Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 [quote=Ocean-Blue;1720335) As for the crush... Whatever you do, don't put him on a pedestal. Go see him if you're "unattached" and let it flow. Don't idolize him and get all "omg, he's so great." This is good. Also, when you find yourself thinking thoughts about him like wow, he is so hot, so cool, so great, think the EXACT SAME THINGS about yourself. Challenge your self perception. You need to go into this with really healthy, positive, confident thoughts. Otherwise you will be googoogaga.
Author shadowplay Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Aren't you still dating that other guy who you broke up with seven times already or whatever? It's one of those weird situations where it's not even clear whether we're together or not because we've broken up and gotten back together so many times. I spoke to him briefly over the phone today and he didn't mention anything about hanging out tonight, so I guess we're not. To be honest I'm kind of hoping for a "fade away" rather than a discrete and sudden end. I think that would be easier on both of us. Why do I suddenly feel really sad and empty?
AriaIncognito Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I mean no disrespect by this Shadow, but seriously, why the hopping from one right to the next? You aren't even broken up officially and you're talking about how green the grass is over in this other guys yard. Then 2 weeks from now, you'll be posting about how you miss your ex and the grass wasn't greener. I don't know, i just see so many reasons why you should stop focusing on men altogether for a bit of time and focus on you and why you need a man around so desperately as to have such violent mood swings regarding them. Again, I mean no disrespect, this was just my 2 cents. Feel free to give me the change.
AriaIncognito Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Case in point, this thread is a few hours old and you've basically gone from elation to being sad (as of 5:07). This isn't normal, you know that right?
Author shadowplay Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 I think I'm saddened by the fact that my feelings are so transient. What felt like love could turn cold overnight. What's wrong with me?
carhill Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Shadow, next time one of these events happens, keep it all inside you. Do not solicit outside feedback nor share your joy/sorrow. Journal the flow of your feelings, privately. Be honest with yourself. I have a suspicion you are susceptible to projecting the feelings and viewpoints of others upon your psyche. If I'm right, the posters who suggested alone time could be on to something. Such private time allows for reflection, introspection and strengthening of self. Wish I could wave a magic wand, but there ya go
Author shadowplay Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 My boyfriend and I are broken up. I don't want to really talk about that now because I'm worried it will stir up feelings and I'm trying to hold it together. But I do want to hang out with this guy, and here's why. If he was anybody else I would agree with everyone that it's better to wait and not date for awhile. However, he's not just any guy...I had a HUGE crush on him for years, and I would kick myself if I didn't give it a chance. Honestly, put yourself in my shoes and tell me you wouldn't. Because I know this opportunity, even if it amounts to nothing, isn't coming ever again. I actually thought I would never lay eyes on him again because we used to live in different parts of the country. It's quite a remarkable coincidence that he's moved into my backyard for the summer. And I'm not hoping or expecting some great affair. As I said I would be content with merely a kiss. I know because he's moving at the end of the summer it probably couldn't amount to any more. However, I'm scared. If it turned out that he was merely interested in me platonically I would be really hurt. So, to protect myself from that outcome I'm considering writing him a short message to gage his interest. We've already agreed to hang out for drinks some time next week. Here's the message I would send. Hey, J. This is a bit awkward, but I'm unsure about hanging out with you. Here's why. How should I put this. I had a mini-crush on you when we were at the ---- together. I remember thinking you were very smart and refreshingly unapathetic. I worry that if we hang out together platonically it will stir up my attraction and leave me feeling frustrated. I'm not sure how to end it, but that's the basic gist. I'm hoping I can gage from his response whether the feeling is at all mutual, and if it's not at least I'll be sparing myself some pain. What do you think? Should I send it?
Lizzie60 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Here's the message I would send. Hey, J. This is a bit awkward, but I'm unsure about hanging out with you. Here's why. How should I put this. I had a mini-crush on you when we were at the ---- together. I remember thinking you were very smart and refreshingly unapathetic. I worry that if we hang out together platonically it will stir up my attraction and leave me feeling frustrated. I'm not sure how to end it, but that's the basic gist. I'm hoping I can gage from his response whether the feeling is at all mutual, and if it's not at least I'll be sparing myself some pain. What do you think? Should I send it? I wouldn't send it.. it looks a little 'pathetic'... honestly... PLUS you can't trust his answer.. he might still give you false hope... or you might interpret the message the way YOU want it... Just go with the flow.. you'll know when you meet him face to face.. Just protect yourself.. go .... S L O W
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 DO NOT SEND THAT MESSAGE Don't. Just don't. It makes you look weak and somewhat pathetic. You need to go into this with stong, confident feelings. I'm hot, I'm a blast to be around, I'm interesting, and OF COURSE this guy would want to get to know me. Get rid of any expectations. Don't worry about whether he will like you or not, what he wants, blahblahblah. Just go in with the attitude that this is a fun coincedence, you both being in the city at the same time. This may be the time to challenge yourself. Challenge yourself to think positive thoughts about who you are, and why people should know you.
