Holy *#5%!!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Of course your mom would freak out when she heard her daughter is sending text messages to people she barely knows to have NSA sex. My mom would kill me, and I'm 35!

[shadowplay]

Maybe you should focus on meeting new people as friends before worrying about boyfriends.

 

Have you ever had any close friends, or a group of friends?

 

I did when I was younger. I have one close friend now -- an ex bf who is sometimes hard on me because he's still bitter that we never had sex when we were together. Sometimes he can be really supportive and sweet, though. I just can't talk about this kind of thing with him because he's a guy and we were involved.

 

I've been trying to make friends...and encountering the same dead ends.

[shadowplay]

Meh, I'm tired of talking about my problems.

 

Thanks for the support to those who have suffered through this exhausting thread.

 

I probably won't update again unless there's anything noteworthy to report, but I doubt there will be because I'm hoping to put the whole thing behind me.

 

Good night, good morning or good afternoon depending on where you live on the globe.

[Nevermind]

The whole experience brought me back to the pain I felt five years ago when he wrote me a kind of hostile email about something I had written in the school paper. Actually I don't remember what the email said, just that it made it clear he didn't like me. I remember lying in my room at school in the dark and crying for hours. That's why this whole thing devestated me so much.

 

Hum. You never mentioned this before. You said that you barely talked, but also that you caught him looking at you sometimes and that you thought he liked you. I don't doubt that both has happened. But why do you stop thinking of one thing and only focus on another completely? Did you remember this before? Why didn't you mention it?

[shadowplay]

Hum. You never mentioned this before. You said that you barely talked, but also that you caught him looking at you sometimes and that you thought he liked you. I don't doubt that both has happened. But why do you stop thinking of one thing and only focus on another completely? Did you remember this before? Why didn't you mention it?

 

I'm not sure why I didn't mention it. I guess I thought it didn't matter since it was so long ago...like his opinion of me could have changed.

[shadowplay]

.

 

As women, we all know we are capable of such actions, as we call the shots when it comes to sex. Which is why we can sniff out that behavior in others of the species - lol. Women are intuitive and can tell bad women from good women. I honestly think this character flaw is what keeps you from forming female friendships. Other women can SENSE a manipulator.

 

If that's true then why do so many back-stabbing biotches have friends? Ever see Mean Girls? Often the most popular girls are the nastiest, even out of high school.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

This dude sounds like a tool.

 

Find something you like, interests whatnot, do them, and you will meet likeminded people. There will be something to talk about (your shared interest) and the focus will be off of you.

 

Don't give yourself reasons why this is stupid, or why it won't work. It can work, and it can enhance your life.

[shadowplay]

Hum. You never mentioned this before. You said that you barely talked, but also that you caught him looking at you sometimes and that you thought he liked you. I don't doubt that both has happened. But why do you stop thinking of one thing and only focus on another completely? Did you remember this before? Why didn't you mention it?

 

But maybe I was also remembering selectively. Now that I think about it, he was kind of a jerk to me back then. We barely talked when we were both in school (he had a serious gf anyway), but when he graduated we emailed back in forth a few times about his ideas for the school paper (I was an editor there). He was pushing for me to write this story, and I expressed interest mostly because I liked him and wanted to impress him. But that was the semester everything fell apart for me, I sank into a deep depression and dropped out of school (temporarily). I told him that I couldn't do the story for this reason and never heard from him again. I sent him an email asking him how he was doing that he never responded to. It seemed like he was pissed off at me. I guess he thought I was unreliable which was kind of true at the time.

 

Actually, I was shocked that he asked me to hang out at all, since he seemed to dislike me before. I felt like he may have been attracted but disliked me as a person.

[Star Gazer]

If that's true then why do so many back-stabbing biotches have friends? Ever see Mean Girls? Often the most popular girls are the nastiest, even out of high school.

 

Yes, I've seen Mean Girls. Those girls weren't friends. They pretended to be friends.

