One sided relationships. Will they change for the right person?

[bones1]

How many have felt you were in a one sided relationship? Has the person ever changed? Was it really one sided, or was that just your perception?

 

Let me tell my story, briefly..

 

I am 32, and so is my girlfriend. I met her on vacation while i was in Brazil. We had a lot of fun, we went out nightly, traveled etc. So, she then came to stay with me for 2 months in the states, where life is more normal. Work, etc.

 

Her situation is, that her father is wealthy, bought her a home, a car, and she has lived alone since 18. She has a maid as well. She never had a job. He gives her a monthly allowance for food, bills etc. This checks out, and is true.

 

She told me that she has been depressed, as she is under control from her father. Seemingly he does not want her to work, and they go out together, on vacations etc, but she lives alone, no job, no reason to wake up, is lonely, none of her own money etc. The jobs she could get pay very very low, and not worth working.

 

So, she wanted to come work for me, date me, be with me etc. A way to change her life, have a reason to wake up etc. I was also thinking this might not be a bad situation, as she could add to my life the things I need. Help around the house, etc, even if she didn't work. I own a business, and tend to be busy.

 

Once here, she continued to sleep until 12 or 1 everyday. She cannot cook for herself. She never cleaned. Never did laundry. I offered her an easy job , and she expressed no interest. She did her dishes a handful of times, and complained. She always wanted money to do her nails, hair, for clothes, etc. I would work all day, come home, then have to clean, do laundry, take care of her,make sure she eats etc. My life was twice as hard than before!

 

She would get mad if I ever suggested she be productive. She says she won't change for any man. She is not the type that cooks, or helps, etc. She even said she thought I would make her life easier! I told her that would be impossible, as it cant get much easier than it has been!

 

So, in a way, I thought I was the helper and fixer. She claimed her problems were due to parental control, lack of opportunities in her country, being alone, etc, which made her depressed. But once here, she continued the same pattern, of doing nothing.

 

Would some men put up with this behavior? Is there any way that my expectations of give and take are completely off base? Are many relationships completely one sided? And does the one always taking ever change for the right person? Or are they destined to be alone or find someone who will put up with it?

[KinAZ]

Well... I don't think people change for the "right person" directly... I think people change from learning a lesson. The problem is, even when we try to teach people lessons, they don't always learn. Change comes when we're ready, when we want better for ourselves. Mostly, when we're TRULY sick of the situations we're in.

 

I might say I want to lose 10 lbs, and really wish I was 10lbs lighter for years. But once I'm passionate enough, fed up enough, etc etc etc, I will start to make those necessary changes in my life. Sometimes doubt is an obstacle to overcome.

 

I'm not big on dishes and cooking (mostly because I hate doing the dishes). But I understand that I have to do what have to do. Either way, my attitude towards cooking has improved A LOT, not because of motherhood, but rather because of successful meals. LOL, there is something to be said for doing something so well that you can start to take pride in it. Someone who is suffering from self-doubt will have a much harder time pulling themselves out of cycle.

 

I'm not trying to say that she could one day fall in love with house work or anything like that, but getting over the fear of not being good enough at something or that certain tasks might be "too much" for you does change the way you approach things.

 

ON THE OTHER HAND, lol... now, I didn't change, but "the right man" was able to get me behind the wheel of a car. I have my license, but I developed a fear of driving. I still don't drive, but he was FIRM with me, and for me... lol that actually worked. And had I not later found him to be creepy, I might be a driver today.

 

Also, one thing that made me want to be less selfish was bad experiences. It helped me to look back on the couple of good ones I wasn't mature enough to appreciate. While it did take time, and a real desire for change, I was then able to look back at what I could have done and should have done differently. No, not so much to save those particular relationships, but just in general, as a more appreciative person, instead of a princess.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

This woman has never matured into an adult. You are basically living with a child. Do you want to be a dad?

 

I don't know how you give someone motivation. She does not seem motivated to change anything. She probably views cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc as maid's work. Beneath her.

 

What are her passions in life, other than getting her nails done? Is there a subject that she is interested in? Does she like art, numbers, people, gardening, anything? Whenever I'm in a rut I try to learns something new and it sort of "wakes me up".

 

I just wonder if she could develop some interests if that wouldn't give her some sort of purpose to her day.

 

To be honest it sounds like you were trying to use each other and you both got a bum deal! Is there any love involved here? Are you trying to work on a relationship? Or is she more like a mail order bride who isn't fulfilling her "obligations"?

[bones1]

We are 2 people that met by chance, and had a big attraction for one another. We are the same age, same level of looks etc.

 

But I agree with you. I feel as though since her dad has done everything for her for the past 15 years, maybe she views relationships like that as well?

 

She is intelligent, funny, attractive, and interesting. But since this is a long distance relationship, I can't really hold out hope that things would be different next time.

 

I couldn't motivate her, and don't know if she ever could be motivated. Can anyone date someone long term that sleeps until 1, doesn't work, doesn't do anything around the house, and just wants to be entertained?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Not if you are looking for a real partner in life. This woman is a toy.

