bigproblems Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I will most likely get scorned by a lot of people here, but really I am just trying to express the way I feel about all this. Im not even sure how to begin, I guess I could just flat out say it: I dont trust my gf and her sexual past haunts me. Why? Why is this? I guess for a couple of reasons really. First let me talk about her past. HER PAST My gf is a really great girl, shes very open, very sweet, very caring, very beautiful, etc etc... She is a collection of her past, and at this point in her life a truly great person. So why do I let all this stupid things she did in her past affect me so deeply? Why does it bother me that she did a lot of drugs? Why does it bother me that she would casually have sex with her friends? Why does it bother me that she would have one night stands with people she had met only that night? Why does it bother me that she would have group sex? Why does it bother me that she had an abortion? Why does it bother me that she stripped for drugs? Why does it bother me that she cheated on one of her x bf's? Why does it all bother me? Its her past, not her present... She has said that she regrets a lot of what she has done... She said she has changed... She said that she used to view sex in a different perspective, her mind was muted by drugs and peer pressure, and that she was young and trying to find things to make her happy... She said that none of that made her happy, and that what she has always wanted has been me... I make her happy... So why, after knowing all of this and how she is now and feels about me, do I still obsess that she was, at one point in her life, a very promiscuous person? Also, I should mention that I dont expect her to be a virgin, ok that is unrealistic. But, its not that she has had sexual partners that makes this difficult for me, I think its how she obtained these partners that is driving me crazy. I love her, but I can not help but look at her with judging eyes in this regard. I hate it, I hate myself for this, I hate that I am even letting this get to me. I hate that I feel like such an insecure ****ing piece of ****. I have never ever, not even once, felt as depressed about something as I do this... Is this crazy, or what??? How ****ed up am I to let another persons past sex life destroy me? She cant change her past, and I wouldnt really want her to because then she would not be who she is... I just wish that she was who she was, without so much easy sex... But it puts so many questions in my head... Sex between us was great up until we moved in together, I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and started letting all of this get to me... Now, I question everything about our sex... I wonder how many guys she has had sex with that were more well endowed than me and if she compares me to them... I wonder if when she looks at my penis wishes it was bigger because she has had bigger and misses it. I wonder if when she looks at me she compares me in any way to the slew of men she has been with. She has only gotten wet a couple of times with me, and only had a handful of orgasms in the hundreds of times we have had sex... Sometimes I wonder if those were even legit, or if she was just faking it to make me happy... Not once has she ever came out and told me she enjoys having sex with me, not once has she ever said that she thinks I am a good lover, or that she finds my body attractive, or that I satisfy her... The only time she has ever given me any feedback on sex is when I had to She is the greatest sexual partner I have ever had, and one time when I told her that she thanked me... It sucks man, it ****ing sucks to know that probably half of the guys she has ****ed did it better than me. It sucks to feel second best, to feel this way... I hate it. TRUST ISSUES If her past was not hard enough for me to deal with, I am also dealing with some trust issues she has created for our relationship. I found out that she had been seeing her x bf (in a totally platonic way she claims) for months and months into our relationship. The thing is, she kept it from me. She would tell me she was going out with friends, sometimes go see them rather than to hang out with me, one time left me to go hang out with "them", and not once did she ever invite me out with them... Well, she did not invite me because she did not want me to know... Well, I know now, she said it was stupid on her part, blah blah blah and whatever... Well, the problem is that she has a couple single girl friends as well, who like to go out and party. She likes to go out with them without me. I hate this. I hate this because once I found out that she was going to see her x, I now find myself going into circles with suspicious thoughts that maybe she is up to more than she lets me know about. Also, I know its not my place to know about her past sex life ok, I know that now, now I do know but the problem is I know too much. A couple of times she lied to me about her past, as far as how many people she had slept with, the ways in which she had slept with them, etc... Well one thing she slipped up and told me is that she would casually sleep with her friends.. Now, I fear competition of all her friends. One day, I came home from work and found her and one of her guy friends, which I had never met, at our house getting high together... This is a guy she would go out with, without me, and go to concerts with, have drinks with, go workout with, etc... And all the way never invited me to come along... Why? And, to top it off, she did and continues to get flirtatious emails and texts from guys who she has either slept with, dated, or whatever. This really bothers me, and I dont think she should keep contact with men who she was intimate with. She tells me she doesnt, but it always seems like I find something to deter from that. CONCLUSION Sorry I know this is long. I know that I am insecure about a lot of this, so I dont need you to reiterate that to me. In fact, I dont know what anyone here can tell me that I have not been told already. I think that I should get out of this relationship. I have this gut feeling that she is wrong for me, that there is a good chance she will hurt me or cheat on me ( if she hasnt already), and that I should find someone who seems to share the same values as myself. However, if you subtract this post from our relationship, everything else is great... However, I think that these are some rather big sticking points in our relationship.
