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Going through emotional pain again in my life. I dont want this again.

sinkerswim

By sinkerswim
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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sinkerswim Established Member

sinkerswim

Posted
Posted

Hey everyone...

I first started coming here in Feb 2004 when my ex fiance told me he needed space and pretty much never came back into my life.

I was with him for 8.5 years...he devastated me, wouldnt talk to me, wouldnt give me a reason..etc.

I felt hopeless, I was in a severe depression, and needed a lot of support through therapy, family and friends.

Well, I got through it and eventually felt so much better.

 

Exactly a year later I met a wonderful guy... who was one of my friends on the internet for a couple years first.

It was long distance, but he fell in love with me right away. I will never forget the first time he told me he loved me..wanted to have my children, marry me..etc.

He flew in to see me and we continued to see each other every 2 months.

He treated me like gold...never left my side, told me he could never hurt my heart.. that is exactly how he said it.

We even planned where our wedding would be..what songs we would dance to.. etc.

I only had a promise ring from him..but no diamond yet. But he promised me that I will be very surprised the day he asks me

 

I always told him that this is how love is supposed to be. As my ex was always very selfish.

 

So last October we decided for me to move out here to Illinois to be with him. I made a huge life change...left my job of 13 years, my family..etc.

But I did it for him...because I knew we would be happy together.

Everything has been great up until a month or two ago...

He is still very affectionate , he tells me he loves me...but we sat down and talked and he told me he doesn't want to marry me.

He isnt 100 % happy with me.

He swears it is no one else..and that he said that living with me, has changed his thoughts.

He said I dont pull my financial responsibility..(which is true..I only have a part time job) but I am in the process of getting another one..

He just said its the little things..he thinks I am too nosy, accusatory..etc.

 

Of course I am devastated over it all..I told him it is WORTH working on and to please give me a chance. He has only been feeling like this for 2 months...

2 months out of 3 years... I mean..c'mon.

Things arent always perfect are they?

 

We talked last night again and I told him this is serious. He agreed.

I told him to stick it out and we can work through it. He said OK.

 

I just dont know what to do.

He keeps telling me he loves me, and he keeps hugging me and kissing me.

 

I cannot believe for the life of me..that HE of all people in this world..would be saying this to me. He was supposed to be the one..he was supposed to be different.

He loved me with all his heart and wanted me to marry him and have his kids.

He loves my family. I love his.

I need help..I need support.

I just need someone to talk to.

 

My heart is VERY heavy...I just cant believe it.

Should I leave him little love notes?

TCatherine Member

TCatherine

Posted
Posted

I am certainly not one to be giving advice, as I am in a fairly negative marriage right now, but sometimes it is easier to see clearly what someone else is going through and see possible solutions!

 

I wouldn't start doing little notes, or punishing him. I think you just need to work on your self-esteem (as do I). Is it just the job that is the issue? Were financial matters discussed before you moved in? These are life issues.

 

I hate to also say that if he is stating that he does not want to get married, that can be a hard thing to change... unless you are strong and maybe even leave him and let him see what life was like before you. I am sure that would be hard in your situation since you relocated for him.

 

Years ago, before my husband and I got married, he split up with me. I was crushed but tried very hard not to be pathetic. We worked in the same office too, and I just stayed strong. I never called him, I was civil when we were together and eventually moved on, but I did resent him, I have to say. 6 months later when I was dating someone else, quite happily.. he called me over into his office and asked if he could see me that Friday. I was stunned but said okay. I went over, he made me dinner, fussed etc. then told me he just can't live without me and wanted me back, etc. etc.

 

Now, we are married and we do have problems.. however, the fact is... the only reason he EVER wanted me back then was because I kept my head high. Women tend to be devastated in the beginning but guys take time to regret.

 

Again, I am not saying this would be easy for you, working part-time and in a different home town, but I guess what I am trying to say is... keep your head high. If you crumble and are pathetic, it just reinforces what they thought. Maybe he admired your independence before you met and now feels that he is taking care of you or something??

 

Life goes on without him. Don't be hard on yourself or him.. feelings do change. If you are not the one.. then.. well, you aren't!!! Better to find out now than after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids!

inloveandhurt Member

inloveandhurt

Posted
Posted

Maybe he is feeling guilty that you changed your whole life for him so dramatically, and that you're not what he was looking for. That's why he keeps hugging and kissing you. Anyway leaving him little love notes isn't going to help, he might feel like you're too clingy or that you're just doing it cuz of what he said. Honestly, I wouldn't have gone through so much upheaval for an online guy but now that it's done, work on making a life outside of him. Get another job and meet new people. Maybe he thinks you're nosy because your whole life is him and he just needs some space. So even if you are living together, make sure u have something outside of him. This is a positive thing to do regardless of whether it works or not.