[KinAZ]

One thing's for sure... The longer you let her get away with it, the longer she will do it.

[Keridan]

Bones, I think you need to get away from her. What you are talking about is more than a lack of responcibility. She really thinks it's absurd someone would expect it.

 

I don't see someone with that approach changing. You won't be able to convince her that she should.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but you're probably better off finding a local with more reasonable. Good luck to you!

[Krytie TV]

How many have felt you were in a one sided relationship? Has the person ever changed? Was it really one sided, or was that just your perception?

 

Yes, I've been there. It doesn't change, unless it's the gap getting larger. When takers are in relationships with givers, they only get reinforced for taking as the giver continues to give.

[bones1]

At this point I feel I need to quit the relationship. I do wonder if it was me being too giving? Is she like that with everyone? Does she really expect me to take care of her 100%, and do everything for her without even trying herself?

 

I believe a major part of the problem is her father, who has given her money every month of her life, and never saw to it that she worked, or did anything. Why would he even get her a maid when she is single, and lives alone with no job?

 

He is also very jealous and upset that she came, as if I was stealing his girlfriend.

 

And for the guys, how many women have you met that believe in the team concept? Helping each other, not necessarily monetarily only, but with everything?

 

From guys I talk to, and from my own experience, it seems single women are largely consumed with themselves. Even the ones that work and chip in, then are consumed with only talking about their job, their family, their hair,their car, their weight, their friends, needing help at their home etc, while at the same time making sure not to do things that would be considered "womanly", since as help with laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.

 

My friend felt since women never or rarely play team sports, and are largely in competition with each other, they never understand the team concept of a team, or helping in return.

[nicki]

For whatever reason, she is lazy and self-centered and doesn't have a sense of purpose.

 

She doesn't share your set of values about life.

 

I believe people change when they have a great personal stake at hand. Until it affects them on a deep personal level, they usually won't change. Especially if people enable them.

 

My abusive ex husband changed AFTER I left him for good. He told me he never would have changed while I was still with him because he didn't have to. It was the realization he had destroyed everything that meant something to him that sparked him to change.

 

I have a very good friend who was raised like your girlfriend. She has the same attitude. It's sad to see how deeply unhappy she is. Her parents didn't do her any favors treating her like they did. She feels entitled to everything and has no sense of purpose or sense she has any real worth.

 

So, you can't change her. You can require better of her and stop enabling her, but it's her choice to rise to the challenge of life and to be a productive person.

[nicki]

It's not you. It's her. She will be this way with anyone.

 

The best partner for her will be some older rich guy who will treat her exactly like her father did. But, of course, she will never grow and be a better person in that situation.

 

Not your problem. Maybe losing out on a great guy like you will make her pause and think about what she is doing. Maybe not. It often takes many hits over the head to finally figure something out.

 

Many women are good equal partners.

 

Just live your values and let the chips fall where they will. I don't enable people's bad habits anymore and that has changed my life for the better!

[Jilly Bean]

Are you sure her "father" isn't her "Daddy"? As in, Sugar Daddy?

 

Just seems odd that he "keeps" her, and yet they travel and go out together.

 

Sounds to me like she was snowing you on who this guy is. But for certain, she was thinking you were going to be her next Sugar Daddy. She was looking for a new meal ticket, and she played you for it.

 

Will this change? Hell, no!

 

Lesson learned? Have a good time on vacation, but don't bring home the strays.

[Keridan]

Bones, I'm very sorry that things aren't working out for you. It's a very frustrating situation.

 

I did a lot of dating before I got married and I met women who fell on both sides. I've had girlfriends who were happy to sit around the house and offer up little or no help with any chores. By contrast, I've met a few women who were at least willing to try. Even if they didn't make much or didn't have a lot of time to contribute around the house.

 

A couple of the women who did nothing had tons of money for one reason or another. I would still take the ones who earned nearly nothing but worked for it any day. They showed more appreciation for what I had to do to bring home a living.

 

My wife hates working with a passion, but after our wedding, I need her to contribute for a while. She complains, but she still goes to work every day and does a good job. Then on the weekends she helps with the chores. I do the cooking and cleaning most of the time, but that's my choice.

 

I hope you have better luck with the next one to come along!

[bones1]

Yes, I met her father, and it checks out. I have come to find out this is not that uncommon for Brazilian girls with wealthy parents. She is also an only child.

 

And i am with Kerdian.. I would much rather be with a poor girl who appreciated things, and understood the concept of work, than a rich spoiled woman who expected everyone to do everything for her, with little appreciation.

 

I suppose the confusing part is often times these spoiled girls are very depressed, as is the one I am speaking of. She told me she wanted to change her life, how she is miserable, etc, but when given an opportunity she showed she really can't or won't offer anything at all.

 

It seems like common sense to me, that even if you are staying with a friend or relative on vacation, you would help out, and at least pick up after yourself. I just don't understand the mentality.