Author shadowplay Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Well, we can only judge you by what you present about yourself, Shadow. You come on here multiple times a week, with one assorted self-manifested drama or self-serving attention pity party after another. What do you expect people to conclude? Honestly? Don't mean for that to come off so harshly, but you are smart enough to realize that if you continue to post about the melodramas you create, and your inability to learn or grow from your mistakes, then how could you reasonably expect anyone to view you are anything other than "emotionally cracked"? If you want people to view you differently, then start showing LS that you are able to make smart decisions for yourself, and that you are not on here posting day in and day out with the same regurgitated stories over and over. It's far from true that I've made no progress since becoming a member of LS. My life has improved dramatically. Before I was out of school and practically homebound. Now I have two great internships, a night job, and I will be returning to school in the Fall. I'm also seeing a therapist, largely because of all the encouragement I received on here to do so. People who act like I'm a total mess seem to disregard all that. I may have a lot to improve, but I'm not the trainwreck some make me out to be. There are many members who start threads as frequently as I do, often rehashing familiar problems. I have every right to come on here whenever I feel like and vent my frustrations, but I come here for advice not to be judged or served snide remarks. I'm not asking to be coddled, and I'm open to all advice as long as it is constructive. Some bitter members seem to get off on criticizing posters in a nasty, non-constructive way. I see that as more of a power trip than an altruistic gesture. This is an advice forum, not a free for all.
Jilly Bean Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It's far from true that I've made no progress since becoming a member of LS. My life has improved dramatically. Before I was out of school and practically homebound. Now I have two great internships, a night job, and I will be returning to school in the Fall. I'm also seeing a therapist, largely because of all the encouragement I received on here to do so. People who act like I'm a total mess seem to disregard all that. I may have a lot to improve, but I'm not the trainwreck some make me out to be. There are many members who start threads as frequently as I do, often rehashing familiar problems. I have every right to come on here whenever I feel like and vent my frustrations, but I come here for advice not to be judged or called names. I'm not asking to be coddled and I'm open to all advice as long as it is constructive. Yes, but while it is great that you have righted certain situational aspects of your life, personally speaking, I find you to be a "girl who cried wolf" with your postings. When I first arrived at LS, it was during some angst with your (recent) ex, and I felt for you. But then I quickly caught on that it was the same thing, over and over again, Shadow. It's the same drama topics, perhaps slightly altered, but in essence, it's always the same basic tenet. And I think that is why many on here have lost interest, or are frustrated with how you live your life. It's like, why bother to respond when it's to no avail anyhow? Yes, others do post their issues, me included. But I don't think it's at quite the same repetitive rate as you do. I am sure even you would grow weary of reading the same story again and again, yes? So, that's all I'm saying, Shadow, in response to you wondering why people call you a train wreck. Perhaps if we see you making smart emotional choices for your life, when we see you not posting on every single thought that floats through your transom that you fixate on that is, honestly, often pure minutae and tedium, then I think you'd start to gain some credibility and garner more concerned and patient advice. I truly wish you nothing but peace, Shadow...
my body is a cage Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Guys just don't ask girls to hang out for platonic reasons. They don't? Since when??
my body is a cage Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 And also, I think you should just hang out with him and not worry about what he wants from you. I don't really understand why it would be such a big deal if he only liked you platonically... are you going to put moves on him, or are you just gonna be devastated if he doesnt do anything? Just because people don't make a move doesnt mean their interest is only platonic. And even if it does, is it so bad that someone likes you platonically? Havent you been complaining about a lack of platonic friends in other threads? I don't think you seemed that emotionally cracked, for the record. Obviously you have a lot of relationship drama, but isnt that why all of us are here? To sort out our relationship drama with anonymous support? I think it would be silly to judge people based on what they post on a website like this. Obvioiusly, this is not the whole person. I also think its silly to worry about how one is perceived on a website like this. While I appreciate all of your help, I'm not worried about what you think of me, because it affects my real tangible life in NO way whatsoever! But anyway, what I'm trying to say is you should just relax. Try hanging out with him without expectations- it might even take a little pressure off of you. Maybe try telling him you like him if you hang out a few times and he doesnt make a move. It seems like youre putting this guy on a pedastool and putting way too much weight on your upcoming encounter! Best case scenario - he likes you romanitcally too. Worst case scenario - you have a new platonic friend. Its a win, win situation, unless you create drama where there is none, which it seems like youre on the verge of doing.
Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It's far from true that I've made no progress since becoming a member of LS. My life has improved dramatically. Before I was out of school and practically homebound. Now I have two great internships, a night job, and I will be returning to school in the Fall. I'm also seeing a therapist, largely because of all the encouragement I received on here to do so. I do believe Jilly was referencing progress in relationships, to which you must admit you have not made great strides.
Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Yes, but while it is great that you have righted certain situational aspects of your life, personally speaking, I find you to be a "girl who cried wolf" with your postings. When I first arrived at LS, it was during some angst with your (recent) ex, and I felt for you. But then I quickly caught on that it was the same thing, over and over again, Shadow. It's the same drama topics, perhaps slightly altered, but in essence, it's always the same basic tenet. And I think that is why many on here have lost interest, or are frustrated with how you live your life. It's like, why bother to respond when it's to no avail anyhow? Yes, others do post their issues, me included. But I don't think it's at quite the same repetitive rate as you do. I am sure even you would grow weary of reading the same story again and again, yes? So, that's all I'm saying, Shadow, in response to you wondering why people call you a train wreck. Perhaps if we see you making smart emotional choices for your life, when we see you not posting on every single thought that floats through your transom that you fixate on that is, honestly, often pure minutae and tedium, then I think you'd start to gain some credibility and garner more concerned and patient advice. I truly wish you nothing but peace, Shadow... Again... very well said, JB.
OpenBook Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Here's the message I would send. Hey, J. This is a bit awkward, but I'm unsure about hanging out with you. Here's why. How should I put this. I had a mini-crush on you when we were at the ---- together. I remember thinking you were very smart and refreshingly unapathetic. I worry that if we hang out together platonically it will stir up my attraction and leave me feeling frustrated. I'm not sure how to end it, but that's the basic gist. I'm hoping I can gage from his response whether the feeling is at all mutual, and if it's not at least I'll be sparing myself some pain. I'm so glad you didn't send this message!! I don't think you realize it, shadow, but this kind of tactic comes across as inconsiderate, rude and presumptuous. It's socially impolite; it sends the message that you're blind and deaf to the comfort and happiness of others... that you don't respect their personal emotional boundaries. And I REALLY DON'T believe that's where you're coming from at all!! I think you have a great capacity for kindness and sensitivity. You just don't fully realize how your own insecurities can trip you up with other people... how you come across to them. You've GOT to consider the other person before you start wailing on them with your doubts and confusion!! It's not all about you and your emotions. In this example, you're laying too much on this guy, right off the bat. You're trying to force him to express his feelings for you. Never a good move, on ANYONE, romantic or not. But I don't think you're a train-wreck at all. Especially after I read this: Now I'm obsessing, but do you guys think this message I sent him back when he asked to hang out sounded too desperate or eager? I lament that superfluous exclamation point. me: hey, I am. Yeah, definitely! I'm in NY at the moment but I'll be back next Thursday. Let's hang out in Davis. How do you like the city? His response: ah, and I'm going to NY for next weekend - but after that, definitely. liking it here a bunch - good to be back in a city. safe travels, and look forward to hanging out soon(ish) me: cool, let me know when you're back in town. After reading the responses to my last message I'm wondering if my insecurity self detector is way off, because I actually didn't think I was coming off that way. I think you did GREAT with this!! Your response was appropriate to the situation. You were nice, polite, and didn't try to force anything or assume anything. Smart move!
Kamille Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 This is the weirdest thing I've ever had to say but: I want to congratulate you on having the strength to end it with your ex. I would also like to point out to the board that all the drama they are referring too was linked to that relationship and that in ending it, you are helping yourself forward. As for the crush from the past, some great points have been made. I understand about being nervous. I'm always nervous before a first meeting with a guy I have a crush on - I think what's happening is that the natural anxiety linked to new potential is making you do what you do best: over-analyze your feelings, and, instead of accepting you are understandably nervous, you are reading too much to into it, and trying to find ways to control those emotions, as Cherry Blossom pointed out. But there is an easy solution. Before the meeting/date, go exercise. It will help you relax and boost your energy level. It will also give you a sense of control over your emotions. Hmmm, which makes me thinks: You can't control situations, but you can learn to control your emotions.
Author shadowplay Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 feeling depressed. Well the weekend came and went so he is presumably back in town. He said he'd be gone over the holiday weekend and implied we would meet up when he was back. My last response to him was "cool, let me know when you're back in town." It's Thursday morning and I haven't heard from him. I know he's around because my friend saw him (remember they're working in the same place). WTF...why did he bother emailing me and then not follow through? Now I'm obsessing that my messages to him sounded too eager. Or he was put off by the fact that I couldn't see him immediately because I was in NY for a week. ( Dammit...this kind of thing always happens to me. I always have to be the initiator, I hate it. And I always try hard to sound casual but end up coming off as desperate. WTF is wrong with me. Why did I have to screw this up. I feel like the fates were just dangling a carrot in my face. I would have been better off if he had never emailed me at all. My friend thinks I should contact him and ask if he's back in town. I disagree -- the ball is in his court. My friend told me not to play games. I think it would sound desperate, but then again if I don't contact him -- who knows, I might lose my chance to ever see him again. Read the correspondence at the bottom of page three if you're curious about where we left things off.
Nevermind Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Give it time. You cannot go on like before and you cannot just switch to friend mode. Ignore it for a while, and if you still care in a couple of months, try again.
Author shadowplay Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Do you guys think I should email him? I mean he's been back in town for four days, and he's leaving at the end of the summer. It just really pisses me off that he asked me to hang out and then disappeared. Why? Makes no sense. I see his periodical random facebook updates so I know he's not especially busy.
2sunny Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 no - don't try to reach him... he will try to reach you when he has time to think about you. he may very well be busy since he got back into town. after he has time to consider having fun - that's when you want to hear from him anyway.