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sinkerswim Established Member

sinkerswim

Posted
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THank you guys for responding...I appreciate it.

 

Yeah I was talking to my manager at work and she told me to try to show him it doesnt bother me... just to be happy with myself.

I just feel like those are broken promises...how can someone love you dearly and constantly tell you what a good mother you will be..and what a wonderful wife I will be to him...and then, just change his mind..because the last 2 months he "isnt feeling it".

It is very heartbreaking. I want my boyfriend back...I want him to want me.

 

Man..I DO sound pathetic..dont I?

I just love him with all my heart.

Keridan Established Member

Keridan

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry you are feeling down. It's hard when you feel like someone is less attracted to you.

 

Honestly, I think you are too worried about it, however. He sounds like a really good man who is just a little freaked out right now. You said you will work on your problems and he said he will work on his feelings. That's one hell of a start! Just give it time and work on what you promised to work on.

 

He didn't run away, he talked to you. He didn't withhold affection, he still shows love. I understand why you would feel gun-shy after the last relationship, but don't give up too easily on this one. He isn't the same guy and hopefully won't make the same foolish mistake.

 

I really hope this all works out for you!

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sinkerswim Established Member

sinkerswim

Posted
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Thanks Keridan...

That made me feel better. Throughout the day I am up and down about all of this.

I am terrified of not having him in my life..I cant even imagine life being the same.

It is weird..one minute I feel good that things may work out..maybe he is just going through things..he certainly isnt happy at his job either right now.

 

I just want to show him Im going to work on this. I pray so hard he doesnt just give up and tell me to leave. But I know I cannot project.

That is one of my worst things I do.

 

I left a couple little notes yesterday around the apartment..but I dont think I should do that again anytime soon from the advice of other people.

 

I have another question though for anybody on here...

..

Should I stop bringing it up?? I mean..I keep asking him if he wants to work it out. From him I get an "OK"..or a "We'll see if things change"..etc..

I keep telling him over and over that I love him...I know he knows that already.

ahhhh...I wish I wasnt going through this...unbelievable.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
It was long distance, but he fell in love with me right away. I will never forget the first time he told me he loved me..wanted to have my children, marry me..etc.

He flew in to see me and we continued to see each other every 2 months.

He treated me like gold...never left my side, told me he could never hurt my heart.. that is exactly how he said it.

We even planned where our wedding would be..what songs we would dance to.. etc.

I only had a promise ring from him..but no diamond yet. But he promised me that I will be very surprised the day he asks me

 

I always told him that this is how love is supposed to be. As my ex was always very selfish.

How do you fall in love with someone you haven't met in person or spent any time together with? I just wonder if part of your ongoing problem is that virtual romance might not be the best foundation for a real relationship. You guys don't seem to be on the same page in many major areas as your post regarding his dissatisfaction with your part-time work status would indicate.

 

You seems focused on feelings and he seems more oriented to the realities of everyday life. That might be a tough mix going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

Keridan Established Member

Keridan

Posted
Posted
How do you fall in love with someone you haven't met in person or spent any time together with? I just wonder if part of your ongoing problem is that virtual romance might not be the best foundation for a real relationship. You guys don't seem to be on the same page in many major areas as your post regarding his dissatisfaction with your part-time work status would indicate.

 

You seems focused on feelings and he seems more oriented to the realities of everyday life. That might be a tough mix going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I met my wife online, Lucky. And I have to say, there were similar problems to what the OP is going through here. We took a while to get together in person and then spent a couple years working out the differences. We did make trips to see each other first of course, but so did Sinkerswim.

 

OP, I have to agree that you should stop bringing it up so much. You seem to be fighting the urge to force an answer to this so you don't feel like you're in limbo anymore. It sucks to have something like that sitting out ther, but you are more likely to get the response you want if you stop bringing it up and just work on the things you want to change.

 

Don't pressure him, just love him and work with him. You said he's stressed at work and there is a lot going on for both of you right now. I think you just have to be patient and things will likely work out just fine.

quankanne Established Member

quankanne

Posted
Posted

just feel like those are broken promises...how can someone love you dearly and constantly tell you what a good mother you will be..and what a wonderful wife I will be to him...and then, just change his mind..because the last 2 months he "isnt feeling it".

