do I tell?

[mary9]

Hi, I was going out with a guy for 3yrs in uni. We always had our ups and downs like most couples, however he usually got his way in the relationship e.g. would decide when I could see him and hang out and even when I could call him during the day.

 

For 6months prior to breaking up, the amount of time we spent together lessened to once a week for a few hours. Indeed the amount of time that I would hear from him also lessened, as did times that we were physical. I told him numerous times that I felt that he was letting me drift and each time he did not seem to care much. He began to say that I was not making an effort and hence the reason we weren't working well. For 2months prior to the breakup he would text me that he didn't think things were working and he didn't see them being fixed and perhaps we shouldn't be together. However anytime I tried to ring him over such matters he refused to take my call telling me he was too busy to talk about it. I again told him I was unhappy how I was being treated and he told me that was my issue and that our relationship was the last thing on his mind. He broke up with me over text one day after an argument. I asked to meet him in person so he could confirm this to my face, which initially he refused to saying that he hadn't time to fix it and he had said everything he had to say and that nothing was going to change.

 

This was just over two months ago, and in this time I ended up kissing a friend who always showed an interest in me and also who I got on with. However in the last couple of weeks, my ex and I have been in contact and have met up on a few occasions. He suggested that we went on a few dates and to see how things work out. I am tearing myself up over what happened with the other guy and whether I should tell my ex. However, my ex had always said that if I kissed anyone else while we were broken up it was a sign that we were over for good and he'd never go back to me. I still love my ex and the thought of him completely shutting me off has me worried sick. In the meantime, he is acting as if nothing had ever happened and the as if everything is the same just as it was before we had broken up and when I had been unhappy.

 

I'm shattered over it all and really feel so guilty. Can anyone give me any advice on what I should do or how I should be feeling? :(

 

Thank you for your help

[Lookingforward]

Find someone else - this guy (your ex) is a number one jerk - you can do way better, trust me.

 

Why you posted this on the infidelity board is beyond me............

[mary9]

Thank you for your reply....I do realise I do not deserve the way he treated me before despite this I still feel terrible over the other guy.

 

 

P.S: I just noticed an error in my post; " he is acting as if nothing ever happened i.e we didn't break up and as if I shouldn't be upset"

[TCatherine]

you didnt do anything wrong.. he does sound like a jerk though. Are you sure you want to get back with this guy? (read back what you wrote with your eyes open and remember how he treated you!!!) He will go back to his own ways. I would move on before it's too late and you are deep into the relationship again.

[Owl]

You're dating...this is a learning period. You're not married, you're not engaged...and quite honestly, I'd bet money that your BF was/is seeing someone else. That would be the most likely explanation why he suddenly started getting distant from you.

 

Dump him...move on.

[mary9]

Thank you guys for getting back to me, it means alot!

 

I think I do what to get back with him at some stage. I have voiced that all I want is to be appreciated. I think he knows that he did not treat me well, and is trying very hard to be nice. I did say to him that he can't expect me to feel as I was before, his response - "let things happen naturally and stop living in the past." I think though that me feeling guilty over what happened with the other guy has me confused because in a way I feel that I am betraying him. I'm so confused and wish this "guilt" would ease.

 

I'm sorry if I sound like a complete idiot...

[Lookingforward]

you were 'broken up' at the time...you have nothing to FEEL guilty about.

[OWoman]

I have voiced that all I want is to be appreciated.

 

So you're quite happy for him to be a dog in all other respects so long as he doesn't blow you off when you (continue to) do all the running around to keep the R going? No wonder he took you back - the other girl/s he was seeing when he blew you off probably insisted he bring his end too, and he figured that was too much work and you were the easier bet.

 

Sorry mary if that sounds harsh, but this guy has treated you really badly and from what you've said, despite his "trying to be nice" it doesn't sound as if he's demonstrating any remorse or acknowledging any responsibility for the R going down the toilet; he's simply allowing you back and humouring you for the moment until he slips back into his old ways. Or until someone else comes along again to capture his interest. Are you really happy to be treated like this, and to put up with scraps from this guy instead of a R with someone who actually loves and respects you, who treats you right because he wants to, not because he's told to and it's the only way he's going to get his rocks off?

[OWoman]

Oh - I meant to add: I think you SHOULD tell him. Tell him that while he was trating you so poorly you found some other guy who treated you far better, and while you're giving him another chance to try to be a good enough bf, you have other options now and if he's not good enough you'll dump him for someone else who is.

 

I don't think you should feel guilty. I think you should feel empowered, and start making some demands and sticking to them. If he doesn't live up to scratch, dump him and let him sweat when he sees you with someone who can treat you well and make you happy.

[pentacle]

So what was his explanation for his behaviour? Because from my perspective of being several years older and wiser, his lack of interest sounded very much like he had other love interests on the go.

 

And why do you find him so convincing that you are willing to give him another chance?

