Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 well, how could i get to the point and make it less whiny? I don't think you can. You can't put NSA sex on the table and then take it back by making it conditional on some fake courting ritual.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 the only message being communicated is that you don't know what you want - but you're willing to yank his chain by changing your mind every two minutes. save the poor guy the misery, shadow. A similar pattern to that of Shadow and the exBF......
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 You're trying to control who desires you and how deeply. You can't.
JP77 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 A similar pattern to that of Shadow and the exBF...... And his best friend.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I don't think you can. You can't put NSA sex on the table and then take it back by making it conditional on some fake courting ritual. That's what I was afraid of. I mean I told him I was drunk when I said it. Doesn't that count?
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 You're trying to control who desires you and how deeply. You can't. no, i'm not. I don't have any control over that. I just want to know whether he's at least attracted to me before we have sex because otherwise it will ruin the xperience.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 That's what I was afraid of. I mean I told him I was drunk when I said it. Doesn't that count? No. Leave him be, Shadow. You'll either paint yourself to be a slutty fool, or destroy this guy's self-esteem, or both. Just don't. Be single, alone, and CELIBATE for a while. Work on you. STOP seeking EXTERNAL VALIDATION.
StartingOver07 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 "That sounds lovely" sounds like he has romantic inclinations towards you... Not it doesn't. Don't fill the girls head with nonsense, SG. I say that and when I do, I mean it in a sarcastic way. Men love sarcasm, SG. He probably just wanted to make the poster, shut the hell up. Or he's a nerdy, not-so-confident guy who does not how to respond to someone offering NSA sex, so he responded with what he thought would be the right thing to say. You may have shocked him, Shadow. What do you guys think of sending this? I've been having second thoughts. I mean I would like to, but I feel we should get to know each other a *little* better first otherwise it just takes the fun out of the whole experience. The alternative feels unnatural to me. If you're not interested in anything other than hopping into bed for one night, it's probably not a good idea. I kind of got the sense from the way you left abruptly last night that you didn't like me. That's fine, but part of the pleasure in sex for me is feeling desired. So I need to feel there's some mutual attraction to actually enjoy it. Ugh. It sounds like what you want to do is restore the balance of power. You gave him all the power when you offered NSA sex. Now you regret that, so you want to make him "work" for the sex, so he knows he's earned it. This puts you back in the driver's seat. Unless he is truly desperate, this message is bound to be a huge turn-off. He will see it either that you are playing games or do not know what you want. Honestly, I think you should just walk away. Sex is sex, Shadow. This guy doesn't have any parts that every other guy doesn't have. Why do you want to demean yourself this way?
2sunny Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 no, i'm not. I don't have any control over that. I just want to know whether he's at least attracted to me before we have sex because otherwise it will ruin the xperience. SP- you have already ruined it by second guessing everything about the way it could - should - would be. that's why if and when it were to ever happen - it's already been ruined by your thought processes that you are doing here. no need to visit an experience that has already been poisoned by your mind.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Or he's a nerdy, not-so-confident guy who does not how to respond to someone offering NSA sex, so he responded with what he thought would be the right thing to say. You may have shocked him, Shadow. Ugh. It sounds like what you want to do is restore the balance of power. You gave him all the power when you offered NSA sex. Now you regret that, so you want to make him "work" for the sex, so he knows he's earned it. This puts you back in the driver's seat. Unless he is truly desperate, this message is bound to be a huge turn-off. He will see it either that you are playing games or do not know what you want. Honestly, I think you should just walk away. Sex is sex, Shadow. This guy doesn't have any parts that every other guy doesn't have. Why do you want to demean yourself this way? But I'm really attracted to him, and I've wondered for years what it would be like to touch him and kiss him.
JP77 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 But I'm really attracted to him, and I've wondered for years what it would be like to touch him and kiss him. I thought you said you always wanted to fiddle with his balls in the bathtub?
StartingOver07 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 But I'm really attracted to him, and I've wondered for years what it would be like to touch him and kiss him. Ok. What's wrong with continuing to wonder? And why are you attracted to hm? Because he's someone you have not "conquered" or are there actual qualities in him that you are attracted to? I guess it comes down to this: how will you feel afterwards? Will having sex with someone who is having sex with you just because it's there make youfeel valued? Will it help you in your pursuit of developing genuine, sustainable relationships with people?
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Ok. What's wrong with continuing to wonder? And why are you attracted to hm? Because he's someone you have not "conquered" or are there actual qualities in him that you are attracted to? I guess it comes down to this: how will you feel afterwards? Will having sex with someone who is having sex with you just because it's there make youfeel valued? Will it help you in your pursuit of developing genuine, sustainable relationships with people? I'm attracted to him because there are actual qualities in him I'm attracted to. Many. Always have been. How do you know he's having sex with me just because it's there and not attracted to me as well? I mean he probably doesn't have a crush, but he may still find me attractive.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I'm attracted to him because there are actual qualities in him I'm attracted to. Many. Always have been. Such as? You've admitted you barely know the guy, hence why you want "fake dates" to get to know him before sleeping with him.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Such as? You've admitted you barely know the guy, hence why you want "fake dates" to get to know him before sleeping with him. Well, I'd never spoken to him one on one before, but I had seen him speak in groups many times. He's extremely smart, passionate, really believes in good causes, intense.