[Star Gazer]

But maybe I was also remembering selectively. Now that I think about it, he was kind of a jerk to me back then. We barely talked when we were both in school (he had a serious gf anyway), but when he graduated we emailed back in forth a few times about his ideas for the school paper (I was an editor there). He was pushing for me to write this story, and I expressed interest mostly because I liked him and wanted to impress him. But that was the semester everything fell apart for me, I sank into a deep depression and dropped out of school (temporarily). I told him that I couldn't do the story for this reason and never heard from him again. I sent him an email asking him how he was doing that he never responded to. It seemed like he was pissed off at me. I guess he thought I was unreliable which was kind of true at the time.

 

Actually, I was shocked that he asked me to hang out at all, since he seemed to dislike me before. I felt like he may have been attracted but disliked me as a person.

 

I think that because he treated you poorly in the past, and then rejected you out on the street, you wanted to hurt him back, by manipulating him with sex.

[shadowplay]

Yes, I've seen Mean Girls. Those girls weren't friends. They pretended to be friends.

 

That may be so but in my observation often the crappiest people have a ton of friends, whether real or "pretend." I don't think it has as much to do with goodness of character as confidence.

[Star Gazer]

That may be so but in my observation often the crappiest people have a ton of friends, whether real or "pretend." I don't think it has as much to do with goodness of character as confidence.

 

So you'd be okay with "pretend" friends?

 

C'mon, Shadow. Manipulative people and mean girls don't have true friends. Even the mean girls knew each other were back-sabbing biotches.

[shadowplay]

So you'd be okay with "pretend" friends?

 

C'mon, Shadow. Manipulative people and mean girls don't have true friends. Even the mean girls knew each other were back-sabbing biotches.

 

No, I don't want "pretend" friends, but I'm also not a bad person. I don't think it's my character that prevents me from making friends so much as my confidence/neediness/obsessiveness. In the past I"ve always treated gfs much better than they've treated me. I was usually too accommodating and got trampled on. This wasn't just my opinion. Other people on the outside were shocked by how poorly my friends treated me. Had I been confident they probably would have respected me but they preyed on my insecurity.

 

I've seen tons of really bad people who have many close friends. In fact aholes seem to often be more popular than nice, shy people because they usually ooze confidence.

[Nevermind]

The key lesson in this example seems to be that you tend to view things black or white. Remembering only half the truth or just thinking about one aspect of a person won't help you to react and interact properly. In this case you ignored the way he treated you in the past until he repeated his behaviour.

 

Maybe next time you should take a step back and try to paint a mental image of the entire situation. Taking everything in even if it seems boring or unimportant for the moment. And then make a decision about the painting. Or try to write a story about it. But, again, really work on the preface on what happened before. It might help you see the bigger picture instead of focusing on fragments of it.

 

I am sure you're lack of friends has nothing to do with your charactre, but the way you interact. Maybe you seem too eager, too nervous, or not interested. Maybe you seem reserved or cold. It's really hard to think of anything when we never see you interact with anybody in the real world. Maybe try to bond with people over special interest groups. A book circle, maybe? Something that will give you the opportunity to meet people on a regular basis, have a common interest to talk about and ease into the getting to know each other.

[carhill]

Shadow, on the friend front, pay special attention to those who take an interest in you. Often, we overlook such people, just as you feel overlooked or ignored, because interaction with them seems so ordinary and boring compared to the drama of the "mean people".

 

I'm also noticing more people who just talk about themselves in response to others sharing stories, without ever showing interest in the other person. I'm making mental notes to avoid such people. Whether stranger, friend or family, IMO there should be balance. I tolerated a lot of imbalance prior, but MC has taught me to prioritize balanced relationships, as it is in those where both parties needs are validated and met.

 

Regarding the guy, it's just one of those things. Pedestal, he now has vacated. Human he has become. Send him on his way. Life goes on

[endlesstrains]

If that's true then why do so many back-stabbing biotches have friends? Ever see Mean Girls? Often the most popular girls are the nastiest, even out of high school.

 

Listen to what you are saying. You profess to know and understand the various intricacies of relationships (with both women and men) yet you readily admit to having little experience and end up quoting movies for your examples. How can you say so surely that women can't sniff out "bad women" if you have had no female friends since you were young?

