Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 You said he looked like a dork and he had low confidence. You're a attracted to that? I actually found it kind of cute and endearing.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 If your goal is to look like a tease, that's a great plan. You and I both know the reason he agreed to see you again right away is because you offered yourself to him. If he really wanted to see you again soon after the initial date, he would have either tried to extend the date or set something up rather than "see ya". I think it's unfair to him to go on this date and lead him on, only to go back on something you offered him. Not only that, but it's really going to make you look bad in his eyes for sending mixed signals. Besides, when the situation comes down to it, and his toungue is down your throat, are you really going to get up and walk away?? At this point, you have shown him a complete lack of self respect which gives him absolutely no reason to show you any. I don't know if there is a way to gain it back at this point, but playing head games with him is definately not going to work in your favour. If you want this guy to have any respect for you, and maintain some of your own self respect, cut your losses and walk away. why does wanting casual sex mean i have no self respect?
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Right, but worst case scenario he thinks I'm playing games and thinks it's not worth the effort of waiting for me to go all the way and he bails...then i would be eliminating someone who was only interested in a f$ck and run. If he's not interested in a f$ck and run, he's interested in a relatinship. You're not capable of EITHER right now, so why do this?????????
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 If he's not interested in a f$ck and run, he's interested in a relatinship. You're not capable of EITHER right now, so why do this????????? Don't you think there's an inbetween fling type thing that's not serious? that's what I was hoping for.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Don't you think there's an inbetween fling type thing that's not serious? that's what I was hoping for. Not that YOU are capable of handling, NO.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I should have probably just gone without posting about it or second guessing myself. I was all excited and now I feel miserable and sh#tty about myself. I mean this whole thing about him not being attracted to me seemed unnecessarily cruel for people to harp on. And why is it so wrong for me to want casual sex with a guy, along with getting to know him a little better? Why does that mean I have no self respect? It seems like a double standard because I doubt people would be telling this to a guy. Whatever, I'll probably stop posting for awhile...at least today because it's just getting me down. Maybe I'll write an update tomorrow.
A.G.Doren Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 why does wanting casual sex mean i have no self respect? In your case it means you don't have self-respect because you don't don't really want casual sex, you're just desperate for this man to be attracted you for whatever reasons.
Nevermind Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I should have probably just gone without posting about it or second guessing myself. I was all excited and now I feel miserable and sh#tty about myself. I mean this whole thing about him not being attracted to me seemed unnecessarily cruel for people to harp on. And why is it so wrong for me to want casual sex with a guy, along with getting to know him a little better? Why does that mean I have no self respect? It seems like a double standard because I doubt people would be telling this to a guy. That's not true. You felt bad about it, when you announced that you did something stupid. You didn't write "It was so amazing, and here is what I did and this is all so exciting". You wrote " I am so depressed and embarrassed." The date, the way you spoke about it, shows that you yourself were doubting wether or not he really cared about you. He was different than you remembered. Maybe so were you. A few things I noticed that made me feel bad. He asked me NO questions about myself, none. He also wasn't making very good eye contact, looking around the room at times. Made me feel like he didn't want to be there. People are just picking up on what you wrote, shadow. It's not being mean or harsh. People are trying to help you internalize what you saw yourself. You can have casual sex and get to know him better. But you cannot use sex as a means to get to know him. If you start mind-games or taking back now, he will lose respect and interest. It's a lesson learned. You didn't even have fun on that date. He was changed. The only thing that keeps you going here, is the wish to fulfill a fantasy and the need for a rebound. Both very human, and very understandable. But both are not helping you. My advice, and I agree with most here, is that you should simply tell him you changed your mind and leave it be.
konfuzd Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 why does wanting casual sex mean i have no self respect? I agree with A.G You had one awkward date with a guy that neither of you were feeling, then you immediately go home and tell him your legs are open for business. You are only seeking affirmation from this guy, or hoping that he's going to magically fall in love with you while he's pounding you. Think about it seriously, how are you going to feel when he zips up his pants and tells you it's time for you to leave. Are you really going to feel good about yourself? "gee that was fun, let's do it again sometime!":laugh: The truth of the matter is that men and women are hardwired differently and have different biological responses to sex. Your brain can not overcome biology. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a girl who honestly maintains her self respect after behaving this way, or a man who would honestly respect a woman who would ask for no strings sex after one mediocre date.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 In your case it means you have self-respect because you don't don't really want casual sex, you're just desperate for this man to be attracted you for whatever reasons. I have to agree with this.
