Groovy Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I 'm 36, my BF 38. We met 3 years ago, became friends and dated for 10 months. I found out he never wanted to get married again after his awful divorce so I said good bye. We remained friends. I dated other people. I bumped into his teenage son every week in the neighborhood. When I broke up with someone and he heard about it he swooped back in telling me he feels different about marraige, that people can change their mind. That he loved me and he never stopped...that he just got overwhelmed. According to his son his picture of me has been on his dresser for the past year long after. I didn't feel like being dissapointed again but decided he deserved another chance. I've been with him 2 months but all in all we have been friends for 3 years and dated for 12 months total. He spent the night ONE time that entire time. He goes to bed early and rises early, I do the opposite. That was one of his excuses. His dog whines all night and keeps him up- another excuse. He snores, blah blah blah... I'd like to believe he wants to move forward and when I mentioned to him we need to do that if we want a serious relationship with each other he replied he didn't see why it was so important to spend the night and gave me excuses. To me it says, "I really don't plan to marry you like I said. I am just selfish and telling you that. I'm the same person as 3 years ago". Do people decide not to settle down with each other because they have slightly different sleep hours or an annoying dog or one of them snores? He also has been sleeping very poorly and has had insomnia...according to him. And I think he will have insomnia forever so he can forever stay away from overnights, vacations and just date me. He has had a very stressful month as the doctors thought he might have MS (but found out he doesn't). When I told him I didn't think he wanted the things he told me (like marriage, settling down) he said " I don't know what to say". I told him I am not asking for things today, just asking if we truely both want them. That I have been down this road before and dissapointed so would like to be reassured. I do love him and honestly if he continues I will have to end it. I am not sure if he is just disabled with committment issues but believe he loves me. I have told him what I want and I am not sure what else to do. Part of me wonders if I can maybe make things easier for him- like spend the night at his place inviting myself, or that there might be other issues. And I also ask how long a person my age should wait to see change over due. When I tried to talk about it he acted like I was screaming at him, which after about 20 minutes of being blown off with "I don't know what to say" I probably was.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 One thing you don't need to do is to make things easier for him. If the man is not motivated to come sleep in your bed, and you actually have to find a way to MAKE IT EASIER for him to SLEEP with you, then I would say this person is not exactly looking for a deep relationship like you are. I know what you mean by the age thing. I'm 35. You feel pressure to make things work. It sucks.
Keridan Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I think you do have the right to expect that he follow up on what he says. However, I also have to mention that you have only been back together for 2 months and were apart for a year. The guy said he feels different about marriage and that he wants to be with you. That says you can expect he will at least be open to the idea of marriage to you or at the very least talking about it. I think you are completely validated to be upset about this. I just hope you don't give up on him too easily. It may take him a little longer to get comfortable with all that. Maybe wait and talk to him again soon when you feel is a good time. I would suggest making it more immediate and less overwhelming, however. Worry first about solving the problems with staying overnights together. Build up to him, guys can be skittish critters. I hope you are able to work things out and feel better!
Krytie TV Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 One thing you don't need to do is to make things easier for him. If the man is not motivated to come sleep in your bed, and you actually have to find a way to MAKE IT EASIER for him to SLEEP with you, then I would say this person is not exactly looking for a deep relationship like you are. I know what you mean by the age thing. I'm 35. You feel pressure to make things work. It sucks. Took the words from my mouth. Just pretend I said this too.
bones1 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I have dated women who insist on staying up late , and they insist on getting up late. I like to get up early, and feel 12 is a good time to go to bed. In a way, this does put me off. I personally view late sleepers as lazy. I feel my parents had a pretty good relationship. Even though my mother never worked while married, she was up at 5:30 everyday to have coffee with my father, talk, eat breakfast, etc. So, it is very annoying for me to date a woman who wakes up around 10, 11, 12, while i am up at 7. Already much of the day is gone for them, and on weekends, if I am free, they are sleeping all day. What kind of life is it to never go to bed the same time as your partner and make love before sleep? Never have sex in the morning. Never have coffee together? When I am ready for lunch, she would just be pulling herself out of bed. Why must you sleep so late?
AriaIncognito Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I have dated women who insist on staying up late , and they insist on getting up late. I like to get up early, and feel 12 is a good time to go to bed. In a way, this does put me off. I personally view late sleepers as lazy. I feel my parents had a pretty good relationship. Even though my mother never worked while married, she was up at 5:30 everyday to have coffee with my father, talk, eat breakfast, etc. So, it is very annoying for me to date a woman who wakes up around 10, 11, 12, while i am up at 7. Already much of the day is gone for them, and on weekends, if I am free, they are sleeping all day. What kind of life is it to never go to bed the same time as your partner and make love before sleep? Never have sex in the morning. Never have coffee together? When I am ready for lunch, she would just be pulling herself out of bed. Why must you sleep so late? Just to reply to this, I dont think you should lump late sleepers into "lazy". Humans have natural rhythms that their body follow, some aren't in tune with our own. So, while you are a morning person, someone else might be a night person and wont understand how you get up so early. Etc. I don't think being lazy is really the reason. Now, if they were going to bed at 12 and getting up at 12, that might be lazy. If you're going to bed at 3am and getting up at 11am I'd think that to be "normal" for that persons cycle. Make sense? As far as the OP and the topic at hand, I'd say give it a little more time. I've not stayed with my current bf yet and it's been a few months longer than you. I think that's something you dont really want to rush, esp if either of you is having issues with sleeping. It's very disheartening/discouraging to someone with sleep issues/anxiety/whatever to feel like they are forced to sleep with someone and potentially not get any sleep.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 One thing you don't need to do is to make things easier for him. If the man is not motivated to come sleep in your bed, and you actually have to find a way to MAKE IT EASIER for him to SLEEP with you, then I would say this person is not exactly looking for a deep relationship like you are. Agreed. If it were me, I would let him know this is something I need. If he were unwilling to meet the need, I'd move on.