 

Look, this is how it is... women are very intuitive and they WILL and DO sense the games that other women play. They will feed into those games if it is beneficial to them. If it's not, they will ostracize the game-playing, drama-causing girl because who wants that kind of thing in their group of friends? Stop making excuses for why everyone else doesn't like you and realize it's something YOU are doing, not everyone else in the world. YOU are playing games with people's emotions and no one likes that. The world does not revolve around Shadowplay. Once you realize this, things will become much easier.

[kizik]

I'm also noticing more people who just talk about themselves in response to others sharing stories, without ever showing interest in the other person. I'm making mental notes to avoid such people.

 

Thanks for this, carhill. So very true. My ex would talk at me for an hour and then go, "So, how was your day?"

[shadowplay]

Listen to what you are saying. You profess to know and understand the various intricacies of relationships (with both women and men) yet you readily admit to having little experience and end up quoting movies for your examples. How can you say so surely that women can't sniff out "bad women" if you have had no female friends since you were young?

 

Look, this is how it is... women are very intuitive and they WILL and DO sense the games that other women play. They will feed into those games if it is beneficial to them. If it's not, they will ostracize the game-playing, drama-causing girl because who wants that kind of thing in their group of friends? Stop making excuses for why everyone else doesn't like you and realize it's something YOU are doing, not everyone else in the world. YOU are playing games with people's emotions and no one likes that. The world does not revolve around Shadowplay. Once you realize this, things will become much easier.

 

This is the last post of this nature to which I will respond. I'm tired of defending myself to deaf ears.

 

The girls who rejected me when I was younger were unequivocally abusive, both verbally and physically. There wasn't a shred of doubt that they were the aggressors. Years later people I've met who knew me back then have expressed their sympathy for the way I was bullied. It was so bad that people I barely knew noticed and told their parents. The girls themselves have even apologized. I was not manipulative to these "friends." I was actually too nice and tried hard to please them, but they preyed on my insecurity. Worse, I tended to fight back and try to defend myself when they were abusive...which goaded them on because they took sadistic pleasure in getting a rise out of me (even openly admitted to it). I should have just left when the abuse started, but the alternative (being friendless) seemed worst to me at the time.

 

I can't believe you would even suggest that they were ostracizing me because I was "bad." That's laughable, and so far from the reality of what happened. It's like telling a kid who was abused by a parent that he deserved it because he was a "bad boy." It's ridiculous that knowing very little about me you would try to delve into my past and the explain the actions of people who abused me over ten years ago...even twist it into being my own fault. You don't know me, that much is clear.

 

Talking with my therapist last night was enlightening. As usual she had a very different response to my behavior than what I received on here. She thought it was understandable given all the crap I've been through lately (abortion, wrenching breakup) that in a moment of loneliness, desperation and intoxication I would have made the plea that I did. She suggested I write him back that I made a mistake so I can hold my head high, whether he loses interest or not.

 

She believes I post on this forum because I seek out negative feedback, in the same way I clung to those girls who abused me. She said because of my loneliness I'd rather connect with people who criticize me and make me feel bad than be alone. She is trying to help me see that I'm not a bad person and I need to stop listening to people who affirm my negative self image. She believes I've resorted to physical intimacy as a tool because it has been one of the only ways I've found to connect to men in the past (for instance my ex, who mostly seemed interested in me for sex).

 

She said right now I only believe I have two paths to connection with people: physical intimacy or hanging around nasty people who misunderstand me. She is trying to teach me new, healthier ways. She is also trying to teach me ways of representing myself better so people stop mischaracterizing me. She said that I may have problems relating to people on a superficial level, but I have the advantage of being unusually perceptive and insightful. Most people she talks to have the opposite problem. They can connect on a superficial level but have trouble with deeper intimacy. Thought some of you might be interested in what a trained professional had to say, but you'll probably dismiss it too...or you'll say she's not seeing the full picture. The truth is she sees much more of me than people on here do because she talks to me in person, and she knows vastly more about human psychology. I am printing out some pages from these threads for our next session.