A.G.Doren Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I agree with A.G You had one awkward date with a guy that neither of you were feeling, then you immediately go home and tell him your legs are open for business. You are only seeking affirmation from this guy, or hoping that he's going to magically fall in love with you while he's pounding you. Think about it seriously, how are you going to feel when he zips up his pants and tells you it's time for you to leave. Are you really going to feel good about yourself? "gee that was fun, let's do it again sometime!":laugh: The truth of the matter is that men and women are hardwired differently and have different biological responses to sex. Your brain can not overcome biology. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a girl who honestly maintains her self respect after behaving this way, or a man who would honestly respect a woman who would ask for no strings sex after one mediocre date. Difference between the sexes aside in Shadow's own words she said she felt like a giant slut and felt bad about the whole thing. It doesn't matter what men and women do or what they want. In this instance only Shadow is important. From what she has said she doesn't want NSA.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 The more I read you guys write, the worse I feel. I actually was excited, I just wrote the brunt of that original entry before I read his response. I wasn't using sex as a means to get him to fall in love with me; I was being pragmatic about the fact that he was leaving soon. The whole experience was just confusing and demoralizing to me. I definitely held up my end of he convo well and came off as more confident than he did. I looked pretty damn nice too if I do say so myself. So I was hurt and confused by his weird demeanor at the end. If he had no interest whatsoever in me, even as a person, he wouldn't have set up the original "date" or whatever it was. Yet he acted all strange and awkward when he left. I had two options. One I could interpret his behavior as an out out rejection, which would have been devestating to me given my feelings for him. The other was I could not internalize it as a personal rejection. I figured he was probably as awkward and nervous as I was, but that didn't mean he thought I was unattractive. He wasn't interested in going out with me either because he was leaving soon or for whatever reason. But I chose to not see it as he's not at all attracted to me. The reason I propositioned him is I figured he might not want to get involved given that he was leaving soon but would probably be interested if I made it clear I was just into hooking up (which was my original intent, after all). I probably could have done it in a more discreet fashion, but I was drunk at the time. You guys are just making me feel really bad about myself and internalize the rejection. I can't state how bad I feel now. As bad as I felt after the date itself before reading his response, I feel about ten times worse now. Honestly, I wish he had never contacted me at all. I took a huge risk, but I didn't expect to be rejected so harshly since he had taken the initiative.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 You're right Shadow. It's all our fault you feel bad, had nothing to do with what you did.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 You're right Shadow. It's all our fault you feel bad, had nothing to do with what you did. No, I'm not saying that. As I said I felt miserable after the date, but I still didn't feel as rejected as I do now after reading this thread. I just don't understand why he asked me to go and then acted the way he did. The whole thing confuses me and I don't know how to make sense of it. It makes me feel repulsive and unattractive, since it seems like I did everything else right. Like I was so bad that he had to just get away without even a polite goodbye. I mean even if the whole thing was just friendly he would have said at least said "it was nice seeing you." I've never had someone be so rude. But it's like I was so bad he couldn't even muster that. That's my interpretation of the situation now. It makes me want to hide from the world. It doesn't even seem like many girls would be into him, so it makes the rejection more painful. That doesn't mean I don't find him attractive (I do very much so), but my preferences are weird. Even if it was at least an isolated case, I wouldn't feel so bad but this kind of thing always seems to happen to me. It seems like a guy is interested and then flat out rejects me. A guy will ask me to do something and then suddenly act cold or weird when I show interest back. It's rare that a guy is really interested in me. I guess my exbf was the exception, but even he was lukewarm before really getting to know me. Then other guys I interact with on a daily basis are either hostile or ignore me when I try to be friendly. What's wrong with me? Well, I at least told him I had changed my mind about doing it tonight and wouldn't be free until later in the week so that buys me time to consider it and talk to my therapist about it first. I just really, really hate myself. I'm never good enough, no matter how hard I try. It didn't start this way but now I feel like settling for scraps because that's the best I'll ever get. No guy I really like will ever like me back. Doesn't matter how confident I am, I'm just not attractive to guys. I might as well throw myself at him and take what I can get. I have no respect for myself anyway...or my body.