Potatocakes Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 It is believeable to me because I am a VERY light sleeper so I never stayed with my ex much. I loved waking him up and making him breakfast and such but was so tired because everytime he moved plus I just wasnt use to his bed/pillow. I know it's not the same reasons he wont stay the night but he might not be making up excuses.
johan Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 ...I've been with him 2 months but all in all we have been friends for 3 years and dated for 12 months total. He spent the night ONE time that entire time. He goes to bed early and rises early, I do the opposite. That was one of his excuses. His dog whines all night and keeps him up- another excuse. He snores, blah blah blah... This is what is called being held at arm's length. What is missing is intimacy and trust. And the excuses just make it so that you can't question the heart of the issue. I've been in your shoes. In another 12 months, it won't have changed. The reason is because if he wanted it, he'd be doing it. If he doesn't want it now, then what is going to change in the near or far future that will change that for him? Particularly if you accept the excuses and allow the pattern to be established. What threshold do you expect to cross when suddenly the excuses won't suffice anymore? I'll answer that for you: when you get serious about him. To me it sounds like you're there.
InLimbo2 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 It can work - it just depends on how much you want it to and how flexible you are. My SO usually gets up at 4:00 for work, and is in bed by 8:30pm. I am a night owl - right now it's almost 1am - and I will probably wake around 10am. We've been together over 2 years now - and we are flexible with one another. We see each other probably 3 weekends a month, we travel together frequently. Sometimes I have to get up early to make plans with him, some times he has to stay up late to spend the evening with me. We manage to snuggle, cuddle, and make love plenty - afternoon, at night before sleep, in the morning. We also have all meals together when we are together. He gives some, I give some. I have dated women who insist on staying up late , and they insist on getting up late. I like to get up early, and feel 12 is a good time to go to bed. In a way, this does put me off. I personally view late sleepers as lazy. I feel my parents had a pretty good relationship. Even though my mother never worked while married, she was up at 5:30 everyday to have coffee with my father, talk, eat breakfast, etc. So, it is very annoying for me to date a woman who wakes up around 10, 11, 12, while i am up at 7. Already much of the day is gone for them, and on weekends, if I am free, they are sleeping all day. What kind of life is it to never go to bed the same time as your partner and make love before sleep? Never have sex in the morning. Never have coffee together? When I am ready for lunch, she would just be pulling herself out of bed. Why must you sleep so late?
InLimbo2 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 My SO and I had a hard time adjusting to sleeping together - the sleeping part lol. I snore (so he says), he snores sometimes, he's a bad bad sleeper, and he uses a CPAP machine. Early on he didn't bring CPAP with him - I had to push to get him to bring it - we BOTH sleep better when he does. The only thing that cured it was actually sleeping together and learning to adjust. Sometimes when we are on a motorcycle touring trip I'll book us hotel rooms with 2 double beds - we get our intimacy - but sleep in separate beds so we both get our rest. No or bad sleep on a fully loaded motorcycle with a passenger is a recipe for disaster. I 'm 36, my BF 38. We met 3 years ago, became friends and dated for 10 months. I found out he never wanted to get married again after his awful divorce so I said good bye. We remained friends. I dated other people. I bumped into his teenage son every week in the neighborhood. When I broke up with someone and he heard about it he swooped back in telling me he feels different about marraige, that people can change their mind. That he loved me and he never stopped...that he just got overwhelmed. According to his son his picture of me has been on his dresser for the past year long after. I didn't feel like being dissapointed again but decided he deserved another chance. I've been with him 2 months but all in all we have been friends for 3 years and dated for 12 months total. He spent the night ONE time that entire time. He goes to bed early and rises early, I do the opposite. That was one of his excuses. His dog whines all night and keeps him up- another excuse. He snores, blah blah blah... I'd like to believe he wants to move forward and when I mentioned to him we need to do that if we want a serious relationship with each other he replied he didn't see why it was so important to spend the night and gave me excuses. To me it says, "I really don't plan to marry you like I said. I am just selfish and telling you that. I'm the same person as 3 years ago". Do people decide not to settle down with each other because they have slightly different sleep hours or an annoying dog or one of them snores? He also has been sleeping very poorly and has had insomnia...according to him. And I think he will have insomnia forever so he can forever stay away from overnights, vacations and just date me. He has had a very stressful month as the doctors thought he might have MS (but found out he doesn't). When I told him I didn't think he wanted the things he told me (like marriage, settling down) he said " I don't know what to say". I told him I am not asking for things today, just asking if we truely both want them. That I have been down this road before and dissapointed so would like to be reassured. I do love him and honestly if he continues I will have to end it. I am not sure if he is just disabled with committment issues but believe he loves me. I have told him what I want and I am not sure what else to do. Part of me wonders if I can maybe make things easier for him- like spend the night at his place inviting myself, or that there might be other issues. And I also ask how long a person my age should wait to see change over due. When I tried to talk about it he acted like I was screaming at him, which after about 20 minutes of being blown off with "I don't know what to say" I probably was.
Author Groovy Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 Sorry for the late reply but thanks guys. There are reasons he avoided it. Our sleep hours are very different indeed and his dog is so jealous we hardly get any shut eye as it whines when we are in bed together. But we are working it out, training the dog and it means a lot to me he is trying even if we lose sleep in the begining over and over. He said he understands why I want it. So we can move things forward. Even with the snoring in my ear and the whiney jealous dobie I still love cuddling with him at night:)
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