Author shadowplay Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Okay, well I did something perhaps stupid and impulsive and messaged him a few hours ago with "If you're in town, this weekend is good for me." I got a message from him a few minutes later that read: superb! let's get a beer, then - gimmie a call, 555-555-5555 and/or send me yr. # and I'll do likewise. So I guess it's not too bad. Do you guys think I should call him or give him my number? Also would it seem to date-like to schedule something for Saturday night? What kind of bar should we go to or what? I have no freakin' clue. Or maybe I should do Sunday night? Then I'll have more time to get ready. Help!
gummybear Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Was this the first time he's broken up with you? Or has he done it before? I have this gut feeling that you two might end up back together, which will make you feel good for a little bit, but it sounds bad for the long term.
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Was this the first time he's broken up with you? Or has he done it before? I have this gut feeling that you two might end up back together, which will make you feel good for a little bit, but it sounds bad for the long term. No, this is a different guy. We've never been together lol.
gummybear Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 No, this is a different guy. We've never been together lol. haha oh I must be mixing the threads. So wait, what happened to your ex bf? Hopefully you're still not seeing him. And I guess the above questions applied to your ex. Though seeing this guy who's moving away soon is not a good idea either. It will be a temporarory distraction/rebound, but it usually will only cause more pain....
Prodigal Princess Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Do you guys think I should call him or give him my number? Also would it seem to date-like to schedule something for Saturday night? What kind of bar should we go to or what? I have no freakin' clue. Or maybe I should do Sunday night? Then I'll have more time to get ready. I would send him your number, with a short message like, "Hey, here is my number, speak soon". You made the first move (good girl!), so he should now be taking the initiative. As for when and where to go, well I hope he doesn't leave that entirely up to you. If the guy has a clue, he will call you with a time and place in mind, or at least throw out some options. If not, be ready with some suggestions of your own that suit you. If it is up to you, I think aim for Sunday (less pressure), and go to a chilled out bar, perhaps somewhere with an outdoor beer garden or something? We have a lot of pubs here that do Sunday bbqs which is ideal for catching up with mates, but I dont know what options you have where you are. They key is to think casual - "grab a beer" means just that!
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 I would send him your number, with a short message like, "Hey, here is my number, speak soon". You made the first move (good girl!), so he should now be taking the initiative. As for when and where to go, well I hope he doesn't leave that entirely up to you. If the guy has a clue, he will call you with a time and place in mind, or at least throw out some options. If not, be ready with some suggestions of your own that suit you. If it is up to you, I think aim for Sunday (less pressure), and go to a chilled out bar, perhaps somewhere with an outdoor beer garden or something? We have a lot of pubs here that do Sunday bbqs which is ideal for catching up with mates, but I dont know what options you have where you are. They key is to think casual - "grab a beer" means just that! Thanks for the suggestions! I think I will try to arrange it for Sunday night. I also know of a beer garden type place. Here's my only question. I sort of want to send him the message that I'd be up for a casual hook up at some point this summer (since he's moving away I'm sure he won't want anything more, but I would be satisfied with just that). How do I subtly send him that message without seeming easy or desperate? If he doesn't know I'm interested in that he probably won't pursue things further, but if he does I think there's a good chance he will. If I make the meeting too casual he might assume I'm not at all interested in that.
gummybear Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I sort of want to send him the message that I'd be up for a casual hook up at some point this summer (since he's moving away I'm sure he won't want anything more, but I would be satisfied with just that). How do I subtly send him that message without seeming easy or desperate? Wanting a causual hookup IS by definition easy/desperate no?
Prodigal Princess Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I sort of want to send him the message that I'd be up for a casual hook up at some point this summer (since he's moving away I'm sure he won't want anything more, but I would be satisfied with just that). How do I subtly send him that message without seeming easy or desperate? If he doesn't know I'm interested in that he probably won't pursue things further, but if he does I think there's a good chance he will. If I make the meeting too casual he might assume I'm not at all interested in that. This is an easy one, shadow - just flirt your little patoottie off! Wear something casual but sexy (tight jeans are always a winner and you can definitely pull them off), drink up, smile a lot (it will calm you down) and the rest should follow naturally. You don't need to be overt; if you two have chemistry then he will feel it too. Some subtle flirting like touching your neck, touching his arm while laughing and crossing your legs and leaning towards him should do the trick. One thing I must mention - I don't believe that you will be "satisfied" with just a casual hook up with this guy. If he's as awesome as you've built him up to be, there will be tears if you invest emotionally and then he leaves. But...it would be good for you to have more life experience like this so I still say go for it. The heartache's usually worth it in the end, anyway.
Prodigal Princess Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Wanting a causual hookup IS by definition easy/desperate no? Maybe in the 1950s.
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Thanks, PP! You always give the best advice.
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Oh, I need some drinking advice. I want to drink enough to feel confident, at ease and buzzed but not enough to be completely drunk so I end up looking like a fool. How many shots of vodka do you think it would take to achieve this effect? I rarely drink and weigh about 115 pounds if that helps.
carhill Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 One good martini should do it, especially if you haven't eaten. Although a bit girlie, I love sour apple martinis
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