Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I don't know why, but I really want to write him. I really want to defend myself against this fantasy of his of me. I want to tell him that it's okay for me to still have feelings and that this is not a reason to hate me. I want to tell him that it's not my fault that she wrote me, and that I do not deserve this. I want to tell him something that will make him care about me. I just want it back, even though I know that it wasn't a healthy relationship to begin with. I feel so sad and lonely, and I think I will die without knowing love and nobody will care if I do. I am scared because of the lump in my breast, and I can't force myself to go to the doctor. I just want to get back to what it was...because I was allowed to love somebody. This is basically what our relationship was the last year..I was allowed to love him. Why can't I let him go? He already left. And yet I can't seem to accept it. It's been 2 months for crying out loud. This morning I felt strong...and now I feel like a worthless pile of ****.
ate_the_paint Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 It's the roller-coaster. Up and down, up and down. Two months for me, too. How long have you had NC? Also, you should put everything else aside and really get to the doctor's to get that lump checked out. IF it were something serious, is some guy who broke your heart more important than your health? I think not!
stlnsmile Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I don't know why, but I really want to write him. I really want to defend myself against this fantasy of his of me. I want to tell him that it's okay for me to still have feelings and that this is not a reason to hate me. I want to tell him that it's not my fault that she wrote me, and that I do not deserve this. I want to tell him something that will make him care about me. I just want it back, even though I know that it wasn't a healthy relationship to begin with. I feel so sad and lonely, and I think I will die without knowing love and nobody will care if I do. I am scared because of the lump in my breast, and I can't force myself to go to the doctor. I just want to get back to what it was...because I was allowed to love somebody. This is basically what our relationship was the last year..I was allowed to love him. Why can't I let him go? He already left. And yet I can't seem to accept it. It's been 2 months for crying out loud. This morning I felt strong...and now I feel like a worthless pile of ****. I did this, I wrote to my ex, and I have to tell you it did no good. Instead of feeling convicted in any way that anything he had done was wrong, he got on his high horse and told me how everything I thought was just in my own mind and not true, and that I should just get over it. I guess my point is, all I did by telling him what I thought was give him power. The power to refute me, the power to control me, the power to hurt me, again...the power to keep his bad opinion of me, the power to feel cocky again, "ah she still wants me, still has feelings for me", all it did was give him more POWER. Sweetie, don't do it. You have been hurt enough by this guy. He's so not worth it. If he cared, he'd be at your front door and no one would have to tell him to do it. If he cared about your feelings he would be calling your or writing you. Right now, he is too wrapped up in himself and his own perceptions to ever see your side, trust me on this one. You don't need to give him the oportunity to just deny your feelings all over again. Write it down, put it in a drawr, burn it, or just cry about it, but do not give him any more power, he's got enough. I understand, and I actually did it and went through with it and I regretted it more than anything I have ever done. And it did not bring him back to me, if anything, in his own eyes, it just validated all his reasons for leaving, then he could call me pshycho, cliggy bi***! Whatever. Just protect yourself. You are doing nothing good for you by writing this letter or email or whatever.
Author Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 I know, I know. I put him on auto-delete. I deleted his numbers (though they are still in the last call list in the home line...can't delete that). I have nothing to say to him... But...I feel so alone and I don't know. I tried so hard and if this isn't enough...nothing ever will be. I am really scared about the lump, I can't go...I am blocked. stinsmile: Same here. I just gave him power - and he used it. I just feel so inadequate. He was my first love and he did tell me that I was the love of his life (though only after the affair had begun, and it devalued my words...because I had meant them). I tried so hard..if this wasn't enough...I can not ever be more. He wasn't even great. I mean, in retrospect he was not very great. And I wasn't even good enough for that.