quankanne Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I think you should get out of the relationship, too, because all this crap is going to keep eating at your brain the longer you stay with her. Simply because trust is a huge issue. it's never a smart idea to divulge too much of your sexual past to your partner, other than "yes, I've had experience and yes, I've been tested for STDs/HIV/AIDS" because beyond that TMI can kill a relationship. Hell, I've been married 16 years and my husband doesn't appreciate random comments about my former sex life because it's not a part of US, so to speak. your girl might be the sweetest, kindest person in the world, but unless you've absolutely made peace with her past, you're going to be miserable and suspicious. You are much better off just walking away if you're unable to come to terms with who she was and who she now is.
carhill Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Over-analysis alert Keep it simple. What are your goals for the relationship? Do her present qualities meet those goals? Does your knowledge of her past toxify your perception of her and, if so, can you reconcile that? Have you talked about your concerns with her? Result? My dimestore opinion, based only on the OP, would be to find someone with a history and relationship outlook more like yourself. I'd throw this fish back after gently removing the hook
AAlike Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Honestly, even though I can relate to unnecessarily and/or irrationally focusing on the past when it comes to a GF, in this case I think that the past is coming in at a distant third compared to the issues that both of you are bringing to this relationship in the present. The real problems here are that you are sexually unsure of yourself, with which your girlfriend is not doing much to help out with, and more importantly, it doesn't seem like she's really gotten over her own past, as it appears that she's still showing signs of clinging to her "crazy" persona in the past but still wants to be in a relationship with you. I mean, I used to do a ton of drugs, as did my GF, but if one day I came home to her getting ripped with some random dude I'd be pissed too - not because I thought she was going to cheat on me, but because that's generally shady, and mroe importantly that's the kind of stuff that I thought that we were past now that we're all growed up (lol). It's tough enough reconciling our loved ones' pasts given our tendencies to put them on a pedestal - however, if THEY haven't gotten over their past it's damn near impossible for you to! It seems to me that you've got to basically tell her that she has to make a choice, does she really want to truly leave the crazy days behind her and get with you, and if so, she needs to work on making you feel truly appreciated. Only after she does that do you have any chance of letting the past be the past. If she's still talking illicitly to former flings and bringing random dudes over to get high, she's bringing her past into the present. I have had plenty of problems with my sexual girlfriend's past, but never has it factored into me questioning my own performance, or distrusting her everyday actions. that's why I think this is really localized in the present.
daphne Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 big, To me it doesn't sound like a simple issue of youthful promiscuity. It sounds like she's highly untrustworthy. Your gut is sounding off fire alarms, and I believe with very good reason. You're not listening. I'm not into double standards for men and women, but your girlfriend sounds like she was over the top. And considering that she still hangs around exes for attention, and hangs out with new guys for attention and drugs, I don't know that this is all a thing of the past. She may want it to be so she feeds you sound bytes to keep you around. But honestly, people that have that much of an addiction don't usually change. And she sounds very much addicted to the rush, drama, drugs or whatever she's getting. She's not relationship material. I had a friend who was a sex addict, alcoholic. He quit drinking and told me he had changed. He actually hinted that now that we were older the age difference wasn't a big deal. But I have listened and watched and learned. He quit drinking, but he's simply a demured version of his former selfish, using, abusing self. He still uses women for sex whenever he can, and says pretty crappy things about them. He seems nicer than he was, but in spirit he's really the same ass clown. I don't know why in teh world he thought I'd ever consider it (which I never did). She's giving you all of the information you need to know about how she will behave in teh future. She'll get high with random guys and seek attention and maybe more from exes. This isn't the way a loving partner would act. I don't know you, but you may not be all that insecure apart from this situation. This would drive any sane person to deep insecurity. Although I think a highly secure person would get out of dodge while they could as they'd know that what's coming isn't going to be good. Ask yourself what is it about you that is ok with accepting this in your life?
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Too much baggage. She has alot of issues that will resurface in some way. Do you want to be on the receiving end when it happens. It's nice that she told you, but if she didnt get help to address her issues what's the point?
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