, no games, no coyness, totally upfront etc. He still wouldn't ask me to buy clothes for him now. Last week I saw a T shirt I thought he would like and bought it for him, but thats different to being given a specific task for a specific event.
nicki Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I'd be curious about his reaction to you saying no to the shopping and to your backing off in general. If he gets extra clingly or pushy, run. If he backs off and remains nice, then maybe he's okay. Dunno. Most guys that pushed me into relationships quickly were the controlling or desperate types. Abusive men and commitment phobic men do this all the time. But, I will generally give a guy the benefit of the doubt until I see a clear pattern emerge. His reaction will be telling...but even if he is nice, and you decide to go out again, continue to watch and evaluate. Time will tell if you want to stick around. Or "pull the pin on this one now." (Love that!)
Recommended Posts