serendip Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I don't know why, but I really want to write him. I really want to defend myself against this fantasy of his of me. I want to tell him that it's okay for me to still have feelings and that this is not a reason to hate me. I want to tell him that it's not my fault that she wrote me, and that I do not deserve this. I want to tell him something that will make him care about me. I just want it back, even though I know that it wasn't a healthy relationship to begin with. I feel so sad and lonely, and I think I will die without knowing love and nobody will care if I do. I am scared because of the lump in my breast, and I can't force myself to go to the doctor. I just want to get back to what it was...because I was allowed to love somebody. This is basically what our relationship was the last year..I was allowed to love him. Why can't I let him go? He already left. And yet I can't seem to accept it. It's been 2 months for crying out loud. This morning I felt strong...and now I feel like a worthless pile of ****. Why would you care what he thinks anymore...he's not in your life anymore. You sending him any message will only make it worse. You ex cheated on you and basically he doesn't give a crap about you...so don't waste your time. I'm not sure if you are the one who attempted suicide or cut yourself to seek attention from ex(could be another LS poster)....but you should really see a professional about this. read this from motive's thread http://www.joy2meu.com/Toxiclove.htm http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=342
Author Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 I did cut myself, but I didn't do it to get his attention. I have a history of self-violation (don't know if this is the English term) and I was really driven very far from any happy place when I did it. I am already in therapy. I know it's a waste of time, and I won't do it, not anymore. But I feel like it, I feel all those crappy emotions. As for the obsessive love: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article_test.php?artID=342&page=1 1. I did not fall for him very soon. It took me weeks to get into him, and I have many many people who could testify for that. 2. I had no fantasies about him, not in the beginning, nor until the end. I did, in fact, propose breaking up when we were to switch to LDR mode. He refused, crying like a mad man. Maybe calling him the "love of my life" falls in this category, but he was the first man I felt really close and comfortable with. Even though he was abusive. 3. I was a afraid that our relationship would end when his communication declined, but I was not panicking. Also, I did break up with him (and found out about the affair when we were trying to reconcile.) So, no real fear of abandonement. 4. I had never had the slightest suspicion that he was cheating. Nor was I ever jealous when he went out with girl-friends. 5. I wanted to have contact several days a week, but I don't think that's obsessive. 6. I never monitored his behaviour. He did, actually. Phase Four: The Destructive Phase Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling "empty" inside).A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred. Those are true, though. Am I obsessed? Reading on the toxic love now...
serendip Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Those are true, though. Am I obsessed? Reading on the toxic love now... No it's co-dependence...you are relying on his validation for your happiness b/c of your low self-esteem. You have to be happy with yourself and love yourself before you can truly have a healthy relationship I glad you are seeking professional help.
Author Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 For the toxic love: 1. Love - Development of self first priority. Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.Only in the last two months. It was a priority, but I did live my life without being dictated by it. 2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) Might be. Though I didn't see the need as a proof of love, but it did feel safe. I wanted to grow with the relationship, is that wrong? 3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.Ding, ding, ding. He couldn't bear to let me be alone. Whenever I went out with other people without him I had 30 calls/hour if I didn't call him each hour on my own. I stopped going out alone after a while...damn. That was really idiotic of me. 4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing. Not really. I wasn't secure in my own worth, but I always encouraged new projects. 5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply." Total no. I completely trusted him. 6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation. I am not into plays. However, lots of my working on the past is a kind of putting blame on him, I guess. E.g. he had intercourse without my consent, but I didn't say no, so I should not blame him now. Mh. Something there. 7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image. I didn't change him in reality, but I twisted many of the things to fit the image I had of him. If this is meant here, then I am guilty. But I think that happens fairly often in relationships, no? 8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. 100% yes. 9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. I hoped he would help me be a better person. So...yes. But doesn't that correspond with the real love in question 2? 10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.) No fusion. He wasn't very open about problems anyway. 11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. I was pressured for sex sometimes. 12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.Sure. It was an LDR. 13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair. Mix of both. So, yes it was very dysfunctional. Did I ruin it by being co-dependent? Was I really so very co-dependent?
critter909 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Please get that lump looked at. There was another post on here somewhere that said basically, "don't do anything to yourself, you will look back a couple of months from now and be really glad you didn't off yourself." It sounds almost humorous except it's not. By not taking care of this health problem you are potentially killing yourself by non-action. One day you WILL get over this and be so glad you did. Take care of yourself.
Author Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 This is more or less what I think when I read "you need to love yourself" http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2008-06-26.gif NM, not a loser - just victory-challenged.