 

She has told me to stop posting here, and I'm strongly considering following her advice. Before I do I just want to say there are some very helpful, insightful, warm people on this board. Kamille, Carhill, Nevermind, Spookie, Ocean_Blue, Prodigal Princess, Cherry...to name just a few (though there are many more). I really appreciate the advice they've given and I have learned a lot from them. But there's another group that spoils the atmosphere, at least for me. Unfortunately those are the people I end up engaging with in an futile effort to make people understand me who clearly never will. I tend to heed negative feedback more than positive feedback, so nothing good can come of me posting here. I'm giving up the fight and looking for better people.

[endlesstrains]

Yes, shadow. As usual you are the innocent victim and everyone around you has done you so much wrong. Nothing that happens in your life is ever your fault or responsibility. I think it's pretty obvious to most of us here at this point that you are never going to change. I guess if you like a life full of drama, you are lucky, because you're guarenteed to have one for many years to come. Good luck.

[Nevermind]

She believes I've resorted to physical intimacy as a tool because it has been one of the only ways I've found to connect to men in the past (for instance my ex, who mostly seemed interested in me for sex).

This suggestion has been made here, too.

 

The truth is she sees much more of me than people on here do because she talks to me in person, and she knows vastly more about human psychology.

She is also trying to teach me ways of representing myself better so people stop mischaracterizing me.

Maybe those two belong together. Please, print out your own postings as well. Maybe you are extremely different in person, and your therapy could profit from seeing the "LS-shadowplay" that you show here. This is not meant as a critique, on the internet you only get a limited view of a personality and many arguments are caused by simple misunderstanding and misrepresentations. But it can help to shed a light on how you interact with people, and why you deal more with negativity than encouragement, for instance.

 

---

 

One more thing, maybe it's me, but I didn't see that endlesstrains made a remark about your childhood experiences, or that you deserved them. I really don't. While I understand that you are hurt by his post, which was harsh, I think you opened same old wounds yourself that nobody even touched. Picking your battles is always a good idea.

[ahah2322]

maybe majority of us here have not been all sweet and lovey in our responses but i'm positive that all of us want you to be emotionally healthy and make positive choices in life. i'm sure taking time to post responses indicates some form of concern.

 

well, in life, not everything is soothing to the ears. listen, understand, evaluate and see if the advice is worth taking. some advice is painful, yes, but also helpful. don't just dismiss it cos' it isn't soothing to your ears. for e.g., i have been pretty insensitve and rude to some posters and have apologized because that it the truth. you will encounter differing opinions, some harsh words of wisdom..., etc.

 

we are not therapists but i'm sure responses from people from all walks of life who each have a good lifetime of experiences to boot and who take valuable time to post responses counts for something right.

[Stockalone]

Talking with my therapist last night was enlightening. As usual she had a very different response to my behavior than what I received on here. She thought it was understandable given all the crap I've been through lately (abortion, wrenching breakup) that in a moment of loneliness, desperation and intoxication I would have made the plea that I did. She suggested I write him back that I made a mistake so I can hold my head high, whether he loses interest or not.

 

I'd say you can keep your head held high whether you send him a message or not.

 

It was an unusual circumstance (having a crush on the guy for some time), along with your emotions from the recent past. And you were a bit drunk, so I can see why you wanted to make that NSA sex offer.

 

About your mother, she probably freaked because she is worried about you. That is natural, I am also very protective of my sister and would throw a fit if she did what you did. But I think it is more because she was worried and not because she wanted to punish you for having a moment of weakness.

 

 

She believes I post on this forum because I seek out negative feedback, in the same way I clung to those girls who abused me. She said because of my loneliness I'd rather connect with people who criticize me and make me feel bad than be alone. She is trying to help me see that I'm not a bad person and I need to stop listening to people who affirm my negative self image. She believes I've resorted to physical intimacy as a tool because it has been one of the only ways I've found to connect to men in the past (for instance my ex, who mostly seemed interested in me for sex).

 

Being alone doesn't equal loneliness, at least not in the bad sense of being abandoned and unhappy. If your therapist can get you to see this (being alone and o.k., even happy with it) as at least an alternative to seeking the company of people who aren't good for you, that is huge step in the right direction.