daphne Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I'll be the fourth one to say PLEASE DON'T SEND IT. It sounds extremely needy and unconfident. I am wondering if you should meet up with this guy because your emotions seem out of control. I've had crushes before, and I learned that putting someone on a pedestal is a sure fire way to not ever get them. I'm turned off by someone who's needy as well, and you put off that vibe when you have a crush. He's just a guy. You only know the superficial things about him, so you don't really know him. I totally agree with others. If you meet him, your'e going to have to build your confidence up or it's not going to go very well. The guys that were most attracted to me were attracted to my slight aloofness and ability to live with or without them. At least for initial attraction stages. Breathe deeply. This doesn't have to be that dramatic.
torranceshipman Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I'll be the fifth! Don't send! Just chill, go meet the guy for coffee, see what happens...
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I'm going to add that sending that message is a form of control. You are trying to control the outcome, control your feelings, control, control, control. Stop trying to control. Life is much more fun when you sit back and see where it leads you. What if he IS thinking platonic thoughts....then goes for coffee with you...and starts thinking, hey, now that we don't work together, I'm actually thinking I could date this girl? See what I mean?
Author shadowplay Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Thanks, guys. I think I needed that slap in the face. Don't worry, I won't send it now. I have to admit it made me cringe a bit reading your responses, because if you thought that sounded needy and insecure you should have heard some of the conversations I had with my now ex-bf. Seriously.
Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 And I'm not hoping or expecting some great affair. As I said I would be content with merely a kiss. I know because he's moving at the end of the summer it probably couldn't amount to any more. Shadow, do you think you seek out relationships with unavailable men?
BlueEyedGirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I'm about 99% sure that this guy wants you. Guys just don't ask girls to hang out for platonic reasons. Just go with it, but yeah that message did sound insecure.
Author shadowplay Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Shadow, do you think you seek out relationships with unavailable men? Sometimes, yes.
Author shadowplay Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Now I'm obsessing, but do you guys think this message I sent him back when he asked to hang out sounded too desperate or eager? I lament that superfluous exclamation point. me: hey, I am. Yeah, definitely! I'm in NY at the moment but I'll be back next Thursday. Let's hang out in Davis. How do you like the city? His response: ah, and I'm going to NY for next weekend - but after that, definitely. liking it here a bunch - good to be back in a city. safe travels, and look forward to hanging out soon(ish) me: cool, let me know when you're back in town. After reading the responses to my last message I'm wondering if my insecurity self detector is way off, because I actually didn't think I was coming off that way.
endlesstrains Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I agree with those who say you need to take time off for yourself, and I think you need to take time off the internet too! I understand how it is to feel insecure but sometimes you just have to trust your own judgement and not seek acceptance and advice on every single move you make (whether forwards or backwards) in your life. Honestly, from reading all/most of your threads, what I see is an emotional trainwreck. I'm not trying to be mean, but you really need to sort yourself out before you get any more men involved in your life. Take a step back and look at the amount of Major Drama that has come up in the past few months for you... hell, you could easily construct an after-school special out of your threads alone. If I remember right you already have a therapist. I would try to discuss with him/her about these issues, and why you feel the need to sabotage your own life and create drama.
Author shadowplay Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 I agree with those who say you need to take time off for yourself, and I think you need to take time off the internet too! I understand how it is to feel insecure but sometimes you just have to trust your own judgement and not seek acceptance and advice on every single move you make (whether forwards or backwards) in your life. Honestly, from reading all/most of your threads, what I see is an emotional trainwreck. I'm not trying to be mean, but you really need to sort yourself out before you get any more men involved in your life. Take a step back and look at the amount of Major Drama that has come up in the past few months for you... hell, you could easily construct an after-school special out of your threads alone. If I remember right you already have a therapist. I would try to discuss with him/her about these issues, and why you feel the need to sabotage your own life and create drama. I agree overall, but I'm still going to meet up with this guy. I've explained above why. And yes -- I'm addicted to the computer. One more thing. When you guys call me things like an "emotional trainwreck" it kind of chips at my confidence. I know it's honest, but I don't think it's productive to think of myself that way. I don't want to tag myself as a depressed, emotionally cracked person because when I start to think of myself like that I will just fit into that behavior. I know I have problems, and I'm getting help for them, but I'm a lot more than just a bundle of problems. Unfortunately on LS you only see the problems (because that's where I dump them) and not the other qualities that make me a complete person.