StartingOver07 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 One I could interpret his behavior as an out out rejection, which would have been devestating to me given my feelings for him. The other was I could not internalize it as a personal rejection. I figured he was probably as awkward and nervous as I was, but that didn't mean he thought I was unattractive. He wasn't interested in going out with me either because he was leaving soon or for whatever reason. But I chose to not see it as he's not at all attracted to me. There is something really wrong with your reasoning here, Shadow. Guys will have sex with women they are wildly attracted to as well as with women they are only marginally attracted to. Defining your attractiveness -- worse, defining your self-worth -- by whether a guy is willing to hook up with you is just... sad. Just about any woman can find a man to **** her. This does not require great beauty or charm or intelligence. If you are measuring your worth against whether this man or any other man wants to have sex with you, you are barking up the wrong tree.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 There is something really wrong with your reasoning here, Shadow. Guys will have sex with women they are wildly attracted to as well as with women they are only marginally attracted to. Defining your attractiveness -- worse, defining your self-worth -- by whether a guy is willing to hook up with you is just... sad. Just about any woman can find a man to **** her. This does not require great beauty or charm or intelligence. If you are measuring your worth against whether this man or any other man wants to have sex with you, you are barking up the wrong tree. I wasn't measuring whether he found me attractive based on whether he wanted the sex, but I also wasn't taking his demeanor at the end of the date to mean he wasn't at all attracted to me...just that he wasn't interested in dating me for whatever reason. It seems like everybody on this thread is assuming he definitely isn't physically attracted to me and that's what has made me feel really bad. Because I was trying to not interpret it that way, as I usually would. I mean, couldn't he have found me attractive but not felt like our personalities clicked? Why is it so wrong to reason that way if it spares me some pain? I don't understand.
HeartLikeLead Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Some social skills I learned stripping: -Smile. A lot. Smiling makes people around you feel comfortable, and it relaxes you. Even if you feel stupid doing it, just smile. -Say what's on your mind, even if it's socially out-there and sounds dumb. Usually, people's thoughts are far more interesting than small-talk, plus with your thoughts out in the open you won't have to obsess about them while you think of things to say. Works like a charm to build intimacy and to give people the idea that they know you (and therefore trust and like you). -Chill out and have a sense of humor about what's going on. If it goes well, great. If it's a disaster, it's a good story. Man I would make a damn good stripper! Plus I have natural 36DDs. Hmm maybe instead of temp work Ill go all Diablo Cody preJuno for a while!
StartingOver07 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I wasn't measuring whether he found me attractive based on whether he wanted the sex, but I also wasn't taking his demeanor at the end of the date to mean he wasn't at all attracted to me...just that he wasn't interested in dating me for whatever reason. It seems like everybody on this thread is assuming he definitely isn't physically attracted to me and that's what has made me feel really bad. Because I was trying to not interpret it that way, as I usually would. I mean, couldn't he have found me attractive but not felt like our personalities clicked? Why is it so wrong to reason that way if it spares me some pain? I don't understand. Nothing is wrong with him not being interested in you. I don't care who you are or what you look like, you are not going to float everyone's boat. But the question then is, why did you offer him NSA sex? How is that the logical next step after determining that someone is not interested, whatever the reason? It just seems that you are adding insult to injury -- first you felt rejected by the guy, now you are going to seal the deal by offering him sex. No matter how it plays out, you will never know whether he accepted your offer just because he wanted to get some or whether he would have had his own independent interest in you. A person with a healthy ego would have been able to walk away from that meeting and perhaps be mildly disappointed that there was no connection, but otherwise be ok with it. That wou weren't says a lot more about you than him.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I mean why is it necessary that I interpret it this way "he found me unattractive" as opposed to "our personalities didn't click, or he wasn't interested in pursuing something since he was leaving soon." I see no harm in seeing it the other way if it lessons the blow. I also don't see how you guys can say definitively that that interpretation is wrong based on his actions.
