My BF is taking some serious babysteps..considering cheating

[Shygirl15]

So you went ahead and cheated anyway?

You might as well break up with him now, you've just killed your relationship for a selfish desire.

 

I agree, it was the selfish with to do, however I doubt is it was really 'cheating'. We are close to each other however we are not officially exclusive.

 

This guy your dating clearly has old values and likes to take things slow, he's been brought up that way or chooses to be this way maybe he has a deformed penis or some weird scar and is afraid you'll reject him unless he thinks you're completely into him.

 

I thought of this too, or maybe he's recovering from an STD??

 

[quote=theobserver;1747262

Fact is you have your own ways too. You could of easily solved this problem by just freaking asking him if you could have sex . There are many ways you could of done this to make it clear. He does seem the type of person that just needs to be told these days most people are expecting sex within the first 2 weeks or it's not on. Others however aren't looking for the casual I don't think he is either and is waiting for the right moment and wants to build a connection not on sex.

 

He just doesn't seem to get it, or maybe he wants me to say it loud and clear. Or like you say, he's waiting for the right moment. My gut tells me he's waiting for me to announce I'm ready. I will be turned off completely the day I'm forced to do that.

 

[quote=theobserver;1747262

End of the day though you have slept with your ex merely to get your kicks, not only does your ex now know your an easy lay whenever your horny and believe me he'll come back for more and you'll give it but if things did work out with the current guy one day you'll let slip what you did or he'll find and he might not exactly be pleased.

 

The ex has been trying to get back with me for the past 3 months. How is that an easy lay? And he also wanted to get together again this last weekend, to which I declined. So it may not be an easy lay afterall.

 

[quote=theobserver;1747262

This is now not about getting him to screw you, but telling him what you've done so he can decide if your'e worth it. Personally at the moment it just seems you're using this guy you've already betrayed him once what else are you going to do?

 

I really do not want to hurt his feelings. If I confess, he's likely to forgive and forget, so why hurt his feelings by confessing if he'll stay with me anyway.

 

So, why did your feelings change? Because I really don't buy the "I love him" when you go meet your ex to have sex in a hotel.

 

My feelings never changed and I still love him. I genuinely do. The thing with my ex was pure physical.

 

 

I assume you don't plan on telling him?

 

To be honest, no. It's an incident that will never be repeated and I do not want to hurt his feelings.

 

He could be seeing other people or he could be sincere about all this.

 

The thing is, why wait so long to become intimate with you if he is a player? It's not like you are the one that makes him wait. What does your gut feeling tell you? Is he sincere or is he hiding things? You were uneasy about him going MIA on the weekends. Do you believe him now or do you still have doubts?

 

He seems very traditional, maybe also shy and the "faith" might not be an act. This guy is taking his time and doesn't want to be, or can't be agressive.

 

I had doubts about him in the past, however recently I have come to better understand him and his way of thinking. He's clearly not a player type at all, he's a bit of a nerd, with less than average looks. I was attracted to his brilliant mind and conversation mostly. He must have encountered some rejections in the past, which could explain why he's very careful with me. He simply cannot be aggressive.

 

Maybe he is somewhat of a doormat. There are guys that are afraid of doing something inappropriate and thus rather not do anything if they aren't sure you want them to. If a passive guy isn't for you, then cut him loose or try to get him to understand that it is all right to be more agressive.

 

I have been trying so hard to get him out of his passive state, because I really do not want to end up with a doormat type. I can't be running the relationship, it just doesn't feel right. He has dated some ghetto gals in the past, who screwed up his life according to him. He once told me one day he was forced to go out at 11pm just to get his GF an ice cream! He's clearly a doormat, but I really like him and absolutely don't want to cut him loose. I want him to understand that it's okay to express opinions sometimes. I always ask him what food he likes to eat, when we go out, he always says I eat everything. I had to press him for 15 minutes straight, for him to finally confess that he infact likes Italian, and the food at restaurant that I always take him to, makes him sick afterwards.

 

.

 

I guess I don't understand why you can't tell Mr. Slow that you want sex but have no problem with a Marriot session with your ex

 

I'm worried that if I start asking for it, I will always be the one asking for it forever.

 

I know he really likes me, and is attracted to me. However he has never uttered any romantic word, or acknowledge that I look beautiful when we go out, nothing. He just gives me these blank stares and it really annoys me. The only thing he says, when I asked what he found interesting in my online profile, he said I looked like a genuine and very sweet person. I mean, you can say that to anyone, right? Not specifically to the girl you're going out with.

 

Is it really possible to transform doomats into aggressive type, esecially if they've lived all their lives being passive?

[Shygirl15]

How passive are we talking about? Does he offer you a choice, like pick one of those restaurants or does he expect you to tell him where to go and when?

 

He could have been afraid that you don't like what he chooses and that's why he let's you lead.