 

oh, honey ((hugs)) ... you're not nuts, you're not bad or any of those other things you may be feeling right now. Because to me, it sounds like your relationship is going through one of those "reality check" patches they ALL tend to go through. *smile* me and the Mr. just celebrated our 16 year wedding anniversary, and this fall will make 20 years that we've known each other, but you know what? There have been phases where I've had my doubts, my "ugh! He's a jerk and I can't stand him why did I ever think he was the one for me" periods, and I've come to understand those are normal. That relationships aren't hunky-dory 100 percent of the time. Heck, I think you could probably ask a nun the same thing, and she'll admit that Jesus can be a frustrating spouse too :laugh:

 

so don't dwell on this so much, but rather focus on the fact that the guy still loves and cares for you. Make THAT the bedrock of your relationship, not the blips of bad or unsure feelings one or both of you may experience at times.

 

because you will always argue about these things during the course of your relationship/marriage: Finances/money, family and sex. But if you keep your head together, those problems can be dealt with accordingly. And at this point, if he's still loving toward you and willing to see things through, you're way ahead of the game. If it means toning down the talk of marriage for now, so be it. The proof isn't in those words or those plans, but the fact that he's still in it with you.

 

so let these feelings play out and focus on what you DO have with your honey. He sounds like a good man, and worth seeing this through ...

quankanne Established Member

quankanne

Posted
Posted

Should I stop bringing it up?? I mean..I keep asking him if he wants to work it out. From him I get an "OK"..or a "We'll see if things change"..etc..

I keep telling him over and over that I love him...I know he knows that already.

ahhhh...I wish I wasnt going through this...unbelievable.

 

not bringing it up constantly is a smart move, because you don't need to let your insecurities over-rule the relationship. If anything, tell him something along the liines that you appreciate that he's willing to work at it or stick with it, then drop the subject. Because while words are good, it's actions that people take to heart.

 

don't smother him, don't let your insecurities run roughshod over the relationship, just be calm and assured ... even when you feel like whimpering inside. He'll take your cue and act on it.

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sinkerswim Established Member

sinkerswim

Posted
  • Author
Posted
How do you fall in love with someone you haven't met in person or spent any time together with? I just wonder if part of your ongoing problem is that virtual romance might not be the best foundation for a real relationship. You guys don't seem to be on the same page in many major areas as your post regarding his dissatisfaction with your part-time work status would indicate.

 

You seems focused on feelings and he seems more oriented to the realities of everyday life. That might be a tough mix going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

WE DID meet in person MANY times...Have you read my post?

Im not trying to be mean to you..but sheesh.

..Him and I spent about a week or 2 together every 2 months or so until I moved out here last October!!! We spent many times together.

He went on vacation with me every year, went to my brothers wedding, I spent 2 Thanksgivings with him, He spent Christmas with me...and many more things we did together BEFORE we moved in together.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted

Exactly a year later I met a wonderful guy... who was one of my friends on the internet for a couple years first.

It was long distance, but he fell in love with me right away. I will never forget the first time he told me he loved me..wanted to have my children, marry me..etc.

He flew in to see me and we continued to see each other every 2 months.

Sorry, I guess I took your post literally. You said "he fell in love with me right away" and then "he flew in to see me". Regardless, I still think a relationship needs extended quality time together before the partners commit to it fully. There is an awful lot you need to know and understand about the other person just to ensure that you either agree about the important things or can work through the differences. Your situation seems like a case in point. I hope it works out for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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sinkerswim Established Member

sinkerswim

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Sorry, I guess I took your post literally. You said "he fell in love with me right away" and then "he flew in to see me". Regardless, I still think a relationship needs extended quality time together before the partners commit to it fully. There is an awful lot you need to know and understand about the other person just to ensure that you either agree about the important things or can work through the differences. Your situation seems like a case in point. I hope it works out for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

LOL well, yeah he did tell me he loved me BEFORE he flew in to see me..but he flew here quickly thereafter! When I got him from the airport that day, we just clicked right away...no awkwardness, just lots of feelings of love and smiles and good talk.

I know we were both nervous...but it just clicked in that instant.

 

So anyway, the past couple of days Ive been working hard not to pester him with questions...Ive been happy around him and feeling good.

Of course I am having my moments of depression..but I cant let him see that.

Ive been going for hour long walks if I need to clear my head and come back feeling great.

I think he is noticing! :)

We bickered a little last night..but it was resolved right away.

I pray so hard this works...I love him with all my heart and soul.

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