 

What happened when you split up with him is absolutely none of his business. And saying to you that you kissing someone when you split up proves you don't love him is a way of making you feel desperate and guilty - AND LOOK HOW SUCCESSFUL HE IS! You feel guilty and are worried about CONFESSING!! This is about him controlling you. Stop it. This is your life, live it.

 

That said, I think I would be inclined to tell him because it is nothing to be ashamed of and you have the advantage then of knowing you told the truth. Learn that your actions are your own. You are an adult. The next move is his and you will have the advantage of seeing the quality of the person he is. If you lie at this juncture ( I would think he knows the truth already) you will give him something to use to control you at a later date.

 

Also, what's happened to the guy who likes you so much, that you kissed. Have you dropped him from the picture because exbf has arrived on the scene?

 

There is rarely only one choice of lover in a lifetime. The ex is only one of them. You don't need to think he is your only choice that you must put up with for fear of never finding another.

 

Remember the exbf is an ex for a reason.

[mary9]

in response to pentacle....

 

I suppose I am willing to try give this another chance as he is my first love and I am usually hopeful that he may change... I think my ex thinks that no matter what I will always be there, never in the 3yrs did I ever once step out of line, as he would say "I was the angel in the R"...he had said that he took me for granted, which was hard to hear but I did suspect it. His explanation of his behaviour was that he was busy with work (he has since changed jobs and is less busy)....he is a very hardworking person and I respect that but limiting me to once a week for 5months to sit and usually watch tv with him was getting hard to put up with. I pointed out to him just before we broke up that it was 6wks since we spent any quality fun time together.

 

A part of me thinks that the way he is acting now as if nothing has happened could be due to the fact that he didn't take the breakup that seriously. Me on the other hand went through all the motions of it.

 

The friend that I kissed ended up getting with a different girl 2days later and is now going out with her.... Part of me feels that he knew he'd get what he wanted because I was vulnerable, perhaps I'm looking into things to deeply.

 

I still feel guilty despite this...I would never want to hurt him but at the same time I do believe in treating others as you would like to be treated...but a part of me knows that if I did tell him he would use it against me. I don't think he would get over it. Very few people know, with the exception of a few girlfirends (who also think I should just put it behind me).

 

I just don't know... :(

 

I really appreciate all your advice because the whole thing is driving me crazy.

[pentacle]

okay, it's all starting to make more sense.

 

He may be hard working. But are you really telling me that this guy worked every hour available to him and the only time he took off was the couple of hours with you? What else was he doing?

 

The fact that he restricted you to a few hours of TV a week tells you that you were not his romantic interest. You were more like a comfortable sock. Harsh, but he does not see you as an equal human being with emotional needs, just as something to keep him warm when he has a bit of spare time. And worse, after all that where he knows that you were not happy, he tries to treat it as though nothing has happened. Something very clearly did happen - you thought it was over and were willing to try out other men. That should be something for him to mull over ie that you won't just wait for him to find the odd hour to pay attention to you.

 

I don't think you can let him just behave like nothing's happened. I think that you have to get together and look at what happened before, acknowledge the problems and decide how you are going to avoid it happening again. If he is so very career oriented then this could easily happen again and he'll come back some months later expecting you to be there. There has to be more boundaries in place than that, you have to have more respect for yourself and have have your needs met as well.

 

How are you going to do that do you think?

[mary9]

He was working was pretty much 9-5 and then he had another part-time job, which he quit saying he was going to make time for me but it never happened. He has always been very routine in what day I'd see him and then his friends etc....it sounds weird, but I suppose it was a form of OCD.

 

Well I have told him that he can't expect me to be in the same place as he is regarding us because I'm not....I'm not sure if it is because I am still raw over how he dealt with the whole matter or that I took an interest in someone else. Maybe it is both. Or this stupid guilt I feel

 

He has told me that I'm to just go with the flow and see how things work out but that's all he seems to have to say about it. Apparently I "over complicate things and don't let things happen naturally," but it's hard to let things just work out when I'm still hurt.

 

I know myself that I have low self-esteem and confidence when it comes to most things. But I do realise that I don't deserve any of the things that I put up with. I told him this too.

[pentacle]

Just a quick comment because I've got to dash.

 

Two things don't quite add up for me. He seems to like to put people into distinct categories and you've thought about it as a type of OCD. This is truly about controlling environment, self, relationships etc. The other is that he wants your bf/gf relationship to flow naturally. Those two things don't go together. Also he is working 9-5 it doesn't sound really career driven.

 

Your romantic interest is normally somewhere near the centre of your life. You are on the fringe of his life, an adjunct. Hey, I am closer to the centre of my friends lives then you are to your boyfriend's! Part of being in a romantic relationship is intimacy - seeing each other, spending time together, creating a history and feeling together that supports your love. Restricting your access to him tells you he doesn't need that intimacy with you and you are wasting your time pursuing the relationship.

 

Sorry, but this seems very black and white to me. I can only imagine the attraction is a kind of need to prove to yourself that you can make him change, you can make him love you. Sometimes you have more fun giving up and finding someone more attuned to you and your needs.