 

If you want him to take the lead from time to time, tell him that you would love to be surprised. Now that weekends are on the table, tell him you would love to spend a whole day where you don't know what you are going to do or where you are going.

 

And that he is only allowed to tell you what you should be wearing (as in casual, elegant, etc.) and when he will pick you up. Obviously, you should pick a day where you can get a baby sitter, so he can't simply show up one day and "steal" you away for that day.

 

You have dated long enough for him to know what you like, so he should be able to come up with something.

 

Thanks a lot. This trick might work. Sometimes he very stubbornly refuses to suggest anything, saying that he doesn't want to dissapoint me. But he knows me very well by now, that I'm just so simple and enjoy basically anything. I'm not the criticizing type at all. He wants me to organize everything, when, what time, where etc etc. I don't mind sometimes, but just wish he would take the lead other times. Did I mention I was the one who kissed him first???

 

However, he's not so passive in other areas. When we discuss issues, politics, health, movies, I mean any type of discussion, he lovees to object everything I say.

[carhill]

However, he's not so passive in other areas. When we discuss issues, politics, health, movies, I mean any type of discussion, he lovees to object everything I say.

Those are subjects where facts can be regurgitated and opinions and POV's can be presented about subjects which are not personal. He's likely very intelligent about such things. Another person's psyche is a great unknown which will always be an unquantifiable conundrum and, for some (I had this issue for many years), fear of such unknowns can be paralyzing. That's what I'm hearing.

[Stockalone]

He just doesn't seem to get it, or maybe he wants me to say it loud and clear. Or like you say, he's waiting for the right moment. My gut tells me he's waiting for me to announce I'm ready. I will be turned off completely the day I'm forced to do that.

 

That is why I said you should think about if he can meet your needs.

 

 

I really do not want to hurt his feelings. If I confess, he's likely to forgive and forget, so why hurt his feelings by confessing if he'll stay with me anyway.

 

Are you sure he would take it, just like that?

 

 

 

My feelings never changed and I still love him. I genuinely do. The thing with my ex was pure physical.

 

I don't believe that someone can love another person and have sex with someone else. But I am a romantic who can't separate love and sex.

 

If the guy is anything like me in that regard, your last sentence will break his heart.

 

 

 

To be honest, no. It's an incident that will never be repeated and I do not want to hurt his feelings.

 

 

I would argue that you already changed the dynamic in your relationship or whatever it is and that you already hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet. Do you respect him?

 

Doormats run the risk of "inviting" people to walk all over them and use them for what they are worth. Maybe I am too harsh, but hooking up with your ex seems to be such a thing. But I admit that I am biased about that.

 

 

 

I had doubts about him in the past, however recently I have come to better understand him and his way of thinking. He's clearly not a player type at all, he's a bit of a nerd, with less than average looks. I was attracted to his brilliant mind and conversation mostly. He must have encountered some rejections in the past, which could explain why he's very careful with me. He simply cannot be aggressive.

 

 

But you want him to be aggressive and that is already causing problems.

 

 

 

I have been trying so hard to get him out of his passive state, because I really do not want to end up with a doormat type. I can't be running the relationship, it just doesn't feel right. He has dated some ghetto gals in the past, who screwed up his life according to him. He once told me one day he was forced to go out at 11pm just to get his GF an ice cream! He's clearly a doormat, but I really like him and absolutely don't want to cut him loose. I want him to understand that it's okay to express opinions sometimes. I always ask him what food he likes to eat, when we go out, he always says I eat everything. I had to press him for 15 minutes straight, for him to finally confess that he infact likes Italian, and the food at restaurant that I always take him to, makes him sick afterwards.

 

 

If he really is such a doormat, then both of you are in trouble. Maybe he just isn't used to any other treatment and his self-esteem is as low as it gets.

 

Or it could be that he has insecurities about his body. Maybe he thinks there is something wrong with him, theobserver already mentioned some things that could be wrong.

 

Either way, it might not be easy to overcome such problems.

 

About him not making any decisions. You can try and turn the tables, but start slowly. Instead of asking him what he wants to eat, offer him a choice.

 

Name three restaurants/activities you like and let him decide where you guys go. That way he will make "decisions" but can be confident to pick a place he likes, with the knowledge that you will like the place and won't be disappointed. It might make it easier for him to decide and if you are lucky, he will become more confident and eventually come up with plans of his own.

 

 

I'm worried that if I start asking for it, I will always be the one asking for it forever.

 

I know he really likes me, and is attracted to me. However he has never uttered any romantic word, or acknowledge that I look beautiful when we go out, nothing. He just gives me these blank stares and it really annoys me. The only thing he says, when I asked what he found interesting in my online profile, he said I looked like a genuine and very sweet person. I mean, you can say that to anyone, right? Not specifically to the girl you're going out with.

 

Is it really possible to transform doomats into aggressive type, esecially if they've lived all their lives being passive?