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I have nothing else to say but that "veni, vidi, vici" must be your daily affirmation, Shadow. Nothing else explains your desires here.
konfuzd Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 There is a huge difference between harbouring a fantasy and going through with it. It is never going to play out the way it is in your head and you are going to be dissapointed. I guarantee it. You've built up this guy's expectations that he's getting no strings sex. As of right now, you are a hole to stick is schlong into and that's it. I'm sorry, but you put yourself into that position, whether you were drunk or not. If he has to take you to a movie to get there, it's still the ultimate goal. If you send him another message saying that you've reconsidered, you're sending the message that you're basically trying to manipulate him into dating you. You've dangled a carrot in his face, then you're going to try to make him feel guilty for not treating you with respect. What are you going to gain from all this? If you were truly into it just to get off, you wouldn't be doubting yourself. You want more, and you're going to end up broken hearted when he leaves. Why even bother going through that? Know that you could have done it, and keep the fantasy in your head where it can still be a perfect experience.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I have nothing else to say but that "veni, vidi, vici" must be your daily affirmation, Shadow. Nothing else explains your desires here. I know you won't believe me, but it really goes a lot deeper than that. I've harbored a secret crush on this guy for years. I used to be obsessed with him...I thought he was the perfect man. Now I see that I was idealizing, but still the opportunity to kiss him and touch him really excites me because it's something I always dreamed of. I have a feeling a lot of women would think he was nothing special, but I always saw this spark in him.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 There is a huge difference between harbouring a fantasy and going through with it. It is never going to play out the way it is in your head and you are going to be dissapointed. I guarantee it. You've built up this guy's expectations that he's getting no strings sex. As of right now, you are a hole to stick is schlong into and that's it. I'm sorry, but you put yourself into that position, whether you were drunk or not. If he has to take you to a movie to get there, it's still the ultimate goal. If you send him another message saying that you've reconsidered, you're sending the message that you're basically trying to manipulate him into dating you. You've dangled a carrot in his face, then you're going to try to make him feel guilty for not treating you with respect. What are you going to gain from all this? If you were truly into it just to get off, you wouldn't be doubting yourself. You want more, and you're going to end up broken hearted when he leaves. Why even bother going through that? Know that you could have done it, and keep the fantasy in your head where it can still be a perfect experience. So if I went to the movie with him and then made out but said I decided I didn't want to have sex right away would that not work?
StartingOver07 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I'm attracted to him because there are actual qualities in him I'm attracted to. Many. Always have been. How do you know he's having sex with me just because it's there and not attracted to me as well? I mean he probably doesn't have a crush, but he may still find me attractive. Anything I know is from what you've presented here. And that is that sex was not on the table until you placed it there and then you did so by offering NSA sex. I'm sure he has to have some minimum level of physical attraction (or else he's have turned you down) but this is quite separate from being attracted to who you are, not just what you look like. In any case, you are not answering the question: How will having meaningless sex make you feel? If you are fine with it and can process sex as just so many of your parts joining with so many of his parts, then I suppose you should go for it.
StartingOver07 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 So if I went to the movie with him and then made out but said I decided I didn't want to have sex right away would that not work? it would work to establish that you are playing games. Is that what you want? It seems as though what you want is for this guy to confess that he not only had a crush on you back then, but that he has one now. You want him to pursue you and want you but you've already placed your cards on the table. Yes, you can try to bluff now, but he's already seen your hand and there's no way to make him "un-see" it. All you can do is either go through with your offer or take it off the table completely. You can't manipulate the situation so that he becomes the pursuer. Sure, you can pretend, and he can pretend, too, but you'll both know you're pretending.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 In any case, you are not answering the question: How will having meaningless sex make you feel? If you are fine with it and can process sex as just so many of your parts joining with so many of his parts, then I suppose you should go for it. I think it depends on what happens if and when we actually have sex. I could end up feeling used, or I could end up feeling satisfied and happy for the experience. With the friend of my ex's I never felt used because it seemed more than purely physical for him once he actually got to know me. Instead I just felt guilty and slimy, but not used. So it all depends on his demeanor if we met up.
Author shadowplay Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 it would work to establish that you are playing games. Is that what you want? It seems as though what you want is for this guy to confess that he not only had a crush on you back then, but that he has one now. You want him to pursue you and want you but you've already placed your cards on the table. Yes, you can try to bluff now, but he's already seen your hand and there's no way to make him "un-see" it. All you can do is either go through with your offer or take it off the table completely. You can't manipulate the situation so that he becomes the pursuer. Sure, you can pretend, and he can pretend, too, but you'll both know you're pretending. Right, but worst case scenario he thinks I'm playing games and thinks it's not worth the effort of waiting for me to go all the way and he bails...then i would be eliminating someone who was only interested in a f$ck and run.
A.G.Doren Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I am attracted to him. You said he looked like a dork and he had low confidence. You're a attracted to that?
konfuzd Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 So if I went to the movie with him and then made out but said I decided I didn't want to have sex right away would that not work? If your goal is to look like a tease, that's a great plan. You and I both know the reason he agreed to see you again right away is because you offered yourself to him. If he really wanted to see you again soon after the initial date, he would have either tried to extend the date or set something up rather than "see ya". I think it's unfair to him to go on this date and lead him on, only to go back on something you offered him. Not only that, but it's really going to make you look bad in his eyes for sending mixed signals. Besides, when the situation comes down to it, and his toungue is down your throat, are you really going to get up and walk away?? At this point, you have shown him a complete lack of self respect which gives him absolutely no reason to show you any. I don't know if there is a way to gain it back at this point, but playing head games with him is definately not going to work in your favour. If you want this guy to have any respect for you, and maintain some of your own self respect, cut your losses and walk away.
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