bk2307 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 First I just wanted to say I promise I don't want my ex back! My ex and I broke up almost a year ago. It wasn't really on bad terms. We both moved away, then he started to act like an ***hole during the last few months, and then something like he decided that he didn't want to marry me. So I completely stopped contacting him, except for twice about 3 months after the break. During those times I found out that he had already started dating and "didn't think of me every day anymore"... but that he also "still cared about me". Did I mention we were together for 6 years? How do you forget someone after only 3 months, especially if you supposedly still care? Anyway, that's the last time we had any communication, but I still can't stop thinking of him. It isn't always about our relationship. It's usually just that things I do or see remind me of a time I was with him. Then other times it is thoughts like "why am I not good enough?". I really want him out of my head already! I just want to be able to go about my life like a normal person who doesn't think about past relationships all the time, and who is stable enough to date someone else, should that opportunity come along. Instead I have just been feeling like why bother? I'll only get hurt and have to start over again. And on another hand, I know this forum is a huge fan of "no contact", but is it totally wrong to think that by now he should have called or something just to see how I'm doing? Maybe I'm just being stupid, but we were very close and I guess I still don't understand how he was able to so completely cut me out of his life and forget about me. I'm certainly not about to call him. I was the one who put all the effort into the relationship, so I'm not about to put any effort into a friendship with someone who wants nothing to do with me. But still... I know he didn't USED to be a complete ***hole, and I just can't figure out what changed. ...well, there you go, that is part of what I am talking about. I don't know why I even give a crap anymore!
SadHeart79 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 First I just wanted to say I promise I don't want my ex back! My ex and I broke up almost a year ago. It wasn't really on bad terms. We both moved away, then he started to act like an ***hole during the last few months, and then something like he decided that he didn't want to marry me. So I completely stopped contacting him, except for twice about 3 months after the break. During those times I found out that he had already started dating and "didn't think of me every day anymore"... but that he also "still cared about me". Did I mention we were together for 6 years? How do you forget someone after only 3 months, especially if you supposedly still care? Anyway, that's the last time we had any communication, but I still can't stop thinking of him. It isn't always about our relationship. It's usually just that things I do or see remind me of a time I was with him. Then other times it is thoughts like "why am I not good enough?". I really want him out of my head already! I just want to be able to go about my life like a normal person who doesn't think about past relationships all the time, and who is stable enough to date someone else, should that opportunity come along. Instead I have just been feeling like why bother? I'll only get hurt and have to start over again. And on another hand, I know this forum is a huge fan of "no contact", but is it totally wrong to think that by now he should have called or something just to see how I'm doing? Maybe I'm just being stupid, but we were very close and I guess I still don't understand how he was able to so completely cut me out of his life and forget about me. I'm certainly not about to call him. I was the one who put all the effort into the relationship, so I'm not about to put any effort into a friendship with someone who wants nothing to do with me. But still... I know he didn't USED to be a complete ***hole, and I just can't figure out what changed. ...well, there you go, that is part of what I am talking about. I don't know why I even give a crap anymore! Hey, I hear you. I am going through exactly the same feelings at the moment. I was with my ex for 6 years also, and it ended about 3 months ago. The hardest thing I have had to come to terms with is the fact that he just doesn't care about me anymore. We were very close also, and then he told me he had met someone else, and had been seeing her behind my back. Oh, and also that he still loved me and wanted to always be friends with me. Well, that was a complete lie, because he has pretty much ignored my existence, not even a call to see if I'm okay, when he knew how devastated I was. So the way I look at it now is, why bother making a fool of myself trying to get the attention from a guy who wouldn't care if I was dead in a ditch? I tried the whole staying friends thing, but he is with another girl now and it just hurts too much too see him so happy without me. He left me to be with her, and I won't come second best to anyone. I know that what we shared he won't find very easily with another woman, and I take comfort in knowing that. We had SO much in common, it was spooky sometimes, and maybe one day he will wake up and realise what he has lost. By then it will be too late, because the way I have been treated, I wouldn't give him, nor any guy the chance to do that to me ever again. I have found that the NC does work, because while I knew what he was doing, who he was with and how he was living life without me, it just made the whole breakup even more painful. Once I started NC, I have been blissfully unaware of what he's up to, and it's nice not knowing what he is doing. I still think of him every day, wondering what he's up to, but not knowing is just so much easier, trust me. Sometimes, like you, I get very angry that he hasn't tried to contact me, after all the years we spent together, but then I think, hey it's his loss. It's like they become someone you no longer recognise, like a stranger almost, and then I think do I want to hear from someone that broke my heart so badly, cast me aside when I was no longer wanted and is now so cold towards me, when I did nothing wrong? I don't think so! But yes, I agree with you, it's still very painful. You could drive yourself crazy trying to work out why they changed and what went wrong, but it's just not worth it. Just take comfort in knowing that it's not your fault and they have missed their chance with someone wonderful - YOU. **Hugs**
Author bk2307 Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 Thanks! It feels better to know I'm not the only one going through this. It felt better just to write it out, since I have been trying not to bother my friends with my drama anymore. Last night I had a dream that I decided was symbolic of what I am feeling. I was still with him (figures) and we went kayaking. We both had 2 person kayaks but we got into separate ones, and I couldn't figure out why. Then, I surprised myself by being really good at it. I went really fast until I couldn't see him behind me anymore. Then I thought I heard him calling me, so I stopped for a minute to turn around and look for him. I didn't see him, so I kept going. Then, I looked back again and saw that he had caught up to me. I was really angry, and I tried to paddle faster to get away, but I just couldn't get away from him anymore. It's like the tiniest bit of curiosity is detrimental, and I can't move on as long as thoughts of him keep "catching up" to me. Too bad that dream didn't have a conclusion to tell me what to do.