 

 

She said right now I only believe I have two paths to connection with people: physical intimacy or hanging around nasty people who misunderstand me. She is trying to teach me new, healthier ways. She is also trying to teach me ways of representing myself better so people stop mischaracterizing me. She said that I may have problems relating to people on a superficial level, but I have the advantage of being unusually perceptive and insightful. Most people she talks to have the opposite problem. They can connect on a superficial level but have trouble with deeper intimacy. Thought some of you might be interested in what a trained professional had to say, but you'll probably dismiss it too...or you'll say she's not seeing the full picture. The truth is she sees much more of me than people on here do because she talks to me in person, and she knows vastly more about human psychology. I am printing out some pages from these threads for our next session.

 

That is very good, being open with her will benefit you. If I remember correctly, you are going back to college this year. That is a great opportunity to make new friends. You will start out with a clean slate, a new beginning. Even if you have trouble making friends on your own right now, I am sure you can do it with your therapist's help. And equally important IME, once you meet people who are a good match for you, you will find it easier to establish those friendships. That goes both for platonic friendships as well as romantic ones.

 

 

She has told me to stop posting here, and I'm strongly considering following her advice. Before I do I just want to say there are some very helpful, insightful, warm people on this board. Kamille, Carhill, Nevermind, Spookie, Ocean_Blue, Prodigal Princess, Cherry...to name just a few (though there are many more). I really appreciate the advice they've given and I have learned a lot from them. But there's another group that spoils the atmosphere, at least for me. Unfortunately those are the people I end up engaging with in an futile effort to make people understand me who clearly never will. I tend to heed negative feedback more than positive feedback, so nothing good can come of me posting here. I'm giving up the fight and looking for better people.

 

I can understand how LS can have a negative effect sometimes, especially if you are prone to take the negative feedback too serious. If, in your case, it also "confirms" the self-doubts you have about yourself, it is probably a good idea to take a time-out from LS.

 

First and foremost, you have the right and the obligation to protect yourself. If not posting on LS is a necessary part in achieving that, then that is what you need to do.

 

I wish you luck and strength to find what you are seeking.

[shadowplay]

maybe majority of us here have not been all sweet and lovey in our responses but i'm positive that all of us want you to be emotionally healthy and make positive choices in life. i'm sure taking time to post responses indicates some form of concern.

 

well, in life, not everything is soothing to the ears. listen, understand, evaluate and see if the advice is worth taking. some advice is painful, yes, but also helpful. don't just dismiss it cos' it isn't soothing to your ears. for e.g., i have been pretty insensitve and rude to some posters and have apologized because that it the truth. you will encounter differing opinions, some harsh words of wisdom..., etc.

 

we are not therapists but i'm sure responses from people from all walks of life who each have a good lifetime of experiences to boot and who take valuable time to post responses counts for something right.

 

There are certainly been many constructive, insightful responses to my threads. Sometimes advice can be hard to read but helpful. That is not what I'm referring to. I'm referring to posters who basically call me a "bad person" or imply that I am. I hardly see that as constructive in any way, especially given my low self esteem.

 

While most posters I believe are genuinely concerned, a handful of others are clearly trying to put me down for their own personal pleasure...or to gain a sense of moral superiority. I'm not naive...I've always been good at understanding human nature.

 

If those posters choose to respond to this thread, I will simply ignore them from now on.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

First of all, I think it is great that you are in therapy and you are opening up to your therapist. If I recall, at one point you had not told him/her that you had body image issues. Yet, in this thread (or another one?) You said you were diagnosed with BPD. So you obviously opened up, which will only help you.

 

I used to seek negative feedback too- I would apologize to the people who were being abusive to me, and I would seek their approval. I think you do this too. This kind of behavior has deep roots. Family dynamics, history of abuse...not sure what it is with you but you are in a position to identify these behaviors with the therapist and most importantly, to change your reactions.

 

If you choose to post here, do it only if you can read the advice with a clear head, take out of it what will benefit you (neg or pos) and reject the posters who you feel are egging you on.

 

If not, I hope you update us once in a while on how it's going.

 

i can tell you that I had a lot of very warped thought patterns when I was younger and it CAN CHANGE. Like, 100%, 180 degree change. Sometimes i look back at how I behaved with my first boyfriend and I CRINGE! Yikes......

 

Good luck!