 

You can't turn a doormat into a cocky leader. A doormat can become a jerk, but not the kind some women like.

 

At best, you can help a doormat to become a man who will stand up for himself if need be. But he will never aspire to be an alpha male that tells you to follow his lead.

 

You are already irritated and soon you will be getting bored and that is not a good sign. Maybe he can get you excited again if he turns out to be agressive once he decides to make a move (and makes that move soon) and wants sex, but I doubt that he will be more aggressive.

 

I am not telling you that this relationship won't work, but can you really see a future if he doesn't change. Even if you have sex that satisfies you, would you be o.k. with him being as passive as he is now?

 

I still say give it a try and maybe you can guide him in the right direction. Maybe he will become more confident and get his self-esteem up.

 

 

Thanks a lot. This trick might work. Sometimes he very stubbornly refuses to suggest anything, saying that he doesn't want to dissapoint me. But he knows me very well by now, that I'm just so simple and enjoy basically anything. I'm not the criticizing type at all. He wants me to organize everything, when, what time, where etc etc. I don't mind sometimes, but just wish he would take the lead other times. Did I mention I was the one who kissed him first???

 

However, he's not so passive in other areas. When we discuss issues, politics, health, movies, I mean any type of discussion, he lovees to object everything I say.

 

About the "surprise" day. If he is a smart nerd, he might just plan to do things again that you have already done in the past. Depending on how much pressure you want to put on him, you might want to tell him that he also has to take you to places and plan activities you haven't been to or done before.

 

Sex is unlike other activities of his life. You can have as much confidence in your abilities in other areas as you want, but there is no guarantee that this confidence will also be present in regards to sex.

 

To use an example from my own life. I had confidence in my ability to shoot free throws or make a three pointer if the game was on the line. And I am also confident in my ability to do my job and handle all the problems that are work-related.

 

Does this give me the confidence to approach women with ease. Absolutely not. And the same might be true for your guy. He can be highly intelligent and even be a genious at his job, but this doesn't always translate to confidence in other areas, especially relationships. How can you be condifent in things were you weren't always successful?

[Shygirl15]

Are you sure he would take it, just like that?

 

Likely, since we have established that he's a doormat.

 

I don't believe that someone can love another person and have sex with someone else. But I am a romantic who can't separate love and sex.

 

I am of the same opinion, however I was in a totally different situation tis time. If I cheated on a guy who was involved with me 'in every way', perhaps it wouldn't have happened.

 

I would argue that you already changed the dynamic in your relationship or whatever it is and that you already hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet. Do you respect him?

 

SA, what he doesn't know can never hurt him, and I intend to keep it that way. I do respect him a lot, enough to keep this silly Marriot thing from him, and behind me.

 

Doormats run the risk of "inviting" people to walk all over them and use them for what they are worth. Maybe I am too harsh, but hooking up with your ex seems to be such a thing. But I admit that I am biased about that.

 

I honestly don't want to use him in anyway, what for? I genuinely like him. My ex is a really good looking man, with perhaps a better financial status, perfect gentleman, opens doors etc, kind of things Mr. Slow has no idea exist. However there's more to life good looks, money and opening doors for the ladies. As slow as he is, he's emotionally available to me at all times, great personality, kind, good conversationalist and he's just very brilliant. I value these qualities more than the other.

 

 

But you want him to be aggressive and that is already causing problems.

 

If he really is such a doormat, then both of you are in trouble. Maybe he just isn't used to any other treatment and his self-esteem is as low as it gets.

 

I really do not want him to be that aggressive, just want him to feel free expressing personal views, his likes and dislikes, even if they're different from mine. That he doesn't have to put up with whatever I say or want to do. I do not like an overly aggressive guy, just a need him to take lead sometimes.

 

You are already irritated and soon you will be getting bored and that is not a good sign. Maybe he can get you excited again if he turns out to be agressive once he decides to make a move (and makes that move soon) and wants sex, but I doubt that he will be more aggressive.

 

I am not telling you that this relationship won't work, but can you really see a future if he doesn't change. Even if you have sex that satisfies you, would you be o.k. with him being as passive as he is now?

 

I still say give it a try and maybe you can guide him in the right direction. Maybe he will become more confident and get his self-esteem up.

 

I will. As much as I'm irritated by his doormatness, I would rather stick around and help him to get his self-esteem up, than risk and end up with the type we read about on LS boards everyday. The other side of this, is that l'm worried because I'm really not the type he's used to date, he may loose excitement with me too. So I might try and change my ways a bit and occasionally order him around, just the way he likes it.

 

About the "surprise" day. If he is a smart nerd, he might just plan to do things again that you have already done in the past. Depending on how much pressure you want to put on him, you might want to tell him that he also has to take you to places and plan activities you haven't been to or done before.

 

He's too afraid to come up with anything creative, so it's likely that he will repeat the same routine, which to me, is even more annoying. Not sure how you can call that 'smart'.