Am I asking tooo much?

[Neketah]

I'm afraid my husband is losing intrest in me. Let me start at the beginning. In 2006 I really sick, I was on my death bed..They were preparing me for my funeral..God gave me a miracle..I woke up out of a coma 38 days later. I was handicapped. the only thing I could use was my hands and arms. My husband stood by me all the way. Now it's 2008 I'm able to walk and talk again. but the surgery left me with an ileostomy. Now I don't feel sexy nor attractive. My husband don't do anything to make me feel that way either. It's been months since we had sex. My stomach is still sore and my ostomy bag is in the way. Yes I had a severe surgery. I just want him to hold me and tell me he loves me.. the only time I hear "I Love You" is when he leaves out to go to work. and it sounds routine. The last time I kised him was Feb.15. because when I did he was sooo cold and didn't responed. So I figure why should I keep trying. The other day he told me he'll take sex any way I give it to him.. I told him, I wanted it to be special. not gust bam bam bam. I can tell he was upset with me. Why are some me are so cold? I thought my Illness would bring us closer.. I was in the hospital 4 months. I couldn't wait to get home to him. All I want is love and attention.. maybe things will heat up if he tried. Am I asking too much?

[quankanne]

my guess is that he's just as starved for affection as you are, but doesn't quite know how to approach you, in light of all your medical history. He could be worried that any little thing he does could hurt you or give you a medical set-back, is my guess.

 

look, best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to begin honestly communicating with him. Tell him your concerns and your desires, and learn his, too. If you're freaked out by your ostomy & bag, he's going to take his cue from you and be freaked out, too. I'm sure if you figure out how to creatively have sex with your medical challenges, and you are okay with trying to have sex, he'll follow your lead.

 

don't continue to make yourself miserable by second guessing what he's thinking or feeling, but approach him and find out what you need to know, straight from the horses mouth. It's going to be awkward, starting a new level of intimacy, but you won't regret having done so ...

[Mr. Lucky]

The other day he told me he'll take sex any way I give it to him.. I told him, I wanted it to be special. not gust bam bam bam. I can tell he was upset with me. Why are some me are so cold?

I think in some way it's like the old rodeo adage - you've got to get right back up on the horse. Were it me, I'd want to have as much sex of any kind just to get back up to speed. Your expectations of a "special" occasion may not initially be realistic. Besides, you said he stood by you for months while you were sick, so why not stand by him sexually now? Maybe it's time to put your feelings aside and make this about him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[inloveandhurt]

Hmm...a difficult situation. But I don't think he is necessarily being cold; honestly if my husband had an ostomy bag, I might feel awkward approaching him. I would be afraid of an 'accident' and hurting him in his already fragile condition. And obviously a bag reminds us of certain functions too clearly; it might take a while to get mentally adjusted to that.

 

If he was feeling all these things, and then on top of it, you dismissed his efforts to have sex (even the bambam type), it makes sense that he was upset. Even if he wants to communicate, he probably feels too sorry for your condition to say anything. Anyway, it's a great miracle that you recovered, do not put all the pressure on him to be romantic, having an attitude towards him is just going to make him resentful. Remember he has been with u in this journey all along. This type of thinking ("maybe things will heat up if he tried") is not helpful...you need to try too. I'm sure there is a forum somewhere with other ostomates -perhaps they could add some advice as well.

[carhill]

Counseling should help you, both to become more comfortable with your appliance and disability as well as to foster communication between you and your H.

 

If he still has inhibitions about your appliance, he can try sexual positions where it isn't so noticeable to him and then graduate to more intimate positions as his comfort level grows.

 

You had a life-changing event and so did your H. It must be an amazing feeling to be alive, even with your challenges. I wish you all the best

[Neketah]

I just want to thank all of you for your comments...they were very helpful.

Am I being selfish because I want romance? ..we've been married for 18 yrs.

And I know he's not very romantic..but we do love each other. I want to communicate with him...but he seems fustrated when we talk. sometimes I

rather not say anything..I know thats wrong. But I don't know how to approach him. Don't get me wrong he's a good man anf father. Hard worker.

I try to e a good wife to him..I cook, clean, get his clothes together. try to make him laugh when he has a hard day at work. just when we need to talk about us, things change with him..he shuts down..so I back off. I love this man with all me soul. I just I knew how to approach when it comes to us.

[Keridan]

What you've been through is incredibly traumatic. 2 years may seem like a long time, but everything in your life and habbits was changed for you in the blink of an eye in 2006. He had actually probably started to accept that he might have to exist without you. I don't know him, but that would just kill me if it was my wife. She is everything to me.

 

I think maybe you should try and put the spark back into things slowly. You can be intimate without putting the pressure of sex on the table. Plan an evening with the kids gone, a nice dinner, and a funny movie to watch. Get back into cuddling and holding each other. Maybe try to remember a particularly romantic evening from before your illness and see if you can create a similar one to remind him it's still you.

 

On a completely separate occasion, maybe ask him to talk honestly about the new dynamics of having the bag. Does it bother him? Because it sure upsets you. Tell him it makes you feel vulnerable. You aren't looking for him to just get past it, you want him to tell you if it bothers him in any way similar. See if you can adjust to that change together instead of each hoping the other does well with it.

 

I don't think you are asking too much, but maybe too quickly or the wrong way. I can tell you love this man and he has stuck through some of the hardest times possible with you. You will be alright.

 

I wish I could be more help. Counseling is never a bad idea, btw, but it's not the only option. I wish you the best and I'm glad to hear you are healthier!

[Neketah]

Thanks for the advice.. I'll give it a try..At this point I'll try anything to put sparks back into my marriage. When we were together sexually it was like the 4th of July...LoL... Sparks every where. I'm sure if I follow you alll advice it will happen again.. I'll keep you all posted..aganin Thanks.

[Keridan]

Please do keep us posted You know ... not the details, but the gist of how it goes. Yours is actually a very romantic story and I'd like to hear that it went well. I'd like to know either way, but of course good news is best.

 

Good luck!