stlnsmile Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I know, I know. I put him on auto-delete. I deleted his numbers (though they are still in the last call list in the home line...can't delete that). I have nothing to say to him... But...I feel so alone and I don't know. I tried so hard and if this isn't enough...nothing ever will be. I am really scared about the lump, I can't go...I am blocked. stinsmile: Same here. I just gave him power - and he used it. I just feel so inadequate. He was my first love and he did tell me that I was the love of his life (though only after the affair had begun, and it devalued my words...because I had meant them). I tried so hard..if this wasn't enough...I can not ever be more. He wasn't even great. I mean, in retrospect he was not very great. And I wasn't even good enough for that. Every one else wants to deal with all that other stuff, Im not a professional, so I won't even try. I will just deal with what you said here. I felt the same way believe me. He was my first love too, first kiss, first everything. He told me he wanted to marry me, gave me a promis ring, he told me I was the love of his life, he would never leave me, he would only be half of a person with out me..bla bla bla. I felt the same way, if I did everything I could to keep him, and I couldn't what chance do I have in the future to have someone else. But what I have realized through time, and meeting a lot of different guys since then, is that it was his problem not mine. If you look back on it really, and really give it a hard look, I think you will see he probably was not all that healthy. Like you said, he wasn't all that great to begin with. You are having a hard time adjusting to being alone, and I have a feeling that is more the problem than anything else. You had emotional stuff going on before this, and it just shows you that you need a lot of personal healing. You have to learn to love the person that you are. No matter what. No matter your family back ground, no matter what has happened to you in life, you have to see yourself as a strong person who does know what she wants out of life and go for the things that make you, YOU! You can not let anyone, anyone, define you, except for you. You were a person before you met him. I think as time goes on, if you give yourself the chance, you will find yourself again, the real you, and when you learn to love that person, and to make her who you want her to be, when you learn to stand on your own two feet, then you will meet someone worthy of this new person. Do not give up on yourself. You were not whole in that relationship and neither was he. You needed him way too much, and when that happens, you loose you. And when you loose yourself to another, that is not a relationship, that is a dependancy, like drugs. The cutting is something I have gone through with a number of my friends, its almost fad like in my age group. It comes from a deep self loathing and in ability to deal with pain. You have to get a new set of coping mechanisms. You have to start taking positive action towards a betterment of yourself, not a distructive action that hurts you. You have to find a way to deal with pain healthfully. You are defeating yourself with these sorts of thoughts....I will never be good enough for anyone. Bullcr**! You will be the person you allow yourself to be. Don't tell yourself that stuff anymore. Believe me, I ran all of those same messages through my head, and I believed them, for a while, but then I realized that none of it was true and the longer I sat there feeling that way, allowing him to define who I was, the longer I was hurting myself. I don't know if any of this helps. I understand where you are. And you can have the time you need to feel self pitty and worthlessness, but then its time to get on with life. He did not make you. He did not create you. He did not do anything for you, except share a small piece of your life. A long long life that should be filled with people who are actually capable of valuing you for who you are. We give people a piece of ourselves for a time, we learn from them, we learn what pain and grief and love and loss is, and then we move on, better people because of those pains. We move on into a different story a different chapter of our lives that will eventually include real love that is based on respect and friendship.
serendip Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 This is more or less what I think when I read "you need to love yourself" http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2008-06-26.gif NM, not a loser - just victory-challenged. Please don't think that I think you are loser. I'm saying you should not let your ex be the validation for your self-esteem. After what your ex did...most healthy people would walk away and feel like they were lucky they got out before it got more serious(ie: marriage, kids..etc). Instead you are worried what your ex thinks of you and I think you would actually consider taking him back after what he did. I did the same thing...my ex cheated and I didn't love myself enough to walk away...instead crazy drama ensued.
Author Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 Serendip: I don't think you think I am a loser. You wouldn't reply so thoughtfully if you were thinking like this. Right? It's actually my kind of humour - makes me chuckle. Victory-challenged. I would have taken him back, but...I am no longer there. I still depend on his evaluation, I think. Maybe...all I want is for him to feel bad. And since he doesn't, I feel as if I might have been wrong. The biggest problem is the self-worth or lack thereof. Therapy will help me deal with that. stinsmile: thank you.
sunshinegirl Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Aw kid, the downs s u c k , don't they? You have written some seriously wise stuff, particularly in response to me. I wonder if it would help you re-center yourself to look up your own words? And/or try to recall the yucky times, the times you doubted things with him. And/or write out an imagined future with him. I did that, it's on this board somewhere, and it's a good "touchstone" for me when I get overwhelmed with the 'missing him' vibe. You know what? Even when I was with him I didn't think he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I have very distinct memories of seeing or talking to other guys who just seemed like better overall people, healthier or more well-rounded, or social, or connected, or all of the above. Those are helpful memories to draw on too. I have to believe you have some of those clunking around somewhere in your mind.
kizik Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Every one else wants to deal with all that other stuff... Stlnsmile, thanks for the post that begins with the above line (#11). I didn't want to take up space by quoting it all. You pose some great points and insights here. I really appreciate it. It's articulate and true, and what rings with me most is that the Ex wasn't that great, I depended on her waaay too much, lost myself, and now have the brilliant opportunity to re-discover myself. It is a blessing that is disguised as a curse. Everything's gonna get better. Love yourself completely. No one can pick you up, but you.
Author Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 sunshinegirl: Thank you. I have lots of very bad memories of him, the fact alone that I didn't leave long before he had an affair should make me doubt myself. But the downs...are pretty rough, as you said yourself. *yawn* It's past midnight here. Gotta get some sleep. Hopefully it will be easier tomorrow. I miss being important to him.
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