Ariadne Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 If you want to avoid these men or just these situations, don't hang out alone with these guys. It's as simple as that. I'm pretty sure he didn't make it seem like he was going there to make a pass. He went innocently like any other day, played with his "nephews", listened to her problems with the xMM etc. She trusted the guy as a dear friend and didn't see it coming.
Lookingforward Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I understand why you are upset here, but this wasn't rape. With rape, bounderies are completely violated, the victom is innocent and the attacker knows that he's forcing his victom into something he/she doesn't want. I'm certainly not saying this is all your fault. I think, though, if you don't want this situation to be repeated with other men, then you should learn from this situation and not repeat your mistakes. Men and women who respect their vowels don't put themselves in situations where things could happen. This man did, therefore he didn't respect his wife or his vowels. If you want to avoid these men or just these situations, don't hang out alone with these guys. It's as simple as that. just for future reference ang, it's vows not vowels
OpenBook Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 maybe I am naive, but is there no man on earth that will be faithful to his vows? :lmao: You're not alone, MWC!! I'm beginning to doubt this myself. I should have been able to trust this guy to be a friend, not some a**hole who is going to come onto me. I've learned not to fully trust any man, ever. They're all capable of "coming onto me." That said, most of them are decent enough to respect my boundaries, and respect me as a sentient being, especially when my behavior takes the emphasis off of the sexual aspect and focuses on something else. They're always hopeful, but most of them don't expect it from me. (I feel like I'm not making any sense here, I'm trying to express my thoughts accurately but it's just not coming out right somehow.) Don't put this on me, any of you. It's not "on you," MWC. You weren't the one who brought over a case of beer and then made a pass at your S's best friend. He did. And he realized his mistake, and apologized for it. We're just responding to the thread that you started, asking why this keeps happening to you. There's a reason for it - human nature. Your past behavior is an indicator to men that you're open to that sort of thing, as inaccurate as this assessment is. I've been where you are. I know exactly what you're talking about. It really bothers me that no one else feels that I should ever be able to trust another human being in this world. It just gives me no hope for the future. This isn't true... unless you're going to live in the same place, surrounded by the same people, for the rest of your life. (Then it's quite possible!!) But things change eventually. You move to a different place, you get another job, you make new friends... that (more than anything else) helped me put it all behind me. The people who are in my life now, with the exception of a couple of long-term GF's, have no idea I was formerly involved with a MM. I still don't trust men () but at least people are no longer prejudging me based on my past mistakes. And I know they have their own secrets to hide, too.
Lizzie60 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 The only thing about that that bothers me is, what if it hadn't been me? He probably would have slept with her for sure. What do I tell her? Nothing... This man wouldn't ever cheat, right? Of course he would.. He loves my best friend, right? He probably does... Would all men, given the chance, cheat? Yes.. you just proved it... Am I a magnet for married men? No.. not at all... it has nothing to do with it.. Do they think that because I have slept with a MM in the past, that I will do it again? If he's dumb.. yes he might think that.. I think that the alcohol helped to feel 'hornier' and to make a pass at you... for sure. Now that he's sober.. he probably feels bad about it.. plus he knows NOW that you wouldn't do it... he wasn't sure THEN... Maybe he was 'testing' you... who knows? But .. I am convinced that most MM, given the opportunity.. would cheat... even more if they are intoxicated... But methink that the conversation probably led him to think that he COULD actually make a pass at you... maybe you became a little 'too friendly' and open about your conversation... I'm quite sure that if he would have been absolutely sure that you would have said no.. I don't think he would have made the 'pass'... it was probably all about your attitude. (of course I'm speculating here.. but this is the feeling I get)... he probably felt at one point that you were also 'open' to it too... (no pun). Next time you are with your friends.. just pretend nothing happened... don't tell her anything... it would only hurt them..
nadiaj2727 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Ah. Sounds like we're starting to get to the real issues here... This explains a great deal! This is just one of my many issues. And it is way too pointless for me to go into the issues I've realized you may have! So let's keep the nit picking out of this, I am not here to fight with you of all people, I have much better things to do.
nadiaj2727 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I would say that your behavior is a magnet. We all know that anytime we spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex, we increase the chance for emotional bonds to develop. Add alcohol, and you're starting to play with fire. The fact that you spent alone time with this guy and drank with him, sent a strong message that it was o.k. for him to come on to you. I agree with Angie's assessment, MWC. I think that it is just not smart to spend time alone drinking with a married man if you don't want people to continue to think you are someone who sleeps with married men. I mean part of getting out of an affair and making sure we stay out is changing the behaviors that led up to an affair. And stopping to think, "is this course of action wise?" Anyway I don't know why you'd have any more interest in hanging out with this jerk in the future so I hope the issue about him is mute. But maybe just think about perceptions in the future and I'm sure you'll come up with something better to do then drinking alone with wanna-be cheating MMs. Hugs to you.
Author mistresswchildren Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 To all of you: Thank you for your responses. I will say that going into the situation, that I honestly thought nothing of it. Now that this guy has pushed the wrong boundaries, we will never hang out alone. If he had not made a pass at me, then I would have been willing to hang out with him alone because I would have had more faith in him. I would have had more faith in him as a husband, but now that it happened, he and I will not be alone again. I did hang out with the two of them the other day. Although I know something happened, neither he nor I acted like anything was different. The thing is that he honestly thinks that I don't remember what happened, so he can act normal around me. Things are fine for now, but if he ever makes the choice to make a pass again, then the situation will change. I will not allow my friend to be hurt by a wayward husband. I will make sure that she understands the situation. This is strike one. If it ever happens again, there will be consequences. Believe it or not, sometimes I wish that my xMM's W had a friend that had been hit on by her husband (someone that would be willing to tell her about it). I wish she had had this experience so that maybe she could have seen what he was doing. Maybe, if she had addressed it sooner, things would be different for not only her, but for me. Maybe, if the two of them had worked all of this out before he met me, then everything would not have gotten so out of hand. I realize that hindsight is 20/20, but there are just some things that I could go back and change. I can't say what I would have done differently today considering I have two beautiful children out of this awful situation, but maybe I would have made some different choices. I guess it just comes with maturing and seeing the aftermath of an affair. No matter who "wins" the guy, no one is really happy with the whole thing. There is just so much pain involved.
Author mistresswchildren Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 Had I known then what I know now! Wow! So, my best friend decided to leave her husband. They are separated now. She keeps beating herself up too. She decided that she was just really unhappy in her marriage and that she wanted to work on things, but she seems to be unable to stand up to him while she is living with him. Right now, I am just trying to be there for her. I think she thinks he is cheating, and part of me wants to tell her about the incident, but in all reality I just want to be there for her. She is crying her eyes out about everything. I don't know that telling her would help anything. I'm just confused. I just cannot believe that this happened. I really didn't think that she would leave him. I never thought she would pack her bags and go. It shocked me. All I can do now is be there for my friend. This whole thing is just so sad.
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