justine4 Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Thanks! It feels better to know I'm not the only one going through this. It felt better just to write it out, since I have been trying not to bother my friends with my drama anymore. Last night I had a dream that I decided was symbolic of what I am feeling. I was still with him (figures) and we went kayaking. We both had 2 person kayaks but we got into separate ones, and I couldn't figure out why. Then, I surprised myself by being really good at it. I went really fast until I couldn't see him behind me anymore. Then I thought I heard him calling me, so I stopped for a minute to turn around and look for him. I didn't see him, so I kept going. Then, I looked back again and saw that he had caught up to me. I was really angry, and I tried to paddle faster to get away, but I just couldn't get away from him anymore. It's like the tiniest bit of curiosity is detrimental, and I can't move on as long as thoughts of him keep "catching up" to me. Too bad that dream didn't have a conclusion to tell me what to do. Good dream! I posted a little while ago about meanings behind dreams. I've never been one for having strange dreams or even remembering any. But recently I did and wanted to know if it meant anything. Yours couldn't be any clearer if you wanted it. Maybe the thing to get him out of your life, if thats what you need to move forward, is not to look back, like you did in your dream? I don't believe people can get over someone who has meant so much to them so quickly. However, for a lot of people, the feelings have gradually moved away, before the relationship ends. Then again, everyone is different and handle situations differently. Some people go headlong into a new relationship in the hope they'll 'forget' about the old one. What better way to boost the old ego than to have someone interested in you again? (thats my theory anyway, I personally couldn't contemplate doing this as I don't think its far to the newbie)
Author bk2307 Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 I think you're absolutely right. But it's easier said than done. I have gotten pretty skilled about never thinking about the good times, which at least makes it easier not to miss him. I can't really control the angry thoughts or the times that something reminds me of him. By the way, the kayaks in my dream were red, and I looked it up and found that it means that you might be angry about a situation. Haha I would agree with that. As for dating someone else to move on, well I agree that it's not fair to the other person. Still, I did sort of date a guy for a few weeks awhile back, but I lost interest as soon as I got that confidence boost that someone else is actually interested in me. I think I'm still at that stage, where I couldn't care less about dating another person, but occasionally want that reminder that other people still think I am datable. I'm hoping that feeling will wear off pretty soon:confused:
sunshinegirl Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Hey, I hear you. I am going through exactly the same feelings at the moment. I was with my ex for 6 years also, and it ended about 3 months ago. The hardest thing I have had to come to terms with is the fact that he just doesn't care about me anymore. We were very close also, and then he told me he had met someone else, and had been seeing her behind my back. Oh, and also that he still loved me and wanted to always be friends with me. Well, that was a complete lie, because he has pretty much ignored my existence, not even a call to see if I'm okay, when he knew how devastated I was. So the way I look at it now is, why bother making a fool of myself trying to get the attention from a guy who wouldn't care if I was dead in a ditch? I tried the whole staying friends thing, but he is with another girl now and it just hurts too much too see him so happy without me. He left me to be with her, and I won't come second best to anyone. I know that what we shared he won't find very easily with another woman, and I take comfort in knowing that. We had SO much in common, it was spooky sometimes, and maybe one day he will wake up and realise what he has lost. By then it will be too late, because the way I have been treated, I wouldn't give him, nor any guy the chance to do that to me ever again. I have found that the NC does work, because while I knew what he was doing, who he was with and how he was living life without me, it just made the whole breakup even more painful. Once I started NC, I have been blissfully unaware of what he's up to, and it's nice not knowing what he is doing. I still think of him every day, wondering what he's up to, but not knowing is just so much easier, trust me. Sometimes, like you, I get very angry that he hasn't tried to contact me, after all the years we spent together, but then I think, hey it's his loss. It's like they become someone you no longer recognise, like a stranger almost, and then I think do I want to hear from someone that broke my heart so badly, cast me aside when I was no longer wanted and is now so cold towards me, when I did nothing wrong? I don't think so! But yes, I agree with you, it's still very painful. You could drive yourself crazy trying to work out why they changed and what went wrong, but it's just not worth it. Just take comfort in knowing that it's not your fault and they have missed their chance with someone wonderful - YOU. **Hugs** I thought this was brilliant, so very strong and confident. Thank you.
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