HeartLikeLead Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I wasn't measuring whether he found me attractive based on whether he wanted the sex, but I also wasn't taking his demeanor at the end of the date to mean he wasn't at all attracted to me...just that he wasn't interested in dating me for whatever reason. It seems like everybody on this thread is assuming he definitely isn't physically attracted to me and that's what has made me feel really bad. Because I was trying to not interpret it that way, as I usually would. I mean, couldn't he have found me attractive but not felt like our personalities clicked? Why is it so wrong to reason that way if it spares me some pain? I don't understand. Here this will make you feel better. I am apparently according to a vast number of people pretty damn hella hot (so they say, I can't say it or I would seem like a snot) But CHEMISTRY is a big deal. I went out with one guy and we both said we found each other very HOT 'looking' yet zero zip chemistry and even our personalities were out of sync. And no he wasn't gay nor did he have low sex drive. He found another chick and their chemistry/personalities are perfectly aligned and even though she is a very plain jane, she rocks his world between the sheets! Men are more complex than people on this thread are giving them credit for. And also I tend to date brainiac men. Really smart guys who over think everything. They get hung up on stupid little pieces of info (that have nothing to do with a chicks looks) and then backoff. A couple of them have thought girls didnt like them who actually did. Mr Phd guy may just have issues and I wouldnt take it personally. Hugs!
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Nothing is wrong with him not being interested in you. I don't care who you are or what you look like, you are not going to float everyone's boat. But the question then is, why did you offer him NSA sex? How is that the logical next step after determining that someone is not interested, whatever the reason? It just seems that you are adding insult to injury -- first you felt rejected by the guy, now you are going to seal the deal by offering him sex. No matter how it plays out, you will never know whether he accepted your offer just because he wanted to get some or whether he would have had his own independent interest in you. A person with a healthy ego would have been able to walk away from that meeting and perhaps be mildly disappointed that there was no connection, but otherwise be ok with it. That wou weren't says a lot more about you than him. I agree with you...but I don't understand why you thought my thinking was so off because I didn't interpret his demeanor as necessarily a rejection of my physical appearance...I just figured he wasn't interested in dating me for some reason, but decided I wouldn't draw any conclusions about why.
HeartLikeLead Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 A person with a healthy ego would have been able to walk away from that meeting and perhaps be mildly disappointed that there was no connection, but otherwise be ok with it. That wou weren't says a lot more about you than him. BS...Shadow had high hopes and its normal to feel a bit wounded. Has nothing to do with a healthy ego. Only someone who wasn't feeling and was just very cavalier wouldnt care about rejection.
StartingOver07 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I mean why is it necessary that I interpret it this way "he found me unattractive" as opposed to "our personalities didn't click, or he wasn't interested in pursuing something since he was leaving soon." I see no harm in seeing it the other way if it lessons the blow. I also don't see how you guys can say definitively that that interpretation is wrong based on his actions. Shadow, you're the one who brought up attractiveness. I don't know why you need to frame it this way at all. Nor do I understand how having meaningless sex will make you feel less rejected. If anything, I think it will have the reverse affect. In any case, I think you will do exactly what you want to do.
ahah2322 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 hey shadow, fwiw, i don't think it's a good idea to continue with the NSA sex. judging by this talk, you don't sound like you're ready for this. i'm quite positive you will regret this. i think you're just taking the rejection too personally. so what if he's not interested and attracted? i'm sure you're a very attractive person but you have to realize that not everyone will be attracted to you. maybe it's due to the lack of chemistry, spark.. or varying taste. so, like what Star has said, stop looking for external validation. correct me if i'm wrong, but it does seem like you're using the 'sex' part as external validation disguised under ' he's leaving real soon/ and what is wrong with me wanting casual sex?'. because shadow, if you had no problem with this ( wanting casual sex), you will not be over-thinking this.. i.e. slutty, the many messages to him, the posts on LS, the wanting him to 'date' you for abit first...
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