Ssheena Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Hi Shadow, No, I don't think the earlier message you sent to him came across anyway but like you were looking forward to seeing him again. The ! ? No biggie. Think about it.. if a girlfriend that you hadn't seen in awhile wrote and wanted to meet for coffee or whatever, you probably would have written the same email. There is absolutely nothing that could be read into your short little text/his reply. Go and meet up with him and renew your friendship with him and see where it goes. I am the queen of obsession and it's so easy to say, stop, stop, stop but so hard to shut my brain off once it gets going. I have no tips on that for you. I think the advice you get here is spot on and that you would benefit from really getting to know yourself and learn to accept yourself for just the way you are is great but that is a lifetime goal..work in progress that never ever ends. Let us know how the meet up goes! And stay away from the x-boyfriend.
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Shadow...do this...disconnect your computer's access to the internet and then tell me you're addicted to your computer My bet is you're addicted to the information and connection with new ideas and people that the internet provides. The hard part, for me anyway, is balancing that desire with the realities and limitations of everyday life, which is not nearly so exciting and fresh. Enjoy your meeting
Author shadowplay Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Hi Shadow, No, I don't think the earlier message you sent to him came across anyway but like you were looking forward to seeing him again. The ! ? No biggie. Think about it.. if a girlfriend that you hadn't seen in awhile wrote and wanted to meet for coffee or whatever, you probably would have written the same email. There is absolutely nothing that could be read into your short little text/his reply. Go and meet up with him and renew your friendship with him and see where it goes. I am the queen of obsession and it's so easy to say, stop, stop, stop but so hard to shut my brain off once it gets going. I have no tips on that for you. I think the advice you get here is spot on and that you would benefit from really getting to know yourself and learn to accept yourself for just the way you are is great but that is a lifetime goal..work in progress that never ever ends. Let us know how the meet up goes! And stay away from the x-boyfriend. That's a cool way of thinking of it. I like the idea of conceiving of it as a work in progress, not something with an absolute deadline.
Jilly Bean Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 One more thing. When you guys call me things like an "emotional trainwreck" it kind of chips at my confidence. I know it's honest, but I don't think it's productive to think of myself that way. I don't want to tag myself as a depressed, emotionally cracked person because when I start to think of myself like that I will just fit into that behavior. I know I have problems, and I'm getting help for them, but I'm a lot more than just a bundle of problems. Unfortunately on LS you only see the problems (because that's where I dump them) and not the other qualities that make me a complete person. Well, we can only judge you by what you present about yourself, Shadow. You come on here multiple times a week, with one assorted self-manifested drama or self-serving attention pity party after another. What do you expect people to conclude? Honestly? Don't mean for that to come off so harshly, but you are smart enough to realize that if you continue to post about the melodramas you create, and your inability to learn or grow from your mistakes, then how could you reasonably expect anyone to view you are anything other than "emotionally cracked"? If you want people to view you differently, then start showing LS that you are able to make smart decisions for yourself, and that you are not on here posting day in and day out with the same regurgitated stories over and over.
ahah2322 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Well, we can only judge you by what you present about yourself, Shadow. You come on here multiple times a week, with one assorted self-manifested drama or self-serving attention pity party after another. What do you expect people to conclude? Honestly? Don't mean for that to come off so harshly, but you are smart enough to realize that if you continue to post about the melodramas you create, and your inability to learn or grow from your mistakes, then how could you reasonably expect anyone to view you are anything other than "emotionally cracked"? If you want people to view you differently, then start showing LS that you are able to make smart decisions for yourself, and that you are not on here posting day in and day out with the same regurgitated stories over and over. Word. Have fun with your friend but try not to rush into anything.
Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Well, we can only judge you by what you present about yourself, Shadow. Yup. You can't help the way you are perceived, but you CAN control the way you are presented. You come on here multiple times a week, with one assorted self-manifested drama or self-serving attention pity party after another. What do you expect people to conclude? Honestly? Don't mean for that to come off so harshly, but you are smart enough to realize that if you continue to post about the melodramas you create, and your inability to learn or grow from your mistakes, then how could you reasonably expect anyone to view you are anything other than "emotionally cracked"? Spot on, JB.
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